the ball is in his court??

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by Copabanana, Sep 25, 2017.

  1. so ready to live

    so ready to live Active Member

    Oh Copa. When I read the first half of your post I was preparing for the worst-That's me preparing for worst with even YOUR son :frown:....and then good things. You stayed calm and held your ground. He's out of your space, vision and as usual your control. Win-win. Hold tight, enjoy this moment's peace, big deep breaths. You can do this, we can do this. Prayers.
    • Friendly Friendly x 2
    • Like Like x 1
    • List
  2. Albatross

    Albatross Well-Known Member

    Well done, Copa! Regardless of what your son does with this new arrangement, you are such a champion of calmly holding your ground, separating yourself from him, and expressing hope. I too hope son is ready to make some changes, but mostly I am so happy and inspired by you, that you were able to tap into that in such a trying situation!
    • Agree Agree x 2
    • Like Like x 1
    • Winner Winner x 1
    • List
  3. Copabanana

    Copabanana Well-Known Member

    thank you all. i have not heard from him since his text that he was going to the sober living home. m was working at the other house (where he had relented to let j enter to shower.) i held my tongue and let the two of them work out what would happen last night as far as j sleeping inside for the night.

    apparently j stayed inside as i got no more frantic phone calls.

    there is something bad i did in the christmas debacle that i have not confessed to anybody. i am still not up to confessing here on the internet. but i will a bit later because i think i have still to work it out, what was bothering me.

    thank you.
    Last edited: Dec 28, 2017
  4. New Leaf

    New Leaf Well-Known Member

    I am glad Copa that J decided to go to a sober living home. Prayers that he is successful on his journey. I hope that you are not too troubled into the New Year. We are only human, and existing in the most intense situations with our beloveds. Be kind to yourself.
    (((Big hugs)))
    • Like Like x 1
    • Agree Agree x 1
    • Winner Winner x 1
    • List
  5. Copabanana

    Copabanana Well-Known Member

    thank you new leaf for your compassion. how are you?
  6. New Leaf

    New Leaf Well-Known Member

    Hi Copa, I am doing alright. My house reflects the chaos inside of me and I am trying to straighten up one little thing at a time. Inside and out.
    News of Mom coughing and weak is concerning, her lung cancer is quiet for the moment, but she has a super infection called MAC that would take prolonged antibiotic therapy to abate, which would have some unpleasant side effects. She was diagnosed two years ago, and it is beginning to test her strength and energy.
    She is debating what to do.
    At 84, the thought of intense therapy is weighed against an inevitable outcome.
    Prayers going up that she won’t suffer, whatever her decision.
    Thankfully, my sister lives with her, so she is not alone.
    I feel like I am overloading God with my troubles!

    I have my three grands over for winter break and they are anxious to get to the beach. So, I will focus on them, they are motivated to clean up and get going.
    When I picked them up, their Poppa came out to talk, they want to adopt my grands. Both parents are MIA, there are reports of them here and there, drugging as usual. Sigh. He asked me what I would do, as my daughter has the ebt card and doesn’t help at all with expenses. They are afraid to involve CPS or welfare, as they are notorious here for bad decisions, terrible foster care and ripping families apart.
    That’s a tough question.
    My grands seem more stable and better adjusted. But, I know there is much going on inside of them.
    Rain came by with new boyfriend to do laundry. (Haven’t seen her for a month or more) By her small talk, I can see her thinking is still all over the place and she is accepting living as she does. She is 38.
    Didn’t talk much with new boyfriend.
    I had a kind of weird out of body floaty feeling when they left.
    It is a shame and waste of potential but what can I do about it?
    I just tell her I love her and try to use “the force” to beam good thoughts to her. (We saw Star Wars yesterday, can you tell?)
    Of course, Christmas cane and went without a word from both of them. That is typical, and sad to say, I am accustomed to it.
    Whew, man I just unloaded on you Copa!
    Otherwise, I am thankful for my health, son is doing well and so are my Blossom and Hoku with their babies who have reached the year mark.
    My goal for the New Year, is to strive for peace and joy, no matter what is going on with my two. It has been a long hard road.
    I look to my grands, who are trying the best they can, doing well in school and learning to get along with one another. They have so much to lament over, with two addicted parents.
    Instead, they are courageously stepping forward.

    So, off to the beach we go, to bask in the sun and sea, and forget about our challenges for a bit.

    Much love and hugs to you Copa, you are going to be alright (as Kalahou would write)
    • Winner Winner x 2
    • Friendly Friendly x 1
    • List
  7. Copabanana

    Copabanana Well-Known Member

    new leaf. i am sorry for this turn in your mom's health. she has like you endured so much with grace and strength.
    • Agree Agree x 1
    • Friendly Friendly x 1
    • List
  8. Littleboylost

    Littleboylost On the road unwanted to travel

    Hi Copa

    I hope you do not wrestle too much with yourself. No need to confess anything to anyone. We are re all human and we do what we do. You are a caring and loving parent of an adult son.

    I often find myself in the Eqgt did I do to my poor son to make him this way mode.... and then I stop and think of all the terrible things he has done to us!! It is what it is my friend. It is what it is.

    Big hugs and positive thoughts.
  9. Littleboylost

    Littleboylost On the road unwanted to travel

    I am so sorry to hear of your mother’s illness and battle with cancer. I am a survivor of 15 years (uterine cancer). Cancer is a nasty insult at any age. My GM suffered with leukaemia in her 90s. She became very fatigued with the treatment process and blood transfusions. So at 96 she made a decisions to stop therapy and make herself palliative.
    Age and illness are a poor reward for a life well lived.

    I will say my prayers that she is comfortable and gets over the nasty infection.

    This year is your year to focus on you. What a wonderful kindness to allow your Rain to visit and wash her clothes. Ah yes if we could shine in them in their very minds and hearts with the hopes and dreams we have for them....wouldn’t it be wonderful.

    They will do what they will do. It is what it is.

    Enjoy the Grans and the beach.
  10. New Leaf

    New Leaf Well-Known Member

    Thank you Copa and LBL. The infection Mom has is very difficult to cure. She has lived with it for awhile now. We are blessed that she has the time she does, and will have to see what the future holds.
    As we have all written, there are no guarantees in this world.
    Cancer is a nasty thing. I’m sorry LBL, for your own bout with it and your grandmother. 90 with leukemia is quite a blow. Dad lived with a rare cancer years beyond what docs expected, passed on and then three months later Mom was diagnosed. It has been this continuing series of unfortunate events. but..........
    even with it all, we have lived a wonderful life. That is what I am focusing on, the blessings, if I looked at only the challenges I would not survive.
    I am thinking lately that my experiences with my children when they were young were so special. There are many people who have children with health issues and struggles from birth on.
    I think that’s what makes this hard, aside from our loving our d cs, and wishing the best for them, it is such a waste of life to just concentrate on “chasing the dragon.”
    I was watching “Chopped” the other nite and one of the contestants was an addict. He spoke of wasted years drugging, he has turned it around to running a soup kitchen to feed the homeless, said he wanted to give back to what he took for so many years. Would he be there without his journey? Is there something good to come of all of this?
    One can hope.
    The beach was beautiful, sunny and cool at the same time. There is a tide pool I go to, a walk about on craggy black lava rocks close to the pounding surf. A deep hole formed within the lava shelf, close to the edge of constant rolling waves that crash into rushing white froth, filling the hole with fresh cool seawater. Granddaughter and I hiked to the spot and carefully waded in. The water was chilled enough to catch our breath and calm the suns heat off of our bodies. The tide was rising so each wave that crashed swirled evermore, overflowing the pool. We had to hang on a bit from getting knocked about. Then the sea would calm and the pool would become serene and clear.
    I thought as we walked back, that life is like that pool. We try to find peace and refreshing waters amidst the constant pounding waves and burning sun of happenstance.
    Sometimes life is hard, others not.
    Everyone is challenged by battles we are unaware of.
    At one time or another, we are all tested.
    Just a month ago, Mom resent a note Daddy wrote about his last wishes. It was brief and to the point. He didn’t want a service, nor any of us to grieve, that he felt death was not an ending, just another chapter.

    I suppose that is a way to look at what goes on around us, the years we live are just that, chapters. Things that were so earth shattering when we were younger are but a distant memory that wakes every so often to reteach us what we needed to learn.
    I wish for all of our d cs to awaken to their potential, but alas, they will do it in their own way.
    Copa, your son is at least grasping at change and I hope it is that he has matured enough to want better for himself.
    LBL, hang in there dear sister. It is a rough road, but you have proven yourself to be one tough lady. Stand strong and focus on you. I think our kids stand to benefit from our strengthening ourselves.
    That’s it, shifting focus from trying to fix what’s beyond our control, to creating goals for our own future.
    Love and hugs!
    • Winner Winner x 2
    • Friendly Friendly x 2
    • List
  11. Jabberwockey

    Jabberwockey Well-Known Member

    Remember this reminder that while doctors are highly educated and generally good at what they do, they are only human and DO make mistakes. My mothers father contracted emphysema from smoking long before I was born and the doctors kept telling him he had only 3 to 6 months to live. I swear, he died of old age JUST to spite those doctors!

    I love this! I've always said that I don't want a traditional funeral service. The viewing and the service tend to be emotionally brutalizing and cruel to the family. I've told Lil many times that I'd rather have an Irish Wake type service. Have a quick graveside service then everybody gather up somewhere and have a several hour potluck and talk about the stupid crap I've done throughout my life. And the viewing?!?! What purpose does it serve??? Making family members stand for HOURS next to a slab of meat that is no longer their loved one just so family members that haven't seen them OR the loved one for years just so those people get a chance for closure?!?!?! Sorry, starting to get worked up about this. Point is that a memorial service should be a celebration of the persons life, not a morbid and depressing reminder of their death.
    • Friendly Friendly x 2
    • Winner Winner x 1
    • List
  12. Lil

    Lil Well-Known Member

    Jabber and I both feel rather strongly about funerals and visitations - I lost both of my parents very young - I was 23 and 25. When my father passed, there was no visitation. My brother and I were rather chastised by family over it - but we'd just been through it with our mother two years before and we simply refused to put ourselves through it again. Thankfully, Jabber and I agree on these things. We really need to make a will and put these things down on paper.

    Now - no more hijack. :)

    New Leaf, you do seem overloaded with all that on your plate. Keep yourself sane...sit on the beach in that beautiful place you get to call home and breathe in the calmness and peace. You know we all send you prayers and good vibrations. :starplucker:

    Copa - I applaud your strength you showed in this matter. I hope the sober living home turns out to be what he needs! I don't know what you did - but don't beat yourself up too much. You are far too kind a person to have done anything so terrible that you need to suffer so. :hugs:
    • Like Like x 2
    • Agree Agree x 1
    • Friendly Friendly x 1
    • List
  13. Copabanana

    Copabanana Well-Known Member

    thank you all.

    he spent his first night at the sober living. he said there are 7 other men and he is by far the youngest. no one else is under 40. he says some of the guys seem quite impaired/medicated. the sle is operated i think by the rescue mission.

    this is sobering to me.

    i do not know what i was expecting. a fraternity? this is a bit more skid row than i wanted to face. but really? is this not the reality he has been living? painfully....

    i think he is feeling some of the same thing. or at least i hope so. a reality check.

    i am wondering how you rn dealt with this reconciling of son's reality when he entered the new place? there is really no place to hide.
  14. Sam3

    Sam3 Active Member

    I am following along too, Copa.

    Detached observation seems like the right place to be.

    After all, being with 40 yr olds in sober living can’t be any more “street” than living on the street
  15. Copabanana

    Copabanana Well-Known Member

    he says the only requirement is that he well be sober.

    some of the other guys (most?) are indigent, without means. they have more requirements. he is not required to leave during day or work.

    he says its comfortable. he spent his first day watching movies on their big screen tv. he is a movie buff.

    this takes away a big amount of our conflict (and my illusory power) consistent with what the drug counselor was arguing. she aserted that it was his decision what if anything to do with his time.

    that she did not doubt he could be productive and successful it would be on his timetable and terms not mine.

    he always won the battles.

    so all of a sudden it is feeling like watching plants grow. there's nothing to do. in his court. just my own.
  16. Littleboylost

    Littleboylost On the road unwanted to travel

    They can not possibly be allowing him to stay and do nothing for an indefinite period of time surly!!

    If that’s the case what a cushy rehab.

    I feel your pain regarding hacing no influence or input. The youth worker once told be my son has rights and that included the right to kill hinlself with drugs.
  17. Copabanana

    Copabanana Well-Known Member

    you see, lbl, the rationale is he's on ssi. with "certified" disability. that's the drug counselor's point of view.

    i texted her on christmas no less that i felt that not encouraging his productivity was enabling.

    my son had lied that he'd put me on speaker phone (i was unaware, clearly) and she had commented that my expectations of him were unfair.

    i texted to her that i felt listening to a conversation that was intended as private, without consent was a betrayal of my son by appearing to give consent to a wrongdoing. which devolved into my accusing my son as the betrayer. all in text. agony.

    ultimately i apologized as i well should have.

    my son lied as a means of escaping my pressure.he set her up. i fell into it.

    as embarrased as i am, at least she knows my point of view.

    the clearcut reality is that i need to get a life.
  18. Copabanana

    Copabanana Well-Known Member

    i have struggled with this rights thing for years as my son had d/c ed his medication. for a chronic mortal illness.

    oh. what. we. go. through.
  19. Copabanana

    Copabanana Well-Known Member

    lbl. m says i should not worry. he's right. he says nobody gets to dictate terms for us.

    that it's all too easy for well meaning bystanders to opine and try to do it better. that eventually my son reveals himself. which is pretty much as king for a day. a big shot with money in his pocket. until its gone.

    this will get quick fast.

    for now it's not our problem.

    we have accomplished something: j, m, me and the drug counselor. for one reason or another j has bought into sobriety as a means to an end.

    there must be some rules there. house rules. pitching in.
  20. Littleboylost

    Littleboylost On the road unwanted to travel

    Yes Copa you and I both need to turn our focus and productivity to ourselves more this year being the start of all of that for us.

    I had a cousellor inform me that my son had the right to use drugs even illegal drugs and to face his consequences of that use even if it meant milking himself. I still feel that this is wrong as I see drug is as people being a harm to themselves. I believe their should be at least one mandated 90 day in patient rehab enforced on any drug user. I’d rhey with a sober and clean head say they feel they would prefer drugs over non drugging then that is a clear minded decision. For underage youth with delceopng brains I think it should be 6 months. But we all k ow in reality that that would be way too costly to support especially for socialized health care like we have here in Canada.

    We need to stop putting more effort into fixing their lives and how they choose to lives them. It is such a fruuuustraring place to be!!!