Copabanana
Well-Known Member
Hi SG
Everybody has already said the important things and I agree with all of it. I am new at this too.
My only child is 26 and if he would have cooperated with me, I would have done every single thing you did.
Finally, I ended up here on the board, after I enrolled in the same college courses as my son, so that I could keep track of whether or not he was doing his work. I called that support. He did not.
My only defense is that they were online courses.
And if he would have allowed it I would go to medical appointments and arrange psychotherapy, and probably a whole laundry list of other things. But even I hit bottom.
So, It would be very easy for me to look at you and your daughter and say one thing or another. After all, it was me. And I would be lying if I said I have changed. Baby steps, maybe.
I have real concerns about my child: Medical, Psychiatric, etc. And he has been homeless and had a brain injury. So, I can justify or at least forgive my intrusive ways. I was terrified. I was frantic. The word anxious does not come close in my case. Forget my son's psychiatric diagnoses whatever they were. I was driving him nuts.
My Mother never put me first. Never. It was always about her. She, too, loved men and fun. While I wish it was different, I turned out pretty good. In the long run things worked out.
If you look at life straight on, the newspaper, your friends, movies, books, nobody has a set of perfect parents or a perfect life. After all, Father Knows Best gets boring after a while.
Supergranny, I think I know who you are. I think we are alike in some ways. But when are kids grow up, the way we have succeeded all our lives no longer works. New rules apply. Detachment Rules.
And I do not like it. One bit. But I have no choice. I was getting sick. And now that I am changing it is worse.
You are getting a therapist. If you need to divorce from your daughter in the work situation which may be the case, a therapist can help you do so. Or work it through here on the thread, by writing down needs and discomforts in the situation. You will see reflected in what you write what the truth is. It will be right there in front of you. Most of all, forgive yourself, Supergranny.
I am really thinking this would be a mistake. The only way my son will learn I think is to do for himself and to experience consequences himself. And he is doing it, now. If I remove the consequences of this or that, I am taking away his ability to learn. From this way of thinking buying the house is for me, not him.
Over and over again I came to see that I disrespected my son by my constant second guessing and fear. I did not have the right to put that on him. He did not help because he constantly made me responsible. He has the right to live the best life that he can. His life. Not mine.
I am changing and it is hard for both of us. Every time I set a limit, I seem to go to far. I get afraid and feel I have lost him forever. And I fear, he may feel the same. But that's our story. You will have your own.
I am glad you are here. I think you have done the hard part already. You laid it out there. Welcome.
Everybody has already said the important things and I agree with all of it. I am new at this too.
My only child is 26 and if he would have cooperated with me, I would have done every single thing you did.
Finally, I ended up here on the board, after I enrolled in the same college courses as my son, so that I could keep track of whether or not he was doing his work. I called that support. He did not.
My only defense is that they were online courses.
And if he would have allowed it I would go to medical appointments and arrange psychotherapy, and probably a whole laundry list of other things. But even I hit bottom.
So, It would be very easy for me to look at you and your daughter and say one thing or another. After all, it was me. And I would be lying if I said I have changed. Baby steps, maybe.
I have real concerns about my child: Medical, Psychiatric, etc. And he has been homeless and had a brain injury. So, I can justify or at least forgive my intrusive ways. I was terrified. I was frantic. The word anxious does not come close in my case. Forget my son's psychiatric diagnoses whatever they were. I was driving him nuts.
Some of us on the board are looking at our own families, our parents and siblings and the circumstances in which we grew up. We are trying to identify and work through the lasting hurts and how they affect us now, and our relationships with our kids.
My Mother never put me first. Never. It was always about her. She, too, loved men and fun. While I wish it was different, I turned out pretty good. In the long run things worked out.
If you look at life straight on, the newspaper, your friends, movies, books, nobody has a set of perfect parents or a perfect life. After all, Father Knows Best gets boring after a while.
Nowhere. Except taking responsibility. Wanting to do the best thing. Wanting your child and grandchildren to have the best and be the best. High goals. And never giving up.
Supergranny, I think I know who you are. I think we are alike in some ways. But when are kids grow up, the way we have succeeded all our lives no longer works. New rules apply. Detachment Rules.
And I do not like it. One bit. But I have no choice. I was getting sick. And now that I am changing it is worse.
Supergranny, think about joining us on the FOO thread. I cringe at the idea of you thinking you have personality issues. You sound like a delightful person. Just back off. Let her go. Let it be. I know it's hard but what choice do you really have?
You are getting a therapist. If you need to divorce from your daughter in the work situation which may be the case, a therapist can help you do so. Or work it through here on the thread, by writing down needs and discomforts in the situation. You will see reflected in what you write what the truth is. It will be right there in front of you. Most of all, forgive yourself, Supergranny.
I will add my voice here. Her professional reputation is her business and it is not your concern. Let her go. Let her live her life and learn from her mistakes. I apologize, It is so easy to see myself in others.
I had been thinking of buying a home for my son to live in. My SO is Mexican and their custom is to build or buy houses for all of their children, as a rite of passage. He believes we need to be prepared for when he needs our help. And coming back home is not an option. Anymore.
I am really thinking this would be a mistake. The only way my son will learn I think is to do for himself and to experience consequences himself. And he is doing it, now. If I remove the consequences of this or that, I am taking away his ability to learn. From this way of thinking buying the house is for me, not him.
You are not her judge or jury, Supergranny. Just as she is not yours. This assumes a hierarchy of judgment and capacity. And even though you and I may believe we know best, I for one err continually. The two of you are adults, equally.
Over and over again I came to see that I disrespected my son by my constant second guessing and fear. I did not have the right to put that on him. He did not help because he constantly made me responsible. He has the right to live the best life that he can. His life. Not mine.
I am changing and it is hard for both of us. Every time I set a limit, I seem to go to far. I get afraid and feel I have lost him forever. And I fear, he may feel the same. But that's our story. You will have your own.
Was there somebody in your early life, Supergranny, that looking back, behaved in a manner you felt to be indiscriminate or irresponsible, in the way that does your daughter?
I am glad you are here. I think you have done the hard part already. You laid it out there. Welcome.
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What's the FOO thread? I'll gladly join you there!
