Update on my daughter, too

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by Acacia, Jul 28, 2017.

  1. Acacia

    Acacia Active Member

    Reading the posts, my therapy, and 12 step are helping me navigate the difficult work of detaching and keeping my boundaries with my 37 year old borderline daughter. Today is her birthday, but she is not talking to me.
    She has two children, 5 and 6 months and was asked to leave her current living situation that I found for her because of her bad behavior towards my friend. For the first time I told her she could not move back here. I have been enabling her for a dozen years during which time she either is unkind to me or ignores me (when she doesn't need a bailout). Yet my husband and I have still helped her this year with a car and money towards rent.
    She became enraged at me last week when I set a boundary, called me a f'ing c, and told me she would not let me see the grandchildren. I haven't talked to her since. I feel very sad about my grandchildren, but for the first time I am very clear that I am unwilling to have someone in my home who treats me badly, won't look at her own behaviors, and has contact soley to be rescued.
    I feel both sadness and relief. I also feel strong because I had not been able to keep this boundary before. I am still enmeshed because I paid to put her things in storage, and I have given her money, but I know I am taking steps in the right direction to take care of myself. Thanks to all who post their experiences here - they help me stay strong.
     
  2. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Good for you Acacia. You've taken very important steps and yes, it is empowering. And, sad. And it is a relief. It is all true, simultaneously. One step at a time. Good work. You're clearly on the right track.

    Sending you a big hug.
     
  3. Littleboylost

    Littleboylost On the road unwanted to travel

    Step by step it is. It easy to detach. I am just beginning the process in preparation of whatcisnto come. Celebrate your wins and don't be too hard on yourself appreciate the progress.
     
  4. wisernow

    wisernow wisernow

    Good for you. You are reclaiming your life. No one deserves to be treated like that. Detaching is hard and is a step by step process but you are on the right path! Hugs!
     
  5. Dear Acacia, you are to be commended for taking these steps especially with grandchildren involved. Is there anyone in the family who could get custody of them? This way you could enjoy them and let your daughter see the full impact that her actions are producing.

    I do hope and pray, as I do with all of our children, that they see what they have done and are doing and turn their lives around. But, there is that fine line of actual doing it and acting the part out to get what they want from us for the time being.

    Your in my prayers. (((Hugs)))


     
  6. Albatross

    Albatross Well-Known Member

    You are strong! Those are such hard steps to take! I think we feel it in our hearts when we are on the right track. I think there is definitely a grieving process we go through...all part of moving on to a better way of interacting.
     
  7. Littleboylost

    Littleboylost On the road unwanted to travel

    Should have read isn't easy!
     
  8. Littleboylost

    Littleboylost On the road unwanted to travel

    As RN said it is so very difficult to grieve for someone who is not dead but no longer the same.
     
  9. DazedandConfused

    DazedandConfused Active Member

    Good for you, Acacia! Sending you strengthening and positive thoughts.
     
  10. Acacia

    Acacia Active Member

    Thanks for all the support. One of the reasons it has been so hard to do this is because I fear she will lose custody of her children. Her ex's family wants my granddaughter, and they are competent, but they have lied in court to discredit my daughter more than she deserves, so that's hard. Sadly, what I am coming to realize is that my daughter, at least for now, is demonstrating that she isn't capable of providing a a safe, stable home.
     
  11. ForeverSpring

    ForeverSpring Well-Known Member

    It is better for the grands to be in competent hands. The inlaws are probably desperate to save the grands from her. Not saying they should have lied, but your daughter brought all this on herself. Since you can not take the grands, which is certainly understandable, at least the in laws can keep them safe. Your daughter will not. She keeps dragging the kids to live with abusive men and even recently said they would rather be in the street than with you. Really??? What a horrible lie. Can you imagine what kind of life the grands live with her? They are so small. They need protection. Your daughter is old enough to choose a bad life but the kids should not be a part of it if at all avoidable.

    Im sorry this is going this way. Take care of yourself.
     
  12. Acacia

    Acacia Active Member

    Somewhere, you are totally right. My daughter plays the victim very well, but she has a large part in what has happened. I am actually on vacation to get some distance from the drama.
     
  13. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    Congratulations on taking steps to detach! Enjoy your vacation - you deserve it!

    I truly hope your grandkids end up in a better situation where they are stable and are able to be happy. I hope they are able to have a solid relationship with you when they are in this situation. Your daughter has brought the loss of her children on herself, even though that is sad. While the other grandparents should not have lied, they may not know they are lying. They may think they are telling the truth. It is a difficult situation all around, I am very sure. Hopefully the court will focus on what is best for the kids, and being brought into abusive situation after abusive situation just isn't best for any child.

    Taking steps to detach is a very hard thing. It isn't something you can do overnight or in one fell swoop. I love the phrase "Progress, not perfection" and try to remember it when I get discouraged about not getting something done the way I want. You have made a great deal of progress, and should feel a huge sense of accomplishment.

    (((((hugs))))) I do hope you can make peace with the other grandparents and build a relationship with the children if they get custody.
     
  14. Littleboylost

    Littleboylost On the road unwanted to travel

    Indeed progress not perfection.
     
  15. Kcj

    Kcj New Member

    Hi All,
    I am new to this forum and I see the last posts seem to have been in 2017. I am wondering how others are holding up 2 years later. I believe my 31 year old daughter is an undiagnosed borderline. The descriptions fit her like a glove. She lives with me along with my 8 year old grandson. He is very smart, sweet and in the gifted program at school. My daughter has been verbally, emotionally, and physically abusive to me and I have unfortunately been an enabler. This is mostly because I have been too embarrassed to tell anyone and just let it continue. I have Rheumatoid Arthritis at 59 and had to give up teaching. I am now on disability because I am exhausted after 3 hours of any effort and in frequent pain. My pain management has prescribed me a small amount of painkillers each month for bad flares. My daughter takes them every time no matter where I hide them. I have finally told my therapist and family about the things she's done and now she is on the warpath. She says she will move away with my grandson, change her number and not tell me where she lives. My daughter has seldom been able to maintain a job or for that matter, relationship with friends or boyfriend. I am terrified she will be homeless. Also, if I'm not the target of her rage, will it be my grandson? Will he be safe and what will happen to all his potential if he's constantly in an unstable environment? I too, have sacrificed great amounts of money and my life savings to her needs. Now I must find some kind of work that will help me survive. I live in fear of the present and future. Can anyone give me words of hope?
     
  16. ksm

    ksm Well-Known Member

    I'm so sorry for what you are going thru. Have you ever called the police when she has stolen your medications or was physically violent? How does she treat her son?

    Does she get funds for her child, and if so, does she use it on the child?

    I am glad you have a therapist and family to discuss this with.

    Ksm

    O's, in the future, you should start your own post instead of adding to an old one... You might get more responses..,
     
  17. AppleCori

    AppleCori Well-Known Member

    Hi kcj,

    There are posts on this forum most every day. You have posted on an old thread, however. Hopefully, the moderators will move this so that it stands alone.

    You should call the police if you feel threatened or if your daughter steals your medications. It might be a blessing in disguise to have the authorities looking into her situation. They can protect your grandson if needed.

    Stay with us and post. I will check back later, but I have to go right now. I am concerned about the potential for abuse in your situation, so let us know that you are ok.

    Apple
     
  18. DoneDad

    DoneDad Active Member

    What ksm and Applecori said. If she’s violent or steals, call the police. It will establish a paper trail if you try to get guardianship of your grandson. Also, start documenting in a spiral notebook what is going on, if she is neglectful or abusive toward your grandson. If she does get money or food stamps for him, document what she does with it.

    You have to work toward getting her out of your home. Somebody who steals your pain medication is not somebody you can live with. I know the grandson makes everything complicated and confusing because you want what’s best for him, and she uses that to manipulate you and get you to to put up with her abuse.

    With your health issues, would you want to be the grandson’s primary caregiver? What about the father, is he in the picture?

    At this point in your life, you need to be focused on you. Don’t put up with any abuse. Don’t waste any of your resources on your daughter. With your health issues, living with this kind of stress can’t be good just from a medical standpoint.
     
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  19. RN0441

    RN0441 100% better than I was but not at 100% yet

    Welcome

    It sounds like your daughter is an addict. Obviously anyone that would steal their mother's pain killers knowing mom needs them has a problem with addiction.

    Does your daughter work?

    I agree that she needs to be out and I also think you should report her to the police. It may sound harsh to hear this but she is doing something illegal. Do you have a spouse or any support?
     
  20. CSH

    CSH New Member

    I do not have too many words of wisdom as I am very new here myself. Just to reach out and say I am so sorry you are going through this. I know how hard it is and must be for you to fear for your grandson and what she might do if she has him alone without you there. The children always suffer in these situations. I know that when my grandson was with his parents it was a constant worry and heartache. I am sending hugs and positive thoughts your way. I will tell you that my posting here has been invaluable to me and I hope it will be the same for you. Just to know you are not alone is everything.