update

tryingtobestrong

Active Member
So he made it 10 days sober and relapsed. Is living alone 1700 miles away. Asked to come home and we told him that was fine but he needed to get help by going to counseling, he was not allowed to drive our cars and was not allowed to have girls over in his room...
He refused.
So we got a call just now. He was ugly. Said he had so much resentment towards us due to everything. Is coming home to stay with an ex girlfriend who has a house and new boyfriend....
He refuses to get help. Said he went 6 times and it doesn't work.
Wants to kill himself. Needs to stay with her for awhile and get himself together again.
I am speechless.
She lives about 1 hour from us. This life is hell. Wonder how long he will last there.
 

Copabanana

Well-Known Member
Hello Trying

Does this mean that he is quitting/leaving his job or is he able to work from home?

Trying. I suggest that you read over your old threads, and try to put as your goal that you are the center of your life, the person who can change, the person who deserves to and can heal.

As long as you focus upon your son, his poor choices, his poor behavior, what he says and does, this purgatory will continue for you. You are not helping him by your single-minded focus on him and your sense of dependency on him, what he says and what he does or does not do. You are choosing over and over again to empower his self-destructive and abusive choices, his addiction, his self-destructive choices. While he is the primary victim, you are too, with your husband and daughter.

As long as you choose to focus upon him, as if he is a villain who is terrorizing you, over whom you are powerless, this reality will continue to define and to control your life. You are choosing this. Most of the rest of us here did the same, until we stopped. There is another way.
 

Albatross

Well-Known Member
Trying, I see myself in your posts, so maybe that’s why I find myself getting so strident in my response.

Many of us have been where you are now, beating our heads against the wall in hopes of shaking loose an answer.

You keep asking yourself the same questions, but you only listen for one answer: Son. Son. Son.

“What is my son doing?” “What is my son feeling?” “What might happen with my son‘s security deposit?” “What will happen with my son’s ex-girlfriend’s boyfriend?”

On and on it goes...with your son showing no inclination to change...and honestly he has no reason to see why it’s even necessary.

And your resentment of your son for the toll he takes continues to build...but you continue to let him take it!

Golly...aren’t you tired of it, Trying?

How do YOU feel? What do YOU think? And try not to answer with how it relates to your son. Maybe you can try putting more focus on other aspects of your life.

Your son is a grown man, with the ability to solve his own problems. It is OK to tell him you don’t want to hear it. Blocking his unreasonable behavior doesn’t make you a bad mom.

Letting Life be his teacher doesn’t make you a bad mom either. It is OK to let him find out why his plan was not such a great idea...and to lose security deposits and jobs and friendships and the other things people need to lose so they learn.
 

tryingtobestrong

Active Member
He can work from home since this pandemic. That is part of his problem too. The isolation in his studio apartment, not having friends, no girlfriend due to the drinking...
I posted on another site and I was told that it is no wonder he resents us because we had rules and how would I feel if someone tried to rule my life....Well, I don't want him in my home. I don't want a replay of when he was here 5 years ago. He drank all the time, destroyed his room, destroyed his cars- luckily no one was hurt.
You asked how I feel... I am exhausted. I am tired of this life. I don't know how to move on without feeling like a horrible mom. I honestly feel if he passed away it would be a relief. This is no way to life for him either.
I want to be able to have a savings account, to be able to go on a vacation, etc.

He calls crying he doesn't want to die...yet won't get help.... He was afraid to stay in his apartment any longer but wouldn't catch the flight that would have flown him back here tonight??
 

Copabanana

Well-Known Member
I don't know how to move on without feeling like a horrible mom. I honestly feel if he passed away it would be a relief. This is no way to life for him either.
I want to be able to have a savings account, to be able to go on a vacation, etc.
Trying. Why not seek out an online Al Anon meeting? These are completely normal and reasonable wants. You have no reason to feel guilt. It's not your fault, although your son's MO might be to place responsibility into you. He's wrong on so many levels. But that doesn't help that I say it. You've got to accept that it is not your fault, and that you deserve a good life, no matter what he chooses for himself.
He calls crying he doesn't want to die...yet won't get help.... He was afraid to stay in his apartment any longer but wouldn't catch the flight that would have flown him back here tonight??
He is a grown man who is making his own choices about his life, which is his right to do. If you look for rationality from him you won't find it. Addiction is not a rational mindset. By definition it's the opposite of reasonable and logical. I would urge you to begin to think about yourself, and to set a limit, so that he can't continue to abuse you. Yes. This is abuse. He is trying to drag you down, to tear you down. If he can do that, he can control you. Misery loves company. Refuse to be part of his pity party any longer. If you can't stop, then you need to learn how to stop. Al Anon will help you.

Trying. From this observer's point of view you are a willing participant in all of this. You can stop. You can tell him this: I will limit these calls to Sundays between 12 noon and 2pm. If you choose to call, you can do so then. You don't need to explain yourself or to justify yourself. Actually, if you will try, this will only give him incentive and means to hurt you more.

With this kind of limit, you can begin the healing process for you. Trying. You are addicted to the drama of your son. You need to recover. It's time.
 

tryingtobestrong

Active Member
What do you suggest I do when he calls and says he doesn't want to live anymore? He has called and he is drunk and brings up things from his childhood and is blaming us for working and having his grandparents babysit him. I know this is all hogwash and his way to try to drag us down. My problem is he called earlier today and asked about flying home to stay with a friend. My husband agreed to buy his airplane ticket and pick him up at the airport and then drive him to the friends house. Now tonight, drunk, he said he has no clue how he will even get to the airport, has not clue about packing,etc.
Said he has not life left to live... wants to die so badly... I suggested he goes for help and then decides about his life.. was told he was tired of me shoving everything down his throat.
The ex girlfriend called for a well check on him and he called us to tell us that the cop came and talked to him. I called the crisis line about getting him committed and they told me that they don't do that where he lives. All they do is send a cop and the cop will assess him and if he feels he is a harm then possibly will call to get him in.
If he doesn't get on the plane, no clue then what will happen.
Someone suggested we fly out and then fly him to treatment.. He is 25 yrs old and hard to force on anyone.
 

MissLulu

Well-Known Member
Dear Trying, I am reaching out across the miles to give you a virtual hug.

This is hard. So, so hard.

You asked how I feel... I am exhausted. I am tired of this life. I don't know how to move on without feeling like a horrible mom. I honestly feel if he passed away it would be a relief. This is no way to life for him either.
I want you to know that at times, I feel like this too. You are not alone. I hate that I feel this way, but sometimes I wish that it could all just be over - one way or another.

You and I (like all of us here) love our children and we want what's best for them, but they are adults and we have no control over what they do. You are right to set boundaries in your home to protect yourself and your husband. Is it possible for you to go one step further and set boundaries around contact? Because no matter what you do, you can't control the outcome for this adult child of yours. None of us can, no matter how much we wish otherwise.

In my opinion, it's time to step away and to focus more on you and less on your son. This is hard (believe me, I understand) but in the end it is the only way forward. Keep posting, Trying. When I am at my lowest I find comfort in posting here. I also find comfort in reading the posts of others. It eases my worries to see stories like RN's - where the outcome has been so positive. But I'm equally soothed by the stories of those parents whose children have not changed, but the parent has learned to detach and live their life without all the chaos.

Please keep reaching out Trying. We can get through this together.
 

BusynMember

Well-Known Member
I learned A lot about addiction through Al Anon. It's a disease that affects every part of the addict and a person remains an addict even if he is sober so he has addict personality traits.

You didn't cause it, you can't control it and can't cure it.

in my opinion you get too engaged with your son and addicts are very manipulative. They say what they must to trigger people who care. You can't stop him from doing anything.

I feel like I am repeating myself and I apologize, but this is not your problem to fix. I send all my love and prayers and hope that you decide to get help so that you can learn a better way of coping while having a addicted son. Be it Al Anon or private therapy, you are hurting because of your son and deserve the help that is available to you. Please please use it.

Be well.
 

MissLulu

Well-Known Member
Dear Trying,

We were posting at the same time, so I have only just read your last post. If it were me, I would not get on a plane to go get him.

Obviously you know your son, so you are in a better position to judge this than me, but I'm wondering whether this is a real threat or just a way of manipulating you into getting you to deal with his problems? I say this because in the past my son has used threats of suicide to manipulate me. I'm not saying this is the case with your son, simply raising the possibility.

I think he treats you the way he does because you are his soft landing place. Like I am for my son. My son has often abused this. He knows I will love him no matter what, so he treats me badly. I have stopped tolerating that. I hope others will have advice to add, but I think if you can, I would stop trying to solve his problems and instead tell him that you love him and want the best for him and that he needs to work out a concrete plan for what happens next. Tell him when he does that you will let him know what help you are able to provide.
 

tryingtobestrong

Active Member
So he just called and I seriously can not take it. He was saying he couldn't sleep.. I asked him if he packed for his flight tomorrow. Again,he was like ahhh what time is that again? I said you need to be at the airport at 7:55 am and his reply was Yeh. I don't think that will happen. So he didn't even pack yet,
I lost it and hung up. Got back on and heard him tell my husband how he is tired of disappointing everyone.
At this point, I don't really care what happens to him.
I asked my husband if he feels I should call the police and have a well check and his reply is "do what you want".
The police will just come and talk and that is it.
He is mentally fried. He has no friends there, no one that I can contact to check on him besides the exgirlfriend and it is not safe for her to do that when he is drunk.
I said to him that he was coherent enough to call us yesterday and ask us to pay for a flight for him to fly home to stay with his friend but now he can't even pack or get to the airport.

Called again... hey I can't sleep... things are so bad... you don't understand... I have never been this low....
I replied then why not get help now... got to treatment and use your FMLA and short term disability and get the help you need?
His reply.... "I am tired of being talked to... just listen once" OMG!

sorry had to post again
So wish I could get him involuntarily committed for a long term program but to do that in his state we have to apply for it, go to court, etc.
 
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MissLulu

Well-Known Member
Trying, do you have a plan for what you will do if he doesn't get on the plane? Perhaps, for your own peace of mind, a wellness check by the police is not such a bad idea. It's hard for me to give advice on that because our system is different here in Australia.

But if he doesn't get on the plane, what then? Do you think you can start to enforce some communication boundaries - eg turning your phone off at certain times of the day to give yourself a break, or insisting that he not call you when he isn't sober? I don't know what will work for you, but I do know that when I started to put boundaries in place for my son, things improved for me. It wasn't necessarily linear - we definitely had ups and downs - but he has seemed to take responsibility for himself since my husband and I made it clear that we wouldn't be subsidising him anymore.

It seems so cruel and hard to do (and it is against a mother's instinct, I think) but when we pull back and stop enabling the behaviour, we give our children the opportunity to live their lives their own way. He might surprise you.

For me it was baby steps. We set a timeline for ourselves - we didn't make huge changes overnight. Perhaps you and your husband could talk about what this might look like for you.

Let us know what happens.
 

Albatross

Well-Known Member
Good morning, Trying. Again, I see myself in your posts. As others have said, you are not alone in this. We have all been where you are.

I too feel like I am repeating myself. You need to let go. *YOU* need to let go.

You say you are at the point where you don't care what happens to him...that you are at the point where you are so fed up that you wonder if his death would come as a relief to you. This is no way to live, for you or for your son.

Believe me, I have been there! I felt as if I had a decaying, black, empty hole in the center of my chest where the love for my child used to be.

How do we resolve our mother's love with the fact that we just can't stand them?!

The only way...the ONLY way...I could start to recover was to accept that it is HEALTHY and REASONABLE to not be around him when I can't stand to be around him (which is to say when he's acting like an @$$).

I can still love him. I can still hope for the best for him. But hey! Wow! I DON'T HAVE TO BE AROUND HIM WHEN HE'S ACTING LIKE AN @$$!

For me, a long, hard break was necessary. It was the only way to recover some sense of emotional centering. During that break I got a lot of counseling and did a lot of reading about PTSD, because in my opinion what we go through as parents of addicts is very similar.

Trying, YOU need to find a way to stop engaging with this craziness. Not your son, YOU. Take him completely out of the equation of letting go. This has nothing to do with what he says or does. YOU need to let this go.

Why on earth are you taking calls from a drunk in the midst of a pity party, when you've taken so many calls before and you know exactly where they lead?

"Don't call me when you have been drinking." *CLICK* No lectures. No logic. Just hang up!

Then go do something *YOU* want to do that DOES NOT involve thinking or talking about your son.

Right now you are stuck in a deep, deep rut of ruminating about your son. Once you have carved some new pathways in your brain and heart, it will feel right to go down those pathways instead.
 

tryingtobestrong

Active Member
Update.. Son called this morning and was sober. Said he canceled his flight and wanted to go to treatment today. He made the call. I offered a new rehab and it was further away but he wanted to return to the one he was at before. He said he doesn't like the un-comfortableness of a new place... I said life is that way sometimes and we have to push through. If this rehab didn't have a room, then he was going to try another one. They did have a spot for him and he is there now.
He was so exhausted. I never remember hearing him so tired.
With the COVID guidelines he is concerned about isolation. He has to stay away for 7 days. He always struggled on the weekends because there is too much down time. He doesn't want to be alone like in his apartment.
Not sure what will happen with that. Seems like he doesn't want to give it up.
He really needs sober living and not to go back to the same place above the liquor store...
 

Albatross

Well-Known Member
Good news, Trying. I’m sure your mother heart is relieved. I hope this is a new start for him, and I hope you get some much-needed peace. Hugs to you today.
 

tryingtobestrong

Active Member
HE WALKED OUT OF TREATMENT.... BACK TO HIS APARTMENT.. ALONE..
LEFT BECAUSE HE WAS TOO ISOLATED... HE IS ALONE IN HIS APARTMENT SO THERE IS NO DIFFERENCE EXCEPT BOOZE AND SMOKES.
 

Albatross

Well-Known Member
He’s not ready, Trying. You can’t MAKE him ready. In my opinion the best thing for him (and you) is to step back and let him figure it out. Try to put it down for a bit. I know it’s not easy.
 

BusynMember

Well-Known Member
From long experience and education, he walked out for one reason: he is an alcoholic who wants to still drink just like my kid is not ready to give up her substance. For your son, a crowd of people or a girlfriend will not make him sober. It has to be his will, his desire. Nobody outside of him can help him get sober. Your worry won't help him. He has excuses why he won't quit. Kay did too. The bottom line is that they don't want to. People quit abusing substances every day. It is possible. But they have to want it.

Please don't ruin YOUR life. Do restrict when he can call. Stop sending money when he says he wants to fly home. Stop enabling him and do be kind to YOU. YOU deserve peace. Step away. He is a man. He has to do this himself. Or not. There is nothing you can do for him, but your husband and you can do a lot for yourselves.

Hugs.
 

Copabanana

Well-Known Member
Trying, right now and for awhile now you have operated as if your center of gravity is in your son. It's like his mouth is attached to your brain, and your brain is attached to his mouth. You react to him as if he plays you, runs you, like a marionette. All of us here recognize this way of relating to our child, because we have done it too. It never, ever works. Why? Because their brains are not functioning right. Why? Because their mouths are not attached to reason, to will, to logic. Why? Because you can't live your life with an umbilical cord connecting you to an alcoholic, unless you are an addict too. And that is the reason that most of us go on with this far too long. Because we have become addicted to the disordered life of our child and our sense that we can and should help them.

Oh. We tell ourselves all kinds of things. We're their mothers. They're our babies. They might die of (x, y, z). It is our responsibility to show them the right way to live and to guide them through the change process. And we say hundreds of more things that are just as irrational and foolhardy as the ones I just wrote. I know they are foolhardy because I was the fool.

Your son will keep doing the illogical, chaotic, inconsistent, dramatic and self-defeating things that he has been doing. There is not one thing that you can do to stop him or to make him do other things, which are better, smarter, healthier, etc. If you look back at your threads you will see the chaos which has aleady ensued. Of course there are disasters and health risks and losses, and more losses. Why? Because he is an alcoholic/addict. He has never seriously taken on recovery. Why? Because things have not gotten bad enough to motivate him. He does not want to recover, bad enough. If he did, he would try. Maybe he will never choose to recover.

And what will you do then? Will you do this the rest of your life? Will you throw away your life force and your money to keep going round and round with somebody who may pay lip service to changing, who extracts support and resources, by mouthing words that look like he wants to do this or that, who creates a three ring circus all around him over and over again? Is this the life you choose? It seems so.

There is a way out for you. You can get this monkey off of your back. The monkey is NOT your son. The monkey is your addiction to this circus, this way of life. Until you see that you are addicted to this, you will keep abusing YOUR drug of choice. This drama. This sense that you have control. This illusion you can save him. This fear that if you stop, something horrible will happen (please let me tell you. It already is.)This fantasy that your love and power and responsibility will make a difference. It won't.

For some reason you just don't want to hear it. I don't know who wrote it, but somebody did on this thread. We all have an inner timetable of how long we have to go on. And what it will take for us to put the burden down. You are already so sick and tired, Trying. When will it be enough for you?
 
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tryingtobestrong

Active Member
Well, I sit her at 2:40am and he is supposed to leave in the morning for another treatment facility. A friend came over to stay the night with him and drive him there. He already called and said he most likely won't go.
When he doesn't go tomorrow, I know I have to say we are done. I will not hear good things. I know he will be drinking.
I will ask him one more time where this life is leading him? His job won't last much longer, no job no place to live, etc.
It doesn't seem to get through.
It will be a hard day tomorrow. I know I have to tell him we are parting ways. He has 2 months left on our insurance.
 

Albatross

Well-Known Member
Wow, Copa. That was a GREAT post. That one is going in my purse to take out and fortify myself on bad days!

Trying, I will say it again too. Try letting go...
 
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