Functioning in life, using less...I was wrong. I can't detach. I still want to mother him, love him enough to make him want to stop. I know I can't. I don't know how to change my mindset. I know others here feel the pain that I do in my heart and I hope that reading and posting here will help me learn how to deal with it and how to detach as much as I need to to help him, and myself.
So many of my posts read very much like yours. I've been here since August when I found out my son had a "whole other life" using pot that I did not know about. And when I did find out - so many pieces (bad grades. slovenly appearance, crappy attitude) fell into place. We didn't intend to kick him out - we wanted him to stay home, go to school locally and get help. When he refused, we were stunned. Still are stunned and we still struggle with it. As of today, he has been home on college break for 4 weeks, he goes back next week, I have no idea how he is supporting himself beyond the minimal student loan he received and our offers to pay his tuition have been refused. I also have no idea if he is actually enrolled (though he seems to be) and no clue as to what classes he took or will take or what his grades are.
When I posted about my anxiety in the middle of the night (really 2 am), I meant it. Very much like you - I am struggling to detach. When I awoke the next morning - exhausted, cranky, anxious - I hid out in my room because I was ANGRY. My middle of the night anxiety had brought forth the realization that I was actually BEGGING my nearly 20 year old son to let me GIVE him $10,000. And when he balked, I actually begged more. HOW SCREWED UP IS THAT???
It took every bit of exhausted anxious energy that I could muster NOT to drag him out of bed and tell him exactly that. .. except I was exhausted and cranky and I knew it wouldn't be in MY best interests to give him a piece of my mind at that moment...
So I wait, and I wonder and I hope the 19 years of bed time stories, lovingly prepared dinners, Church on Sundays, "please, thank you, I love you" eventually overwhelm or outlast the part of him that thinks we are the enemy, who want to control him by taking away his freedom to use drugs.
Posting here, I gently realized (and sometimes was flat out told) that placating him was actually handing him control, 2nd chances were not opportunities - really, they just lowered the bar, that his drug use is bigger than me, and that I can't want to stop for him. He's got to want to stop and I've got to muster the patience and the courage to wait it out. And the more I enable, the longer that will take.
So I detach on the surface - but in private: I vent here, I stare at the bedroom ceiling at 2;00 am, I cry in the car, and I often sob into my husbands arms. The tears are often close, but I won't let difficult child see them. This beautiful baby whose eye's lit up when he saw mama after his nap has become a young man with a sneer on his face. And I need to let go of the baby.
As far as drifting from your marriage and you daughter - you need to fake it until you make it. Let your H know that you are struggling and you need his help. Be honest with your daughter - she knows more than you think. It's ok to share with her - the reality may be far better than what she is imagining.
And we are here for you.