When will he be a responsible adult???

[Beta]

Hopeful Parent--I read your posts and I don't see that you have any choice either. You can't afford to support your son, and he won't accept "no," without heaping abuse on you, which is creates trauma within you that can only damage you emotionally, mentally, physically. Children are supposed to honor their parents; that's what God commands. He is not honoring you. I think you are doing the right thing, but I know how painful it is, believe me.

 

[Hopeful parent]

Hopeful Parent--I read your posts and I don't see that you have any choice either. You can't afford to support your son, and he won't accept "no," without heaping abuse on you, which is creates trauma within you that can only damage you emotionally, mentally, physically. Children are supposed to honor their parents; that's what God commands. He is not honoring you. I think you are doing the right thing, but I know how painful it is, believe me.

Thank you and yes you are right. He should treat us more respectfully. I always weaken, but after last night I think I will carry through. I need at least a 12 month break from them and their self made dramas and disrespect. I have also made an appointment to see a councillor to see if she can help me through this. Sometimes I think we just need to be able to talk to someone.

 

[Beta]

Like someone else said in this post or maybe another--we may not know what works, but we sure know what DOESN'T work, because we've done it over and over, with the same results. It's time to try something else.

 

[BusynMember1]

We can not know what works to change another. In fact, we cant. But we can do whatever we need to do four ourselves.

Blessings!

 

[Blindsided]

Hi, not sure if I am posting in the right place or not, but Okie Girl top post seems similar to my problem. I last posted I think in 2017 while having a really hard time with my son. Tonight I have decided to block all the phone numbers from my son and his girlfriend as I feel they are toxic. My son turned 39 last week and as our relationship is not good (he rings me every week begging for money and gets abusive when I say no) He can ring me over 20 times in a day). I have been trying to build a relationship with him, but it is not working. The only way I can have a relationship with him is if I give him money every week. I can't afford to do that, our financial circumstances have changed in the last 18 months. We stopped giving him assistance completely 12 months ago. But he still rings me every week begging for money and then abusing me when I say no. So I had problems with him and his girlfriend again tonight over money. So tonight I have decided to block all their phones and to completely cut myself off from both of them and my little grandson who I have only seen about 4 times in his 14 months of life. I have 6 other grandchildren who I see regularly, (2 are his from his first marriage). I guess I just need to tell someone that I have made this decision tonight that enough is enough. Trying to have a relationship with these two toxic people (one my son who I love) is killing me. I can't do it anymore. i need to move on and enjoy my other two children and my grandchildren I do get to see. I think back to when my children were small,and I imagine that a lot of you feel the same, I would never have imagined that one day he and I would end up in this situation. Thank you for letting me post here.

Welcome Hopeful. I certainly relate in some way to everyone who posts here. I am so sorry to hear you having the same difficulties we all have faced.

I hope you will share your story in a new thread on Parents Emetris so responses come directly to you.

Love and light.

 

[Crayola13]

It's hard to understand why. We have people in our extended family who didn't grow up until they were about fifty. They didn't see the need to work full time until age forty. They think it's normal to have the electricity turned off because of non payment. They also think everyone else Le s their parents support them. Most of us will never understand. Some people, particularly some men, don't mature until much later in life. It's hard for an 80 year old to support two households.

 

[okie girl]

Crayola......My son is 48 and is following in his dad's footsteps. His dad died at age 52. I have blocked him on my phone and then I will get worried and unblock him. It never fails, when he calls he needs money. He is self employed doing lawn work and trimming trees which is not good in Oklahoma in winter. I have asked him repeatedly to get a job and do the lawn care on the side but he won't listen. He has daughter and son that are in their twenties and they don't want to have anything to do with him. I'm the only one left. My husband will not have anything to with him. My husband let him move into our home and he stole his gun and jewelry (jewelry belonged to his deceased mother and wife) I am so tired. He was in prison for 3 years for drugs and is on probation. His house was raided last month and drugs were found. He goes to court March 20th. He was living a really nice woman and they were planning on getting married but he couldn't stop messing around and staying out all night.
I could go on and on. I have no other options but block him again.

 

[BusynMember1]

There comes a time, a SAD time, when even Mom has to admit that a chronically non working, drug using adult is NOT just having a hard time growing up, but that our child is fully grown and just not going to do life as others do. We hate it but we know it and there is not one thing we can do about it except for embracing our own life, counting our blessings (God gives us all blessings) and letting go. 48, 49, 50. Your son is close to his senior year and still on a destructive path.

I have a disordered daughter in her 30s and there is nothing I can do to change her. Nothing. I pray. It is my only super power. I moved on, not easily! But it is what it is. We have no control over another human or our environment or what new instances come up. All we can control is our responses to whatever we face AND we can change our own path.

I read a great book called "Whatever Arises, Love That" by Matt Kahn (love him) and it changed how I see the world, especially challenges. I seem to be learning more and more about life and am on a forward path. I wish you could all share. There are paths to peace.

I am so sorry for your pain and wish I could wipe your tears. We are all holding your hands as mom's mom have been there. We understand. We are a loving team. We are always here for you.

Prayers...and look to the light in everything, even when in pain. You can do this. We will help. Love and hugs.

 

[okie girl]

Thank you busy for your encouragement. Yesterday I went off the deep in. This was before I blocked his number. He needed a tire and groceries
I gave him a credit card number to use. He lives about 2 hours away. No one would take the credit card just using the numbers, they needed the physical card. He was at Walmart and I tried to get it approved to no advail. When he got home he texted me telling me how embarrassing it was. This was how appreciated he was! I blocked him. I'm so exhausted

 

[Albatross]

Yesterday I went off the deep in.

We've all done that!

I think it is for the best that the card didn't go through. I'm glad you blocked him. Stay strong, Okie Girl.

 

[okie girl]

Thanks for encouraging words. Like I said in an earlier post, this all started when I was 17 years old and married his dad. I tried to discipline my son but his dad would overrule me. His dad was a "workaholic" or should I say womanizer. My son had no respect for me. His dad and i divorced in 1993. His dad died in 2002. My son was married at that time with a beautiful wife, a daughter and son. After his dad died, he started going down hill. He was seeing women on the side, his wife found out and they divorced. His kids are in their
Twenties and want nothing to do with him. He has really burned my husband by stealing
I am the only one left
This board is like a godsend. Thanks for all the support

 

[Crayola13]

He might need intense therapy and counseling. Is he open to going to counseling? I know someone who got on medication and was able to stop sleeping around and became more productive at work.

You mentioned he's following in his dad's footsteps. These types of behavior seem to be hereditary.

 

[okie girl]

Crayola.....He blames everyone else. So he thinks he's fine. So, needless to say, he wouldn't be receptive to counseling. I'm dreading March 20th (his court date). I'm putting all my worries in God's hands. Thank you for your suggestion. I appreciate it so much

 

[JMom]

Hi, not sure if I am posting in the right place or not, but Okie Girl top post seems similar to my problem. I last posted I think in 2017 while having a really hard time with my son. Tonight I have decided to block all the phone numbers from my son and his girlfriend as I feel they are toxic. My son turned 39 last week and as our relationship is not good (he rings me every week begging for money and gets abusive when I say no) He can ring me over 20 times in a day). I have been trying to build a relationship with him, but it is not working. The only way I can have a relationship with him is if I give him money every week. I can't afford to do that, our financial circumstances have changed in the last 18 months. We stopped giving him assistance completely 12 months ago. But he still rings me every week begging for money and then abusing me when I say no. So I had problems with him and his girlfriend again tonight over money. So tonight I have decided to block all their phones and to completely cut myself off from both of them and my little grandson who I have only seen about 4 times in his 14 months of life. I have 6 other grandchildren who I see regularly, (2 are his from his first marriage). I guess I just need to tell someone that I have made this decision tonight that enough is enough. Trying to have a relationship with these two toxic people (one my son who I love) is killing me. I can't do it anymore. i need to move on and enjoy my other two children and my grandchildren I do get to see. I think back to when my children were small,and I imagine that a lot of you feel the same, I would never have imagined that one day he and I would end up in this situation. Thank you for letting me post here.

Welcome Hopeful. I am very proud of the very HARD decision you have made. I believe it to be a good, solid decision, as he has continued begging for 12 months after you cut him off. I am even more PROUD of you for the initial cut off a year ago, That is a tough decision, although an intelligent one. It may not feel like it now, but you staying out of the mix is healthy for you and will not hurt him. It may be a catalyst for him to get sober.
Hugs,
Jmom

 

[okie girl]

Hi Okie,

My Difficult Child turns 39 in April. Nothing was/is his fault. When husband and I finally stopped enabling, he eventually quit asking (after a whole lot of meanness). He has continued to use and steal from other people. We have no evidence he has changed, but we have not given up hope that it will happen some day.

In the meantime, we are not being used. That has helped us - emotionally, financially, you name it.

You and I may not know what will work. We both know what does not work.

SS

 

[Crayola13]

I guess his court date is postponed due to Corona virus.

 

[okie girl]

I'm still trying to block my son. I had him blocked but was visiting my dad (my dad lives about an hour away) and he called on my dad's land line and I answered the phone. He said his truck had been repossessed and he needed money for food. I knew if my husband found out he would be furious. So against my better judgment, I wired him $200 to Walmart and left him the reference on his voicemail.

My husband and I was in our car, on our way home from my grandson's, and he called and my car phone picked up. I was busted. Son wanted the reference number again. I could tell he was "messed up"

Needless to say, my husband was furious. So I have blocked him again. Now I'm worried about him not having transportation to work and also the Coronavirus (which has been reported in his city). Any thoughts or advice would be greatly appreciated

 

[Triedntrue]

Welcome back but sorry you need to be here. I have blocked my son as well and for same reasons as you. They are close in age. It is hard but stick to your guns.

 

[okie girl]

This is so hard! He has no income and probably will get evicted from his house. Thank you for your reply. It helps to know I'm not alone. Thank you so much!!

 

[okie girl]

This is so heartbreaking! It is so scary with the Coronavirus out there. I know my hands are tied. I have blocked all contact with him but that doesn't stop me from worrying about him. For those who have blocked their kids, do you have any advice? I worry about him not having transportation, no money, and not enough food.