When will he be a responsible adult???

[okie girl]

Here i am again. I had my son blocked but i felt bad and unblocked him. He called today needing help. He said he has no money or food and his tire on his truck needed replaced. He has a business doing yard maintenance and trimming trees. He will not lessen to me because i told him he needs to get a job so he will have insurance and money coming in and do the lawn care on weekends. I told him i didn't have money to give him. He got mad saying i didn't even buy him a Christmas or Birthday gift. I told him i had bought him gifts but gave them to his son because i saw he was arrested for drugs. Of course he's not guilty but it was on the front page of the newspaper. He goes to court on March 20th. He is 48 years old. Will this ever end????

 

[Blindsided]

Oakie, what will change if you give in to your DCs manipulation? For me, it was nothing. The changes are happening now, for me. I believe it is because of the support I have gotten here. I am firm, I am applying the boundaries, and I only deal with reason. What would a reasonable person do? I have gotten out of my daughters way. She still tries to break the boundaries, but unlike the past, it no longer works. I hope you can pull from the strength here to keep saying no. Your Difficult Child son is a grown man. It's ok to expect him to act like one. When will he grow up? When he starts accepting responsibility for what he does instead of blaming others.

My heart goes out to you. I wish you grit and determination because I learned the only one I can change is me.

 

[SeekingStrength]

Hi Okie,

My Difficult Child turns 39 in April. Nothing was/is his fault. When husband and I finally stopped enabling, he eventually quit asking (after a whole lot of meanness). He has continued to use and steal from other people. We have no evidence he has changed, but we have not given up hope that it will happen some day.

In the meantime, we are not being used. That has helped us - emotionally, financially, you name it.

You and I may not know what will work. We both know what does not work.

SS

 

[Copabanana]

Dear okie girl:

Will this ever end????

There is no point for me to write more because Blindsided and Seeking have said it all.

When will he grow up? When he starts accepting responsibility for what he does instead of blaming others.

You and I may not know what will work. We both know what does not work.

I wish you grit and determination because I learned the only one I can change is me.

This is when it will end. When we put into place whatever is necessary in ourselves and our lives to insulate ourselves from the chaos, irresponsibility and mean-spiritedness of our children. And when we accept that whatever the pain, there is a right and wrong thing to do. And in the case of our able-bodied and able-minded middle-aged or near middle-aged adult children, the right thing to do is to let them solve their own problems and live their own life lessons. We have to cut the umbilical cord.

I have tried every single thing, many times over. My trying does not one thing to help or to change the situation. The smartest thing I have ever done is to cut off paying for anything. No food. No help. No nothing. The last tie is his cell phone which is on my plan. Within days, I will remove it. He won't even be bothered to answer if I call. Why would I pay?

They will figure it out. This is what will help them learn and to have the motivation to change, if they choose.

It has taken me years and years to arrive at this point. I can't say I don't worry or that it doesn't hurt. I worry. It hurts. And I am heartsick, at times. But I know this is the right thing. Finally.

 

[Albatross]

I agree with SS, Copa and Blindsided. Of course it is reasonable and necessary to get a job in the winter months, when landscaping jobs are few and far between. That is what an adult should do, not ask his mother to pay his bills, then play guilt cards about birthday and Christmas presents (?!?!) when you won’t solve the problems he created.

My son used to play the guilt cards. When we stopped giving him money and other support, he got mean, then moved on to targeting others, I’m sad to say. I wish I could change that, but that is unfortunately the way he chooses to relate to others. But at least he doesn’t do it to us anymore.

Your son might or might not change. I hope for his sake he does. For YOUR sake, I hope you stand strong and continue to tell him no more.

 

[okie girl]

Oakie, what will change if you give in to your DCs manipulation? For me, it was nothing. The changes are happening now, for me. I believe it is because of the support I have gotten here. I am firm, I am applying the boundaries, and I only deal with reason. What would a reasonable person do? I have gotten out of my daughters way. She still tries to break the boundaries, but unlike the past, it no longer works. I hope you can pull from the strength here to keep saying no. Your Difficult Child son is a grown man. It's ok to expect him to act like one. When will he grow up? When he starts accepting responsibility for what he does instead of blaming others.

My heart goes out to you. I wish you grit and determination because I learned the only one I can change is me.

I agree with SS, Copa and Blindsided. Of course it is reasonable and necessary to get a job in the winter months, when landscaping jobs are few and far between. That is what an adult should do, not ask his mother to pay his bills, then play guilt cards about birthday and Christmas presents (?!?!) when you won’t solve the problems he created.

My son used to play the guilt cards. When we stopped giving him money and other support, he got mean, then moved on to targeting others, I’m sad to say. I wish I could change that, but that is unfortunately the way he chooses to relate to others. But at least he doesn’t do it to us anymore.

Your son might or might not change. I hope for his sake he does. For YOUR sake, I hope you stand strong and continue to tell him no more.

 

[okie girl]

Thank ya'll for taking the time to respond. Ya'll have given me good advice and i appreciate it so much. I'm just so tired. Thank you again

 

[joysheph]

I remember feeling so exhausted and tired of my sons actions to a point of my husband and I turned the cheek or denied seeing his drugging, manipulating acts. I would go to my room while my husband got lost in the TV shows. Then we would ask each other what are we going to do? After reading posts on here I learned about boundaries and the three C's. Cant change, can't cure, cant control! I can control my self worth my sanctuary my happiness! I didn't cause him to use drugs nor will I continue to blame myself for the way he chooses to walk the road of life! I have accepted his way of living and I choose to not see my baby boy destroy his glory. I choose it is easier for me to give him to my higher power God. We have tried and failed. Now my son is in control of how he lives. Drugs street life or family and soberity? I believe you will gain strength. Keep coming here during the weak times it helps.
Joysheph

 

[Copabanana]

This was a brilliant, triumphant, powerful and joyful post, Joysheph. I loved it.

I can control my self worth my sanctuary my happiness!

nor will I continue to blame myself for the way he chooses to walk the road of life!

I choose to not see my baby boy destroy his glory.

YES!!! Hallelujah.

 

[Beta]

Just wanted to chime in my agreement to everything said. It hurts to see them destroy their lives but you can't let them destroy you in the process. Destroying you won't make them better.

 

[okie girl]

Thank ya'll for your encouraging posts. I truly believe I have tried and have turned him over to God. I have blocked him on my phone. This is so heartbreaking but I don't think I have any other options. He goes to court March 20th and he may be sent back to prison. Please keep us in your prayers

 

[Copabanana]

Let's see what son does with this reality he's facing in his life. In my own experience everything real that gets thrown at me, or anybody else, is an opportunity to change direction. He's no different. You gave him accurate and true feedback. About the reality that you face, and the reality he faces. This was a gift to him whether he admits it or sees it. He will do what he will do. Just as will all of our children.

Is it easy? No. I don't need to tell you. I wish it was easier. I do. I really, really do.

Please keep us in your prayers

We will okie girl.

 

[okie girl]

Let's see what son does with this reality he's facing in his life. In my own experience everything real that gets thrown at me, or anybody else, is an opportunity to change direction. He's no different. You gave him accurate and true feedback. About the reality that you face, and the reality he faces. This was a gift to him whether he admits it or sees it. He will do what he will do. Just as will all of our children.

Is it easy? No. I don't need to tell you. I wish it was easier. I do. I really, really do.
We will okie girl.

Thank you so much Copa. I truly appreciate you

 

[Hopeful parent]

Here i am again. I had my son blocked but i felt bad and unblocked him. He called today needing help. He said he has no money or food and his tire on his truck needed replaced. He has a business doing yard maintenance and trimming trees. He will not lessen to me because i told him he needs to get a job so he will have insurance and money coming in and do the lawn care on weekends. I told him i didn't have money to give him. He got mad saying i didn't even buy him a Christmas or Birthday gift. I told him i had bought him gifts but gave them to his son because i saw he was arrested for drugs. Of course he's not guilty but it was on the front page of the newspaper. He goes to court on March 20th. He is 48 years old. Will this ever end????

 

[Hopeful parent]

Hi, not sure if I am posting in the right place or not, but Okie Girl top post seems similar to my problem. I last posted I think in 2017 while having a really hard time with my son. Tonight I have decided to block all the phone numbers from my son and his girlfriend as I feel they are toxic. My son turned 39 last week and as our relationship is not good (he rings me every week begging for money and gets abusive when I say no) He can ring me over 20 times in a day). I have been trying to build a relationship with him, but it is not working. The only way I can have a relationship with him is if I give him money every week. I can't afford to do that, our financial circumstances have changed in the last 18 months. We stopped giving him assistance completely 12 months ago. But he still rings me every week begging for money and then abusing me when I say no. So I had problems with him and his girlfriend again tonight over money. So tonight I have decided to block all their phones and to completely cut myself off from both of them and my little grandson who I have only seen about 4 times in his 14 months of life. I have 6 other grandchildren who I see regularly, (2 are his from his first marriage). I guess I just need to tell someone that I have made this decision tonight that enough is enough. Trying to have a relationship with these two toxic people (one my son who I love) is killing me. I can't do it anymore. i need to move on and enjoy my other two children and my grandchildren I do get to see. I think back to when my children were small,and I imagine that a lot of you feel the same, I would never have imagined that one day he and I would end up in this situation. Thank you for letting me post here.

 

[BusynMember1]

I do think about when my daughter was very young. She was difficult from the start but I loved her so and had so much hope.

Had I seen how she would turn out, with no relationship with us, Ip would not have had any other kids. I am glad I could not see her in the future. It is much like not having her as my daughter at all. She is adopted and the others are not and I often wonder if this horror show happens more often with adopted kids. I loved her as if I had given birth to her....she was never as attached to us as her siblings were. Breaks my heart. She was our princess. We were told we could not have kids but there was her and she was our shining star, our only for seven years. Our superstar. But now .. gone. As if we never had a daughter. Her son is with my younger daughter, a loving blessing who is profoundly disabled. But we adore him. She gave us him....but she is gone. Like a dream we once had.

Blessings to all.

 

[Hopeful parent]

Dear okie girl:There is no point for me to write more because Blindsided and Seeking have said it all.


This is when it will end. When we put into place whatever is necessary in ourselves and our lives to insulate ourselves from the chaos, irresponsibility and mean-spiritedness of our children. And when we accept that whatever the pain, there is a right and wrong thing to do. And in the case of our able-bodied and able-minded middle-aged or near middle-aged adult children, the right thing to do is to let them solve their own problems and live their own life lessons. We have to cut the umbilical cord.

I have tried every single thing, many times over. My trying does not one thing to help or to change the situation. The smartest thing I have ever done is to cut off paying for anything. No food. No help. No nothing. The last tie is his cell phone which is on my plan. Within days, I will remove it. He won't even be bothered to answer if I call. Why would I pay?

They will figure it out. This is what will help them learn and to have the motivation to change, if they choose.

It has taken me years and years to arrive at this point. I can't say I don't worry or that it doesn't hurt. I worry. It hurts. And I am heartsick, at times. But I know this is the right thing. Finally.

 

[Hopeful parent]

I do think about when my daughter was very young. She was difficult from the start but I loved her so and had so much hope.

Had I seen how she would turn out, with no relationship with us, Ip would not have had any other kids. I am glad I could not see her in the future. It is much like not having her as my daughter at all. She is adopted and the others are not and I often wonder if this horror show happens more often with adopted kids. I loved her as if I had given birth to her....she was never as attached to us as her siblings were. Breaks my heart. She was our princess. We were told we could not have kids but there was her and she was our shining star, our only for seven years. Our superstar. But now .. gone. As if we never had a daughter. Her son is with my younger daughter, a loving blessing who is profoundly disabled. But we adore him. She gave us him....but she is gone. Like a dream we once had.

Blessings to all.

 

[Hopeful parent]

Busynmember, I read your post. I have three children, my youngest is adopted, yet I have a good relationship with him. It is my natural son who we have these problems with. So it is different in each family I guess. It is so sad for us all when we love a child and raise them and then this happens. I think the mental anguish of constantly wondering where I have gone wrong. I should have done this, I should not have done that etc etc is the worse for me. I guess we can only hope that one day our missing love one may get well. For me I live in hope. But at the moment I need to cut him off - what I am doing is not working. Okie girl, I also block my son and then unblock him all the time, as most of the stuff I read says we should always let them know we are there for them. But i think there is a line where this can no longer apply. It comes down to our own mental health and I really believe if I don't cut him and his toxic partner out of my life I'm the one that is not going to make it. Knowing this though does not make it any easier to do. So I need to be strong.

 

[Hopeful parent]

I love the saying "You can do hard thing" I say this to myself each day.