I was so sad most of January that I could barely get out of bed most days...
I've been doing a lot of 'self care' so I have felt a lot better in February
however, in the past couple of weeks, I've grown increasingly numb
about then, I got a nasty letter from my father
I burned the letter and feel really 'done' with my parents...
I decided to be 'true to myself' and give him gifts like I've always done
-- a card and candy...it was also snowing here (an unusual thing)
I was so nervous just driving on that road, even nauseous, but left it and got an email from him later that said
'ok. got it'
-- my doing this caused my husband and I to have an argument because of the feelings it stirred up
I've texted him weekly
I decided to finally reach out to you...why do I feel so numb?
Back In the Saddle, I've been wondering how you were. There are three others of us that we haven't seen for a little while too, and I am waiting for them to post with updates.
I am so glad you posted, BITS.
What you are doing is a such a hard thing. As I see it, you had no choice but to take the actions you took regarding your son. BITS, I believe that, on some level, this dynamic was already in play long before the events that transpired in December. It seems to me that the problems between your son and yourself have been carefully nurtured by the grandfather, time over time, to just this end.
I would be numb, too.
In a way BITS, you have lost everything that matters, everything you worked so hard toward having, swallowed your pride for so many times, and invested your heart, soul, and mind into. This is not only about your son. This is about being made to feel bad, about being made to feel wrong and responsible, just like when you were a little girl.
Only this time, the thing you are being punished by, for, and over, the thing your father is dangling in front of you, is your own child. Is the mind and heart of your own son ~ is your son's perception and rejection of who and how you are.
No wonder you're numb.
And, like when you were little, you're fixing to blast that SOB.
I swear you are, BITS.
I think that is why you numbed down. You are waiting to see what happens if you act nicely, first. If you play by the rules of normal, decent behavior, maybe the nightmare will stop.
He is covering his tracks pretty well, your father.
He came out of this smelling like a rose.
Your position has been one of powerlessness for some time now, I think. I believe you knew it, saw it coming, and decided to set limits for your son, knowing he might run to your father, knowing your father might triumph.
But the threat hanging over your head, and your son's BITS, has been there for a really long time. It is hard enough to parent without a grandfather purposefully confusing issues. Not seeing it, trying to pussyfoot around it when there were forces pushing for it, forces trying to undermine you every step of the way...that would have been a wrong thing, too.
I think you are numb because there was no good choice to make. How horrible to be in a situation like this one when what is at stake is your own child.
Knowing it was coming does not ease the pain, the shame, the anger, the grief. You had to take this path, BITS. You had to do what was right in raising your son. It was a risk, and I think you knew it when you took it. You did it for your son's own sake...and this was the outcome. Until things come back into balance (and one day, they will) you are doing the right things in making the effort to keep contact with your son. As time passes, as you post and receive response here, the shaming, almost desperate nature of the interaction will become healthier. I don't mean to offend. I sense the vulnerability beneath the actions, the hurt and rage and shame.
You did what needed to be done in confronting your son, BITS. There would have been no point in allowing things to go on as they were out of fear that this might happen.
Now, the choice has been made. The cards are on the table, face up. Even your father's cards are finally on the table, face up.
You cannot change your father's hateful, rageful, spiteful, so pointlessly hurtful game plan, BITS. Like my mother, who will be who she is until the day she dies, your father may never change.
Or maybe...this is his vehicle for change.
Maybe BITS, this is where your family has its opportunity to address and heal all the badness handed down, generation to generation. I don't know so much about that, but you will be able to see whether there are repeating patterns, here.
From what you have told us about your family's dynamic, there are.
Like us BITS, like those of us whose kids are homeless or addicted or hopelessly lost in the frighteningly unreal world of mental illness, you will need to choose your path, accept that there are consequences to your choices, stay present in the moment and let go of the outcome if you intend to survive.
Sounds pretty dramatic, right?
It's true.
It's really hard to do that. Learning that skillset is impossible BITS...but I think it is the only way you will survive this intact.
We are right here, BITS. You know others of us will be along in a minute or two. Each of us will see a little piece, will be able to address something the others of us missed.
And we will get through this, BITS.
I don't know why this had to happen. I mean, I know your father forced it. I don't understand how or why a parent can be, can wish to be, so cruel, so destructive of his or her own child. But my mother is that way, too.
You aren't the only one, BITS. Your abuser abuses not because of something in you, but because of something in him. Abuse is such an impersonal thing. It hurts so much that it feels like it must be true.
But it is not true, BITS.
You are a fine woman, a beautifully loving mother. You are being targeted by an abusive male. It isn't going to feel sane or right or good.
You are strong enough, BITS.
And we are right here.
Cedar
I wanted to note that it is interesting that your father sent the nasty letter when he did. He did that because you are defying him, BITS. He must be about ready to, as the old saying goes, spit bricks. Maybe things are not quite as sweet as they seem to be, over at Grandpa's house.
I have been in that place where I was done with my parents, too. Or, where they (my mother) was done with me. It was an interesting thing to note that suddenly, my mother created this whole "if she doesn't want to be part of this family / it's all your father's fault / it's all (my husband's) fault / how dare you / who do you think you are." It degenerated to the point that when my father had open heart surgery and I called the hospital to see how he was, she had me blocked. If I wanted to know whether he lived or died, I needed to go through my mother.
I said my goodbyes to my father in private (to myself), and did not call, again.
It is what it is. No sense pretending it was anything else. But my mother got a sick kick out of it, BITS. It was the only power she had, and she used it.
There are times when it is what it is, and the cost is what it is, and you refuse to pay or play the game, anymore. That is what you did, BITS. There was no way to avoid it for me, and there is no way to avoid or change it, for you.
I'm sorry, BITS. But it is what it is.
It literally has nothing to do with you. It is nothing personal. There is pain there to be unloaded and you have been targeted.
As you have been, all of your life.
********
I hope all is well now with your husband. My husband has heard hours and hours of pain and tears and rage, too. It changes the dynamic of the marriage, for them to see us in that kind of dark, shaming pain. But your husband will see you, shining through the hurt of it, and he will pull you through.
*************
Doing for difficult child what you have always done is of primary importance. Providing opportunities for him to see you is very important. Your father would like nothing better than to have you cut difficult child off.
Then difficult child will be entirely in your father's power.
Right now?
You have your father in checkmate AND HE KNOWS IT. That is why he sent the nasty letter. To weaken and confuse you.
You are your son's mother.
Your father is not going to win this one.
If this does not resolve soon, (I think it will resolve ~ there is a pressure cooker kind of feel to it) but if it does not resolve, can you cultivate those feelings of love and find gratitude where you can.
Find gratitude where you can.
Gratitude for what you do have, gratitude for what you have left, will get you through this on a daily basis.
It is the only thing I know of with that kind of healing in it.
Begin a gratitude journal. Five items, five things you are grateful for, every day.
There is something called "morning pages." First thing, you write three pages about anything you want. But you write without thinking it through. Pour out your heart. Date and hide the pages away. No one gets to see these pages but you. As you begin, you will learn to call these pages the morning rages, instead.
That is what I call mine.
:O)
But all the muddle of hurt and pain and rage will be pinned down there, where you can see it.
That helped me to find my way into what I was really feeling, beneath the numbness, beneath the hurt and the rage.