Work and Germany; Benedictines and Buddhists: Attitude

[Scent of Cedar *]

Nothing that would compensate me for what it cost me to go back, to fall in love with her. The price of the inheritance was her death. My mother's death. I want to give it away so she will come back. I need her so. Still.

Yes.

But you do have her, Copa. You have her in your heart. But could it be you are misinterpreting what she is telling you about yourself, and about her, and about what it meant to her to be your mother?

We have discussed how interacting with our children has changed each of us. We have talked about "At the touch of Eternity, we will know." From her place now, beyond the pale, how vitally, perfectly right is every smallest thing that happened between yourself and your mother and your sister?

It is perfect Copa, because it happened.

We may not ever know why it had to be just this way.

"Let me win. If I cannot win, let me be brave."

Patrick Kennedy
Special Olympics Chair

It is if I am throwing it in my face: See. You wanted stuff. Here it is. What is it worth, your wanting, everything you wanted? Nothing. What you wanted, what you needed is gone. In an urn in your closet. Ashes. Nothing is worth what you lost, and wanted and needed.

You are so cruel to Copa.

You are breaking my heart.

An act of willful self-destruction?

I don't know, Copa. It took an act of will and courage to leave them. It took courage and passion to come back; to see it through.

But you did it.

Now you must have that same determination Copa to reclaim your life and save it for yourself, for the joy in the simplest things.

It is the year 2015.

Where did the time go.

I will never have my mother. I may instead have myself. I am not enough.

We don't get to choose that. Whether we are or are not enough, we are all we have. At the end of the day, there is only us and the stars.

I could not have a mother. Who loved me in the way or cared for me in the way I needed. I could not bear to be with my mother for any sustained length of time. And now it is repeating itself with my son.

Mine, too.

WTF?

Cedar, I do not know what I have or do not have. I am sad now. I spoke with my son and it went badly. I posted on Serenity's FOO thread.

I will look, Copa.

I just want to go back to bed.

Are the sheets soft and fresh, and the bedroom filled with sun?

The Sleeping Beauty kiss, Copa?

I refuse to believe you go back to bed in defeat. Nothing about you fits that. So...why do you go back? To awaken through the Sleeping Beauty kiss....

To reset time, somehow Copa?

Do you think you will go back to bed?

Is your bed big enough for all of us?

:O)

So, maybe that is what I am doing with the stuff. Yes to anything. I will stop.

I don't know about the buying of stuff, Copa. We are tricked by advertising to believe things will make us happy. That has to be in here somewhere.

The things I said "yes" to were things that would help someone else, Copa. Something you add to what you are already doing. There is nothing wrong with buying things online. Eventually, whatever this is will run its course.

I think the key has to be to do something that matters for someone else. Like taking care of the stray cats so they would not go feral again before the family that was trying to tame them came back. I would go there, feed the cats, and try to get them to let me pet them.

That's it. But it was something. I had to be somewhere at a certain time twice daily. The cats were depending on me.

Those opportunities will be coming again soon I think, Copa. There are always times we can help, but sometimes, we cannot hear the request, or we refuse it.

Listen now, and say "yes".

The strangest things will come.

The only thing I told myself about any of it was that if I agreed, then I needed to be there on time.

It was about respect for me, and for them. And that turned in to integrity, for me.

I won.

"Let me win. If I cannot win, let me be brave."

Copa?

Good Morning!

 

[BusynMember]

I am accepting that I cannot have a relationship with my son. Somebody has to cede.

You do have a relationship with your son as he calls you to make sure you are still there. Remember that. I have a possible suggestion for talks with your son. Let him talk and just listen. Even if he says the ridiculous, just nod. Arguing won't quell his fear of his conspiracy theory. Less is more. I had to learn this late. I am a talker. I talk too fast, too much, I interrupt people...it is something I have to be conscious of...let them finish. I am learning that less is more with difficult people. I had a recent experience of this with a family of member. The person talked too much, too loud and was hurtful on purpose and I tried to interrupt when the person was all amped up and yelling and it just got worse so the talk ended. I kicked myself. Why had I thrown fuel on the very amped up fire? I know better now. Maybe I didn't always know, but there is no excuse now. I do know.
"Less is more, dummy!" (the dummy being me)

 

[New Leaf]

Maybe I didn't always know, but there is no excuse now. I do know.
"Less is more, dummy!" (the dummy being me)

You are far, far from being a dummy, you are a very vibrant, caring, amazing, strong, healing woman.
No, no more negative self talk-
Less is more, darling! (the darling being you)
leafy

 

[Scent of Cedar *]

"Less is more, dummy!" (the dummy being me)

How about: "Less is more. I know that, now."

Also, to be aware where we are taking responsibility for outcomes we could never have controlled. The other person may have an agenda. It is hard to bless ourselves and go on from that little bit of forgiveness.

You are Serenity Sunshine. I don't like it when you name yourself hurtful names.



It makes me feel sad.

The person talked too much, too loud and was hurtful on purpose and I tried to interrupt when the person was all amped up and yelling and it just got worse so the talk ended.

"...was loud and hurtful on purpose...."

So none of this is your responsibility. In fact, you were very kind to listen, and to forgive in place. But the other person wanted to abuse.

I am glad the talk ended.

When we have been abused, we take responsibility to make sense of what happened. Bottom line is that we've been hurt.

I am very sorry this happened to you, Serenity.

Ouch.

I kicked myself.

Why had I thrown fuel on the very amped up fire? I know better now. Maybe I didn't always know, but there is no excuse now. I do know.

It is good to take responsibility for our part in something, if we learn from it.

But I agree with Leafy. You are wonderful and generous and kind. Not a bad name of any sort. You are human. It's okay to forget, to make mistakes.

It's okay for me, too.

Sometimes, even if we haven't done anything wrong, the situation is not a good, healthy situation and we suffer for it, wishing it could have been something nicer.

I thought your response to Copa was stellar, Serenity.

I am going to try to remember that there is room and space and power in silence.

Cedar



That is us, surrounding you and whispering good names that we know are true to erase the hurt of the bad one.

 

[BusynMember]

You are far, far from being a dummy, you are a very vibrant, caring, amazing, strong, healing woman.

Wow. Thanks. It means so much to mean when extremely intelligent women say this to me. I know, I know. That's negative too. But it's true. Mucho thanks, Leafie. So glad you joined us.

 

[BusynMember]

How about: "Less is more. I know that, now."

I am a hyper-talker. I have been told it is partly anxiety, partly I need to LISTEN better to others. Yes, I have many flaws. I am trying not to hyper-talk so much now and not to interrupt. It's hard!!! Sounds silly, but...habits. But I have learned "less is more" dear Cedar. My new way of dealing with difficult people works when I do it. Without fuel, there can be no fire.

 

[Scent of Cedar *]

I am a hyper-talker. I have been told it is partly anxiety, partly I need to LISTEN better to others. Yes, I have many flaws. I am trying not to hyper-talk so much now and not to interrupt. It's hard!!! Sounds silly, but...habits. But I have learned "less is more" dear Cedar. My new way of dealing with difficult people works when I do it. Without fuel, there can be no fire.

Did you know this is something that happens to so many of us, Serenity? That is why people, politicians especially, not only have people to write what they say, but people to coach them in how to say it most confidently and believably.

Slow speaking in low voices draws people toward us.

Large gestures, when we do gesture, which we should not, are more confident looking, and instill more confidence in the speaker, than multiple fidgety gestures.

It is interesting to me that there are professionals who train people to present themselves. Actors, or those who speak in public, actually hire people to present them as they would wish to be seen if only they weren't as unsure of themselves as we all are.

Just think about that, Serenity.

We will learn to be our own best public relations image consultants.

But there really are people who present public figures in the best light possible. They work with them in body language and patterns of speech, in appearance and dress, right down to the color of their hair and their shoes.

Isn't that something.

Cedar

 

[BusynMember]

Did you know this is something that happens to so many of us, Serenity? That is why people, politicians especially, not only have people to write what they say, but people to coach them in how to say it most confidently and believably.

I need to hire one of them...lol!!!!

 

[Copabanana]

My new way of dealing with difficult people works when I do it. Without fuel, there can be no fire.

Very wise. I did not get the memo in time. I will try. This is very cogently put.

Large gestures, when we do gesture, which we should not

Oh dear.

COPa

 

[Copabanana]

But could it be you are misinterpreting what she is telling you about yourself, and about her, and about what it meant to her to be your mother?

From her place now, beyond the pale, how vitally, perfectly right is every smallest thing that happened between yourself and your mother and your sister?

It is perfect Copa, because it happened.

We may not ever know why it had to be just this way.

It is a better and truer way to think about love. That love came first. And all of the rest was what came with it to serve love in all of its facets. Some loving. Some not.

The lesson here would be to live from love: my love for her and hers for me and the other love I feel and have felt. None of the rest matters.

I don't know, Copa. It took an act of will and courage to leave them. It took courage and passion to come back; to see it through.

But you did it.

Yes, Cedar. Thank you.

Now you must have that same determination Copa to reclaim your life and save it for yourself, for the joy in the simplest things.

Yes. Thank you.

COPA

 

[New Leaf]

I am a hyper-talker. I have been told it is partly anxiety, partly I need to LISTEN better to others. Yes, I have many flaws. I am trying not to hyper-talk so much now and not to interrupt. It's hard!!! Sounds silly, but...habits.

I am the same, I am thinking too much, when others talk, and I feel as if I will forget what I was thinking, I think.
I have to learn to listen and....

The gesture part.....I am a hand talker. Why should we not gesture?

Or is it the large unladylike hand gesture I have made at the phone when talking with Attilla gesture you are talking about?

leafy

 

[New Leaf]

Wow. Thanks. It means so much to mean when extremely intelligent women say this to me. I know, I know. That's negative too. But it's true. Mucho thanks, Leafie. So glad you joined us.

Geez SWOT, I was thinking the same thing. You. Extremely intelligent, YOU!

 

[Scent of Cedar *]

It is better and truer way to think about love. That love came first. And all of the rest was what came with it to serve love in all of its facets. Some loving. Some not.

The lesson here would be to live from love: my love for her and hers for me and the other love I feel and have felt. None of the rest matters.

"...And all of the rest was what came with it to serve love IN ALL ITS FACETS."

I love this, Copa.

Remember, in Leonard Cohen's Halleluiah?

"Love is not a victory march. It's a cold and it's a broken halleluiah."

I've been thinking about that alot, lately. Especially where being Germany
in our thinking about FOO is concerned.

Love in all its facets.

The lesson here would be to live from love: my love for her and hers for me and the other love I feel and have felt. None of the rest matters.

To me lately, it seems that I have been living from love to my specs. Not accepting; not speaking out immediately at a slight, forgiving instead though

To lose even one felicity is to have been robbed of more than we have a right to spare

Charles Williams

I have been thinking and thinking about this aspect of things. The result is that when I shout "F You, Mom" now? There is a joy in it, where before, there was only defiance. That is because I am more present now, I think.

Roar F you Mom Woot! Woot!

And I lay back in the blue water like IZ, hugely fat.

Love in all its facets.

I am the same, I am thinking too much, when others talk, and I feel as if I will forget what I was thinking, I think.
I have to learn to listen and....

I don't remember who we were reading, but the writer was talking about respect, and presence, and trust. Trust that your response will be appropriate, but never perfect. We can see it this way. We could see that needing to be perfect is an artifact of abuse, is an artifact of external (versus internal) locus of control.

So, when we think about it like that we are more present, just a little more present. Which is really scary. To be present, to risk real over role is to be vulnerable. So, then we get hurt and ~ huh. We survive. We are so surprised. Life goes right merrily along. We are so surprised because, in our childhoods, life did not proceed, were we ever once to make the mistake of vulnerability.

***

That is why it is courageous, and very brave of us, to risk it, now. We don't have to, you see. We know just how to slide through all of it without once coming real; without once being present, or warm.

It is very lonely, in perfection land.

In a far land of witches and ogres
in a time of Princesses on strings
There was come
to those trapped on that Island

A staunch ally
from the Valley of Horses and Kings

On the Wind they did ride
the Princesses and the ally....
Through Fire and through Smoke
to the Land, far and fair

On white horses with reigns of
black satin
Seeded pearl ribbands
in their Sun scented hair

Draped in veils sewn of silk and
white cotton
Beneath which fly the colors of each Lady
fair
So they traveled, the ally and the Ladies
toward the Dawning

Through black, blasted lands wherein each Lady's past
had its lair

I will find the rest of that poem.

It is about group therapy, Leafy.

Cedar

 

[Scent of Cedar *]

The gesture part.....I am a hand talker. Why should we not gesture?

It isn't that we should or should not. It is that those with Presence do not. Or, those with true power, do not. Watch and see. That is why we see hands resting gently, one atop the other or lightly clasped. That is what we see when we see someone who is well mannered: Presence.

Or in someone happily relaxed.

IZ had incredible presence. I have never seen anything like it, ever.

Statues of the Buddha possess a sense of presence; music, too.

It has something to do with happy efficiency, which is come of acceptance, but I don't know more than that because I am not there yet, either.

I am still in Roar F You Mom Woot Woot. Stitching up needlepoint insults at savage and remarkable speed. Soon? My fingers will move so rapidly we will not be able to see them, or to see the phrases being formed.

Then, the phrases will say something worth reading; something we can hear.

:O)

Cedar

 

[New Leaf]

ahhhhh, yes. Iz, so remarkably comfortable and calm.

I will leave now, the hubs and I are going shopping for some last minute items.

Extreme Chinese Waitress in crowds, not good. So anti-Chinese to not operate well in crowds.
Hubs has some very strict shopping rules, which many people break, having to do with being considerate. I shall have to be on my toes. The biggest shopping foul on the list


1. Thou shalt not block the isle.
(to be followed by ominous drumming and gregorian styled chanting to emphasize the grave error in this, and the ensuing laser like penetrating eye beams of disgust from the hubs to the offender, which is sometimes invariably, me.)



Wish us luck gals, this is a date for the hubs, so romantic, my neanderthal......

Have a wonderful Sunday
leafy

 

[Scent of Cedar *]

And we...are going Chinese, for dinner.

Have a nice night, everyone.

Cedar

 

[Copabanana]

To me lately, it seems that I have been living from love to my specs. Not accepting; not speaking out immediately at a slight, forgiving instead though

I am so confused. This is what I am doing with my son.

It does not feel right.

Nor does listening passively feel right, either.

And I lay back in the blue water like IZ, hugely fat.

Love in all its facets.

Yes. I will write more you this later. How we manifest physically and what it means.

Wish us luck gals, this is a date for the hubs, so romantic, my neanderthal......

It is romantic, New Leaf. He loves you. He is strong and good and kind. How much more romantic can you get?

COPA

 

[Copabanana]

Cedar and Everybody,

Have a good afternoon and evening. Cedar, this is the name of the book and author the librarian could not find:

Guilt, Shame and Anxiety, Understanding and Overcoming Negative Emotions
Peter R. Breggin MD

COPA

 

[BusynMember]

I am so confused. This is what I am doing with my son.

It does not feel right.

Nor does listening passively feel right, either.

I did not mean to do this with everyone. I meant when there is no win in it...not even a connection to your words (just disdain and arguing) it is perhaps not worth the time to speak out. I find it useless to talk to the wall, know what I mean? I have found it counterproductive. I don't do it anymore, when my head is screwed on right...ahem!!!!

But maybe it's not t he right path for you to take. We all have to find what works best for us!!

 

[Scent of Cedar *]

I think when we behave differently, we don't have a gauge or a way to know whether we behaved correctly. We are not getting positive feedback at all from the person with whom we have suddenly begun interacting from a position of our own instead of from a position pleasing to them. (Internal versus external locus of control.)

Then I think we have to be our best that we know to be. We need to stay steady, steady state and have courage and be brave and wait for whatever comes of our changed responses with integrity and no map.

It is totally uncomfortable.

No map.

So, like always, we have to steer by the stars and sure enough: Clouds.

Cedar

That is how it feels to me.

Not graceful or perfect.