Young difficult child is back in jail...

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by lovemysons, Dec 15, 2011.

  1. lovemysons

    lovemysons Well-Known Member

    Well, pretty much knew this was coming sooner or later.

    Young difficult child has been "out" of jail on a PR Bond for the past several months.
    His original felony of spitting on police several yrs ago has now come to find him in violation for getting re-arrested so they put a warrant out for his arrest.

    Anyway, the other night Young difficult child and some buddies were out. The "tags" on the vehicle the friend was driving were out so young difficult child said they needed to be legal lest they get pulled over and he go to jail. Well, lol, they fix the "tag" situation and neighbors call police to report suspicious activity. The police arrive and ask all for ID and young difficult child has there ya have it. It was fate I supose. He just was supposed to go to jail that night.

    husband is thrilled...which bothers me. husband has wanted young difficult child out of our home since the day young difficult child got out of jail and arrived. We now have NO young adults living in our home. We have had as many as 9 or 10 in the past several years. It is so quiet, and the only messes are husband's and mine.

    I did get "due dates" from both wives (daughter in law's) this past week. Both are due in day apart. Oldest difficult child's new baby's due date is May 22nd. Young difficult child and his wife's due date is May 21st.
    I can't believe I'm going to be a grandmother to 5 grandchildren!

    Have not visited young difficult child in jail yet. I do plan on it soon though as he may be transported to Amarillo where his probation officer is.
    We did try to keep him here at home through the Holidays and to have time with his family before turning himself in for warrants...but I guess it was his time.

  2. CrazyinVA

    CrazyinVA Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I'm sorry, I know this is tough, especially around the holidays. But you're right, it was inevitable.. and hopefully, will be a turning point for the better.

  3. buddy

    buddy New Member

    So sorry. I know you say it was his time but at the holidays it is always sad to not have all your duckies in place. Hugs to you...
  4. Nancy

    Nancy Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Oh dear, not a good time of year to be sitting in jail. But I don't know why these young people think they can keep evading the consequences of their behavior. I'm sorry LMS.

  5. lovemysons

    lovemysons Well-Known Member

    Just called our County Jail to find out visitation schedule for young difficult child as daughter in law is supposed to be coming over soon for me to watch grandbabies while she goes to visit.
    Well, he has apparently been transported to another TDC facility at 8:30 this morning.
    So I guess we will have to await word on where he is now as I have no idea if he is headed to Amarillo to do time for probation violation or headed to Texas Prison system. I don't know.

    It is sad that this is the situation for him and his family over the Holidays...but, I know it has to hurt. It has to hurt bad enough so that he may recall in the future that his alcoholism/addicitons have gone unchecked for too long and this is the price he and others must pay for his choices while using.

    I know too...that he will get dry and have a fresh start when he is released down the road.

    husband and I had given young difficult child til the end of this month to turn himself in for warrants. I actually talked to his probation officer a week or so ago and told her I would have him in Amarillo by the 29th of December. We had told young difficult child that we had to see change and some forward movement from him. We could not continue to live like this forever...him loafing around the house and getting ahold of alcohol from "friends" at times. He kept saying that he couldn't get a job with no current ID (has been using his Military ID) and with warrants now out for his arrest. So we knew he had to get his warrant situation out of the way.
    The plan still is for him to do his time, get released to our home, get new ID, get a job...take care of his family.

    I do know that without help...AA, none of the rest will happen.

    I hope he has enough time to stop and piece all of his life's circumstances together and consider how he got here.

    Thank you for the care,
  6. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    The silence in your house must be eerie. Is easy child coming home for Christmas?

    You know that I'm always rooting for your difficult child's. In a million years I bet you never pictured not having a close loving relationship with your daughter in law's. on the other hand you're absolutely right to accept it like it is and thank God that difficult child#1 is living a clean life. Speaking of daughter in law's do you and your husband still hook up with his family? Haven't read about any get togethers lately so curious.

    Hoping that difficult child#2 finds a healthier path once he is free again. God works in mysterious ways. DDD
  7. lovemysons

    lovemysons Well-Known Member

    Hi DDD...Always good to see you!

    I "think" easy child is coming home for Christmas...Have heard conflicting reports. One is that she is going to Colorado to visit husband's father and his wife. The other is that she will be I don't know right now. Sadly, if she is here...Oldest difficult child will not come to see us on Christmas with his family.
    But my easy child warms my heart and I always feel positive vibes when she's around.

    I am very close with young difficult child's wife. She is a nurturer/a caregiver...and just sweet.
    Oldest difficult child's reserved. She is like the old me. Before the difficult child's son's addictions almost destroyed our family. I used to be very rigid, controlling, perfectionist, opinionated...and probably even somewhat judgemental before all of the necessary life changes over the past 10 yrs. Oldest difficult child is actually Proud of the person I used to be...I wish he could realize how extreme I was and how damaging that likely was too for our family. But all he sees is the "ideal"...the reality may hit him when his little girl's become teenagers, I don't know. But he cannot sheild them forever from the world around them. At some point they will encounter conflicting ideas I believe. And then, Heaven help Oldest difficult child and his wife with their heavy handed convictions.

    We do see husband's family on occasion...mostly for easy child's bowling tournaments out of state during the summer months. husband has one sister that he does not particularly like and a brother that is in jail.
    husband and his father are close now and his grandmother lives in Philly and we don't see her often.

    I sure hope you're right about young difficult child. He actually is the most "genuine" of the two when it comes to speaking from the heart. Oldest difficult child you never could tell for sure what he was up to or wanted next but with young difficult child what you see is what you get most of the time. He really means what he says when he says something alterior motives involved.
    I wish his "good heart" could surface into a sober, hard working, good loving, family man.
    We shall see.

  8. Star*

    Star* call 911

    HEy T!!!!!

    Merry Christmas!

    So you're finally and empty nester! Congratulations! Sorry to hear about the holiday drama but it never ceases to amaze me how resilient the difficult child mind believes their chances at evading the inevitable is. Maybe this time? Huh? UGH.

    Glad to hear your superstar is coming home for Christmas. And FIVE grandbabys? WOW granny! lol (snort) I guess our little man isn't so little any more then. Lord I'm old. haha.

    Oddly enough I thought about her the other day - we had someone donate 20 bowling balls, bags and stuff - and it just made my mind go right to her and her sport. WIshing I had someone here that liked it as much as I used to - but one. It was such a stress reliever for me back in the day.

    Well then - MERRY CHRISTMAS - and enjoy your peace and quiet - sounds like you wont have it long with 2 little ones on the way.

    Hugs & Love
  9. Fran

    Fran Former desparate mom

    LMS, sorry that young difficult child is in jail. It's the last place we want to see our kids. Even the hospital is a better environment. I hope he is safe and reflecting on his consequences.
    5 grandchildren?!? Congratulations, I think. I hope they realize how difficult it is to raise a healthy productive child.
    Give your easy child my best regards. I hope she comes home to the parents who love her. How is she doing in school? Too sad for difficult child 1. His loss to not seeing his sister.
    Hugs and enjoy the grands.
  10. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It


    I know it will be hard to have him in jail for the holidays. You are right about it having to hurt bad enough for him to make changes. I truly hope that this time it will hurt bad enough. NOT that I want you or him to hurt, but I so want a healthy, happy life for him.

    I am sorry that oldest and his wife have so little tolerance that they would not see you if you have your daughter in your home. They are losing out on a LOT. Your daughter is a delightful person and they are sure missing out by cutting her out of their lives. I hoep that someday they can see a more inclusive way to love.

    2 more grandbabies, WOW! That is a lot of blessings to have!
  11. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    I was thinking about #1 and it dawned on me that maybe he needs the structure of a black and white world in order to function within society. Obviously his decision making skills have been skewed for well over a decade, so perhaps he's decided he can't live in the grey areas. There are alot of people (often very judgemental) who find comfort in not veering in thought or action from the right/wrong guidelines of society. If this is the case...I guess it may be a blessing in disguise. DDD
  12. lovemysons

    lovemysons Well-Known Member

    Hi Star...Thank you SO MUCH for the Merry Christmas greetings. I wish you, DF, and Dude a very special Merry Christmas too.
    20 Bowling balls? Yep, that sounds like a donation we need to make at some point. There's one for every lane condition, oil pattern, hand condition, etc etc etc. lol
    Hugs and Love.

    Fran...I know. The hospital would be a better environment. Over the past several yrs difficult child HAS been hospitalised for depression, suicidal threats, activity. But the only thing he will tell them is that he is depressed and has anxiety...not at all the whole story. I just know in my heart that he has Bipolar Disorder like me as well as being an addict/alcoholic. Until he gets treated for one or the other or both I don't see much forward movement in his life.
    I have barely seen easy child, she did come home this weekend instead of going to Colorado. However, she has been spending time with her girlfriend at girlfriend's (adoptive) grandparents home.
    I will certainly let her know you were thinking about her and sending good thoughts out for her as I know you must remember meeting her when she was still a little girl when you took us out to lunch at Chilis many many years ago. She has really grown into a beautiful young lady.

    Hi Susie, Always great to see you!
    You are so right about oldest difficult child missing out on the relationship with his little sister now. It is sad cause they were so close when they were little. easy child adored Oldest difficult child and He of course, adored being adored, lol.
    Today my plan is to get mailing info for the Jail that young difficult child is in. I did find out for sure that he was sent to Amarillo. I really would like to get a letter off in the mail to him before Christmas.
    Sus, I hope you and your family have a very Merry Christmas.
    Love and hugs.

  13. lovemysons

    lovemysons Well-Known Member

    DDD, I hope you are right that it may be a blessing in disguise about oldest difficult child.
    husband and I would just like him to be able to live his life with more moderate views. I know from first hand experience that being so "extreme" can lead to lonliness and isolation. But he is supported apparently by the church he and his wife now attend. So, I guess he doesn't feel alone in his views at the moment.
    I just see this situation backfiring someday for him. He wants his daughters to go Private Christian Schools, monitor everything, give them the very very best, not let them cry for anything, etc.
    And I wonder how he will handle things if his own little girls seek out an alternative lifestyle etc when they are older. I so hope that he will not take it personally if they do. Cause that is what happend to me. I felt like my boys were deliberately destroying my "perfect world". I couldn't understand how, with so much forethought, they could end up being addicts and terribly mischievious etc. Hadn't we tried to do all the right things? Hadn't we tried to protect them sheild them from all the bad in the world? Hadn't we given them "the best" that life has to offer...and THIS is how the repay us?
    Now, I'm not saying this attitude I had was right at all. I know now that this is about a family disease and was never a personal attack by my sons. But it took a WHOLE LOT of Al Anon therapy for me to finally realize this.
    So anyway, I just hope it will work out for them, we shall see.

  14. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    My friend you are putting the cart before the horse. Enjoy that he is safe, drug free, feeling worthwhile and no longer thinking criminal thoughts! That's alot to be thankful for this year. There are so darn many things that pop up with adult kids that are unexpected. with-o exaggeration I truly believed that all my children would remain close to us and our hearts. Having my easy child son opt to live an isolated life that barely includes us has truly been a hard pill to swallow. He and I have always had a special connection, like thinking, similar humor, parallel values etc. etc. etc. He is still a fine man but he and his wife live a life that basically excludes husband and me. Who would have thunk??

    It's been difficult (taken years, in fact) but I really am thankful that he is comfortable with his life. Even easy child's can choose different paths and so long as they are alive and content with their choices it's best to be thankful. Yeah, I know it is hard. Sigh. Your difficult child's children may follow the lead that is set for them and end up clones of the parents. As you know, and we all know here in the family, you'll only know when the time comes. Meanwhile be grateful that he is not in crisis. Many hugs. DDD
  15. lovemysons

    lovemysons Well-Known Member

    Well DDD, I certainly wouldn't have "thunk" it! I can't imagine being your child and not being really close to you as you are such a wonderful person and friend here in our "Board Community".
    That would really hurt me too and yet I hear you on the being Thankful part.
    Oldest difficult child was such a wildly loose cannon once upon a time as I'm sure you remember.
    He is settling down now. He is sober. He loves his little girl. And, he has convictions.
    None of these are bad things for a guy who was looking at the possibility of doing 20 yrs in prison just 3/4 yrs ago after spending a yr and half in prison for stealing over 10k in computer equip from husband's client Let alone the fact that he is also a former Meth addict.

    So you're right...I shouldn't look for trouble ahead. I should just enjoy the gifts that are in the "present". smile.

    Thanks for the reminder.
    Hugs and Merry Christmas to you, husband, and easy child/difficult child.
  16. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    Back to ya, LMS! Hugs DDD (PS: easy child loves me, daughter in law doesn't. Oh, well!)
  17. lovemysons

    lovemysons Well-Known Member

    Ya, same thing here. I know my oldest difficult child loves me but his new wife does not, sigh.
    I mean she's never rude to me...but she doesn't open up easily, she's not a very relaxed person.

    Well yesterday I did get mailing info for young difficult child.
    I talked to young difficult child's wife and she told me that one of young difficult child's buddy's had called her this past weekend and wanted to buy christmas gifts: toys/clothes/etc for the grandbabies on young difficult child's behalf. daughter in law told him not to worry that the grands were getting plenty and to just maybe put money on young difficult child's commisary books.
    So I texted young difficult child's buddy and gave him the address info. Also gave my mom and of course daughter in law the info.

    Today I am going to sit down and write young difficult child a letter that he will hopefully get by Christmas.
    I know he must be very lonely, however, my daughter in law told me that Amarillo was expecting a snow storm yesterday and we both laughed at how young difficult child must surely be asking the guards all about weather conditions etc. He has had a huge fascination with the weather since he was around 9/10 yrs old. Yes, he would wake up and turn on the weather channel before cartoons, anyday!
    Ironically, He and wife had been storm chasing when he got the Felony at the hospital for spitting at a police officer in Amarillo. The "storm" was why they were in that part of Tx to begin with.