Your house/your rules -How to stop 17 yo from using pot in house?

[Stepmomma19]

I'm so sorry that you are having to deal with this. I am also new on this as of today and am looking for the exact same advice as you but for a 19 year old boy(stepson).
It really makes me angry how teenagers can have no respect what so ever now a days. I know if I were to even smell like pot growing up my parents would hog tie my ass! Then again I have never disrespected my parents like that. I don't understand why they just think smoking pot anywhere is okay now!
I wanted to tell you what we did with our son. We didn't tell him that he could not smoke pot for he is 19 and really there is nothing we can do about it.
-we did discontinue any and all money that we were giving him for gas and little things
-He is not willing to look for a job because he "can't find one that doesn't drug test" so since he's in his room all day everyday play his Xbox I changed the WiFi password
- I also took his Xbox and TV and but them locked up in the trunk of my car. They were both Christmas presents 2 years ago, but like I told him I will not pay for him to get high everyday and play Xbox on my dime
-Then our house kept smelling like marijuana after he was warned we do not smoke anything in my house so while he was out with friends me and his father took his bedroom door off. When he got home he cursed us out and said he was going to move in with his mother. We told him that he did all this to himself.
-We have now warned him that if he doesn't straighten his act up and get a job (we told him we would pay for tuition to become a teacher if he had a steady job for 8 months) then we would be taking his car keys for the truck we had bought him for his birthday last year.
- We also explained to him that under the age of 21 you are not legally aloud to smoke or carry marijuana even in your parents house and if it came to it we would call the authorities on him. (This was more just a huge scare tactic I pray it would never come to that) but now he knows that we always have that option.

All of this has happened in the last month so it's been extremely tough and stressful in my household but it seems like it's working. Yesterday he asked for help with his resume and cleaned his room and bathroom with out us making him.
I'm not sure if any of these suggestions help. They might sound a little harsh but we wanted to smack this disrespectfulness out of him before he took it to much more extremes. I hope this helps.

 

[susiestar]

Stepmomma, You would probably get more help if you started a new thread of your own. More people would see it and respond. If your son is regularly using pot, please take his car keys. He is likely using a deadly weapon while intoxicated and this is incredibly dangerous. Using a vehicle while intoxicated will get him and others killed. He can walk to wherever he needs to go (even a few miles walking won't hurt him!) or he can ride a bicycle. Those won't get some poor innocent other person killed.

You are doing the right things to get him to make changes. Just don't give back his privileges until you see real changes. Also know that at 19 he is a legal adult and you can evict him. You may have to do it legally, through the court, but if he chooses to not straighten up, it is an option.

Percy, it really seems that your son is getting scared. He sees he is losing control over you as you are more calm as you confront him. That is why he is going on these tirades and decompensating. He just doesn't know what to do and he isn't getting what he wants. I think he may realize on some level that you are about done putting up with this and he will be old enough to evict very soon and then what will he do?

I hope you do evict him at 18. Please give him notice when he is 30 days short of 18 that he cannot stay in your home past his 18th birthday. His verbal abuse is just going to get worse and it IS impacting the other children because it is impacting You and Mr. Percy. Having their parents be so tense and upset is a big deal to kids. Kids miss NOTHING. Absolutely nothing gets past them and they KNOW that you and Mr. P are really upset and that their brother is making really bad choices and you cannot stop him. If you allow him to stay past the point that you legally have to, then you are sending a really mixed message that is bad.

I grew up with a brother with a serious case of ODD. ANY discussion between my father and brother, over almost any topic, would generally end up in a fight. It did not matter if my brother didn't know a single fact, if he was arguing that the sky was green and the grass was purple, he would argue it simply because it was the opposite of what my dad was saying. My dad would try to walk away or change the subject and my brother would follow him. Your younger kids are not likely to tell you the entire extent of how this is impacting them until after brother is out of the home for a while. This is partly because they remember the good times and would feel guilty and disloyal for saying bad things, and partly because they don't fully realize how the stress is affecting them.

You are doing a great job by being calm in the face of his outbursts. That is exactly the right way to handle him. If you yell back at him, it doesn't do anything except add fuel to the fire. By staying calm and simply stating what you expect, what IS, you are doing exactly what he does not want - you are IN CONTROL, he is NOT.

I am sorry you have to continue to handle this for a couple more months. I hope that in time he will see the impact his pot use is having on his life. I had a friend who almost destroyed her life with pot. It wrecked friendships, a good job that she really liked, and she even ended up moving after she trashed 3 apartments and no one in our entire town would rent to her after that. It took a few years, but she came around, saw that it really had caused her to act in ways she would not have acted, she apologized, made serious amends, rebuilt her life and now is married with 2 beautiful daughters and a wonderful life. But back when her life was imploding? Lots of us wondered what her future would hold. And she did a few other drugs once or twice, but mostly only smoked pot.

 

[RN0441]

I'm so sorry that you are having to deal with this. I am also new on this as of today and am looking for the exact same advice as you but for a 19 year old boy(stepson).
It really makes me angry how teenagers can have no respect what so ever now a days. I know if I were to even smell like pot growing up my parents would hog tie my ass! Then again I have never disrespected my parents like that. I don't understand why they just think smoking pot anywhere is okay now!
I wanted to tell you what we did with our son. We didn't tell him that he could not smoke pot for he is 19 and really there is nothing we can do about it.
-we did discontinue any and all money that we were giving him for gas and little things
-He is not willing to look for a job because he "can't find one that doesn't drug test" so since he's in his room all day everyday play his Xbox I changed the WiFi password
- I also took his Xbox and TV and but them locked up in the trunk of my car. They were both Christmas presents 2 years ago, but like I told him I will not pay for him to get high everyday and play Xbox on my dime
-Then our house kept smelling like marijuana after he was warned we do not smoke anything in my house so while he was out with friends me and his father took his bedroom door off. When he got home he cursed us out and said he was going to move in with his mother. We told him that he did all this to himself.
-We have now warned him that if he doesn't straighten his act up and get a job (we told him we would pay for tuition to become a teacher if he had a steady job for 8 months) then we would be taking his car keys for the truck we had bought him for his birthday last year.
- We also explained to him that under the age of 21 you are not legally aloud to smoke or carry marijuana even in your parents house and if it came to it we would call the authorities on him. (This was more just a huge scare tactic I pray it would never come to that) but now he knows that we always have that option.

All of this has happened in the last month so it's been extremely tough and stressful in my household but it seems like it's working. Yesterday he asked for help with his resume and cleaned his room and bathroom with out us making him.
I'm not sure if any of these suggestions help. They might sound a little harsh but we wanted to smack this disrespectfulness out of him before he took it to much more extremes. I hope this helps.

You are so lucky that he is turning this around. We tried all of this with our son many times. He'd comply for a short time and stay sober and we'd breathe again but then he'd go back to his old ways after a few months. Did not work at all but then he had moved onto stronger drugs - with marijuana being a gateway for him. Then he blamed his drug use on the fact that he "wasn't doing the things that other people his age were doing"! Duh, that was because of HIS choices, not us. I all but begged him to follow the rules and we gave him many chances.

Glad for you!

 

[missangelk]

Sometimes there are loopholes around the abandonment. I have my minor daughter out of my home. If they choose to not follow the rules, they choose to not be at home.

I told my daughter that she could absolutely live at home, if she agreed to my expectations. She refused. Child Services agreed that my child was choosing to not live at home because she wasn't respecting my wishes.

Maybe you can call a local child services line and ask them?

 

[Kammie123]

I'm new here, and appreciate the advice and support I have already received just by reading other threads. One issue that comes up often, is the "your house, your rules" -- which I wholeheartedly believe in. But I am stymied by how to stop my 17yo ODD son from having/using/smoking/consuming weed in my house. (Background: son dropped out of High School Oct. of this year, senior year, got GED 2 weeks later. Works 25-30 hrs week. Hangs with pot smoking, drinking friends, follows no house rules, no curfew, stays out all night etc. Has shoplifted and been caught several times; courts confrontations with authority, police. Has had probably 10 negative interactions with police that have come to our attention, but only 3 arrests. Is on juvenile probation. Smart kid, no mental health issues per the limited professionals who have worked with him (he will not participate in counseling any more, will not participate in drug counselling) )

He smokes pot in our home, contrary to our stated, clear, consistent rules. We seemingly have no privileges left to take away. We don't let him drive; we don't give allowance or any money. He has room and board, place to shower and do laundry. 18 is age of majority where we live in northeast US. I can't kick him out (in fact, in my state I can't even kick him out when he is 18, I have to legally evict him...). We have communicated why we don't want drugs in our home (we have 4 younger kids, it is against our values, it is not legal here, we have jobs that include a clearance/requirement to follow the law aspect, and we simply do not want that environment in our home)

We have said we can't control what he does out in the world, but our boundary is that in our house he can't possess or use drugs or alcohol, or have drug paraphernalia. He defies us daily - smokes in the bathroom with shower running; vapes in room; keeps bongs in room, orders bong online and has sent to our home; has empty Rx weed bottles lined up on dresser; has pot in baggies, grinders etc. When I search his room and find things, I take them and tell him that I have confiscated and destroyed/flushed, bc as he knows he may not have it here. But he keeps doing it. I can't handcuff myself to him or lock him in a room.

***What can I do to make this stop and enforce my boundary of no drugs/no drug use in my home?*** I feel like I am being held hostage in my own life...

Percy, I am new here and I will tell you this. As he gets closer to the age of 18 I would begin to see what the cost associated with filing evictions are, begin preceding with the eviction be formal about it. Give him a 30 day notice to vacate 2 or 3 months before his 18th birthday continue with the eviction even if he straightens up a little. He knows you can't put him out that is why he continues the behavior. On his 18th birthday he should have been to court and everything. Its a hard thing to do because its your kid, but it will show him who is boss and you won't be so miserable in your own home. Good luck.

 

[Kammie123]

Percy. When we arrive at this site, we are defeated. What else would bring a parent to ask the internet what to do? That is the club to which we belong. It is not your job to stop him. This is not your problem. It is his.
This infuriates me. How dare he? What he thinks is the least important thing. Unimportant, actually.

Somehow he has gotten the idea that he is powerful, and more powerful than you. He is acting from this space. This is the problem.

There are options. RN asked the central question. What do you think you should do?

All of our ideas and thoughts mean nothing, as the only people who matter are you and your husband.

What about a wilderness program? What about sending him to a gap year program abroad? What about foster care? You may be obligated to support him for a few months more but it is not stipulated how and where.

But you are searching for a specific result, that is different from what each of us conceives, may have wanted for ourselves...each of us has specific capacities and needs.
My state too.

I mean, you can give in, if you want. If this is what you feel makes sense. If you feel that the consequences to you and your other children, are not serious, this is an option, if you feel it makes sense.

I have thought about it. But as I said I have no minor children and no necessity in terms of my profession to maintain the law. Only to observe it myself, as far as I know.
What is this?
You are talking about the at-home drug tests, here.

Still, I see this as a huge problem. The elephant in the room. That he has defeated his parents, and feels omnipotent. We have responsibilities to our difficult children, too. How is this good for him? The sense that he by his force of will, can defeat anybody, especially his parents?

I think RN asked the pivotal questions. What do you think will work? What do you want to do?

I told my daughter after becoming fed up. the first time going forward you're out of the house 24 hrs the second time you're out 1 week the 3rd time you are out permanently. And I stopped her friends from visiting for about 6 months never told her she couldn't see them just not at my house. I told her this is my house and you will not take my peace I work hard to provide for you and give you a decent place to live and what you will not do is make me feel trapped with no options in my own home.