This is why this stuff is so very hard. You want to establish "ground rules" and then stick to them, but when you love someone so very much, and are so scared for them, and you understand or think you understand their limitations and our system...on and on with all of the variables...so many variables...always trying to figure out the right thing to do...it is endless and exhausting and debilitating for us.
Every situation is different. We work hard here on this site to always remember that. Only the person closest to the situation can decide what to do. We can't decide for other people. That would be wrong and also thinking we know best for another person---the very behavior we are trying so hard to stop with our DCs. Isn't it all so circular and ironic?
For me, it took 10 years of trying everything under the shining sun before I was ready to work for my own change. From the time Difficult Child was in 7th grade, he was a challenge. Well, no, he had colic when he was born, so it actually started then! : ) Anyway, he started minor misbehavior in 7th grade and I was at the school for a variety of things---something unheard of! Who knows what was really going on? Looking back, he was doing a lot of lying to me at the very least. I think he started sneaking beers in middle school and then more in h.s. but he kept it between the lines because of soccer. When he graduated from h.s. things took a rapid nose dive. And went down down down for the next 6 years. He will be 27 July 27 and we have had steady progress for 2 years.
Just like my failing marriage, I was not ready to do anything different until I was completely and totally debilitated from trying to manage, fix, control. I had turned over every rock I could think of and most rocks multiple times, trying to make things better. I'll tell you nothing in either situation (alcoholism and drug addiction for ex-husband/son) worked. Nothing. The disease is so much bigger than our best efforts.
I believe my ex-husband has anxiety and depression and so does my Difficult Child. I don't know how to measure how severe those conditions are, but both people can function highly without medications. So I would say it's mild. But I'm not a doctor and I don't live in their skins. I don't think there are other diagnoses with either one of them. I know that is very different from many who post here with multiple dxes.
He turned 26 and my insurance on him ended. I want to fix it. Or go get it for him. Grrrrrrr. It just never ends...... My heart aches
My son was able to go to the ER here and get treatment and to a clinic to get medications for free. There were times when I paid for some medications for him. I paid directly to the place, no cash handed to him. For me, medications and food were things I was willing to do, even when things were the very worst, but I learned not to hand him any cash at all.
Understanding, acceptance, and then positive expectations and beliefs coupled with strong boundaries really is what anyone needs, no matter what IQ.
Yes, I believe that's true too. Accepting whatever "it is" is so hard when we want and believe so much more for our DCs. Creating boundaries in any and every relationship, starting with spouses and extending to every family member and friend is the best thing I have ever learned...for me and for them. Otherwise, I'm up in their business thinking I know best. I'm taking on other people's problems and focusing on those instead of my "own little knitting" as my mother would say. I am so much more humble now about that. As I needed to be. That is the fruit of boundary work---but the real tasty fruit is the peace, contentment and joy that comes with getting out of other people's way and their business and respecting them for their own choices.
