23 year old son - I kicked him out when he was 18

Sea66

Member
He told my mother not to tell me that he has a guy staying there with him. My mom asked why this guy doesn't split the rent and he said he doesn't have a job and lives in a tent. That he would probably go live with him in the tent if he can't get anything else, but that he doesn't know how he would shower and get ready for work everyday.

I was supposed to go and pick up the rest of his stuff today, but at this point I can't handle it. I don't even want to answer the phone
 

Sea66

Member
Ok, I'm having a total brain fog, can't figure out how to use this site. Can't figure out how to do anything right now.
Everyone has said such great things, I really appreciate it. You can act strong on the suface, but on the inside I'm frightened to death.
I think I'm at where child of mine said: I have to stop, just completely stop. I can't answer the phone or anything right now.
It's 110 degrees here. Ugh! Someone put me into a coma until this is over!
 

Childofmine

one day at a time
Hi Sea66, hang in there. This is where it gets really hard. When we limit what we will do, and they push and push and push and ramp up the drama.

Just a reminder: People can do whatever they have to do.

My son would get up off of a bench and walk to work at 4 a.m. No shower, no toothbrush, no car, no bike, no clean clothes, no nothing. He did it for months.

I honestly thought you had to get a place to live before you could get a job, but once again, he did it HIS WAY. I just waited and watched and was amazed and grateful and disbelieving.

Don't react to the drama. There is almost nothing that is an emergency. I learned that the hard way too. Even if they are bleeding and away from us, someone else will call 911. That happened with my son too.

Anyway...I so understand. Take care of YOU. I promise you, he will figure this out, if you let him. It may not be any method we can understand, but it will be his method. And that is what has to happen for him to take charge of his own life.
 

Sea66

Member
Thanks COM, your words give me hope.
I just can't stand that every news thing I see, every siren I hear, every tall blonde kid walking down the street... my adrenalin starts pumping. BREATH!
I don't want to answer the phone, but I want to make sure he's ok.
He just sent a text asking what was going on, if I was coming today to pick up his stuff. I can't answer. He won't have a phone soon I'm sure.
 

Alaska

New Member
I Don't answer. I had to block my sons number and the other son calls from the shelter and I ignore it. He has not called since 6 Jun. I grieve everyday for my lost boys but if I give in and check on them they will start dragging me back in to the crazy. I miss them. They were such cute little boys. Thanks everyone for being here it really does help to have others that understand.
 

Sea66

Member
I Don't answer. I had to block my sons number and the other son calls from the shelter and I ignore it. He has not called since 6 Jun. I grieve everyday for my lost boys but if I give in and check on them they will start dragging me back in to the crazy. I miss them. They were such cute little boys. Thanks everyone for being here it really does help to have others that understand.[/QUOTE
New Member
New
Ugh Alaska, I feel you.
You stay strong too. I could throw up. Weird though, I cleaned the entire house, yard work too. :/


Read more: http://www.conductdisorders.com/com...out-when-he-was-18.62501/page-3#ixzz4E2h4Tfn4
 

Alaska

New Member
My 26 year old homeless son called. He had to go to the ER and they gave him medications for an infection in his arm. He can get the script filled cause insurance is gone but he does not realize that. He turned 26 and my insurance on him ended. I want to fix it. Or go get it for him. Grrrrrrr. It just never ends...... My heart aches
 

savior no more

Active Member
It's very difficult when you really don't know what they are capable of doing due to limitations.

I agree with you there. I think if anything my willingness to seek help and understand his disability has at times allowed me to give him a pass when others could have gotten more out of him. I'm a permissive, open-spiritual parent and probably the worst type that could have been given to him. Such is the world of hindsight. I've always viewed him through the lens of "impaired" and perhaps that is one area I can work on in changing my perception. But I do have to acknowlege the deficits in order to begin to understand why he can't just "learn" like other kids. Understanding, acceptance, and then positive expectations and beliefs coupled with strong boundaries really is what anyone needs, no matter what IQ.
 

Childofmine

one day at a time
This is why this stuff is so very hard. You want to establish "ground rules" and then stick to them, but when you love someone so very much, and are so scared for them, and you understand or think you understand their limitations and our system...on and on with all of the variables...so many variables...always trying to figure out the right thing to do...it is endless and exhausting and debilitating for us.

Every situation is different. We work hard here on this site to always remember that. Only the person closest to the situation can decide what to do. We can't decide for other people. That would be wrong and also thinking we know best for another person---the very behavior we are trying so hard to stop with our DCs. Isn't it all so circular and ironic?

For me, it took 10 years of trying everything under the shining sun before I was ready to work for my own change. From the time Difficult Child was in 7th grade, he was a challenge. Well, no, he had colic when he was born, so it actually started then! : ) Anyway, he started minor misbehavior in 7th grade and I was at the school for a variety of things---something unheard of! Who knows what was really going on? Looking back, he was doing a lot of lying to me at the very least. I think he started sneaking beers in middle school and then more in h.s. but he kept it between the lines because of soccer. When he graduated from h.s. things took a rapid nose dive. And went down down down for the next 6 years. He will be 27 July 27 and we have had steady progress for 2 years.

Just like my failing marriage, I was not ready to do anything different until I was completely and totally debilitated from trying to manage, fix, control. I had turned over every rock I could think of and most rocks multiple times, trying to make things better. I'll tell you nothing in either situation (alcoholism and drug addiction for ex-husband/son) worked. Nothing. The disease is so much bigger than our best efforts.

I believe my ex-husband has anxiety and depression and so does my Difficult Child. I don't know how to measure how severe those conditions are, but both people can function highly without medications. So I would say it's mild. But I'm not a doctor and I don't live in their skins. I don't think there are other diagnoses with either one of them. I know that is very different from many who post here with multiple dxes.


He turned 26 and my insurance on him ended. I want to fix it. Or go get it for him. Grrrrrrr. It just never ends...... My heart aches

My son was able to go to the ER here and get treatment and to a clinic to get medications for free. There were times when I paid for some medications for him. I paid directly to the place, no cash handed to him. For me, medications and food were things I was willing to do, even when things were the very worst, but I learned not to hand him any cash at all.


Understanding, acceptance, and then positive expectations and beliefs coupled with strong boundaries really is what anyone needs, no matter what IQ.

Yes, I believe that's true too. Accepting whatever "it is" is so hard when we want and believe so much more for our DCs. Creating boundaries in any and every relationship, starting with spouses and extending to every family member and friend is the best thing I have ever learned...for me and for them. Otherwise, I'm up in their business thinking I know best. I'm taking on other people's problems and focusing on those instead of my "own little knitting" as my mother would say. I am so much more humble now about that. As I needed to be. That is the fruit of boundary work---but the real tasty fruit is the peace, contentment and joy that comes with getting out of other people's way and their business and respecting them for their own choices.
 

Sea66

Member
So, I went to the endocrinologist today. I'm going hyper again. She believes it has to do with years of grief. My body is stuck there.
This is the higher power telling me that I have to stop.
 

Sea66

Member
The latest weirdness :
My son was standing on the corner of a college town with a friend when an older man (drunk) approached them. He told them how his wife had just passed away and his son had just moved out and he needed someone to talk to. He invited my son for a drink. My son told his story and this guy invited him to stay at his apartment. Told him he would have his own room and to pay $350 at the end of the month.
I did the lecture that all of you would do, it included Jeffrey Damer and roofies.
My son insists that he's safe. He moved all of his stuff there yesterday and when the guy came home he took him grocery shopping and job hunting, my son found a job for $14 per hour, 40 hours per week.
If this guy has no ill intent, then he must be an angel. Or he's going to get sick of it really quick. Very strange. I want to meet him and take a picture of his ID. He shouldn't have a problem with that if he really is a nice guy.
 

BloodiedButUnbowed

Well-Known Member
Hi there,

Sorry you are going through all of this. My 15 year old stepson is also 6'5" and threatening. I know firsthand the terror that accompanies anyone trying to deal with a mentally ill, unstable man-boy of this size.

If I may, and please forgive me if this is either presumptious or breaks house rules here, please consider visiting a meeting of AL-Anon and/or Codependents Anonymous. Meeting lists can be located online. You will meet others dealing with similar issues who are learning how to keep themselves sane, stable, and even happy in the midst of the chaos and insanity caused by our loved ones.

You are overly focused on him and not focused enough on yourself. Your son is an adult and all of the hand-wringing, worrying and wheedling will not change him one little bit, as you have already learned.

As hard as it is, he is choosing his demons and you will have to decide whether or not he can be part of your life in this condition.

Hopefully he will eventually stabilize and improve.

Remember that this isn't forever.
 

BusynMember

Well-Known Member
in my opinion you need to let it go. Your son is not a little boy and needs to mske his own decisions. the story your son told you may be true, may not be true. When my oldest son left at my insistence, he mostly lived in motels. But for a while a young man took him in, not charging him anything, snd buying him things. it turned out the man was gay and my son moved out on his own. He had to go back to his seedy motels. I almost forgot about this until you posted your story. It lasted a few months.

It never crossed my mind to go there and demand IDs. My son was over 18 and not fodder for a pedophile. Your son isn't either. The man could be taken back by a mother showing up and refuse to show you anything. That doesn't mean he is a bad guy. The man did nothing wrong. Your son is legally a man. When we make them leave they couch surf and find people to take them in. We signed up for this. We cant both say you are an adult and you can't live with us, but we are going to vet who you live with if somebody offers a roof. Legally you have nothing to stand on. Even if he is a felon, you can't do anything. Other than create more drama and he probably is just happy to be off the streets right now.

The man is possibly just lonely and he IS charging rent.

Meanwhile you are making your illness worse by trying to continue fixing your son even though he is legally an adult and you cant live with him at home. You will kill yourself at this rate. There is nothing you can do for your son anymore, including controlling his life as a homeless person.

What you can do is go for therapy yourself and learn how to cope with this difficult situation. Not trying to be morbid, but you cant be there for ANYONE if you get very ill or die. Let him go, and if you have a higher power, God, the universe, angels...hand your son to their care. If you believe in anything and do thus, I have found it comforting.

I believe you have other close loved ones. They need you too. And you need to be kind to yourself. Continue to love your son...detach from his daily life to life issues. Let him learn like we all learned...without Mom trying to control us as adults. Occupational Therapist (OT) is best for us to step back and let them figure it out...or not. We can not micro manage their lives...they wont listen to us anyway. No matter how much we try to tell them what we feel is best. p

Hopefully he will soon find a better way.

Hugs for your hurting heart.
 
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Sea66

Member
My son called yesterday, he tells me that the new guy he's living with is really weird, that he misses his wife so much, he walks around the house in women's underwear. And when he gets really drunk he makes passes at my son. As I'm talking to him my boyfriend in the background starts singing, "look'n for love in all the wrong places", we all started laughing non stop and singing it together. Life is weird, gotta keep a sense of humor to get through!
 
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