23 year old son - I kicked him out when he was 18

[so ready to live]

Hi Sea. What a wild ride.

Haven't heard from him since. Girlfriend still in jail. I have a feeling they may keep her a while, which means that I will have to be unavailable. In hiding.

...ah the hiding-we know it too well. Every time we drive over the hill where our house is in sight, I breathe a big sigh of relief when his car isn't there.

I always daily feel comforted and encouraged and calmed down by the wisdom and reminders I read on the threads here.

So true and so strange but knowing you all are "in this" is comforting.

I have had to come to some sort of personal peace due to his intellectual disabilities

SNM-we have not come to this yet. It's very difficult when you really don't know what they are capable of doing due to limitations. Our son is Fetal Alcohol Effects (FAE) but he knows right from wrong and that is also a spectrum type, some severely impaired, others not so. I have heard at times people say "oh he has fetal alcohol, he can't learn from consequences". No one fits in a box like that.
Sea-if it's the calm before the storm-feed your spirit, buckle down and hang on. We are here with you. You got this. Prayers.

 

[BusynMember]

Look, my daughter used drugs for six years and I believed it was only pot. I didnt know that serious drug use, depending on the drug, csn be hidden. I've been here a long time and your son sounds to me like he is using drugs NOW. Selling plasma????

I only say this becsuse if he us using, and they can hide it, and if you give him anything worth anything he will sell it for cash/drugs. Seling plasma and even the anemia at his young age and him a male...it is not right. Something is off.

Ok, so I felt better warning you because so many people through the years keep helping a drug addict with rewards and money only to find out thst their hard earned money was used to enable a drug user pay his drug dealer(s). Then they sadly post a week later that their child is actually back on drugs. I know the signs pretty well, if only from being here fifteen years and what my now clean daughter has shared with me.

I could be wrong. Just wanted to say it so you can decide if you want to give any money or not. I wish you luck and hope I am wrong.

 

[Sea66]

He's trying to make his $220 a week rent.
I have a vitamin deficiency, I'm not doing drugs. Maybe I'm being oblivious, but I've been doing this for a long time as well. Like I said, I've seen him high, he's better than he was a while back. Or hiding it better. Even if he is, what can I do about it? He's apparently an adult. He already knows I won't give him any money.

 

[so ready to live]

Hi Sea.

Even if he is, what can I do about it? He's apparently an adult. He already knows I won't give him any money.

This is the crux of it. You are so right.
Somehow I know that the wanting to know the whys and hows of it all is simply one more way for me to try and control my world. I've finally realized that it doesn't matter, from where we as parents stand, what we know about the roots of the behavior. If there's lying, stealing, disrespect, abuse, entitlement, problems with the law...then whatever the root, be it drugs, mental illness or simply laziness makes no difference in our response. Detach. Save yourself. It's the behavior we are unable to deal with any longer. Maybe it gives us pseudo answers to say "drugs caused this" and possibly that gives us hope for a future sober time. Sometimes that is all we have to hang onto. BUT, in the beginning, minute by minute, we can only take one step. Slowly. You're doing a good job. The whys don't matter. There's time down the road to reflect on that if you want to go there. Today, just breathe. Prayers.

 

[Sea66]

Yes, agree. But it's just so very sad. I want to share things with him, do things with him, I can't.

 

[so ready to live]

Sea--I get it. When I came to the end of my rope, after some therapy, that's how I pinpointed it. I was just so profoundly sad at the way our son was living his life and how that affected our relationship. I don't think he felt the same. He was sad because his life "stunk" and I was sad because his life "stunk". I had never noticed that my life was stinking too and it was the only thing I could fix. Each day the sadness lifted just a little as we gained a bit of control. Is it gone-NO. I'll always grieve a bit for what we've lost but we go forward with our lives continuing to hope and pray that he will find his way. There is light at the end of the tunnel. Prayers.

 

[Albatross]

Ready, thank you for that. I think that is where I aspire to be emotionally.

 

[Sea66]

I agree. I think my illness is making me see all that. His misery is making me miserable.
I have control over my life just like he should have control over his.

 

[New Leaf]

Hi Sea66, welcome to the forum, I am so sorry for your need to be here. You have been through so much, we all have. These Difficult Child's are the ever ready bunnies of drama and chaos, they just keep on going and going, a never ending onslaught of ridiculousness. All the while disdaining the somewhat "normal" life we are trying to eek out for ourselves. They skirt the conventional system, but who do they come to for the myriad of emergencies they find themselves in? Us. It becomes this bizarre dance, with the only choice being that someone has to put a stop to the insanity of it. Again, us.
You sound strong and tired of it, me too. Health issues, yup, years of this stress wear the strongest person down. I don't like carnival rides and this is one of epic proportions. I didn't buy a ticket for it, and am working hard to stay off the darn roller coaster.
Goodness, Sea, you have been dealing with this for a long, long time. Me too.
My dear husband had health issues and recently passed, none of which put a stop to the insanity. I found myself slipping from grieving over the lifestyle choices of my two d cs, to grieving the loss of my mate.
It has made me more determined to distance myself emotionally from the chaos, and demand peace in my home. Life is too short to be constantly plagued with the consequences reaped by the seeds my two sow. I am at the place where Com is, I need to just stop.
Here you will find lots of support along with experiences and stories of the struggles we have faced. Most of all know that there is no judgement, we all have to walk this path at our own pace and make decisions we are comfortable with, sometimes uncomfortable with.
Please know that you are not alone, though everyone's situation is a bit different, the common denominator is that we are all trying to make some sense out of our lives and find peace despite what is happening with our d cs.
(((Hugs)))
Leafy

 

[Sea66]

He's being kicked out of his apartment, wants me to come over, says he's very emotional. He will probably end up on the streets again. Help me be strong!

 

[Childofmine]

Sea66 my son lived on the street multiple times for months. There are many services and it is summertime so the living outdoors is not as hard.

He created this situation and it is a real opportunity for him right now to handle it himself.

If you want to go over, go over but go with a clear and simple plan for yourself about what you will and won't do and will and won't say.

This is not your problem. It is his problem.

I believe our goal is to get to a point with them where we can be calm and loving and supportive and see them with limits on the time we spend with them and away from our homes especially at first when we are working to change the dynamic. If we can't do it then we need less time with them until we get stronger. We can't react to all of their drama. We have to let them go to walk their path and their journey. It is really hard to do. It takes time. We will stumble and that is okay.

Do only what you feel you can do right now. Take your own pulse and see what you want to do and can do. Maybe it's just a short phone call with love and encouragement. Maybe just a text. Maybe it is not a visit right now and that is perfectly okay to say I can't come over today but honey I love you and I hope things work out.

That is kind and calm and true and enough. We're here for you during this. We understand.

 

[Sea66]

Thank you!
I went. He asked if he could stay with me for 2 weeks until he could get enough money for another place. I was surprisingly very calm. I told him I would take what he couldn't carry and the cat, but that's it. I told him I had faith in him to do the right thing and get through this.
I'm home now with the little kitten. I'm still calm.

 

[Kalahou]

I was surprisingly very calm. I told him I would take what he couldn't carry and the cat, but that's it. I told him I had faith in him to do the right thing and get through this.
I'm home now with the little kitten. I'm still calm.

Take one day, one moment, at a time. You are strong.
Take heart in what you did. It was right for you and enough for him.
Your actions and peace about it have encouraged me.
Take a moment now and just BREATHE. All is well. You and your son are going to be alright.

 

[Copabanana]

It's strange how no matter what they do, you still love them with every part of your soul.

Yes. All of us no matter what our circumstances and those of our kids, share this.

My son was homeless the better part of more than 4 years living with other people who tolerated him for a time, believing he would thrive with their help and the rest of the time on the street or couch surfing. He did not thrive through any of it. He never found direction, either. The main result is he got himself on SSI for mental illness.

He is living with me now. I do not know if it is right or wrong but I believe our insides cry out when it is wrong for us. I could not bear him with me until just recently. Still, I am not sure.

I think it was kind to take the kitty and some stuff. He will make his way. I believe you did right by setting the boundary, too. Saying no, you can't come here will help him more than having said yes. Nothing taught my son more than when I would not let him be near me or did not much want to talk to him.

It was not the relationship I had in mind, but it was all I could stand. Life is that way sometimes.

There is nothing easy about this. The only thing there is to do is to guide yourself where you need to go and to know where to stop. You are doing that. Take care of yourself. I hope you keep posting. It helps. It has helped me.

 

[New Leaf]

He asked if he could stay with me for 2 weeks until he could get enough money for another place. I was surprisingly very calm. I told him I would take what he couldn't carry and the cat, but that's it. I told him I had faith in him to do the right thing and get through this.
I'm home now with the little kitten. I'm still calm.

Sea, you are doing well. It is hard when that question comes up, in different circumstances, there might be another answer. It is important to have peace in our homes, especially so when there are younger siblings. If I could turn back the hands of time and make this so for my young son, I would. Spent many years trying to help my two, and he suffered the consequences of their lifestyles off and on since infancy. He is 15 now, and fortunately, is a pretty level headed, sensitive kid. One good thing that came of all of the chaos is that he absolutely abhors drugs.
Given the chance, I would change it all, and back then, take the stance I do now, they cannot live in my home.
Good for you, stand your ground and stay calm.
The end of the story is not yet written and I thoroughly believe in most cases, our d cs chances for improvement are outside of our homes. When this is the only option, how we accept it and move steady state with our lives, helps our d cs. If we fall apart, it does not show confidence in our decision, or that they are capable to be self sufficient.
Keep your strength up dear. Keep posting and let us know how you are doing.
(((HUGS)))
Leafy

 

[Sea66]

Wow, that was beautiful! Well said. Thank you all! this has been so helpful to have reassurance that I'm doing the right thing. It's interesting how excepting my son was of my words. He was grateful that I took the cat. He knows I'm done.

On a happier note :
The kitten was found in a storm drain by some homeless kids. My son saved him from them. He's probably only 2 months old and AGRESSIVE! He carried a toy monkey around growling like he found prey. We've decided to name him "Loki" god of mischief. Seems to be calming down a bit now. He's so tiny! Wild child.

 

[Sea66]

4am crying phone call that he doesn't know what to do or where to go. Omg! What do I do??

 

[Albatross]

Sea, first of all just breathe. This is not an emergency, he just wants you to think it is. That is usually why we get calls at 4 AM, when we are discombobulated and vulnerable.

He didn't know what to do or where to go when he got the kitten, or when he asked you to hold his belongings for him. Why all of a sudden, at 4 AM, is he in panic mode? Did a meteor hit the apartment?

I'm sorry to be facetious, or cruel. But nothing has changed. He wants you to rescue him. It isn't safe for you or good for him if you do.

In my opinion he is ramping up and will probably ramp it up even more until either he gets what he wants or he sees he isn't going to get it from you.

It helped me to have a list of places to go when we would get these sorts of calls. That made me feel I wasn't leaving him without help, I just wasn't going to be the one to provide it. There are lots of resources out there, and my guess is he has many other resources you don't know about.

I know how incredibly difficult and gut-wrenching this is, Sea. Unfortunately, it might get worse before it gets better. I think you should stay strong and tell him he must find his way out of this one. Helping him with lodging or money is not the solution, other than to soothe your heart for a little while.

 

[Sea66]

He says he has no resources and he just needs to stay here for 2 weeks (conversation eventually turned into 3 weeks)
I tried calling some hotline numbers for shelters. One with no answer, left message on a second one.
He's pretty pissed at me for not helping. I got a lot of insults.
I'm shaking and I don't know what to do.
There is a resource center that he has gone to for a while, (takes advantage of ) they kicked him out for fighting.
He's crying saying that he doesn't know how to do anything and needs help.
Should I just not answer the phone?

 

[Sea66]

Ugh! He's calling my 82 year old mother now! And my brother!