A View From The Other Side (Fairly Long)

[BusynMember]

I will tell her you said so. She will smile she doesnt like to talk about it though.
Thanks again and keey staying wonderful yourself.

 

[DarkwingPsyduck]

I will tell her you said so. She will smile she doesnt like to talk about it though.
Thanks again and keey staying wonderful yourself.

I think that's normal. Outside of this forum, I don't like to talk much about the darker days in my life. I am just very grateful that I had something resembling a life to go back to. Not everybody is so fortunate. Which is what I am talking about when I say that you guys are good parents, because you obviously care, and are trying desperately to do what is best for them. Not all parents are like that. I think we'd call them bad parents. My parents were bad parents. And the criteria by which I call them bad parents doesn't apply to any of you. I know my mom loved me as much as she possibly could. I don't mean to say she is a monster. She just wasn't a good parent. She was smart, funny, and caring. But a piss poor parent.

 

[DarkwingPsyduck]

If I were to become a parent right now, I wouldn't be a very good one, either. So I am not trying to be disrespectful to my mother at all. She should never have had kids. She was a lot of really good things, too. And I loved her. I can't stand seeing people mistreat their mothers. Ended a relationship of 2 years over it. She was horrible to her mom, who was an EXCELLENT mother, and a very generous human being. She was a spoiled little brat, and routinely had her mom in tears. Couldn't stand seeing her take that for granted.

 

[InsaneCdn]

Hey, could somebody explain to me what all these notifications I keep getting are about? Trophies, and then some...... what I am assuming are similar to likes on facebook?

Whether you get notifications or not is controlled by your settings. You can get them for private conversations (Inbox), and for when your postings get quoted (alerts) or when you get a "rating" such as like, agree, funny, etc. (also alerts). The ratings are found to the lower right of every post except your own. Its a way of showing support for others, or for reinforcing a particular message without repeating it.

Trophies are just some fun stuff that our admin threw in there. Mostly applies when you first join. They are based on things like number of posts, number of "likes", etc.

 

[DarkwingPsyduck]

Whether you get notifications or not is controlled by your settings. You can get them for private conversations (Inbox), and for when your postings get quoted (alerts) or when you get a "rating" such as like, agree, funny, etc. (also alerts). The ratings are found to the lower right of every post except your own. Its a way of showing support for others, or for reinforcing a particular message without repeating it.

Trophies are just some fun stuff that our admin threw in there. Mostly applies when you first join. They are based on things like number of posts, number of "likes", etc.

I see. That is all pretty neat. But I will turn off the notifications. Getting flooded with them.

 

[pigless in VA]

You're getting flooded with them, because your posts are touching peoples lives.

 

[DarkwingPsyduck]

You're getting flooded with them, because your posts are touching peoples lives.

Well, I certainly hope that's the case. So, do you volunteer for a suicide hotline? Reading your signature for the first time? That's awesome. I had 2 serious suicide attempts when I was 17, and 20. It was a very odd experience, though. And I don't know if it was what one would consider "normal" as far as suicide and suicide attempts. Both times I did this, I was actually in a fairly good mood. I wasn't sad, crying in a bathtub as I opened my veins. First time, I had been out partying with friends. Had a really good time, all was fine. I was staying at one of those friends' houses at the time, and I decided to go back there to crash. He stayed at the party. I was already very close to his mother, and his 13 year old sister. I watched an episode of whatever his mom was watching, then helped the sister with some of her homework. Then I went to the bathroom, and without even really DECIDING to do this, I downed 3 bottles of Tylenol PM. Woke up a few hours later all jaundiced, in a lot of pain, and almost no control over my mechanical skills. Had to literally crawl up the stairs to wake up his mother. Got to the hospital, and spent a few uncomfortable days there. The second time was similar, but with a blade instead of pills. Even now, thinking back to it, I can't pinpoint a single event, or even thinking any further than deciding to do it. It was entirely impulsive. Is that normal? I know that many people who attempt suicide don't talk about it beforehand, not if they really want to be successful at it. Usually people who do that are doing so as a call for help, since the people you tell will almost certainly prevent it. But I didn't even think about it... It bothers me, and scares the out of me.

 

[DarkwingPsyduck]

I mean, if I could do that while in a good mood, what happens when I am in a bad or depressed mood?

 

[pigless in VA]

No, I don't think I'm strong enough to volunteer for suicide hotline. I lost my husband and my brother in law (his only brother) within the past 5 years to suicide. I've also lost several friends to suicide. I just like to make people aware of the hotline in case they need someone to talk with.

I think it should scare you that you would swallow a bunch of Tylenol on impulse. It doesn't really sound like you were actively trying to die, because you didn't make a serious plan. Do you think at that time in your life that you were simply angry at yourself and trying to do yourself harm as opposed to really dying?

 

[DarkwingPsyduck]

No, I don't think I'm strong enough to volunteer for suicide hotline. I lost my husband and my brother in law (his only brother) within the past 5 years to suicide. I've also lost several friends to suicide. I just like to make people aware of the hotline in case they need someone to talk with.

I think it should scare you that you would swallow a bunch of Tylenol on impulse. It doesn't really sound like you were actively trying to die, because you didn't make a serious plan. Do you think at that time in your life that you were simply angry at yourself and trying to do yourself harm as opposed to really dying?

I am not sure. And it wasn't a very well thought out plan, I grant you. But it was nearly successful. I guess I just thought I would pass out and die. I did not know that it would shut my liver down, and make me horribly, horribly ill for 3 days. Had my liver been in worse shape at the time, I very well could have died. I am glad that I didn't, I just don't really understand what caused the attempt.

I am sorry about your husband and his brother. Were they suffering a lot? I am named after my mother's little brother, Bobby. I was very close with him. He was awesome. A few months after mom died, he attempted to kill himself. Threw himself into traffic. He survived that attempt, but not without some significant brain damage. Only lived another couple of years, but he was barely functioning, anyway.

 

[pigless in VA]

I think everyone suffers, but some people have a hard time recovering. Both my late husband and his brother were life long alcoholics. brother in law replaced alcohol with weed. My husband was sober for a time, but the stress of having a family pushed him back to drugs. I think his biggest issue was an underlying mental illness which he refused to acknowledge and treat properly. His brother did not get therapy to come to terms with his older brother's suicide. Also, he was left in charge of their parents who are both have difficult personalities. From my perspective, the biggest problem is that this older generation is so miserable. My father in law is a mean sonofab!&ch , and my mother in law is a drunk who takes to her bed frequently. Neither of them has ever truly enjoyed anything, and their relationships are contentious. I think all 4 of these people simply never learned how to be happy with what they had. The focus of their lives was always on the negative. My mother in law often refers to "the family curse." She means that alcoholism and insanity runs in the family. I think that if you grow up believing that it is family destiny to self-destruct, then that is what you're going to do.

I tried my level best to get my husband to rejoice in the good things in his life - there were many joys. He could be happy for only very brief periods of time. He would quickly revert to what I perceive as learned behaviors of misery. I don't think being happy or even content with their lives feels comfortable for any of these 4 people. When my husband died by suicide leaving his only brother struggling with these miserable parents, my poor brother in law saw no other choice than to follow suit. The entire family saw him as the screw-up. My husband was the "successful" child.

I still see my former in laws; they are both still living. I choose to not spend holidays with them or vacation with them. We limit our visits to lunches in a public place. I talk with my kids frequently about how dysfunctional their grandparents' lives are. I don't want to cut them out of our lives completely because they are the only 2 grandchildren of this sad couple. I cannot, though, spend a great deal of time with them. My father in law says next to nothing or lashes out in anger. My mother in law drinks heavily and reinvents the past to cast her deceased sons in a different light. It's all desperately sad.

 

[AppleCori]

Wow, Darkwing.

What you just wrote, about how you had two suicide attempts without really even consciously having suicidal thoughts or plans, is scary.

Difficult to comprehend. Even for yourself.

I wonder if others have done this.

Not the ones who have a well-thought-out plan, but the ones where people say they had no indication that it could happen to their loved one. Maybe some of them did it the way you did, only didn't survive.

Do you think the drugs contributed to this?

 

[DarkwingPsyduck]

Wow, Darkwing.

What you just wrote, about how you had two suicide attempts without really even consciously having suicidal thoughts or plans, is scary.

Difficult to comprehend. Even for yourself.

I wonder if others have done this.

Not the ones who have a well-thought-out plan, but the ones where people say they had no indication that it could happen to their loved one. Maybe some of them did it the way you did, only didn't survive.

Do you think the drugs contributed to this?

At the time, I wasn't in to drugs. Partied a lot, but only drank. Never smoked weed, either. I had been partying that night, but I was sober by this time I did that. I mean, my life was a complete cluster . No parents, living off the generosity of friends and their parents, but I was in a good mood that day.

 

[ColleenB]

Darkwing,

I actually did work on a suicide hotline for a time. I'm also a high school guidance counsellor, so I have done suicide interventions in that role also.

No two people are alike. That also means there is no "normal " when it comes to suicides or suicide attempts. In many cases, the person is in much pain and only seeks escape from the pain, and Suicide can seem the best option. For others, it can be a cry out to those around them that they are needing help, without the intention of possible death. For some, it is like you described, spontaneous, and not planned out.

There is no prevention other than having those who work with vulnerable populations trained to see signs or ask questions. The truth is.... Even with training, those of us in the profession can miss signs. Like I said, no two people are the same, and attempts mean different things to different individuals.

I am glad you were not successful, as you have much experience and wisdom to share with others.

Keep posting.

 

[DarkwingPsyduck]

Darkwing,

I actually did work on a suicide hotline for a time. I'm also a high school guidance counsellor, so I have done suicide interventions in that role also.

No two people are alike. That also means there is no "normal " when it comes to suicides or suicide attempts. In many cases, the person is in much pain and only seeks escape from the pain, and Suicide can seem the best option. For others, it can be a cry out to those around them that they are needing help, without the intention of possible death. For some, it is like you described, spontaneous, and not planned out.

There is no prevention other than having those who work with vulnerable populations trained to see signs or ask questions. The truth is.... Even with training, those of us in the profession can miss signs. Like I said, no two people are the same, and attempts mean different things to different individuals.

I am glad you were not successful, as you have much experience and wisdom to share with others.

Keep posting.

That makes sense. I mean, I was by no means happy at that point in my life. Still hadn't got together with my aunt, and I had really nothing going for me. I was genuinely enjoying being around friends, partying, being with their families, but I was not happy. Events in my life were probably similar to many peoples' who attempt suicide, I just hadn't actually sat there and really thought about it. Subconsciously, I didn't expect to be around for too long. Partly because of the unhealthy lifestyle, and lack of family, and maybe it was just easier for me to think, in the back of my mind, that it didn't have to go on like that forever. I think I may have just actually seen it as a positive thing. Not a "depressed, need to end this pain" sort of thing. I remember feeling strangely calm, almost liberated.

 

[ColleenB]

I think I may have just actually seen it as a positive thing. Not a "depressed, need to end this pain" sort of thing. I remember feeling strangely calm, almost liberated.

That's a feeling many have when they decide to end their life... A sense of liberation.

Your experience is not inusual, but I'm glad there was a part of you who wanted help, as you said you let the friends mom know what you did.

I worry about my oldest son. He has expressed that he would probably consider suicide, except he knows it would upset us. It scares me that his depression is that bad. And being someone who regularly works with depressed kids, I know that the protective factor of family only goes so long.

I hope my son finds his way, like you have and can see hope in his future.

 

[DarkwingPsyduck]

When I finally did wake up, I had never felt so sick in my life. Skin and eyes were yellow, I had almost no control over my muscles... And she was PISSED! As she had every right to be. It didn't cross my mind and the time, but that was incredibly selfish. I mean, her teenage daughter lived there and could have found me... I felt very, VERY bad for it. They are good people.

I am sorry about your son. I still go back and forth as far as depression. I mean, I have suffered from clinical depression, the kind where you have to talk yourself into just getting out of bed in the morning. Where you are literally just counting the hours until you can go back to bed. Nothing really bothers you in particular, you just feel so.... numb... Haven't felt that in a few months, and the longer I stay clean, the better my entire outlook on living. I think that, with enough clean time, your son will get there, too. I still have bad days, but for the most part, I am content. Something I couldn't have said for years prior to last year. It's a feeling that, during active addiction, I couldn't imagine having. This is what I mean about how the physical detox part is so easy compared to what follows. No matter how horribly ill and uncomfortable I felt, the crushing depression that persists for months at a time is what makes most people fail, myself especially.

 

[BusynMember]

Did you always have depression? I had terrible depression sibse teens and need an antidrpressant or it is always there.

Honestly...nothing feels worse. You just want to die. At least I did.

 

[DarkwingPsyduck]

Did you always have depression? I had terrible depression sibse teens and need an antidrpressant or it is always there.

Honestly...nothing feels worse. You just want to die. At least I did.

Clinical depression? Yeah, that's something I have dealt with since I left my mother's, and wound up with my dad. Who was.... Really ing horrible. My dad's sister, whom I was living with before I dropped out of high school, runs Family Counseling Services of Reno, NV. I had a therapist and a psychologist for that time. And was on Zoloft. Which was stopped abruptly, and noticeably changed me.

I have since seen another therapist who suggested I find a psychologist and maybe start up the SSRIs again, but I was still using at that time. And no form of Zoloft was going to be more important to me that oxycodone, so I passed up on that. Maybe it's time I look into it again. While I am better right now than I have been in as long as I can remember, that isn't saying a whole lot when you look back at the past 9 years of my life. Still, I am grateful for the current state of my life, because it is much more than I deserve.

 

[ColleenB]

Still, I am grateful for the current state of my life, because it is much more than I deserve.

You deserve to be happy. You obviously have a kind heart and much compassion for others who are suffering.

I hope that you find a doctor and counsellor who can help you see this.