Advice needed
- Thread starter rush
- Start date
Scent of Cedar *
Well-Known Member
Great news, Rush.
:O)
Cedar
:O)
Cedar
Thanks for the positive update, I'm so glad things improved so much.
So great to hear such a positive update. Also wanted to share what my dad did for me that might help your daughter if you can. I moved back home for almost 2 years when I was 20 years old; my dad charged me rent (affordable rent) and banked half of it which he gave back to me as needed when got into my own place.
I had no idea he had done that for me but it truly was a blessing when trying to decide between books for college or fixing the car that I could do both.
Thanks again for the update, it helps us all to see a light at the end of the tunnel.
Nancy
I had no idea he had done that for me but it truly was a blessing when trying to decide between books for college or fixing the car that I could do both.
Thanks again for the update, it helps us all to see a light at the end of the tunnel.
Nancy
rush
New Member
And alas, what goes up must come down. Now she quit her job because she was afraid she was going to be fired. She has been off her medications for a couple weeks. I can tell by the way she's acting. She was doing so well. She is not quite to the point where she knows what it takes to live on her own. She still takes advantage of free food, rent, utilities at home. When she gets like this, I want to put her out, badly. Not sure what to do, but I do know I am ready for her to grow up and get out of my house.
Oh boy. Can she get to her therapist before she spirals down too far?
I'm sorry, I so know how disappointing it is. Perhaps giving her a deadline to get back on track? You seemed to be okay with allowing her to stay to save up enough money to get her own place and she was doing so well...............
Remember to go into your arsenal of tools, (counseling, groups, books, friends, 12 step groups, NAMI courses) whatever is of the greatest support. Do it. And, be very, very kind to yourself, make sure YOUR needs are met. When you are filled up, you can make better choices about your daughter.
Hang in there Rush. We all know how it feels...............sending you warm thoughts and wishes for a peaceful evening.........
I'm sorry, I so know how disappointing it is. Perhaps giving her a deadline to get back on track? You seemed to be okay with allowing her to stay to save up enough money to get her own place and she was doing so well...............
Remember to go into your arsenal of tools, (counseling, groups, books, friends, 12 step groups, NAMI courses) whatever is of the greatest support. Do it. And, be very, very kind to yourself, make sure YOUR needs are met. When you are filled up, you can make better choices about your daughter.
Hang in there Rush. We all know how it feels...............sending you warm thoughts and wishes for a peaceful evening.........
rush
New Member
Since she quit her last job, she ran off to another state, AGAIN, to live with a guy who still lived with his mother. I told her it was a mistake but didn't try to stop her. The part that really ticked me off was she had just gotten a new job! It would have been the best job she has ever had. She was supposed to start on Aug 4. She called them and told them she wasn't going to take the job because she was moving. So instead of the job, she went to this guys house, some 300 miles away. I knew it wouldn't work for her there, and sure enough, 12 days later she was back here. They kicked her out, just as the guy in Kansas did last year when she moved out there. The difference this time was we didn't rescue her financially. I told her if she did this again, she was on her own. She gets herself down there, and if it doesn't work, she gets herself back. They paid her way there, and they paid her way back. So here we are again.
She is still disrespectful, eats all the food in the house, and doesn't lift a finger to help out. She will eat and leave her dirty dishes laying wherever she is. She is a total slob. I have posted rules of the house but she ignores them. I gave her a little money for gas to go look for a job. She went job hunting, she said, but goes wherever else she wants the rest of the time, using up the job hunting gas. I have had it!
She definitely needs to go back to her therapist. I can suggest she call him and make an appointment, but I cannot make her go, just as I cannot make her take her medications.
I know what I need to do. It is just so hard to do it. I have to kick her out. She will be 20 in about a week, and its time for her to meet the world on her own. My husband is no help at all. He won't have anything to do with her. I can't say as I blame him. ( She called the cops on him one night. She told them he was beating her. He was asleep in his recliner. There was nothing going on at all. She also took our credit card out of the mail and went shopping.) So I am giving her a deadline to get out, and praying I have the courage to stick to it. I hate that it has come to this, but I see no other way.
As always, thanks for reading and your support!
She is still disrespectful, eats all the food in the house, and doesn't lift a finger to help out. She will eat and leave her dirty dishes laying wherever she is. She is a total slob. I have posted rules of the house but she ignores them. I gave her a little money for gas to go look for a job. She went job hunting, she said, but goes wherever else she wants the rest of the time, using up the job hunting gas. I have had it!
She definitely needs to go back to her therapist. I can suggest she call him and make an appointment, but I cannot make her go, just as I cannot make her take her medications.
I know what I need to do. It is just so hard to do it. I have to kick her out. She will be 20 in about a week, and its time for her to meet the world on her own. My husband is no help at all. He won't have anything to do with her. I can't say as I blame him. ( She called the cops on him one night. She told them he was beating her. He was asleep in his recliner. There was nothing going on at all. She also took our credit card out of the mail and went shopping.) So I am giving her a deadline to get out, and praying I have the courage to stick to it. I hate that it has come to this, but I see no other way.
As always, thanks for reading and your support!
Childofmine
one day at a time
Ah, Rush, I am sorry. I hope to share a few words of encouragement to you about kicking your daughter out. I didn't go back and read the whole thread so I'm not sure if she has been homeless before or not.
But please know that there are many services for homeless people. It is truly amazing, once you start focusing on what any given community provides for homeless people. In fact, I am coming to believe it's too many services. So many services make it possible for a person to remain homeless, instead of motivating them to rejoin society.
It IS hard to allow our grown adult children to be homeless. My son is homeless right now. This is the fifth time he has been homeless, and this time has been the longest---since June 26. He is working right now---the first job he has had in about 15 months. Last week was his first week, so who knows? But he still has no place to live. He is couch-surfing and sleeping outside. He takes showers where and when he can. I don't know what he is eating. He does work at a fast-food place, so perhaps there.
He took two showers here last week and washed a load of clothes. I have to be very careful----for myself---how much I allow that. I have to keep my distance and allow him the space to make his own way. And believe me, it is a daily struggle.
I feel hope right now for him, and that makes me glad and uneasy. I know that anything can happen. It is the ultimate of living with uncertainty right now. I want to be hopeful but I'm scared to be hopeful.
So I am just going through each day working hard on myself right now. This is a one day at a time life, for all of us, difficult children and us.
I am working hard to learn that and then to actually LIVE IT.
Rush, it sounds like your daughter isn't "done cookin' yet." That's what my SO says about difficult children who continue to do what they do---they aren't "done."
Until they are "done", there is nothing we can do. Not one single thing. You already know that, but I am reminding you---and me---that our best action right now today is to get out of the way, set our boundaries and stick to them, realize that we are 1% more important than they are---I call this my 51% percent rule---so we need to make sure, first and foremost, that our lives are working well for US. That is our #1 job. And for most of us, that is brand new territory, but it is important territory to claim, when we are dealing with adult difficult children.
They have their own journey. We have our own journey. Those journeys are separate. They are not joined. We have to release them and we have to allow them to find their own way, however ugly and painful and scary that is to watch for us.
You already know all of this Rush. That is clear. I hope you can reclaim your own life, and set the boundaries that you need to set with her---out of the love that you have for her.
She's gotta grow up. Has to. The alternative is just unacceptable, for you and for her.
Prayers and hugs for you today. We're here with you. We get it.
But please know that there are many services for homeless people. It is truly amazing, once you start focusing on what any given community provides for homeless people. In fact, I am coming to believe it's too many services. So many services make it possible for a person to remain homeless, instead of motivating them to rejoin society.
It IS hard to allow our grown adult children to be homeless. My son is homeless right now. This is the fifth time he has been homeless, and this time has been the longest---since June 26. He is working right now---the first job he has had in about 15 months. Last week was his first week, so who knows? But he still has no place to live. He is couch-surfing and sleeping outside. He takes showers where and when he can. I don't know what he is eating. He does work at a fast-food place, so perhaps there.
He took two showers here last week and washed a load of clothes. I have to be very careful----for myself---how much I allow that. I have to keep my distance and allow him the space to make his own way. And believe me, it is a daily struggle.
I feel hope right now for him, and that makes me glad and uneasy. I know that anything can happen. It is the ultimate of living with uncertainty right now. I want to be hopeful but I'm scared to be hopeful.
So I am just going through each day working hard on myself right now. This is a one day at a time life, for all of us, difficult children and us.
I am working hard to learn that and then to actually LIVE IT.
Rush, it sounds like your daughter isn't "done cookin' yet." That's what my SO says about difficult children who continue to do what they do---they aren't "done."
Until they are "done", there is nothing we can do. Not one single thing. You already know that, but I am reminding you---and me---that our best action right now today is to get out of the way, set our boundaries and stick to them, realize that we are 1% more important than they are---I call this my 51% percent rule---so we need to make sure, first and foremost, that our lives are working well for US. That is our #1 job. And for most of us, that is brand new territory, but it is important territory to claim, when we are dealing with adult difficult children.
They have their own journey. We have our own journey. Those journeys are separate. They are not joined. We have to release them and we have to allow them to find their own way, however ugly and painful and scary that is to watch for us.
You already know all of this Rush. That is clear. I hope you can reclaim your own life, and set the boundaries that you need to set with her---out of the love that you have for her.
She's gotta grow up. Has to. The alternative is just unacceptable, for you and for her.
Prayers and hugs for you today. We're here with you. We get it.
