Amusing conversation

[skittles]

Here comes the Fear, obligation and guilt part, shes swamping me with texts today, trying to ignore them and not reply as i just get angry

EXDIL:Omg these are your grandkids we take cabs or the bus to our midwifes unless we have an appointment for another child that day as well and latly were doing EVERYTHING OURSELVES because u went and got this job which has us doing everything not to mention how many appts you keep canceling

 

[BusynMember1]

I am sorry about this. But why feel FOG? She is not your child and you do plenty for your grands. Please give it to God and maybe block her for a few hours if she gets abusive. Tell her, if you like, that she needs to respect what you do for her or you will not talk to her until she does. You don't have to do this, but you can and it would not be unkind. It would be asking for respect from somebody you do a lot for. That serves both of you well. It helps the daughter in law to learn she must be nice to those who help her or perhaps lose their help. it is a good skill to learn! And YOU are treated better. As you should.

Be well.

 

[Albatross]

Skittles, sorry you are on the receiving end of that stuff.

I think it is both amusing and sad that the great response you sent her appears to have gone right over her head.

I agree with Busy. Turning off your phone or blocking daughter in law sounds like a rest for you and a learning opportunity for her.

 

[skittles]

Turning off my phone is what im doing for the night, she can rant all she likes to cyberspace, going to read another chapter of codependent no more, then watch an episode of Picard (love star trek) Thanks all

 

[AppleCori]

“Lately we’re doing EVERYTHING OURSELVES....”

Yeah, that’s called NORMAL.

That’s called ADULTING.

That’s called REAL LIFE.

Your guilt and obligation is misplaced. She just told you she is managing to get where she needs to go by bus or cab just fine. She just doesn’t like it because it’s more work and not as convenient as having you haul them around.

Just like all our difficult adults, she is upping the guilt and throwing a tantrum because she is trying to force you back under her control.

See it for what it is.

Very sorry that you have to deal with this.

Apple

 

[skittles]

thank you Apple you are so right, I know I mentioned in an earlier post that she is resisting any change on my part and I knew that would happen. it’s funny how we know darn well what’s happening and yet still react emotionally. that’s why last night I took everyone’s advice and just turned off my phone and did something else. I’ll be a little calmer today And just ignore her tantrum’s.

 

[BusynMember1]

Can you keep the phone off? If you know she is just going to guilt you and not tell you anything you want or need to hear, why even listen? Listening makes us feel bad and gets us to slip up. Like being tricked because they tire us so.

 

[Crayola13]

For heaven sake, don't feel guilty for getting a job! I don't know the type or severity of her disability. Was she in Special Education or slow? A lot of those kids grow up to do fine for themselves.

 

[skittles]

Well now her nasty boyfriend is gotten involved, so I’ve sent a message to the CAS worker(canada’s version of CPS) it includes a very vulgar text to me from her boyfriend so if you’re easily offended don’t read on.

Hello Kayla, This is Shayla’s ex mom-in-law my son Gary just thought I should forward this text to you as I'm continuing to get abusive behaviour from Shayla's boyfriend. I understand this time he has not made a direct threat to me so I'm not calling police but I still think authorities should be aware of his behaviour. The background on this is that i am currently working a new job I have given Shayla a list of days that I am available to take her out for shopping etc. but She feels it's inadequate and as a result she and her boyfriend have become quite nasty to me accusing me of not helping because she's pregnant with this new guys child. I have them blocked and I'm ignoring it as much as I can. i'm also very concerned because I know that her landlord believes she is leaving the end of February and is probably not started eviction procedures because they think she's leaving voluntarily. As far as I know she has nowhere to go and I am very concerned that the landlords going to evict her., if that happens I think CAS needs to be prepared to step in and foster the children. Please excuse the vulgar language coming up, This is a direct copy of the nonsensical text her boyfriend sent me


Yo set up honestly learn how to be en grandma you also know that Shayla dose so much for these kids mean while you sit down there talk your don't know gose over don't say and also when kids have appointments you do know that Everytime she change them she pay money and that beside that there your grandkids you take off work to take to the appointment just for the that time i have life too with a job and you understand that your able too do that I know I can as and I also just so know just Shayla had my kid dose mean also other you don't do all from day one nothing your just like your goof son your dam family if want call self grandma then en act like one I never want to see here at place again disrespectful great full don't call or ask anything for these kids to know be grandma you goof from don't massage her as well in till you learn how respect her tolds this before by the way you are en texii dam your job is more important then grandkids where i do a lot more then anyone else and also way more then your goof son should be here be father withch he not cuz he a deadbeat goof like you so I don't hear call or text Shayla again or ask about anyone my family bye goof

 

[skittles]

Can you keep the phone off? If you know she is just going to guilt you and not tell you anything you want or need to hear, why even listen? Listening makes us feel bad and gets us to slip up. Like being tricked because they tire us so.

oh i know, She knows how to wear me down so I’ve blocked them both her and her boyfriend

 

[skittles]

For heaven sake, don't feel guilty for getting a job! I don't know the type or severity of her disability. Was she in Special Education or slow? A lot of those kids grow up to do fine for themselves.

She was in a school for slower children, she never graduated. I don’t think she has anything beyond a grade 8 or nine education in reality. however whether she was never diagnosed or never really slow enough to be considered disabled or no one ever pursued that, she doesn’t have anything specifically that says she’s disabled which means she doesn’t really get any benefits or assistance in that way, Was just called learning disabled growing up and they sent her to School for slower kids. She could definitely do better than she pretends, Her main coping mechanism is to manipulate others into doing for her. and since I have been stepping back it’s almost like she is purposely making things worse and worse like with her rental situation, in order to force people to help her maybe?

 

[BusynMember1]

Wow. This boyfriend also seems to have no education.

I am glad that you reached out to protective services. It is too bad that daughter in law was not diagnosed. She sounds like she should be. Now protective services will need to step up.

God bless all of you.

 

[Copabanana]

were doing EVERYTHING OURSELVES because u went and got this job which has us doing everything not to mention how many appts you keep canceling

Oh Geez. She has it in her head that you're responsible for her and these kids, and that anything that she might do is voluntary, and she deserves a prize and a parade. She is a fool, truly.

And the boyfriend!

The reality is that her job (and the man's if he has decided to step into a role of responsibility, and he has) is to "do everything." You are peripheral.

As I see it there is no way that communication with her will lead to any positive outcome, cooperation, or shared understanding. Her assumptions are totally flawed, based upon either her capacity, and/or mindset about life, and your past pattern of choices to help her, which you are changing, as we speak.

The best thing to do is what you're doing: keep child protective services advised, step back and let her find resources, and step up herself; and cut off communication until she can demonstrate respect, or a facsimile of same (I am quite skeptical of her willingness or ability to see the reality of the situation she faces, which seems a prerequisite to her understanding just how much she owes you, and just how much she has been protected by you, and just how much she has to lose without your involvement.

What she cannot see is that your help (when, how, how much, what kind) is determined by you, not her. It is not your responsibility to help her see this. She will only abuse you more if you try. If you choose, you can advise her by text when and how you can help her, at some point. But I believe that should be contingent upon her treating you respectfully, and keeping the guy totally out of the equation. But I do not see her coming to this position, without a great deal of suffering on her part, to teach her.

It is totally nuts that this man feels the right to insult and berate, let alone threaten you.

I will say that I believe as long as he's in the equation I would step way, way back. I would see the children, if that's possible, but only if it does not involve interaction with him, and very limited interaction with her.

This is a toxic, abusive and potentially dangerous situation. It has far exceeded the problem of limit-setting and enabling. It's become potentially dangerous, in my view. And it may soon enter a stage where there are legal ramifications, for her, for him, and for the children. I would stay as far out of it as I could. Really.

Bottom line: these people are out of control. Their thinking is disordered. This could well explode. None of this is your fault. Be very, very self-protective.

 

[AppleCori]

She could definitely do better than she pretends, Her main coping mechanism is to manipulate others into doing for her. and since I have been stepping back it’s almost like she is purposely making things worse and worse like with her rental situation, in order to force people to help her maybe?

Very likely. Have they even tried to find a place to live?

I bet the ex-daughter in law’s boyfriend is shocked that his bullying and name-calling didn’t work to force you back under their control!

Copa’s advice is 100% spot-on. Be very careful of this dangerous man.

 

[skittles]

Copa
You Truly hit the nail on the head and have quite eloquently summed up the situation. Ive never been able to put into words like that what the problem is. i’ve never been able to articulate why I feel threatened or trapped in a ridiculous situation That other people outside of it think has an easy solution such as just tell her your busy that day fir example. But it just doesn’t work it only makes her crazy and now her boyfriend too. I am so grateful for this forum and the people here that understand the craziness we deal with, That don’t judge and validate and support our battles with it. sometimes were around crazy so much we just don’t know what normal is. so I am grateful to you for really articulating the seriousness of this to me, I am not crazy for feeling threatened.. someone else sees that this is a really unstable situation with the potential to turn violent and I feel far more justified and stronger in my decision to step back and let CAS take over. I am there to help when it’s convenient for me on my days off, I always have been and she has become a family member whether I like it or not, but I’m not willing to be abused or taken for granted or be presumed responsible. and I’m not willing to help her dig out of this hole with the landlord or child custody if she loses the children.

 

[skittles]

Very likely. Have they even tried to find a place to live?

I bet the ex-daughter in law’s boyfriend is shocked that his bullying and name-calling didn’t work to force you back under their control!

Copa’s advice is 100% spot-on. Be very careful of this dangerous man.

Very likely. Have they even tried to find a place to live?

I bet the ex-daughter in law’s boyfriend is shocked that his bullying and name-calling didn’t work to force you back under their control!

Copa’s advice is 100% spot-on. Be very careful of this dangerous man.

Her ‘attempts’ at finding a place I’ve been completely unrealistic. she’s decided she needs a five or six bedroom for the size of the family but there’s no way she can afford something like that and with her rental history there’s no landlord that’ll take her. she needs to move to low income housing or subsidized housing. She’s only looked At A few places that I’m aware of, her mother took her to two and I took her to one. all of them were unrealistic.

 

[Copabanana]

I'm not writing this to be hard on you. And it's not that I don't understand and respect your wanting to help her out, and feeling obliged to do so.

But In my opinion it is not rational on your part (sorry) to write these two sentences that follow as if they belong together;

I am there to help when it’s convenient for me on my days off,

but I’m not willing to be abused or taken for granted or be presumed responsible

It's just not logical given how they are acting to have any expectation that they will NOT mistreat you. They will NOT stop.

Any contact with them will be abusive, in any form, phone, text, contact. As you've shown us, she has reacted to your pulling back, with greater abuse and disrespect. She will not uncouple these behaviors: your helping and abuse. She just won't. The horse is already out of the barn.

In her mind, her problem is YOU. She believes the key to getting you to behave better is to punish you. Clearly, based upon what you've shared with us, YOU are perceived to be the problem.

There is no indication at all that she feels there is any alternate response, except to berate you. The boyfriend is doing it too! Either they are convinced of the rightness of what they do, or they are out or control. Or both. I am not saying to do these things, I'm just saying, if you must help her, help in a way so that you are not hurt.

You must accept that there is no way to do this right. If you choose to help out, you will be abused. Unless you quit your job and are at her beck and call, and even then if you are out of line at all, you will be castigated. If you continue to help her you will only reinforce this pattern. I wish I saw it differently. I don't.

Of course you can decide to continue to help her. But if you do, it's best to understand up front what will happen. That way you can structure things in a way that best protects you. Bring somebody along with you, for example. Call Uber for her.

Still, I would realize up front that there is NO WAY to do this, where she won't take a pound of your flesh in one way or another. At the very least. It could be way worse. You don't know this man's true violence potential. You don't know what they are involved in. You don't know what will come down as things get tougher, and more desperate. Either in terms of their behavior, or how the system might respond. I wish I felt differently. I don't.

You need to keep yourself safe, not compromised, for these children. Who knows what will happen and how you might be needed. Clearly, she is not seeing or responding to her situation realistically. Something has to give. Something will happen. An older woman alone can't respond to or to control the kinds of repercussions that will be coming her way. To have the expectation of yourself, that you can help, when all hell is breaking loose, is not realistic. More than this, it's potentially dangerous. I am sorry.

 

[BusynMember1]

I would send the boyfriends letter to whomever is in charge at Child Protective Services. This man is a threat to the kids, his own kid included. In the U.S. it is possible that daughter in law may lose her kids if this man doesn't leave. It would be unlikely, as he hasn't actually acted out yet, but they would both be on the radar. They need to be watched.

You never need to be near this man for any reason. daughter in law is not a good experience in your life either, is she?

Now....this daughter in law has a mother? Great!!! Let her mother do these favors for her. I thought you may have felt bad because the young woman is alone but she has family. Her mother is in her life enough to sometimes take her places. Let her.

I understand your concern for your grand kids. Very unfortunately for them, their parents can not care for them. Maybe foster parents can do a better job. Right now the kids are not safe. This man sounds rageful and could hurt someone, kids included.

Please be good to yourself. We all care. We have all been there. We do not judge you

 

[skittles]

But In my opinion it is not rational on your part (sorry) to write these two sentences that follow as if they belong together;

Lol. if i was thinking rationally, i wouldnt be here. You are right, I know that, i guess its habit to keep looking at ways to compromise,and i have to checkmyself as she wont accept a compromise, and that’s out of my control. And now she has her boyfriend to confirm and try to enforce her opinions. All heck will break lose when the eviction comes and (hopefully) the kids are taken. I dont want to be be anywhere near them! My son gets the children every second weekend so Il still see them no matter what happens.

 

[skittles]

I would send the boyfriends letter to whomever is in charge at Child Protective Services. This man is a threat to the kids, his own kid included. In the U.S. it is possible that daughter in law may lose her kids if this man doesn't leave. It would be unlikely, as he hasn't actually acted out yet, but they would both be on the radar. They need to be watched.

You never need to be near this man for any reason. daughter in law is not a good experience in your life either, is she?

Now....this daughter in law has a mother? Great!!! Let her mother do these favors for her. I thought you may have felt bad because the young woman is alone but she has family. Her mother is in her life enough to sometimes take her places. Let her.

I understand your concern for your grand kids. Very unfortunately for them, their parents can not care for them. Maybe foster parents can do a better job. Right now the kids are not safe. This man sounds rageful and could hurt someone, kids included.

Please be good to yourself. We all care. We have all been there. We do not judge you