Amusing conversation

[skittles]

I have sent this letter to childrens aid, CAS (canadas cps) has been involved since the first child was born. I also have reported him to them and the childrens lawyer about a month ago when he threatened to slash my tires. Even the school principal called police and CAS because he threatened him. CAS has demanded he leave but they just dont comply. Its in the childrens protection order that no adult with a violent criminal history can live in the house. Hes currently in the court system for robbing a store with a knife. The bar to remove the children is very high and shayla has learned she can ignore the cas order as a result. The childrens lawyer warned me and my son that fact a long time ago. She does have a mother but her mom is very little help, obviously smarter than i am! She played on my sympathy about how little her mom cares, ive since learned her mom has good reason to keep her distance. I also keep involved because i worry so much about the kids. Although cas is there, she doesnt take them seriously and the supposed adults in the house are on best behaviour when they visit and nothing seems to change. As time has gone on, this looming eviction I think is going to be the final straw. As i said in my letter to CAS, they have to be prepared to remove the children as she may soon be homeless. If they take the chikdren then i have no reason to ever see her, my son gets the kids every other weekend and im sure that will continue if they are fostered, and im sure cas would give me visitation as they and the court recognize my significant presence in their lives.

 

[Deni D]

Skittles, after reading the boyfriend's text to you I'm angry for you, not that anger ever does any good. I agree with the others and would like to add I think your son's ex-wife's opinion has been expressed to you via her idiot boyfriend, as incoherent as he is. The belief that you "need to step up and be a grandmother" by taking any and all responsibility for your grandchildren off of her's (and by proxy his) hands is ludicrous. She had those children, you didn't. They are your son's and her responsibility, not yours. I'm sure the boyfriend would like you to continue to be responsible for them and for his future child(ren) too. You could ,if you had the notion, along with unlimited resources and time, but I don't know anyone who would or could.

The disrespect from them resounds in the treatment you have received from them.

I think you have been the proverbial frog in the boiling water with this situation. Good thing you are neither a frog nor in actual boiling water.

I think you are correct in assuming the children will be taken away from her in the future at some point. I don't know if not finding a home of her own will do it, CAS (Canada) may help her in an emergency situation, not sure. But at some point in those children's young lives it will happen. She is not capable.

If it's anything like the US, when she is removed as a parent, you as a stable grandparent will not be removed from their lives. The foster/adopting parents will be strongly, probably only accepted, if the foster/adopting parents encourage a continued relationship with stable family members in the childrens lives.

My son gets the children every second weekend so Il still see them no matter what happens.

This is great! I wasn't sure if your son was in their lives or not.

 

[skittles]

Skittles, after reading the boyfriend's text to you I'm angry for you, not that anger ever does any good. I agree with the others and would like to add I think your son's ex-wife's opinion has been expressed to you via her idiot boyfriend, as incoherent as he is. The belief that you "need to step up and be a grandmother" by taking any and all responsibility for your grandchildren off of her's (and by proxy his) hands is ludicrous. She had those children, you didn't. They are your son's and her responsibility, not yours. I'm sure the boyfriend would like you to continue to be responsible for them and for his future child(ren) too. You could ,if you had the notion, along with unlimited resources and time, but I don't know anyone who would or could.

The disrespect from them resounds in the treatment you have received from them.

I think you have been the proverbial frog in the boiling water with this situation. Good thing you are neither a frog nor in actual boiling water.

I think you are correct in assuming the children will be taken away from her in the future at some point. I don't know if not finding a home of her own will do it, CAS (Canada) may help her in an emergency situation, not sure. But at some point in those children's young lives it will happen. She is not capable.

If it's anything like the US, when she is removed as a parent, you as a stable grandparent will not be removed from their lives. The foster/adopting parents will be strongly, probably only accepted, if the foster/adopting parents encourage a continued relationship with stable family members in the childrens lives.


This is great! I wasn't sure if your son was in their lives or not.

Thankyou for your thoughts, The frog in boiling water is a very apt description. This is a years long situation that has just slowly but surely deteriorated and my involvement in it has slowly become more and more emeshed. Three years ago I had been suffering from depression and anxiety for awhile, It got to the point that I finally sought professional help. between two years of medication and counselling, i’m feeling relatively healthy and happy. Far far more able to separate my being from her. And of course this had lead to huge backlash. When I was in therapy I was also Extracting myself from a similar emeshment in my sons life. That has gone far better as even with his problems he is healthy enough to be accepting of it and even welcoming of my stepping back.Not to imply that we’re at 100% there yet though. My son spent five years in prison so he is involved in the children’s life but it has been a struggle for him as She has thwarted him at every turn and his past makes him less than ideal candidate as a custodial parent. She is so angry and bitter because he left her. however the relationship between them was so bad even the kids didn’t want them to live together as they just fight all the time. The courts have recognized that the two of them cannot talk to each other, The court ordered CAS to provide drivers for visitation. currently my son is living with another girl that has three children, his girlfriend is a recovered addict but she is doing well, my son did ask for custody but the judge felt it was just trading one marginal situation for another and that five extra children would be far too much of a stressor on the new girlfriend given her recent recovery. at that time my son his new girlfriend had only been living togeather a short time, far too soon to consider it a stable family unit . Currently my son gets two of the children Saturday nights overnight, and the other three all day Sunday every other weekend. CAS and the children’s lawyer have been very happy with his care of, bond and interaction with them. I do expect as they get older, that the oldest boy may request live with his dad. I’m not sure what age they start to take the children’s opinions into consideration but he is 11 now and has expressed a wish to stay with his dad many times. At any rate you are right, I know they will keep myself and my son involved, I hope for the kids it’s enough.

 

[AppleCori]

Hi skittles,

Have you been able to keep them blocked?

Did CAS respond to your email and warning about the impending eviction?

 

[skittles]

They are still blocked. CAS didnt answer me directly but thats not unusual. I have the workers direct cell and she’s often busy, doesn’t respond right away unless it’s an immediate emergency. My son told me he seen through social media as they have a lot of common friends that she did get a call from CAS about her boyfriends behaviour to me. lol so now I guess she has it all over social media that I’m the reason he’s getting pushed out of the house not his criminal record. So they are aware there’s an impending eviction, I guess unless/when it actually happens, I won’t hear anything more. but it is so nice to have her blocked it is so peaceful. Technology is wonderful but I often miss the pre-cell phone, pre internet days. if we had to call mom or dad for help they actually had to be home to answer the phone, no answering machine no texting no email. if they didn’t answer we were out of luck and had to figure it out ourselves. The other side of that I suppose is they must’ve spent a lot of sleepless nights wondering if we were alive or dead.

 

[BusynMember1]

I think most of us didn't make our parents worry so much. Nor did most of us demand help from them (would our parents have put up with what we have?). My parents would have NEVER tolerated abuse from us. I think we (my parents) may have been told not to ever contact them again if we thought we could talk to them that way.

I think being available 24/7 to totally grown but entitled and disturbed kids just makes it easier for us to get bullied. I don't like the new phones. No peace

God bless you all.

 

[JMom]

Skittles,

Please do not take any more calls (text, email, pigeons) from them. You are not a punching bag. Why the hello are you strapped with her? If you see the kiddos while your son has them, you don't need contact with her or her bonehead boyfriend. I waited to weigh in because when I read her 1st text, I was like WHAAAAAAAATTTTT????

Then you had to go and post his text (thanks I lost a few IQ points) which was even worse. She gives new meaning to biting the hand that feeds you.

I agree with Copa-this is not a safe environment for you. Now would be a good time to make a clean break, as she doesn't have good judgment in who she brings home. I think her pattern of abuse towards you and socializing with men are both really bad situations.

Please stay tuned in to this forum and finish that book. I've read it multiple times throughout my life. Keep reading it and practice saying NO in the mirror. No. is a complete sentence. You do not owe ANYONE excuses for why you are unavailable.

Whew...You got me on a 10. I'm gonna go cool off.

MEDITATION EXERCISE: (you're supposed to be awake but I fall asleep, so I use i at bedtime. I'm going to give you two links. One for negative thinking and more for meditation. You don't have to listen, but perhaps it will help.

Watch this one first:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=j91ST2gtR44&t=19s

Then do meditation:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fWEX3SRX7Ro

LOVE YA CRAZY SKITTLES!!!! (See, I'm still yelling at you)
Jmom

 

[AppleCori]

Most people cannot conceive of a situation where another adult (much less an ex-daughter in law) would make angry demands upon their time, complain about them having a job, or berate them for not doing enough to help the able-bodied adult with their everyday tasks.

Nor could they fathom that an adult would allow themselves to become homeless without making every effort humanly possible in every waking moment to make sure that doesn’t happen.

Yet, here we are.

Unfortunately, this is an all-too-common occurrence in our world.

Were you able to see the kids this weekend (I know your son has them every other weekend)?

 

[BusynMember1]

I had no idea you got to see the kids without her. I didn't know that your son had visitation. I truly believe that this is a Godsend and that it would be easy as pie to drop the unrelated ex and her scary boyfriend since she can't stop you from seeing your grands. Are you so in love with this ex daughter in law that you can't give her up? If you are then I get it. But even if you love her, she is not being nice and her boyfriend is scary.

I wish you love and luck and hope you can cut this tie for your sake and hers as well. Hugs.

 

[skittles]

Thanks for the links, im going to check them out. So yes, i read back thru the texts and wonder how i got here. I think ive articulated it in another previous post sometime ago.(and the wonderful frog in boiling water analogy!) I started helping out when first baby came along as many grandparents do. My son and his girlfriend were young and needed alittle extra help. Then she got pregnant twice more, my son went to prison while she was pregnant with number 3. I guess i felt sorry for her alone and pregnant, with 2 young ones, no car on assisstance and of course felt guilty (rational or not) because they are my sons kids. I got much more involved since my son was in prison. She got pregnant again while visiting him in prison, and number 5 after he got out. Their relationship just completely deteriorated when he got out, people change alot in 5 years and it didnt work out. When they split is when she started getting nastier with me, as im supposed to be some kind if substitute for him in her mind i guess? Things have just slowly gone from helping out to yes a basically abusive situation. Ive kept involved (so i keep telling myself) to make sure the kids have groceries, get to their medical apptmts etc. and to keep an eye on things in their environment. And honestly when things werent this bad, i actually enjoyed her company. Ive had her as part of my family for 11 years now, over time she became basically a daughter to me and i do feel some sadness at the loss of that. Our relationship really started changing when she and my son split. I did my best to stay out of their conflict but if i didnt take her side 100% then she felt betrayed or that i was always taking his side and she just became accusatory and angry over time. For some time now ive been gradually pulling back recognizing ive become way too emeshed in this. Also recognizing that my help has just enabled her to keep having babies and she really isnt capable. The final straw has been the new boyfriend. Hes basically taking on a very agressive and threatening role in trying to control me. As nasty as she could get before, she didnt frightened me, just made me angry. This man does scare me, so they are still blocked, i dont intend to remove it. Some good news is that my son tells me CAS called him to ask if he still feels hes capable of housing the two boys that want to go to him on a temporary basis for now if she is unable to find housing. I guess after i sent the text the worker went to see Shayla and yes the landlord has applied to have her removed. Im not sure what CAS plans are for the other three but if theyr fostered it will be easier to find placement that keeps the three togeather than it would be for five. So mixed emotions right now, happy with myself for keeping this block on, sad the children are going thru this, relief it may finally all be coming to a head, excited for my son that for all his faults hes never stopped trying to be in the kids lives and is being considered seriously for at least temporary custody and profoundly grateful to the wonderful supportive people here. I will keep you posted as things progress with the custody situation.

 

[Copabanana]

CAS called him to ask if he still feels hes capable of housing the two boys that want to go to him on a temporary basis for now if she is unable to find housing.

This is wonderful news. I am thrilled.

Is there any chance the 3 younger children, in time, could go to your son? I don't remember what are his circumstances. Do I remember correctly that he's living with a woman who has several children? Or is this somebody else? Sorry.

Let me say it again. I am so happy that this is a possibility. For the older two, for your son, and for you!

Why would son only get the kids on a temporary basis? I don't understand that. If the mom is making choices that are endangering the kids across the board (the man, eviction, instability, etc.) why would son not be considered to be the more fit custodial parent? Prison is not disqualifying. He did his time.

Very good news!

 

[skittles]

Copa
Yes, his current girlfriend has three children. She also is a recovered cocaine addict. In court my son had asked for custody but at the time the judge felt it was trading one marginal situation for another, that an additional five children to the three already in the house would be too much of a stressor given her recent recovery. I think he would have a better chance if he moved out and found housing for just himself and his kids. At the time of the court case though, shayla did not have this new boyfriend, was not pregnant again, was maintaining her bills and rent, had my support for shopping and medical apptmts. Since then her situation has deteriorated well beyond marginal so my thinking is theyl give my son the two for now, if things go well and shayla cant stabilize her life, he may have a good chance at custody of them all. i think they are giving him the opportunity to prove himself. So will see if he rises to it.

 

[AppleCori]

This is really great news for your son!

I’m impressed that CAS is staying on top of the situation.

 

[Copabanana]

She also is a recovered cocaine addict.

I bristled at the thought that son's parental rights would be determined by something like this. But then reading further that the court was seeking the most stable situation, and at the same time to protect the girlfriend's recovery, I calmed down.

I think he would have a better chance if he moved out and found housing for just himself and his kids.

Yes. Maybe he will. I hope so.

he may have a good chance at custody of them all.

Wouldn't this be a wonderful thing, for him and for the children? I hope so. Very much.

 

[RN0441]

Wow what a thread!

I agree with the others. I'd stay far away from her and the boyfriend. I would not take any calls or texts from them and keep them blocked - for a very long time.

See your grandkids when your son has them. Let him be the other parent, not you.

This will also enable your son to step up to the plate and be the dad he is meant to be. None of us will live forever.

Stay strong and live life for YOU!

 

[Copabanana]

Let him be the other parent, not you.

This will also enable your son to step up to the plate and be the dad he is meant to be. None of us will live forever.

This is a very wise post! Heartfelt, sagacious and hopeful.

 

[AppleCori]

How are you doing, skittles?

 

[Copabanana]

Hi Skittles. I am thinking about you too! How are you?

 

[skittles]

Replying to those that have ask how I’m doing. First thanks for asking Second no news is good news I always say! they are still blocked. so I honestly don’t know what is happening because I haven’t been in contact. I do know my son was supposed to have the children this past weekend and the CAS driver said nobody answered the door for pick up of the children. so he didn’t get them, I think she’s trying to cut us all off again. we’ve been through this with the children before when ever I or my son has disagreed with her in the past, which is why the court ordered CAS to do driving pick ups because she has refused to let us have the children on his visit days. But CAS doesnt have a lot of success either. this custody and visitation is going back to court the end of this month as the judge wanted a follow up to see how visitation was going and how her capability was going with regards to getting the children to school etc.. her lawyer did retire and she has not found another one as far as I know so she’s probably going to try to get it remanded but this will be the second extension so they may not let her do it. i’m not sure what happens next. everything just seems to be hurry up and wait. Wait for court wait for her eviction etc. meanwhile I am enjoying the peace and quiet, missing the children though. I still have their birthday presents from January and February in my spare room.

 

[AppleCori]

I’m glad you weren’t guilted into providing your ex-daughter in law with housing/money for housing/co-signing for housing!

Shouldn’t the children’s lawyer go to the judge about her not allowing the kids to go to their visitation? She shouldn’t be able to just get away with withholding them.

Glad you are holding up okay. Take care of yourself.

Apple