As expected:

[Childofmine]

Lil, I so understand what you wrote below.

I want to know where he is and if he's got a roof over his head, but after that, I don't want any more details. I'm happier when he doesn't call, because it's never with good news. When he calls, my stomach clenches. When it's been too long without that call though...I start to worry.

During the year before Difficult Child went to jail and got out this last time, I would open Facebook and I could see if he had been on there or not within the past 12 hours or so.

That's all I wanted to know.

Nothing else. Just that he was alive.

Every time he called through an unknown number, whenever any unknown number would pop up, I would clench up.

I knew it would be more of the same.

But...if I didn't know he was alive every few days, I would start to awfulize.

This is so hard.

They taught us this. Their behavior and their actions taught us to respond this way. It is truly awful.

But I will also say this: as we progress in our recovery from enabling (and you are definitely making tremendous progress!!!!), we create some space for something new to happen.

You are creating that space right now.

I am praying for continued strength, courage and peace for you, and for him to start to see his life clearly.

Hang in there.

 

[Lil]

And just got a message. girlfriend is leaving. Going home to her dad. Craigslist person says wont take him alone. Only other person wants $250 up front. He's freaking out.

 

[Lil]

And that quickly is not freaked out. He's apparently coming back to this town. He says a couple here has said he can stay with them. Says he's checked and checked and doesn't have a warrant. I've warned him that, because it's municipal no one might know but the local PD. But it might be he's slipped through the cracks since the last thing the court did was give him permission to leave the state for Job Corps. He said he went to court alone after that...but he may be lying. He could have just lucked out. But if he comes home and gets busted, that's entirely his problem. I'm not bringing him here and not bailing him out if that happens.

Is it bad that I don't want him back? I mean, he won't be living with us or anything, but just knowing he's in town and could want to "hang out" bothers me. I liked when he was...when he'd come have dinner and watch Game of Thrones. I liked that. But darnit...

He's going to have to live with the lack of Christmas with the folks. Not losing our non-refundable vacation for him.

Oh...and we're assuming sis was wrong and there's no baby on the way until we hear otherwise.

 

[pasajes4]

I am happy to hear that the girlfriend is going home.

 

[Lil]

I am happy to hear that the girlfriend is going home.

I really am as well. While I wish my son would find a nice girl, and according to sis she is, it's not right she be dragged around because my son can't follow the rules. Now she's out of work again and homeless again and she's so young.

 

[pasajes4]

I hope she will be able to get back on track.

 

[Jabberwockey]

Hopefully this experience will let her trust her dad's judgment and accept his point of view.

 

[Jabberwockey]

Just had a horrible thought. What if the reason she left him was that she finally quit denying the possibility of being pregnant and tested herself and came up positive. Then when she told our son he blew a gasket, going into full blown denial himself so she left.

And as I type this the thought crossed my mind, does it really change anything? The answer is no, it doesn't. I'm certain that if she is pregnant her father will contact my sister, if nothing else to have someone besides his little girl to berate about what happened. Then again, he might not. Lets be honest here, if he were to insist that our son pay child support then he has to accept at least the possibility of this young man, whom he apparently despises, becoming a pseudo-fixture in his life.

Damnit, now I want a cigarette!

 

[pasajes4]

It is difficult to not to go to the worse case scenario. If she is pregnant, you will know soon enough. I will be praying that she is not pregnant.

 

[Jabberwockey]

I will be praying that she is not pregnant.

You and me both!!!!

 

[Lil]

Thank you dear, for that wonderful scenario I hadn't considered.

I intended to remain in blissful denial of that even being a possibility. Especially considering how he was over the prior girlfriend baby, which he knew wasn't his, I don't see him blowing a gasket. Your sister said he knew it was a possibility. It would not come as much of a surprise.

His message to me was simply, "Well L is going back to her dad's. Can't take this anymore. The chick who we were supposed to be meeting with said No L, No place for me. I called another place, she will be talking to her husband when he gets home, assuming all goes well, I might have a place, but doubt it. And they want the rent up front. That's nearly $230 I don't have. I'm literally effed now."

I don't know if "Can't take this anymore." referred to L or to him. I assumed L.

 

[Jabberwockey]

Thank you dear, for that wonderful scenario I hadn't considered.

Sorry Honey, can't let you be the one catastrophizing ALL the time! Never said it was a significant possibility, just one possibility among MANY that I'd prefer not to think about much less actually talk about. As far as the blowing a gasket goes, I didn't mean at her, meant about not being able to house and support the baby. I got the impression from my sister that the incident in the parking lot really unnerved L. My guess would be that it was the first time she truly saw him lose it.

 

[Lil]

Maybe. But it was probably just the lack of housing and uncertainty as to whether they would find another place. She's very young. She had imagined them just finding a place together and playing house. Her first venture into being on her own has certainly not been what she expected.

 

[Jabberwockey]

Most definitely.

Ah! The joys of being a naïve teenager with delusions of how the world SHOULD work not letting you see the actual reality! It was fun, wasn't it? Thinking that all we had to do was get a job, then the house, car, 2.5 kids and a dog, and all that other sugar coated crap we believed as a kid would just fall into place. How foolish we were! Because lets be brutally honest here. Adulting sucks!

 

[Tanya M]

Is it bad that I don't want him back? I mean, he won't be living with us or anything, but just knowing he's in town and could want to "hang out" bothers me.

There is nothing bad or wrong with wanting peace and quiet.

He's going to have to live with the lack of Christmas with the folks. Not losing our non-refundable vacation for him.

Good, and when you go do not think or worry about him. You and Jabber need some time away from everything and everyone.

Oh...and we're assuming sis was wrong and there's no baby on the way until we hear otherwise.

Hoping she is not.

 

[AppleCori]

Wonder where those wonderful friends are now? You remember, the ones he spent all his time with, while his girlfriend was left by herself at the aunt's.

 

[Lil]

Well, he's back. Actually in the next town over, about 5 miles away, close enough that we share middle and high schools, but far enough away that work will be a problem. There's very little in that town. He's already asked if we'd like to go out to dinner (our treat) and said he's down to $7. I told him we have stuff to do the next two days (true). I suppose we'll have to meet up at some point and let him know that we don't want any more involvement than we had before, his life is his business, and that's not going to change until he does.

 

[Childofmine]

Lil, I''m glad you bought yourself a little time before you see him. You can think and plan how you will handle getting together again, and restoring those boundaries that are different when they are in close physical proximity.

It's such a relief when they are not in our town! I remember that well.

I'm sorry that it's all in your backyard. Remember to take it as it comes, and one day at a time.

We're here for you. We are here for you.

 

[Copabanana]

I suppose we'll have to meet up at some point and let him know that we don't want any more involvement than we had before, his life is his business, and that's not going to change until he does.

Hi Lil,

It was a fate worse than death to have my son in my town. I am so grateful that he is gone from here and has been stable for 5 weeks or so a 3 or 4 hour train ride from here. Thankfully, he hated it here.

You are absolutely correct to make firm boundaries from the beginning. For yourself and for him. Their MO is so destructive. I know the intent is not to destroy, but the secondary effects are so destructive. And I am wondering if it really enters their heads how it really hurts. Or even if they care.

This is such a painful kind of love. I ask myself over and over again how it came to this. My relationship with my son was such a joy to both of us.

When he said he wanted to come home for his birthday, I dreaded the idea, and M forbade it. It turned out it was a ruse. He had left something he wanted in town, and I guess he wanted a subsidized train ride.

There is so little joy in thinking of him or even speaking to him. He has been the love of my life. I cannot come to grips with how I feel now, compared to before. I think I actually fear my son. Not that he will hurt me, but because he has caused me such hurt...and while it is less so, it continues.

I understand how you must feel, Lil. Defend yourself and take care of yourself.

I read this through and I sound so defeated. I know it is a process and my role and responsibility in it is to be hopeful and affirming and to demonstrate confidence. I try.

I am making a confession. The cost to me has been dreadful. I do not know what this says about me. I am ambivalent about posting something so true.

So, I clicked above and went to another thread. And saw this: A reminder of my purpose:

Viktor E. Frankl, Man's Search for Meaning-
“It did not really matter what we expected from life, but rather what life expected from us. We needed to stop asking about the meaning of life, and instead to think of ourselves as those who were being questioned by life—daily and hourly. Our answer must consist, not in talk and meditation, but in right action and in right conduct. Life ultimately means taking the responsibility to find the right answer to its problems and to fulfill the tasks which it constantly sets for each individual.”

So, I get out of this that my expectations of myself and my son are getting in the way. And this is what I need to get clear about. To identify what those are and to let go of attachments to expectations of myself and my child, that I seem to be using to hurt myself, and probably him.

COPA

 

[Copabanana]

Hi again, Lil

I feel so self-absorbed based upon that last post.

I think if it was me in your place, (my best self, not my weary and sorry for myself self), I would try to be warm and neutral and to keep my mouth shut when I next saw my son.

I would know inside myself what my limits were. Very clear and very firm. I would not tell my son. I would have my limits guide my responses, only.

Because at the end of the day, these are our sons, and we their mothers. We have a job to do, whatever the cost to us, if I channel Viktor Frankl:

Our answer must consist, not in talk and meditation, but in right action and in right conduct.

What is that symbol to defend against werewolfs? Making a cross with our fingers to keep them at bay? I will try to remember that my son is not a werewolf but my son. And I his mother.

To defend first...I will try not to do. I will try to have the confidence in each of us to be open to possibility and growth...in each of us. Thank you Mr. Frankl:

Life ultimately means taking the responsibility to find the right answer to its problems and to fulfill the tasks which it constantly sets for each individual.

And thank you, again.