As expected:

[Jabberwockey]

I must admit to feeling a sense of dread about our son's impending return. Almost called it a homecoming but that's just not true. I cant help but question his motives for returning to an area that he freely admits to despising. He has never had a kind word for anyone in this area. He has to realize that even if he doesn't currently have an active warrant, they could find and correct that error at any time. But most of all I dread what this will do to Lil. She has a much harder time with detachment in person and I can just see him showing up at our door after he has run out of "friends" to stay with in the area, playing on her maternal instincts.

A child returning home should be a happy occasion, not one to inspire dread. This just sucks on so many levels. Think I'll go bum a cigarette.

 

[Lil]

Wow...I should never get on here when I'm at work. And I opted for non-waterproof mascara today.

Jabber's right. I have so much less detachment when we speak...and even less when I see him face to face. Having him this close...just no. I find myself "rehearsing" all the things that need said. How we can't be involved in a daily basis with him. How we won't be giving him rides here and there. How he has had so many chances to get settled and has never taken advantage of them. How he just...has to leave us alone!

Yes, we'll take him out to dinner occasionally. Sure, there may be times when he can come over. But he HAS to live his life on his own. Not because we're mad at him. Not because we're trying to punish him. Because we can't "help" without it making him worse. HE has to accept responsibility for his own choices and until he does that...we have to keep our distance.

He won't listen. He won't hear how his body language and mouth have gotten him kicked out of both his grandparent's and aunt's. No...it's not his fault. To him what we'll say is, "You are always to blame. You're bad. We don't want you."

Just writing that made me tear up again. When he was 2 or 3, I picked him up from daycare and found him all alone in a dark classroom. The teacher didn't even know he was there, they were out with the other kids! I asked him, "Honey, why are you in here all alone?" His response was, "I'm bad." He was in a new daycare the next day, but I think that's what he hears...I've heard him say as a kid, "They think I'm bad." and as an adult, "They think I'm scum." It breaks my heart.

And now I absolutely have to stop this now.

Copa, you're right. I don't feel joy anymore when I think of my son. Just sadness...and dread.

I'm so afraid he's going to ask to move in with us or expect it to be like it was before, when he came for dinner every week. I actually kind of enjoyed that...but it always leads to him expecting more and more and more.

 

[pasajes4]

Lil and Jabber, I hate that he has returned and those feelings of dread color your days. I met a mother whose homeless son walks up and down our main road all day long. She said it feels like it is his way of publicly condemning her for putting him out. He is so erratic and at times menacing to the public that she had no other choice but to put him out.

 

[Jabberwockey]

Yes, we'll take him out to dinner occasionally. Sure, there may be times when he can come over. But he HAS to live his life on his own.

At least the next season of Game of Thrones doesn't come out till spring.

Honestly, the thing that keeps running through my mind most is how he just automatically expects us to let him order a second entrée to take with him because he's out of money and food. I would consider just taking $10 worth of Ramen noodles with us but that would just be mean.

I'm trying not to, but I feel myself tensing up for the fight. I know there is no point because he hasn't done anything....yet. And the yet is the reason I'm tensing up.


Sorry, just re-read this and thought I should clarify. Its not that I have a problem with feeding our son. Its the assumption that we will give him whatever he wants or says he needs simply because its his due. At the core of his current beliefs is that sense of entitlement that we all see in our children and I HATE it! And not just in our son, not just in the inmates I see every day, but in our society as a whole. A society that demands that we pay social security taxes so we can be taken care of in our old age but will then spend that money on other things while threatening to end the program all together due to lack of funding. That isn't just our government, that's the citizens of this country as well.

Last week, one of the offenders in my class was complaining about having to be there. He doesn't need Employability Skills because he's on disability! Another offender commented that what if the money for your disability ran out and you were on your own. He just couldn't fathom the possibility that the free money might EVER run out and that's the attitude I see in our son that makes me furious.

 

[pasajes4]

I get it. My son is working and sharing an apartment with 2 other kids. I knew things would be tight as he had just started the job and rent would eat up his first check. He did not ask me for anything, so I decided to take some groceries, hygiene items. and cleaning supplies. It felt good to be able to do that for him since he was adulating. Now he calls at lest twice a week with requests. We have had to have a discussion about how much involvement I feel is appropriate. I will from time to time bring groceries, but only when I want to. I will never do it if he asks. He started to say something about my helping his sister and brother. He stopped himself before he blew getting any help from me. He knows the only time I do anything for them is if I feel moved to do so, and only when they are doing everything they can to be self sufficient.

 

[Lil]

Sorry, just re-read this and thought I should clarify. Its not that I have a problem with feeding our son. Its the assumption that we will give him whatever he wants or says he needs simply because its his due.

He did not ask me for anything, so I decided to take some groceries, hygiene items. and cleaning supplies. It felt good to be able to do that for him since he was adulating. Now he calls at lest twice a week with requests.

EXACTLY! This is exactly what I fear. If I offer to buy him some groceries, or to give him a ride and then he asks again and again and again. He needs to do things for himself.

And I hate that. Because if he was a "typical" child instead of a Difficult Child, I'd do for him. If he were responsible and worked or went to school and treated us with respect, he'd still be living at home and probably hating it and wanting to get his own place! It would be ... wonderful. But he's not. And I see him saying, "I can't get a job here. I need to be in your town. I need a place to stay." And we have to tell him no and then...what? Our own son is homeless in our own town. And I feel like this bad person for turning him away - again.

And he doesn't see it. He actually doesn't see that his choices have led to this and that his own actions have caused this. He actually thinks he's tried his best.

 

[Jabberwockey]

And he doesn't see it. He actually doesn't see that his choices have led to this and that his own actions have caused this. He actually thinks he's tried his best.

And until he sees that he's wrong it will continue. Unfortunately there's nothing we can do to force him to see it either.

 

[Tired and Hopeful]

I can so much relate to all your feelings and experiences. Mine would mirror yours in many ways, except mine is a daughter and those fears of pregnancy came true, not once but twice. After 25 miserable years of moving in and out, living on couches, living with a myriad of different men who were awful, and a failed marriage, she left in a furious rage, dragging a 7 year old with her. That was awful. I did not know a human body had that many tears. We ended up with the child after a long and expensive court battle and he has so many issues at the age of 10 and his older brother, whom we also raised with legal guardianship is now 20 and has autism, but is making his way through college . It never gets easier. Daughter is now sober, but still full of accusations and rage. Sometimes all we can do is just say no. And if you have not had babies or small children thrown into the mix, thank your lucky stars and God above. For me, it just works best with little or no contact and I suspect that is the way it will always be. She has another failed marriage behind her and is in church three times a week, but her mantra over and over and over is that is always somebody elses fault. All you can do is hang in there. Quit blaming yourself....people make their own decisions and choices and they have to learn to live with it. Try to have fun once in awhile. Turn the phone off. Quit reading texts...ignore FB messages for awhile. You cannot solve their problems. You can love them, want the best for them, do your best do turn them into responsible citizens, but if you do not take care of yourself physically and emotionally you might not be around when they need you most. What I did with my frustration and pent up anxiety is to become a parent mentor for families of special education kids. But I just had to stop dwelling on what if, or what I should have done or what I might have done or what next awful thing might happen.

 

[Tanya M]

I find myself "rehearsing" all the things that need said.

This is a good thing Lil, it helps to keep you prepared. Also, try this; in your minds eye when you are going over what you will say to him, picture him as an adult, not a child. That made a huge difference for me when I stopped seeing my son as "my little boy"

Yes, we'll take him out to dinner occasionally. Sure, there may be times when he can come over. But he HAS to live his life on his own. Not because we're mad at him. Not because we're trying to punish him. Because we can't "help" without it making him worse. HE has to accept responsibility for his own choices and until he does that...we have to keep our distance.

So true!! Set strict boundaries right up front. Let him know where you stand.

I'm so afraid he's going to ask to move in with us or expect it to be like it was before, when he came for dinner every week. I actually kind of enjoyed that...but it always leads to him expecting more and more and more.

Having your boundaries in place will help. Even if he does continue to expect more and more all you have to do is say a simple "NO" you do not owe him an explanation. If you tell him no and he asks why, you can simply say because that is the decision I have made period end of story.

Honestly, the thing that keeps running through my mind most is how he just automatically expects us to let him order a second entrée to take with him because he's out of money and food. I would consider just taking $10 worth of Ramen noodles with us but that would just be mean.

Wow, what's mean is him expecting you to purchase a second meal just for him to take with him!!
I think you being willing to bring $10 worth of Ramen noodles is a nice gesture.

And I hate that. Because if he was a "typical" child instead of a Difficult Child, I'd do for him.

And that's the difference between helping and enabling. Of course if he was a "typical" child and not a Difficult Child he would be taking care of everything for himself.

Now that he's back in your area he is probably hoping to slip back into that old comfortable routine of you guys being there to "rescue" him. I think he will get the message pretty quickly that you guys are no longer going to do that. He very well may have a tantrum even accusing you of not loving him. Let him rant all he wants to then let it go........................

Hang in there you two!!!

 

[Lil]

This is a good thing Lil, it helps to keep you prepared. Also, try this; in your minds eye when you are going over what you will say to him, picture him as an adult, not a child. That made a huge difference for me when I stopped seeing my son as "my little boy"

I actually took all his photos I had at work (I've had the same job since before he was born) and put them in a drawer. All those little boy photos made me picture him like that. It is easier now.

 

[Jabberwockey]

Wow, what's mean is him expecting you to purchase a second meal just for him to take with him!!
I think you being willing to bring $10 worth of Ramen noodles is a nice gesture.

Not mean but extremely rude. I just don't get it. I've actually tried paying for my parents meals before and they don't allow it. They will occasionally pay for ours on a special occasion, but that's a special occasion. That's not "Mom, I'm broke because I blew off work so you have to buy me food".

Realistically, the $10 worth of Ramen is a bad idea as well. It will just start him thinking that we will bring him food when he says he needs it.

You know what's really sad? I was in a decent mood an hour ago. Class actually went fairly well. I was answering some questions and had their honest attention, even some of the ones who have been outright disrespectful. Then class ends and I have time to think about something else. Not good.

 

[Copabanana]

Not mean but extremely rude. I just don't get it.

Looked at one way, things are going OK. Not great, but OK. He is healthy. Nothing bad has happened to him. There has been learning.

At least by us.

What still needs to happen, and I am speaking to myself here is detachment. The choices that my son makes about his own life, affect me. If he has friends. What he does for his birthday. If he feels happy.

These things do not have to affect me if I do not let them. I do not think it is a matter of boundaries as much as acceptance that there is not one thing I can do or not do that will make my son choose to live well. Not one thing.

And if he chooses to live poorly, I can still live well. I can work. I can be happy. I can travel or move. I can have a good life. I can succeed.

That is where I am still falling down.

 

[Lil]

Well our only contact today was a phone call I missed. I did call him back and all he had to say was that he'd applied for a job back at the same place he quit when he "hurt his back" last September, before we put him out. He seems to think he can get rehired. He was on his way out to meet a friend (the good "J" - lol) at McDonalds.

I resisted the urge to tell him to apply there too. He knows to apply for jobs. It was an odd thing...to have a call where he neither complained nor asked for anything.

 

[TerryJ2]

 

[Jabberwockey]

He was on his way out to meet a friend (the good "J" - lol) at McDonalds.

This would be the friend who works where he is applying at and whose mom probably helped get them both on in the first place.

 

[pasajes4]

It was an odd thing...to have a call where he neither complained nor asked for anything.

Yep. I sometimes get these types of calls. It is a shock to my senses when they happen. People who do not deal with D C kids would never understand that,

 

[in a daze]

That's why mine rarely calls, except when he needs something.

Our responses to our Difficult Child' s have the effect of slowly changing their behavior to self reliance instead of dependency and manipulation.

 

[Childofmine]

Those types of calls also keep us unbalanced. Next time will it be the "good call" or the "bad call"? I don't think they have any idea of the effects of their behavior on us, and it wouldn't matter if they did. None of this is about us. Not one bit of it.

Just hoping you get some space and peace.

 

[Jabberwockey]

Just hoping you get some space and peace.

That's what tonight is going to be about. Reminding him that we are his family, not his keepers, and most certainly not his personal bank or taxi service. He is almost 21 years old and its well past time for him to either join the rest of the adults or reap the supposed benefits of his chosen lifestyle. We will love him either way but that doesn't mean we will stand there and watch while he self destructs.

 

[AppleCori]

Is your son staying with 'a' couple or 'THE' couple?

The one from his 'swinging' days?