Been here before. Looking for some advice

[Tired out]

Drew, People to send her too? She isn't a little kid to send on summer break.
I went through the room and laundry thing with my pain in the butt son. But for me it was just, he needed to put it in the hamper, not on his floor. If it was in the hamper it got washed with the rest of the laundry.
He ran out of underwear and then had to do a load himself. He did it. then he did his sheets, then asked about doing his comforter... funny ..he ended up liking doing his laundry. I think he liked the control of when it was done.
I know you want her to go back to college BUT what if you said that you aren't going to pay for it? didn't you pay last time and she dropped out and you lost the funds?
What does the therapist say about this?

 

[BusynMember]

Unfortunately, she reminds me of my son in this way. She is embarassed about her hair but won't take the very simple step of going to a hairdresser to fix it. I think she and my son too have reasons we cant understand to not do things that are easy to do that they refuse.

There is really no excuse.

I wish I had leverage over my son to encourage him firmly to seek both psychiatric and medical help but he lives in his own house and has a good paying job and takes care of his basic needs. So norhing I say will persuade him. I have no leverage.

Your daughter is younger though and lives in your home by your grace. I have said this before but I think its important....if you buy her that laptop while she refuses to get help, she will be even further from getting help. And she needs help more than college, which she is afraid to do anyway. Her most pressing need is professional help to determine why she is this way and to help her move on.

Sir, you have leverage. I would use it while you still have it, while she is young. But I would focus on diagnosung her NOW and getting her help for adulting and the rest of her life. Or the rest of her life may be hiding in your house for as long as you live. And then what? Cut off all computers until she goes for help...this is an example of what may get her going.

People who are professionals need to nudge her along, getting her help and supports if necessary. It is a bitter pill for many to swallow if we dreamed our kids would go to college and they wont or cant, but it is not about us. We need to help them reach their full potential, whatever that turns out to be. And that can mean getting tough on them getting help before it is too late for us to do so.

I wish you luck. Progress will be hard. You would need to change or she wont

 

[Tired out]

SWOT--I wish I knew when my son was younger where we would be now. I would go back and be TOUGH..no toys, no nothing until he accepted the help he needed and followed the rules. period. In hindsight..if I could do that over.. I didn't want to make waves and set him off. I should have set him off, shocked the hell out of him. He was a giant turd and I let him get away with it.
Maybe she needs a diagnosis to help you handle it and to know HOW to handle her and how to best help her. Again--I wish I had, had my son thoroughly evaluated when I could call the shots and make it happen. We were told he was fine, just typical teenage boy... again..hindsight. I wonder where we would be now had we laid down the law then.

 

[Elsi]

SWOT--I wish I knew when my son was younger where we would be now. I would go back and be TOUGH..no toys, no nothing until he accepted the help he needed and followed the rules. period. In hindsight..if I could do that over.. I didn't want to make waves and set him off. I should have set him off, shocked the hell out of him. He was a giant turd and I let him get away with it.
Maybe she needs a diagnosis to help you handle it and to know HOW to handle her and how to best help her. Again--I wish I had, had my son thoroughly evaluated when I could call the shots and make it happen. We were told he was fine, just typical teenage boy... again..hindsight. I wonder where we would be now had we laid down the law then.

It’s really hard to second guess. I have a lot of regrets, too, but I also didn’t have a supportive partner who would present a united front on things or respond in a rational way to their needs at that time, so my hands were kind of tied. We did play hardball with C and his dad ultimately threw him out of the house for non compliance. As you can see from my posts, that has not resulted in a miraculous turnaround. He’s turning 33 and I’m still waiting for him to take responsibility for his life. He probably needed a bit more support and a lot less hardball from dad. S really needed a diagnosis and supportive services. Again, didn’t happen because her dad didn’t believe in therapy and refused to acknowledge that she might need medications, a counselor and social services. He saw those things as signs of weakness that he wasn’t going to allow in his kids. Her life hadn’t turned out well either. My wish is I could turn back time and somehow get both of them connected to counseling, medications, support services, maybe SSI. (I think S at least would have qualified.) if laying down the law by itself would have worked my kids would all be perfect - my ex was the law and he laid it down hard.

 

[Tired out]

I guess no matter which way we go it is a crap shoot? My hubby was the one who wanted out son evaluated. He thought he had add, or adhd. He would not do things and it seemed it was just to aggravate or start things and never finish them, then he would take a test on the subject and ace it--every time. Now son blames everything on his father and that is how he justified stealing his dad's things. There is just no answer that works for everyone.
Drew, i hope you find something that works.

 

[Elsi]

Tired, that was C. Never did homework. Usually aced tests unless he turned them in with nothing on them He dropped out of high school as soon as he could legally and then went and took the GED with no prep and got an almost perfect score. Stayed home on the computer and reading Chomsky. He could do things, he just preferred not to. Ever read that story Bartley the Scrivener, where the guy just said ‘I would prefer not to’ every time his boss told him to do something? That could be C! It’s maddening.

 

[BusynMember]

Oh, I dont think it is a given if we are tough. But in this young woman's case nothing else has worked. I believe she probably has some disabilities that hold her back and she covers this up by making excuses instead of finding out why she is so afraid to leave the house and to work on it. If nothing changes this could be her forever life.

But she deeply cares about getting a laptop. You still may have some leverage when a child is only 19 and desperately wants what you can offer. This young woman is not a criminal. She has unexplained or wrongly diagnosed issues and refusal to get help. Dad has the money for something she wants. Why give it to her if she wont try? Should we try harder than them?

In many cases nothing we do will work. But just like we wish for them, we can try. We never should withhold love but we can put condituons on what we will do for them. If may work. Or not. But continuing to do everything for this young woman will encourage her to refuse treatment.

For her this is a critical time. in my opinion taking a gamble is a good idea. Nothing is lost by changing things up.

Love and light!

 

[Elsi]

I agree with you SWOT that it’s time to change things up! I’ve been advocating for getting her out of her comfort zone the whole time. We can’t make it too easy for them. I’m just pointing out ‘getting tough’ by itself is no guarantee of results either. I think sometimes it’s easy to go too far the other direction when we are exasperated, and forget tough love has to include the love along with the tough. Supports and rewards along with consequences. It’s a really tough balance when they are pushing our last nerve and refusing to comply. And They are all unique, too. Obviously I’m in no position to judge or second guess anyone’s approach here. I think it’s tempting (for me at least) when we have older kids to project our own experiences here and see a chance to get things right we feel we did wrong. But I know my experiences may not actually apply here, and there is no way of knowing whether things would have turned out differently for mine if I could rewrite history. There are no cut and dry answers.

 

[Drew64]

So been very busy at work and really haven’t had time to do a lot of reading responses. No major changes yet in her and don’t expect instant changes. I go about my day. Still going to counseling.

 

[Elsi]

Good luck Drew. I know it’s slow but I hope you start seeing some progress soon.