Being who we are, even if FOO is different and doesn't like it

[New Leaf]

People tell me all the time, I look like my mom.
But we are two different people.
She has always had short hair but has had a rather severe do for awhile now. She has her hair cropped to the chin and straight, close to her face.
She once went and cut it shorter, when I was visiting, it was much more becoming. I think with her illness, it has been difficult for her to gussy herself up.
I think it is important to be able to like what you see in the mirror, to embrace it.
The age thing is hard. But, the ulterior, not being on this earth is much worse, don't you think?
So, might as well resist it the whole way. Learning to live with the new aches and move and do in spite of them. I am more sore not doing.
I was inspired by Frankl speaking of learning to fly at his age. That was awesome.

The thing is that it is high maintenance for me because I have to get it cut every 4 weeks to look good. And I went somewhere expensive. Who needs that? Supercuts is the only thing that makes sense with short hair.

I am the happiest with a ponytail. Well, that was clearly said.

That was me before the cut, ponytail or bun. I liked my long hair, but felt it was holding me back in my aspirations to get into better shape. It was a hassle, going to work as a wet head is not very professional. Now I can workout, wash and fluff and go. Wa la!

Pixie cuts are high maintenance, Supercuts is not too bad. I would pay double in a salon. I have gone to the local beauty college and gotten decent cuts there for $7.00 Now that is cheap! I find no matter where I go, even if I take a picture, beauticians have a way of putting their own ideas into the cut. I think they put their artistic interpretation into their work.

Change is good, it helps to have a different look to match a different attitude, don't you think?

I am looking forward to where you go with this Copa. You are doing so well. I am very happy to be here to see your emergence. You are so worth it. You are a wonderful person.

Towanda!
leafy

 

[InsaneCdn]

I liked my long hair, but felt it was holding me back in my aspirations to get into better shape. It was a hassle, going to work as a wet head is not very professional.

Long hair holding you back. Really?

I have long hair. It has never held me back from anything.
BUT. You have to be prepared to handle your long hair the way people did it in the "olden days". Do NOT wash it every day. Put a shower cap on, do whatever it takes to keep it dry. Then wash it on a specific schedule.

Long hair is easier to manage if you do NOT leave it loose. I love Copa's hair-pics. Haven't done any of those myself, but know people who do. My daughter wears hers in a braid or a bun, when being active. She only wears it loose when "going out" with friends.

 

[New Leaf]

I have long hair. It has never held me back from anything.
BUT. You have to be prepared to handle your long hair the way people did it in the "olden days". Do NOT wash it every day.

I loved my long hair, I had it past my waist for a long time.
I cut it recently because I was walking every morning and it was quite hot, therefore I was sweaty and had to wash it daily. So, I chose to cut it.

I love the pictures too. It is just a matter of preference, really.

Luckily hair grows. So, if I tire of it short, I will grow it out again.

 

[InsaneCdn]

I was walking every morning and it was quite hot, therefore I was sweaty

I forget we don't all live in a temperate climate. (if you can call -20C "temperate"...)
360 days of the year, I can take a hike at two in the afternoon and not get a sweaty scalp. Half the year, if I'm not overdressed, I can hike and not get sweaty at all!

 

[New Leaf]

Yup, hot and sweaty- ick. Going to work a wet head. We had some 90 degree weather here over the summer with high humidity that made it feel like 100. Global warming.

Insane, cutting hair in Hawaiian culture of old, can represent a way of declaring an end to things, also a new beginning.
Off my locks went-chop!
That was last month, before my trip.
It is growing out already,heck, I may go even shorter.
Meh, my hair grows super fast so I can play around a bit with the short style.
Thank you for your kindness
leafy

 

[New Leaf]

Yes, it is new. Maybe that is partly why Sis is still angry at 50 on the wrong side. I don't know. I did bully her AS A CHILD and was allowed to. And she bullied brother AND WAS ALLOWED TO. Her bullying went to her 30's of my brother, but I'm done telling that story.

Thank you Serenity for being patient with me as I write of my sister and my experience. I hope I have not offended you in my doing so, for I see our situations are similar with the sister portion. I am trying to figure out how to work this relationship. It is hard. The traits and compulsions are all there. When my sister starts behaving in her way, I go down memory lane and just end up regretting it, it gets me no where. It is not her fault she was as she was as a child, and it went uncorrected. But, the behavior happens even now, in our 50's so.........

In our house nobody paid any attention to what was going on and I don't think much thought was given to parenting strategies. But we were NOT allowed to wander around the neighborhood. My mother would have a heart attack if she didn't' know where we were. Maybe that was her only way of showing she must have cared a little at one time. But I think it was control as she was a control freak. "You go only where I say you can and you'd beter tell me where you are." Who knows?

It is a mystery. My mom spoke last month of opening my brothers drawer and finding a baggie of pot taped to the back. She said she quickly closed the drawer and never addressed it. She said that they had blinders on because they just didn't know how to deal with those things. Interesting.

I feel good not caring much about the "why" anymore.

Yup, I am working towards that, Just want to know what makes me, me. I do not want to go down the enabling road again. I think my childhood has something to do with that.

Thanks again to my Chronicle staples at the time, Cedar the Wonderful and Copa the Fantastic
I love all the latecomers too and am glad so many feel we can openly discuss our horrible childhoods.

Everyone is so wonderful here, thank you all, a thousand times over!

Thank you Serenity.
I am not so upset of what happened back then,
just that it is happening still.

leafy

 

[Scent of Cedar *]

That I dwell on my hair is not out of an overweening vanity or sense of self-importance. First, there is the issue of functionality and maintenance. My hair is very thick and very fine. So it tangles easily. If I do not brush or comb it every day (which takes a half an hour) it tangles and mats. Even after sleeping, and in a pony tail, it will mat and tangle. In just one night. I tend to let it go if I can. Thus my current mess.

My hair was red. It is going white, especially around my face. I like it better uncolored because I haven't seen colored hair that I like. I have seen blonde on blonde colored hair that was alright ~ probably better than the person would have looked without the coloring. Mostly, I see terrible things happening with coloration.

So, I haven't colored mine recently, yet.

Mine is also waist length and a little longer.

Curly.

But here is something I learned: I can make tendrils. Wet those flyaway parts next to our faces, give them a twist around the fingers and let go and BOOM.

We are beautifully messy in a natural casual way no one else can do because they don't have our hair.

:O)

I do not brush my hair daily, Copa. Let it curl. Pin it with plastic hair clips. Form the ponytail with a strand of your own hair Copa and pin it in place with the hair clips. Pull and shape the hair into something beautiful like a Gibson girl, make the sweet curls from the flyaways near the face and at the nape of the neck.

I have only begun doing this within the past few years. Always before, I was controlling , controlling my curly hair.

Now, in letting it go and letting it be and working with it as it is...it looks pretty cute, Copa.

Form the ponytail with the strand of hair. Now, you have flexibility and a general ability to shape the way it frames your face. Pin it in place with the plastic clips. Make the curls wherever you want them.

Look on YouTube for how black ladies do their hair.

I learned the best makeup tips ever from a YouTube site for transvestite people.

Think about it. Makes sense, doesn't it.

Cedar

 

[InsaneCdn]

Mine is also waist length and a little longer.

Curly.

Green Monster Time!!! (do you read the Bearenstein Bears books?)

CURLY! I'd have given ANYTHING to have had naturally curly hair.
Mine? A friend of a friend was a hair dresser, and we happened to be visiting the same friend at the same time. And I didn't know she was a hair dresser, but I was complaining about my hair. She asked, maybe, 10 questions, and then said... don't ever try to get a perm on your hair. It won't take well, and will cause major damage due to the type of hair you have.

And then she said...
"Learn to love the hair you have."

Mine is board straight, no matter the weather - hot, cold, humid, dry...
It won't curl. Well... maybe if I did it like Hindu priests in India, it might stay. (you will have to look that up for yourself).

It is also VERY fine. Breaks easily, splits easily.

And I have a LOT of hair. A lot of board straight very fine hair.

So I have learned to accept that. I wear ONE hair style, 7 days a week, 365 days of the year. I rarely have a bad hair day. Hair, like children, does best with consistency

I have changed styles once in a while. I am going to have to do that again soon, to accommodate a change in activity level. When I change... it will be to a new style that works, 7 days a week, 365 days of the year.

 

[Copabanana]

Were our sisters trying to establish themselves as alpha?

Yes. I think so. Mine was. She barks good, and bites, but does not inspire devotion or fealty.

Will it be a nip, or a big bite?

In between. She will not need stitches, but she will hurt. Most of all she will not with me again.

COPA

 

[New Leaf]

In between. She will not need stitches, but she will hurt. Most of all she will not with me again.

HAH! Good for you!

leafy

 

[Scent of Cedar *]

Mine is board straight, no matter the weather - hot, cold, humid, dry...
It won't curl. Well... maybe if I did it like Hindu priests in India, it might stay. (you will have to look that up for yourself).

I am jealous.

Forget all that stuff I said about loving curly hair.

I love the way straight hair shines, and I love the way it looks braided.

I will be checking into the priests in India. Maybe there will be something there for me about taming my hair which I was exaggerating a little about when I said how cute it was.

Ahem.

Straight, shiny hair, IC?

Oh, roar.

Cedar

 

[Copabanana]

I called my son. My mistake. Thanksgiving is on my mind. I called to ask him what his plans were. He said he wanted to come but he had lost his debit card again (395th time) and wanted to pay for his own train fare. I said, how unfortunate. He had to wait until he is paid again by his friend. As usual he was negative.

He began about the Paris attacks and how they were "another false flag" event. He believes that bad guys are staging these events as a justification to put martial law into effect and to take away our civil liberties.

Our calls are predictably. I say: I do not want to talk about false flags. Please.

He said, well you do accept that this kind of event can happen here and martial law will be established.

Yes. I accept that possibility but I do not want to talk about it. You look at the world through your theories, and I do not think that way. I do not want to talk about it.

Him: OK. I'll talk to you next year.

Clearly, if I continue this power struggle with my son I will not be able to see or talk to him, or want to.

He imposes his rules. He dominates. He wants me to listen. To listen makes me sick and desperate. I hate it.

COPA

 

[InsaneCdn]

He imposes his rules. He dominates. He wants me to listen. To listen makes me sick and desperate. I hate it.

Copa... he has his issues, his challenges. You can't make him change.
But... you have your issues and challenges. And the two sets of issues and challenges collide. (been there done that too)

What you CAN do is keep working on yourself. YOU can change. Which then changes the equation, the balance in the relationship.

 

[New Leaf]

Copa a song for you
I Won't Let Go - Rascal Flatts - Lyrics
Chin up beautiful, you are wonderful and we are here with you
(((BIG BIG HUGS!)))
leafy

 

[Copabanana]

That is beautiful, New Leaf.

I do not know what to do about my son. What if this is him, who he is and wants to be? And it will be like this forever.

I miss him. He is the sweetest person underneath all of that dominance and controlling.

COPA

COPA

 

[New Leaf]

No one knows what the future will be, not even for ourselves. But, we can try slowly to adjust and change the patterns we created for ourselves.

I miss him. He is the sweetest person underneath all of that dominance and controlling.

Maybe that is his sweetness Copa. His thoughts and fears seem very real to him, maybe he wants to protect you.

Perhaps there is a pattern to the calls that has developed over the years.
You see it as dominance, he sees it as caring.
It seems frustrating for both of you.

Next time if you have the urge to call him, maybe you could keep it short and you could say, "I don't have much time to talk, but I just wanted you to know that I was thinking of you and I love you. Good bye son.

Yo will feel good that you contacted him, and so will he.
K.I.S.S. Keep It Simple Sweetie.

leafy

 

[Scent of Cedar *]

He imposes his rules. He dominates. He wants me to listen. To listen makes me sick and desperate. I hate it.

Is he trying to frighten you Copa, or is he looking to you for reassurance, do you think.

It sounds as though he is still working.

And he did call.

Last year at this time, to have known those two things ~ that he would be working, that he would have somewhere to live, that he would call ~ were more than you could have dreamed for him, Copa.

Small steps. It doesn't have to be perfect.

It is undeniably better.

Small steps.

The cup half full can be a cherished thing, too.

You did good, Copa.

So did he.

Cedar

I don't know what to do about my son, either. So, I just try not to be too jerky. Love is such a strange thing.

We just don't seem to have a choice about it.

 

[Copabanana]

It sounds as though he is still working.

And he did call.

Sporadically, because it is almost winter. I hear in his voice some resentment that he receives so much less money than the other crew. He justifies it by saying "they need it more." I wish he would say, "let me try and work better and harder to justify equal pay." But he does not.

I wish he wanted more. I wish he thought he could get it. I wish he did not feel defeated by life.

I feel sad, as do you. While never high-high functioning, my son was buff, dedicated to the gym, excelled at martial arts, had friends, held a full time job, traveled to foreign countries alone, was poised and seemingly confident, read books and discussed linguistics, went to college, taught himself 3 foreign languages.

And his focus has been reduced to preoccupation with aliens mating with reptiles and seeking world domination--and preparing for resulting apocalypse and martial law.

Is he trying to frighten you Copa, or is he looking to you for reassurance, do you think.

This is a good question. I believe as does M that he is trying to dominate me. But it could be that he is trying to dominate himself. This scares me because it means he may be paranoid or delusional or both. I will not even go there.

Last year at this time, to have known those two things ~ that he would be working, that he would have somewhere to live, that he would call ~ were more than you could have dreamed for him, Copa.

Yes, this is true.

I called him, though, about Thanksgiving. I think we are both best served by a little distance, now.

Thank you, Cedar.

COPA

 

[Copabanana]

I had a hard night, and I will tell you why.

I had a dream, the bulk of which I do not remember, now. But I did remember when I awoke from it in the night.

There was a betrayal. The woman part of a couple stole money, in a briefcase. She took it from somebody she loved. Intentionally. As I remember, it was not my money that was stolen. The rest of the dream was a chase scene. The culmination of it was that I rammed a car into the female perpetrator. Killing her.

When I awoke I was convinced that the female perpetrator represented my mother.

I feel pretty sure that I have been harboring anger against my mother for taking our money and for feeling it was her own. She always expressed that we had tried to take her money. I think I am finally trying to come to terms with the reality of my mother and how she was to me. And the feelings of extreme anger I have turned against myself.

It is not important about the money. It is that it is emblematic of everything else.

I am left with that a sense of enough is close at hand, but not here. Being with M and our animals in our home, the possibility of work, and learning to play with a trip to the East--seems close, but not yet here.

Thank you.

COPA

 

[Scent of Cedar *]

The rest of the dream was a chase scene.

In Brazil, or Mexico, or...?

The culmination of it was that I rammed a car into the female perpetrator. Killing her.

Do you open the briefcase, Copa?

I am left with that a sense of enough is close at hand, but not here. Being with M and our animals in our home, the possibility of work, and learning to play with a trip to the East--seems close, but not yet here.

"...but not yet here."

Not yet.

I feel pretty sure that I have been harboring anger against my mother for taking our money and for feeling it was her own.

In my own process, the money would represent the intentional theft, the twisting and shattering and deformation of me to serve the abuser's intent. I am outraged at the cost to myself, and at the cheap shoddiness of the benefit (grandiosity, rich and full and choking with rage and laughter) accruing to the abuser. When I think of these things, I see my mother's machinations, see sly intent and greasy, full-throated satisfaction in what exists, today.

Shiny, powerful old car with whitewall tires and not speck of dirt. High octane fuel, the motor gunning and gunning, the grill glinting and grinning and catching the sun; roiling black smoke.

Woo, Copa.

Your dreams are too scary for me.

Cedar