Being who we are, even if FOO is different and doesn't like it

[Copabanana]

The thing is this: what I feared was that she would come back with me this way: if you love me why did you do xxx and xxx. Why did you not want to be around me for 50 years, if you loved me?

And the reality is she is entitled to have all of her questions, her suspicions, her doubts...and I can still love her without qualification and without excuses or denials.

I can still stand in: I love you.

We always have a choice to stand there, no matter what has gone before. Nobody can take this away from us.

She can do or say whatever she wants. And she will.

COPA

 

[New Leaf]

We always have a choice to stand there, no matter what has gone before. Nobody can take this away from us.

She can do or say whatever she wants. And she will.

Yes Copa this is very true.

I can pretty much guess my sisters reactions.
Coming to a better understanding of myself, seeing through my own eyes. I can see my sister had a need to dominate. Maybe her need was because she actually felt very small inside? I do not know the answer. I do not know why my mom did not stop her. I think she was too tired, and gave in because it was easier. Whatever the case may be, it is what it is.

With that, who am I?
I am me.
She is she.
That will not change.

So, If I know that I cannot open up the floodgates and have a good cry, around my sister, because it makes her uncomfortable, then, I will save my tears for one who understands and can accept my feelings for what they are.

I will pick and choose my words accordingly. Tread softly.

Just as when I speak with my mom, because she is older, I have to speak slowly, and listen to her stories of trips to the grocery store, like they were an amazing adventure.


Am I losing myself in this? I do not think so. I am gaining much by understanding that I accept myself and my feelings.

Not everyone is going to come from that place of acceptance, even those close to us.

My husband does not like to hug. My 21 year old, has made it her mission, to give him a hug every time she sees him, and hang on until he hugs her back.

She left home, two years ago, feeling at odds with her Dad because he is so stern and stoic. She has come to realize, that she can either focus on the negative, or take what she learned from his "sergeant mode".

She turned the weeds into cold compost and filled in that puka, the hole that built up inside of her.

She said to me recently, "Mom, Dad can be kind of harsh, and it hurt me all of those years, but you know, I learned a lot from him, and most of my good work ethic is because of him."
We laughed, then she remembered how many times he would volunteer at her charter school, the teachers would say what a pleasant, happy, hard worker he was. She said "I would think to myself, well send that person home, because I do not know who that man is, you are describing!"

So this 21 year old, full of hurt and love for her dad, decided to just show him love. To take the good things and focus on that.

Wow.

Lots to learn from this young girl.

I have spoken with my two girls who witnessed the blow up my sister and I had in the car that day on our trip. My 2nd girl said "Mom, I am younger than you and Aunty, but I am an adult and I had to step in and say something." We talked about it and she said "Aunty is family, family have differences. We try to learn to live together and accept the differences, to get along."

Now, that does not mean we cannot have a laugh or cry or two or more over the past.

I just saw this clip from a movie about sisters, they had ups and downs and challenges.

I think that is my weekend movie to watch.
(I just love Shirley Maclaine)
Whatever has been said or done,
it is true,
I carry my sisters heart.


leafy

 

[Copabanana]

I will pick and choose my words accordingly. Tread softly.

I think this stance applies to our D C's too.

When we know. When we see through our own eyes. We have the responsibility to go gently. And flexibly. To not antagonize or inflame unnecessarily.

There is responsibility that comes from seeing from our own eyes to not engage in such a way that loving becomes harder. To hear them without reacting.

There is loss too. The sense of being right.

There is great growth. Great potential from a position of love. No guarantees. But strength and possibility.

I see that with my sister, until yesterday, I was still hedging my bets. By anticipating her negative responses, I was cloaking myself in self-justification and an armor of self-righteousness.

With my son, too.

A stance of love allows for none of this.

COPA

 

[New Leaf]

You are right Copa.

I have much to meditate on.

I just posted something my mom sent to me in FOO.

That is very applicable.

It is amazing to me how the universe speaks.

thank you so very much for sharing your heart thoughts

leafy

 

[Copabanana]

My husband does not like to hug. My 21 year old, has made it her mission, to give him a hug every time she sees him, and hang on until he hugs her back.

This is wise in so many ways. Most of all, she is assuaging her own hurt and lack through the years from her father's harshness and reserve. She is taking responsibility to address and fill the hole. Instead of accusing or attacking him for not being more. She has turned what was a negative into a spiritual practice.

How would I have been a happier and better person had I done just this. I am thinking I do not know why about a boss I had maybe 40 years ago. I worked as a bureaucracy functionary. He was a black man, Norman, who was supervisor of the determinations unit in Unemployment Insurance. He was so officious. He was so controlling. He took this tone I think to cover for his not knowing.

People like this, in authority, faking through an authoritarian attitude have been my nemesis my whole life. Of course we know why. There must have been two dozen or more bosses that I felt forced to confront or passive-aggressively antagonize and unmask as the petty bullies that they were.

Had I chosen a different tack...finding a loving and supporting stance...instance of an adversarial one...I might have found myself there sooner.

Wise girl, your daughter, New Leaf.

COPA

 

[New Leaf]

If I could feel about her, a neutrality, when she is in my mind, it would mean that I was strong enough, and felt big enough to handle with flexibility all she was and could or would do.

Or,Copa, all you can be, and all she could be too, in a positive light.
Thoughts and words have power.

My mother was not afraid of her. My mother had compassion for her. Considering what my sister tried to do to my mother, I am wondering now, considering is a better word, what would have been a better way to have handled it: could my mother have confronted my sister in the reality she was...and would it have changed anything?

I think your mother saw your sister through a mothers eyes, Copa. Looking at the good in her. Every one of us has a yin and yang, light and dark, some more than others.

Maybe they cannot help how they are anymore than we can. That is why we must learn to be wise, and to be wary. Because we do love them, and that makes us vulnerable to them. And to them, love is applause, is the bright light of grandiosity; is more and more and more.

Then love is the answer.

And for them, we are not enough.

It does not matter, if we are enough for ourselves.

As we come more strongly through and into our own Copa, as we learn to see only through our own eyes and never through those of the abuser again, their interpretations will not concern us.

Their interpretations will not concern us, and we will be able to see them in a different light. For we are all striving to become the best us, even the sisters. So, if we view ourselves as the best us, and work towards that, how much more so could we view others the same?

We are coming to see ourselves through our own eyes. It will not be that the sisters are smaller. It will be that we will take precedence in our hearts and lives, instead of them. We were raised protecting them.

Knowing ourself, and seeing ourself and our endless possibilities, helps us to see others with their endless possibilities. Believing in ourselves, helps us to believe in others.

I'm so sorry, but I think the situation is not going to change for either one of us. D H tells me I will need to be wary and very wise and on my toes when my mother dies.
Our sisters do not play well alone.

We need to be wary and wise, always, don't we? It is what we were born for. So, knowing this, we can be prepared.

If you are, I have a certain suspicion about her. When they came and fed the dogs, there was a trinket missing. She had admired years before two little miniature irons, that I had on my pantry shelf. The little one came up missing after she was here, already a couple of years ago. It was when we went to LA to move my mother's household things here.

This makes me think of Polynesian culture. If someone in the family, or close to you, admires something out loud, if it is in our hearts, we give it to them.
I think, in a way, this prevents envy, jealousy and coveting. If we know this is cultural, then we are careful with our words, and how we speak of other peoples things. It is an interesting concept.

In my heart of hearts I fear there is envy. (And really, if I am honest, she will never really be my friend.) I do not know what to do with those thoughts. I do not want to fear and mistrust everybody.

There is so much to be read in between the lines of actions and words. We say "Make yourself at home." But, really we mean, be comfortable while you are here, not "take the best of what I have".
If M's sister, did take the little iron, this is not right, but you do not really know if this is so?
So silly, if she did, when you go to her house, she would have to think of it, and hide it.
This is sad, isn't it?
Like my mother, searching for her bracelet, that my sister took. I really think mom suspected Attilla all along, and used me as the go-between (I must be Switzerland, then) to seek it out. She was treading softly. Huh. She was giving my sister a chance to come clean, without drama and accusation. The relationship is preserved. Attilla had to think of her action, and hopefully, learn from her trespass.

Drinking expensive Scotch, or malt, may be her way of saying, "how wonderful, that you are able to afford such things, I am making myself at home, thank you. How nice of you to provide this for me."
So, perhaps if you are going to travel and have M's sister over to care for the dogs, do not have the expensive Scotch on hand, do not have the malt. Have things there that you would welcome her to partake of. She will know of her trespass, and, perhaps do better next time.
In so, you are not judging her, you are using good judgement in preserving the relationship.

He is suspicious of her and her husband. Suspicion is not the word. Realistic, and watchful is more apt. But he knows how to love somebody with his eyes wide open

Samoan Polynesian view/Eyes wide open/ Church "Sisters"

He loves them. But he has an attitude of "you have to be careful because you do not know what they will do." (I guess this is key.) He takes responsibility for thinking a step or two ahead. And if he can't trying to help clean up the mess so as to reintegrate the family.

Smart man M, using good judgement, awareness and understanding we are all imperfect humans, the "tread softly" application. I am thinking of dragon fly spirit. Skimming the surface, a group of people made up of unique individuals, personality traits and imperfections. Deeper-family. The family has much meaning for Polynesians. In watching the "Laughing Samoans" there is a long piece titled "Different Cultures", about a Samoan man with a "palangi" or white woman. It is interesting, because he is trying to explain what a Polynesian family is like in comparison to a Caucasian family. A lot of it rings true for Hawaiians. Family is everything. They are great riddlers and jokers, and if one did not know the love behind it, one would feel insulted. Hawaiians will make fun and laugh and joke, it is done well intended, but really, they are teaching with this, too. It is said, comedians are very intelligent people, they see the lighter side of life. Maybe that is key, to see the lighter side, of our FOO, or those who abused us.
Would nor Viktor Frankl agree?

Except it feels so naked to reach out from love to somebody who hates you and wishes to destroy you. And has always tried. This is a strength and purity which I may have, but have not come into. To love somebody that hates you and tries to destroy you, still.

Yes. What a worthy goal. To be for the rest of my life what is in my heart to do. Towards others and myself.

Yes, to believe in ourselves, and believe in others. "Crabbing". Over estimating, over rating, realists being idealists. What a concept. To recognize "the "spark" of search for meaning, to presuppose it and elicit it from others. To think that if we just recognize it- helps them become what they are in principle, capable of becoming. So instead of branding people with what they have done, or are doing, to see this spark in them. Doesn't that apply to our dcs? Not that we will go back to enabling, but instead of constant fret and worry, we see their spark, and their search for meaning? Tread softly, change the thought pattern, change the conversational pattern.
For our FOO, as well. Those left of our FOO.

To come to find the meaning of it all,
before we move on from this earthly realm.

Radical acceptance, to see all things this way.
To envision the spark in everyone.

Wouldn't that be a peaceful ending and beginning.

leafy

 

[Copabanana]

That was a beautiful post, and wise, and informative, too. I learned a lot. I will revisit it later but have to go out now.

She will know of her trespass, and, perhaps do better next time.
In so, you are not judging her, you are using good judgement in preserving the relationship.

This is very good sense. Helping others to learn and to protect the relationship. Her and myself, too. Maybe I should have shared the little iron with her. And kept one. Maybe that is the lesson here. I am still coming from lack with respect to things, as well as love.

I need to work on my buying more intensely from this vantage point. My buying fits the definition of a symptom. In psychology, a symptom both gratifies and punishes at the same time. I express my lack and desire to fill it, but punish myself doing so. Financially. My house, filled with junk I do not want or need. A sense of shame that I am out of control.

I see my own limits clearly with M's family. With them, it seems like there is one crisis after another. I judge. Never in my life did I believe I was a judgmental person, but I am.

I keep seeing how each of them creates their quicksand, I mean, just shovels it in.

And M says: We have our own quicksand. And looks around to the house and all of the residue of uncontrolled spending and still I am doing more. And I get his point.

COPA

 

[BusynMember]

my sister had a need to dominate.

Mine too. And demean at least one of us. My brother, grandmother and I have all been victims of that. This is part of feeling artificially strong and powerful.

 

[Copabanana]

This is part of feeling artificially strong and powerful.

They call that: "Kick the dog." I guess my sister thinks I am the dog. I want to be a boxer, I think. Like my baby Dolly. Except I do not want to get cancer.

Except now that I am Germany, I think I want to be a northern 'breed, like a Husky, M's favorite breed.

Did you know that some theories say that the northern breeds descended from wolves, not from jackals like all of the rest of dogs. That makes them have a fraternal rather than hierarchical social structure. They choose to be loyal, to cooperate and to please their owner, rather than purely obey. They do not cower. And they always want to do what they want. They never lose their independence. All of this I read. I have remembered it 45 years, it made such an impression.

So I will be a male Husky and marry my baby Dolly. She is so beautiful. Then I will bite my sister.

COPA

 

[New Leaf]

That was a beautiful post, and wise, and informative, too. I learned a lot. I will revisit it later but have to go out now.

I think I was feeling a bit profound this morning, full of ideas of dragon fly spirit and going deeper. I don't know Copa, I think it is the holidays and trying to feel thankful and in the mean time continuing to search for ways to cope with all that is going on. I am still struggling to get out of the cocoon myself.
"Kulia i ka nu'u"
"Strive for the highest"
I am not there. I want to be. I guess that is part of the answer, the striving for it.
I am way down the bottom of the mountain.

The wisdom is not mine, it is what I have learned from you and Cedar, and so many folks here.
Feeling, where is Feeling? I hope you are okay Feeling, I worry when you do not post.

This is very good sense. Helping others to learn and to protect the relationship. Her and myself, too. Maybe I should have shared the little iron with her. And kept one. Maybe that is the lesson here. I am still coming from lack with respect to things, as well as love.

Aren't we all lacking? Who can love with the purity of the greats? I am lacking as well, struggling from day to day, even moment to moment.

I need to work on my buying more intensely from this vantage point. My buying fits the definition of a symptom. In psychology, a symptom both gratifies and punishes at the same time. I express my lack and desire to fill it, but punish myself doing so. Financially. My house, filled with junk I do not want or need. A sense of shame that I am out of control.

Who is ever in control? I am in the doldrums sitting here clicking away on my computer when I need to get up and clean my house. I stayed home today, my stomach has been giving me problems.
I think I am exhibiting physically, what I refuse to admit, that the weight of everything takes a heavy toll on me. Trying to be strong, yet not achieving it. Searching within myself through posting.

I hope I am not coming off as pompous, I am sorry if I do. I have not reached the goal, far from it.

I see my own limits clearly with M's family. With them, it seems like there is one crisis after another. I judge. Never in my life did I believe I was a judgmental person, but I am.

Copa, how can we reach having good judgement about people, things, situations, without first being judgmental? It is a fine line. When the hubs cousins have parties, they lock away their possessions, knowing that some of the family coming, steal things. Do they not have to judge first, in order to do so, to take steps to protect their belongings?

I had to look up what Frankl was talking about
Idealism vs Realism
Idealism-any of various systems of thought in which the objects of knowledge are held to be in some way dependent on the activity of mind.
Realism-the attitude or practice of accepting a situation as it is and being prepared to deal with it accordingly.
Is realism the "it is what it is" and idealism, "if I think this, then it can become something else?"

I keep seeing how each of them creates their quicksand, I mean, just shovels it in.

Realism, I see this with Hubs and my family. Shoveling. Older cousins in their mid 70's, housing their adult
d cs- drug using in their 50's. I see this and say to myself "I do not want this for my future as an elderly parent." They are probably looking at us and saying "How can you turn your daughter away?" Huh.

And M says: We have our own quicksand. And looks around to the house and all of the residue of uncontrolled spending and still I am doing more. And I get his point.

We all have our own quicksand. Some days I find myself sinking in it, others I seem to be coming out of it, heading towards solid ground.
This morning, feeling giddy and light with Frankls elegance and intelligence, saying to myself, "Yes this is it, this is my answer to my troubles with Attilla, my d cs, my attitude towards them."

It is much more difficult to put to practice.

This evening, feeling as if I have overstepped in even posting my thoughts here and in the SU forum.
I do not want to be a hypocrite. I am trying desperately to find a meaning to all of this.

I do want to reach the point where I do not struggle daily with my thoughts and feelings, the yin and yang of it. But I still do. I still have to say quick prayers and reminders to myself to keep my head up out of the quicksand of it all.

I do try my best to keep the devastation of what has happened to my d cs in the back of my mind, trying desperately not to go down the path with them.

Aspiring to find my own way, trying to have a joy filled existence despite it all.

Life is complicated. Is it because I make it so?
Some moments it feels simple.
Some moments not so simple.

leafy

 

[Copabanana]

I am like you. When I assume too much power or capacity, I feel shame.It is like who do you think you are? It is my mother's voice.

When the hubs cousins have parties, they lock away their possessions, knowing that some of the family coming, steal things. Do they not have to judge first, in order to do so, to take steps to protect their belongings?

Looked at this way, you have to evaluate a situation, the risks and how to handle it responsibly. This implies flexibility. Responding.

To me, judgment implies an inflexibility. Looking down from on high. Believing you know or do better. That is what I do not want to do. Because we are all in this together.

I am better served by looking at somebody and trying to figure out how I am like them. Or if I feel they are in trouble, when I have done such, and what in me is like they are. Not better. Not on high.

"Yes this is it, this is my answer to my troubles with Attilla, my d cs, my attitude towards them."

It is much more difficult to put to practice

Well, don't you think it should be? This isn't a recipe or a paint by number. It is real life.

We are changing ways of thinking that we may have had for 50 or in my case, 60 years. I would want it to be hard, because I do not want to flip flop with my essential identity and how I understand myself and my life. My values or deeply held beliefs. I want there to be resistance and working through. That way I do not have to be afraid of changing, because I would have examined everything many times over, to see if it fits.

That is why posting helps me. In each response I try on an attitude, a belief, a course of action.

Try not to be so hard on yourself.

COPA

 

[New Leaf]

Mine too. And demean at least one of us. My brother, grandmother and I have all been victims of that. This is part of feeling artificially strong and powerful.

Were the sisters born this way? Was it birth order, intrinsic personality traits? Could it have been different, if it was squelched? I do not remember it being squelched, is it my perspective in my memory of what happened, that the onus was on me to "just ignore it?" Like Cedars Mom "Just don' t think Cedar", but the message I got was "Just don't feel, Leafy"
Huh

They call that: "Kick the dog." I guess my sister thinks I am the dog. I want to be a boxer, I think. Like my baby Dolly. Except I do not want to get cancer.

Kick the dog. Don't dogs have a pack order? Alpha. Were our sisters trying to establish themselves as alpha?

Except now that I am Germany, I think I want to be a northern 'breed, like a Husky, M's favorite breed.

I am Switzerland, so I will be a Bernese Mountain Dog.

The Bernese mountain dog is an easygoing, calm family companion (that is, after it leaves its adolescent stage). It is sensitive, loyal and extremely devoted. It is gentle with children and often reserved with strangers. It generally gets along well with other dogs and pets.
I am pretty good with strangers, like my mom, people just come up to me and start talking, like they know me.
I digress.

Did you know that some theories say that the northern breeds descended from wolves, not from jackals like all of the rest of dogs. That makes them have a fraternal rather than hierarchical social structure. They choose to be loyal, to cooperate and to please their owner, rather than purely obey. They do not cower. And they always want to do what they want. They never lose their independence.

This sounds very appropriate for you Copa. Huskies are awesome, and I would have another in a heartbeat, but feel it is really too warm here for them.

We had a husky pup for a short time, she fell ill, allergic reaction, after receiving her shots , then crossed the rainbow bridge,
She talked, she said clearly "I love you". And "Hello". I miss her. Tootsie.

Ahem.

So I will be a male Husky and marry my baby Dolly. She is so beautiful. Then I will bite my sister.

Will it be a nip, or a big bite?






I was bit by a German Shepard named "Pal" (of all things) when I was 8. I needed 28 stitches. "Pal" was my Moms best friends dog.
Ouch.

Copa you are too, funny.


I see myself drifting in and out of loving Attilla but despising her actions and ways. One fighting over the other, "I shall change how I speak with her," to "Why should I have to change what I am, for her sake? Weren't you doing that your whole life Leafy?"

I have this same battle going on in my mind about my d c's.

I guess it is the ebb and tide of life, the moon phases, how my day went. Or is it hormones?
I wish I could be more constant. Dang hot flashes.

Maybe it is this "crabbing" Frankl is talking of.

Except, I will look at it as a sailboat traveling upwind to its destination,having to zig-zag and tack.
Instead of the plane fighting the crosswinds by drawing the course above the mark,
I am zig and zagging to get to the goal of radical acceptance.


Zig- idealism, zag-realism.

Big ZAG

I was looking up sibling rivalry and emotional abuse, and I found myself really, really angry at Attilla, again.
http://outofthefog.net/Relationships/SiblingAbuse.html

Then I said to myself "Leafy, you have every right to feel angry and sad, these things really did happen to you."

And they did. Not to the extent some have suffered. But I was very uncomfortable as a child and teen, nay say, miserable in my own home. I did not like myself, I thought there was something wrong with me.

Then Attilla began to seek my friendship when I was in my twenties. But, it was still on her terms.
Then later on.......
She talked much about our family when my dad was ill, how she did not like that we didn't communicate, that things seemed superficial, that mom never looked at the whole picture, always covering over things with the 50s "keep your sunny side up, smile though your heart is breaking attitude."


She described it as so Stepford Wives.
(By the way, I thought this clip was perfect, because everyone is talking about holidays, and how we are affected.)

My mom is not a fake, prejudice or superficial person.

Really, maybe my mom had achieved radical acceptance? She is even-keeled and giving. She is Attillas biggest backer, accepting her for who she is, explaining away her idiosyncrasies.

Loving her.

At the time, of my dads illness, (when sister Attilla insisted he be shipped in to the city causing mom and brother to drive so far to visit) she wanted us to work things out, be a noisy family, talk it over, yell, fight, to be "real".

Big ZAG- realistic- We would talk over the phone and we became "close", or so I thought.
All along she was triangulating, drawing me closer to her, and speaking against my brother and sister, even my mom. "I am right", she would say. "They don't want to confront the Dr.s, so I will. I will be Dad's advocate."
Huh. I was Switzerland, trying to smooth things over between everybody, and making excuses for Attilla.

Bam, hit me over the head with that one.


Now, she has come full circle, she doesn't really want to talk about things, be real, have people say what they feel.
Well we can, as long as the mindset and conversation suits her. Huh. Even if I am sorrowful over my moms condition, my getting upset and expressing myself offends her, my tears are not allowed.

We have come back to "Just don't feel, Leafy"



So BIG ZIG-
I have decided to hold back that part of myself, for now.
What is the sense of it? Knowing that it gets me nowhere?

Is that a zig or a zag?



Maybe it is a zag-realist.

I do not know anymore.

What makes the sisters this way?

How do I preserve and maintain relationship, or even, should I?

Zig-zag, zig, zag
One day I will know the answer.

For now, I will keep on sailing upwind.

Thanks for letting me vent, or rant,
or bark.

WOOF!

Leafy

 

[BusynMember]

Were the sisters born this way? Was it birth order, intrinsic personality traits? Could it have been different, if it was squelched? I do not remember it being squelched, is it my perspective in my memory of what happened, that the onus was on me to "just ignore it?" Like Cedars Mom "Just don' t think Cedar", but the message I got was "Just don't feel, Leafy"
Huh

I thik it would have been way different for all of us if our parents, like parents who UNDERSTAND what family means, would have taught us that siblings love one another and support one another. I don't remember my mom ever bringing my siblings to one of my many successful drama performances so that they could be proud of me and see me being successful. Ever. I never went to my brother or sisters anythings. I'm, not sure if they were in any activities.

When I was little and teased my sister, to me my mother should have put a firm stop to it. "She is your sister! You are bigger! You are to love your sister, she is part of our family." Never heard it. Heard lots of criticism of my sister so I'm sure she did of me, in my case into adulthood.I see my sister asking my mom for assitance and my mother walking back and forth with the phone in her hand, ignoring her, gossipping with my grandmother.She didn't care if we were unkind to one another, not as little kids and not as adults, and she would participate in bashing and gossip into adulthood. It was destined.

I don't think any of this needed to happen. This one I put on our parents and the divide/conquer factor in our families of origin. I would never listen to any of my kids bashing a sibling. We are a close unit, in general, with Bart being the only one who is a bit distant from his siblings, by his location and vast age differences and choice. But he is not into bashing a family member to me. I don't think he feels ill toward anyone.

 

[Copabanana]

I am going to switch directions a bit but I think this comment best fits on this thread.

My hair is a mess. I have not cut it in 4 years at least. Since before the last time I went to Brasil. It was long then. Now it is below waist length. I have not colored it in that time. Even before that time, I hardly did so except for the time I lived in South America.

I loved it colored. But I am now 10 years older. I question if I can still do so, gracefully.

My present look is not a look I have chosen or cultivated. I think of it as my Howard Hughes period. If you do not remember, his hair (and fingernails) became very long, when he had retreated to his Las Vegas penthouse in the last years of his life, never leaving and apparently paranoid.

That I dwell on my hair is not out of an overweening vanity or sense of self-importance. First, there is the issue of functionality and maintenance. My hair is very thick and very fine. So it tangles easily. If I do not brush or comb it every day (which takes a half an hour) it tangles and mats. Even after sleeping, and in a pony tail, it will mat and tangle. In just one night. I tend to let it go if I can. Thus my current mess.

As you know I have not been leaving the house much, and choose not to look in the mirror. So, after a week of almost not leaving the house, my hair is a rat's nest.

The idea of cutting it came up last night. M and his sister both suggested she cut my hair so it is more manageable.

So enter, Miuccia Prada of Prada fame. I identify a lot with her. And I admire her. She is highly educated and artistic. She disdains fashion but has a highly personal style.

The mistake many older women make is this, she has said: As they age they seek to tame themselves. Instead they should become more wild. While I do not think she had in mind, my rastafarian locks, I want to follow her lead.

So, I looked at her hair. She is about my age. What does she do with her hair? She dyes it a honey colored blonde. It seems as she has aged the last few years it has gotten even lighter. Without highlights. It is actually a bit jarring. It is almost yellow.

If I had decided to color I was likely going to go as does Barbra Streisand, which is honey blonde, with champagne beige highlights. Barbra, who is older than Miuccia and I, has gone lighter as she has aged, as Miuccia did.

So, where am I going with this: I am talking about identity and what it means to choose an identity upon entering old age.

I think in the course of this post I have decided to cut my hair some. Why make life so hard? My hair, not well maintained over these past few years is nothing to cherish. It is time to start over. So done deal. I will let M's sister cut it. No issue there. As I break out more and more of my cocoon, I will go to a classy stylist in a big city.

But coloring, that is another question. Appearance is very important to me. I always ceded this to my mother. She needed to be the beautiful one.

I was an attractive girl and woman. I did not own it. I want to now.

My sister I think is in a similar place. Not as attractive as my mother or I, she seems, too to have a strong desire for beauty, as she ages. She too was not able to claim her attractiveness as a younger woman. More and more, she is. Especially with respect to voluptuousness, bordering on the inappropriate.

She very adamantly colors her hair. I would say it does not match with her age. That is what I fear. Young hair. Old face. Not a look I want.

Remember she told me the last time she saw me: your hair is aging. It was not colored in a pony tail.

The reality is: I am aging. My hair is my hair.

My attitude has been to embrace my grey these last years. Accept it.

But I want to choose.

Like Miuccia Prada. I want to choose. I do not want to accept anything. I want to look as beautiful as I can. Not young. Not old. Just as beautiful as I can be. And as me as I can be.

I want to choose "wild" not tame.

I am now understanding that I want to color my hair.

I think I will choose a warm light honey blonde, with champagne highlights, Like Barbra.

And I will not worry about it. I will consider my hair a renewable resource. Like bamboo. If I do not like it, I will dye it until I find a color I like. Or I will grow it out again. No problem.

That is what "wild" means to me. It means trying and experimenting and moving through. Not feeling stuck or bound to accept anything. It means flexibility. Not role. Not the role of an old person.

I think that is why Miuccia Prada has slightly off-putting yellowish hair.

I will go for my own version. But first I will cut my hair, to simplify my life.

Thank you ladies. You've helped me immeasurably.

COPA

 

[New Leaf]

Hi Serenity
I am hope you are feeling better, through your posts, you seem well on your way to recovering fully.

I don't think any of this needed to happen. This one I put on our parents and the divide/conquer factor in our families of origin. I would never listen to any of my kids bashing a sibling. We are a close unit, in general, with Bart being the only one who is a bit distant from his siblings, by his location and vast age differences and choice. But he is not into bashing a family member to me. I don't think he feels ill toward anyone.

I was the same with my kids, no bashing. They tell me they fought when they were older, when I wasn't around. I suppose kids will be kids.

We were raised with the old adage; "Children are better seen, than heard." We did things together as a family, but the day to day, even whole summers, we were pretty much left to our own devices.

I do not remember much my Mom gossiping, she would always tell us "Don't be catty."

I think in those days, there was not much in the way of organized sports and activities like there are now. We could venture around the neighborhood without restriction. Maybe that is where my sister developed her dominance. The thing of it is, Mom and Dad would kind of leave it up to us to "work it out."

I think they were trying to teach us to get along, by letting us "duke" it out on her own, does that make any sense? The times back then, we were left to entertain ourselves. "Turn the tv off and go outside". Maybe it is because Attilla had and has such a strong personality, the squeaky wheel gets the oil, concept.

Most of my difficulty growing up, was because of my sisters need to domineer. I really do not think my parents had any idea what was going on. They were closing their eyes to it?
In reading about sibling abuse, many parents do not see it as such. In fact, sibling bullying is only recently being written about. Huh.

I am wanting to resolve all of this stuff in my mind. To find a better way. The old feelings come up when I speak with her.
I have gone a bit no contact, but for Moms sake, want to get along.
It is the least I can do for Mom in her last years, or months, or what ever it turns out to be?

I am dealing with too many issues, d c's, Mom ill, hubs ill. It all seems to pile up into a mountain at times.
Sigh.

And then,

I watched a piece on Syrian refugees landing on a beach in Greece, my troubles seem to pale in comparison, to others suffering.

"There by the grace of God, go I"
Moms favorite saying.

I see,( despite of your description of your FOO), that you have come out of it a fine person. Your posts are kind, caring and genuine.

I really enjoyed your thread "Embrace the Mat."

In martial arts, you try to stay on your feet, but often find yourself on the mat. Embrace the mat. Don't get angry at it or yourself. It is a challenge to try again and do better. A reminder. A necessity. Instead of avoiding or hiding from your opponent, face him. Grab his hand. Don't take the passive approach yet don't be angry. We can do this. Fear causes panic and fear of others. Reach out, but in our minds. No active aggression.

It is similar to surfing. It takes a lot of energy and strength to paddle out through the surf. It is a real struggle when the waves are good sized. Then, you position yourself to catch a wave. It is exhilarating to ride waves, but, you are not surfing, if you don't "eat it" every once and a while. You are tossed into the ocean, tumbling every which way, running out of breath, scratching to the surface, desperate for air. In order to surf, one must embrace the fact that you will get some real good "cracks" from the ocean. I still love the ocean, and surfing.

I will embrace my past and my FOO. I would not be ME if they had not been THEM. I like who I am so there is good in learning to deal with chronic maltreatment and being belittled. I really believe that.

I would imagine that in martial arts, one is hitting the mat even more than someone eating it in surfing. Plus we land in water. So many variables. I guess what I am trying to say, is that dang SWOT, your childhood was much rougher than mine. I admire your tenacity.
Perhaps dealing with maltreatment and belittling made you the wise soul you are today, having much empathy and fellow feeling for others. It does not take away the pain of it.

I am glad you survived the misery of it and still are growing and thriving, you have come through it.

You are a good example of what humans can become, our potential.

Hope you are healing better every day

Thank you Serenity.
(((HUGS)))
leafy

 

[New Leaf]

I think that is why Miuccia Prada has slightly off-putting yellowish hair.

I will go for my own version. But first I will cut my hair, to simplify my life.

Thank you ladies. You've helped me immeasurably.

Hey Copa, did you know the in thing for young women is to dye their hair gray?

hah! Just think of that.
I have been gray for years now, started as a 'Cruella" streak, just as 101 Dalmatians made a comeback in the early "90's. I resisted dying, until my girls started teasing me and calling me Cruella. Uh, uh, wasn't going through that. So, I dyed my hair for a few years. Salt water and hair dye do not get along well. My hair got a lot thinner fast. I thought "hmmm bald or gray", so gray it was and is.

You could look up styles on the web. Lots of info there.

That is what "wild" means to me. It means trying and experimenting and moving through. Not feeling stuck or bound to accept anything. It means flexibility. Not role. Not the role of an old person.

I like this wildness-good for you. Be what you wish, do not be stuffed into a category.

I am liking my pixie cut, need to shape it though. Heck, I might even put a streak of color in it, pink, or red. hah!

You go girl. Be you.
Let us know what you decide. Good bye rasta, hello Copa!

Roar
leafy

 

[BusynMember]

In reading about sibling abuse, many parents do not see it as such. In fact, sibling bullying is only recently being written about. Huh.

Yes, it is new. Maybe that is partly why Sis is still angry at 50 on the wrong side. I don't know. I did bully her AS A CHILD and was allowed to. And she bullied brother AND WAS ALLOWED TO. Her bullying went to her 30's of my brother, but I'm done telling that story.

In our house nobody paid any attention to what was going on and I don't think much thought was given to parenting strategies. But we were NOT allowed to wander around the neightborhood. My mother would have a heart attack if she didn't' know where we were. Maybe that was her only way of showing she must have cared a little at one time. But I think it was control as she was a control freak. "You go only where I say you can and you'd beter tell me where you are." Who knows?
I feel good not caring much about the "why" anymore.
Thanks again to my Chronicle staples at the time, Cedar the Wonderful and Copa the Fantastic
I love all the latecomers too and am glad so many feel we can openly discuss our horrible childhoods.

 

[Copabanana]

Hey Copa, did you know the in thing for young women is to dye their hair gray?

Yes. I did. That was my plan for the past year or two, to stay grey. Or kind of Ashy with silver. Nobody liked it when I called myself Iron Grey.

So, what I will do is cut my hair first and see how I feel, keep losing weight and working on good habits, and then I can choose. Either Miuccia/Barbra blonde or COPA natural.

Thank you New Leaf. I like your style. A hairstyle that is saucy, liberating and goes with your lifestyle. Freeing you to live as you want. Something to be considered. Because I hate going to the hair dresser. Why would I consider a color that requires such maintenance? Let alone expense. It does not make much sense.

I will see what evolves. Thank you. That in itself is liberating.

PS That woman is lovely.

COPA

 

[New Leaf]

I call my hair "silver" letting the word roll slowly off my tongue.
Thou shall not call me gray.

Yes the woman is lovely.

Cutting my hair was very freeing.
I just go to Supercuts.
leafy

 

[Copabanana]

I just go to Supercuts.

The late fifties woman I met last week in the thrift store, had the cutest pixie cut. She was grey. She looked just adorable. She was the Hells Angel. She said she went to Supercuts, and they had a standard pixie cut. So anybody could cut her hair. She just told them she wanted a "pixie." I can't imagine anything cuter than how she looked. And she knew it. I loved that.

My mother had short hair for all of her adult life I remember. It totally suited her because she was striking and glamorous. Also her coloring was striking. She looked good in black and white. Her hair became silver, not mousy. Unfortunately mine is mousy, I think, but M and his sister think it is pretty, and looks highlighted with silver.

When I mentioned I might cut mine so that I would look like my mother. So she could be close to me when I looked in the mirror, Cedar became concerned. So concerned she told her D H. And dearly, they are watching so that I do not fall into a my mother/myself drowning pool.

These decisions are loaded. I want to be myself, like Miuccia Prada, not half in the grave trying to keep my mother with me.

I had a very short cut for part of the time I was in South America. It was adorable. I had it short when I was in Argentina. The thing is that it is high maintenance for me because I have to get it cut every 4 weeks to look good. And I went somewhere expensive. Who needs that? Supercuts is the only thing that makes sense with short hair.

I am the happiest with a ponytail. Well, that was clearly said.

Thank you for working this through with me, Leafy. I am grateful. Thank you.

COPA