Drugs, normal teen crap and life in Limbo

[Littleboylost]

Well it goes and so it goes. AS is staying close to home and if he isn’t here he is spending time with his new found girlfriend. Pardon me if I don’t get too close or excited about the girl. He has had 5 GFs in the past 2 years.

He goes to school and is late at times. We have covered the late issues last week by calling in and we have said we will not do it this week. He does attend and is on time the rest of the day.

I do not enjoy being around my son as it triggers too much PTSD and I struggle with this. I know it is because we are in a holding pattern ....again waiting for Rehab bed. He had his on site assessment this week and the drive to and from was a challenge. More so the drive there than back. This is to be expected, the fear of the unknown, the anticipation and the anxiety.

He is remaining relatively clean has admitted he has smoked pot and drank on the weekends. Clearly why he likes to spend time at the girlfriends house. We are out of drug testing kits and are on back order for them....clearly a product in high demand. Although new GFs mother is a police officer she appears to be very liberal with her daughter and allows her underage kids to drink and smoke pot. This is so annoying to me. This is also a mother of who took her not quit 17 year old daughter to see our son in Jail, nice. And they had only been dating for a few weeks!

I am frustrated that son does not take accountability for his belongings. Does not clean his room and bathroom as requested. I am so tired of this battle. I get that these are normal teen boy issues and I know they are compounded here by my sons drug issues. Still frustrating all the same.

He can’t simply have a free reign, scraping by doing less than the bare minimum....yet here we are.

We are going away for 10 days to Mexico. I can’t wait. We are so needing this break. We have had to hire a minder for son and I also find this annoying. At his age I was independent on my own and in my second year of nursing school. Husband was in Engineering College while living at home and working by this age.

I simply want this time to go like a sling shot and I want to wake up with son in rehab and see some progress. I can’t change the limbo but oh how I wish I could.

 

[BusynMember]

I thought son was at your house because of your good will.

Rehab is not a magic cure where the addict spends time there, gets it, and quits forever. Many people just do it to get out of jail or to shut up the family and once they get out they go right back to drugging. Not trying to be negative, but its about how much the person wants sobriety and what is at stake if the person doesnt. What do they stand to lose? Being sober, in of itself, is often not enough. My son's birthmom was in rehab eleven times before she had Sonic, but she still gave birth to him passing along the crack in her system to him, a baby, her fifth drug affected baby.

Maybe son needs you to crack the whip. I would not want somebody who went to jail in my house while visiting this girlfriend, who he is attached to and whose family does not value sobriety. Tell him, if you want, that while he is staying with you he has to stay clean and stay home. No girlfriend...she and Mom sound toxic to his sobriety. No harm reduction mindset. Harm reduction is no drugs while sleeping in your house. He does not seem to get it that he has to try to quit...or there are consequences. Jail. No more support. Homelessness maybe. This girl is 16. He isnt going to marry her and her mother wont shield him forever. He needs to have motivation to not use drugs.

Then tell his baby sitter, as we call them, the rules. And go have fun.

Or you can decide to take yourself completely out of it. Let him do what he wants. See who he wants.Try to find ways to stop stressing. What he does or doesn't do is not in your hands. In a sad sense, it is none of your business.

Only do what you can handle emotionally. Try not to be too attached to the outcome. At least this time. He is on a journey...he is young. He needs to find his own way. You need to find yours, apart from his.

I am sorry it is so stressful. It sounds very hard. I think it is harder when they are with us at an age when most are out. And even worse when they have issues that we wish we could fix.

Try hard to keep busy and interact with Son as you can do so without making yourself crazy.

"This too shall pass."

 

[Littleboylost]

"This too shall pass."

Thanks SWOT.
I agree it is the conundrum. I too don’t really want him here the way he is behaving. However he can’t be on the streets or he will be back in jail. And you are correct I only have so much energy to dedicate to minding him. He is compliant with school and curfew Mon to Sun and I can’t be his rehab.

For now until the rehab bed is available it is what it is. As frustrating as that is.

He will be entering a long term rehab program 6 months minimum. His 2 goes at out patient intensive rehab were a joke and I believe the same would happen to him in a 30/60 or even 90 day program.

Let’s hope long term rehab and third time is the charm. He is court mandated to go and complete rehab or he will go to jail.

The annoyance of this girlfriend and her “Cop” mother, I agree they are enablers and poor choices for him. I don’t own his choices. Frankly and guiltily I don’t want to intervene because is would suck too much out of me. I tell him exactly how I feel. I also tell him exactly how I feel about his choices and indeed they are his. I also tell him I will be involved with his hearing post rehab and I have no intentions of candy coating the truth nor will I ever lie for him. He will have to deal with what he creates as a life for himself.

I agree that the motivation for him to enter rehab is scripted. However the intake officer spoke with me from his long term rehab and after her assessment she feels he is genuine in his desire for rehab and that is a big benefit. She feels if he does work the program he will succeed. She also agrees I can not be rehab for him and she said as long as he does not breach the no drugs or alcohol in the home , and not to come home blizted or under the influence to leave it at that. I am sure this is why he crashes at the GFs and it massages me to no end that this mother allows this kind of behaviour.

So the razors edge is fine, do I give him the boot because of these frustrations or do I tolerate and bide the time until he goes off to rehab. I am choosing the latter. I don’t like it but I have made that choice.

Yes this too shall pass....like a bad kidney stone.

Hubs and I fully intent to unplug and unwind. And by then by God the count down for a bed should be weeks not months.

 

[BusynMember]

You are making positive choices for YOU. Good for you!

But, yeah, waiting sucks.

 

[Enmeshedmom]

Thanks SWOT.
I agree it is the conundrum. I too don’t really want him here the way he is behaving. However he can’t be on the streets or he will be back in jail. And you are correct I only have so much energy to dedicate to minding him. He is compliant with school and curfew Mon to Sun and I can’t be his rehab.

For now until the rehab bed is available it is what it is. As frustrating as that is.

He will be entering a long term rehab program 6 months minimum. His 2 goes at out patient intensive rehab were a joke and I believe the same would happen to him in a 30/60 or even 90 day program.

Let’s hope long term rehab and third time is the charm. He is court mandated to go and complete rehab or he will go to jail.

The annoyance of this girlfriend and her “Cop” mother, I agree they are enablers and poor choices for him. I don’t own his choices. Frankly and guiltily I don’t want to intervene because is would suck too much out of me. I tell him exactly how I feel. I also tell him exactly how I feel about his choices and indeed they are his. I also tell him I will be involved with his hearing post rehab and I have no intentions of candy coating the truth nor will I ever lie for him. He will have to deal with what he creates as a life for himself.

I agree that the motivation for him to enter rehab is scripted. However the intake officer spoke with me from his long term rehab and after her assessment she feels he is genuine in his desire for rehab and that is a big benefit. She feels if he does work the program he will succeed. She also agrees I can not be rehab for him and she said as long as he does not breach the no drugs or alcohol in the home , and not to come home blizted or under the influence to leave it at that. I am sure this is why he crashes at the GFs and it massages me to no end that this mother allows this kind of behaviour.

So the razors edge is fine, do I give him the boot because of these frustrations or do I tolerate and bide the time until he goes off to rehab. I am choosing the latter. I don’t like it but I have made that choice.

Yes this too shall pass....like a bad kidney stone.

Hubs and I fully intent to unplug and unwind. And by then by God the count down for a bed should be weeks not months.

When my son was 15 there was a message in his Facebook inbox from a 13 year old girl asking him to spend the night at her house and her mom would drive him to school the next day. He responded by saying “my mom would never go for that in a million years.” And he was right, this girls mother provided drugs and alcohol to kids in her home regularly and let her date a 23 year old guy when she was 15 or 16 even let him move into their house. Realizing that there were parents out There that still did this really started to make me paranoid about where I let my kids stay over night.

 

[Littleboylost]

When my son was 15 there was a message in his Facebook inbox from a 13 year old girl asking him to spend the night at her house and her mom would drive him to school the next day. He responded by saying “my mom would never go for that in a million years.” And he was right, this girls mother provided drugs and alcohol to kids in her home regularly and let her date a 23 year old guy when she was 15 or 16 even let him move into their house. Realizing that there were parents out There that still did this really started to make me paranoid about where I let my kids stay over night.

I have always been very careful as well. Our son was raised with positive engaged parents and a lot of activities. Soccer, hockey, surfing, skate boarding, skiing and snow boarding. Music lessons as well. He was never left to hang out or left to his own devices. He went off the rails and 18 and we lost any legal control at 16 and now he is considered a full adult at 18.

I can not fathom why people are so liberal with their kids. I just do not understand it.

 

[Sam3]

I can not fathom why people are so liberal with their kids. I just do not understand it.

Because they are p{}$$ys

 

[Littleboylost]

Man what a crazy weekend. The good the bad and the ugly.

The ugly:
Our son dragged us down a rabbit hole attempting to extort money from us. The story was more pathetic and outrageous than usually, as he has tried all angles before and nothing works. It was pure hell for several hours. He then left and went to his GFs where he was perfectly well behaved and pleasant. Unreal!!

The Bad:
He berated me and then asked for me to pick him up!?? I said no walk home it will give you time to cool off. GFs mother gave him a lift home. I wish people would not interfere. We know we are not dealing with a normal brained individual here. It is so incredibly draining. All we pray is that his rehab bed is available very soon.

The Good:
We did not give in to his demands.
He was really really Pd off at us. That means we are doing something right.
He came home at curfew.
I did not bother to speak with him until this morning.
He went to school, late but he went to school.
He was clean and sober. Miserable but clean and sober.
We did not loose our and kick him out. It was so tempting to do this. We are so very exhausted.

I am so emotionally hung over from all of this drama. I am unsure of our ability to hang in until a rehab bed is available. One hour at a time today.

 

[Enmeshedmom]

Well just the fact that he came home at curfew and you didn’t lose your and kick him seems like I good sign. When my son was 16 during a big blowout he told me I was crazy, so I told him that couldn’t possibly be true because if I were crazy only one of us would be still be upright and that would be me.

 

[Littleboylost]

Well just the fact that he came home at curfew and you didn’t lose your and kick him seems like I good sign. When my son was 16 during a big blowout he told me I was crazy, so I told him that couldn’t possibly be true because if I were crazy only one of us would be still be upright and that would be me.

Last night I was told I was a piece of and that he hates me.
Well I guess if he is that mad we are doing something right.

 

[Enmeshedmom]

Last night I was told I was a piece of and that he hates me.
Well I guess if he is that mad we are doing something right.

I think the truth is that he hates that he needs you and cares so much what you think. And you are doing lots of things right in my opinion.

 

[RN0441]

LBL

Hopefully things will stay within "normal" range in a not normal situation until you can get yourself to the beaches of Mexico with a big ole margarita in your hand!

Really -- all the stress can kill us.

I think you have reasonable hope for rehab because you have read here about how many times many of our 'kids' have had to go and may still be drugging. It's not a sure all, fix all for most, especially the ones that are young.

I understand that you are steadfast in getting him into rehab rather than getting into more legal trouble. Even at the risk of having your home be the storm rather than the port in the storm.

I do so hope a bed opens up soon so you and hubby can get a much needed break from all of this drama and your son can have time to really let his head clear!

 

[Lil]

With all due respect:

However he can’t be on the streets or he will be back in jail.

How is this YOUR problem?

HE needs to toe the line! He's waiting for rehab and in YOUR custody - right? Yet he's drinking and smoking pot on the weekends? He's making demands? He's calling you horrible names?

HE stole from YOU! HE did drugs in YOUR home! HE is the one that will go to jail if he doesn't straighten up!

Heck - I KNOW how hard it is to say, "Fine! Go to jail!" I've had people tell me to be harder. Maybe I should have been. I know you are doing the best you can.

Maybe you should remind him of the above, though? If he pushes you too far...he's the one that will suffer the consequences.

Oh - and I'd so (anonymously) turn that useless excuse of a mother - much less cop - in to whoever would listen. I have ZERO tolerance for cops breaking the law. My husband works for the prison system and he called the police and had my son's friend arrested on a warrant when he was at our house! No bending of the rules - much less breaking them - when you work in law enforcement.

 

[BusynMember]

Lil, I would have given you ten stars if I could. Cops breaking the law? Endangering kids and addicts? I would put in a call.

 

[Littleboylost]

With all due respect:



How is this YOUR problem?

HE needs to toe the line! He's waiting for rehab and in YOUR custody - right? Yet he's drinking and smoking pot on the weekends? He's making demands? He's calling you horrible names?

HE stole from YOU! HE did drugs in YOUR home! HE is the one that will go to jail if he doesn't straighten up!

Heck - I KNOW how hard it is to say, "Fine! Go to jail!" I've had people tell me to be harder. Maybe I should have been. I know you are doing the best you can.

Maybe you should remind him of the above, though? If he pushes you too far...he's the one that will suffer the consequences.

Oh - and I'd so (anonymously) turn that useless excuse of a mother - much less cop - in to whoever would listen. I have ZERO tolerance for cops breaking the law. My husband works for the prison system and he called the police and had my son's friend arrested on a warrant when he was at our house! No bending of the rules - much less breaking them - when you work in law enforcement.

Thanks Lil I hear you. He is in no way tolerated for this behaviour in our home or presence. He was told to cool down or get out. He did get out and cooled down. He is suffering with drug brain and we are trying to be normal in an abnormal situation.

If I caught him with Pot or any other substance I would call the police I have called the police we have had him arrested several times.

He is out on bail waiting for a rehab bed and we are treading water here. We want him in rehab and I know that he prefers this option over prison.

It is a tough situation. If I pull his bond he goes to jail. If he ran off and came home blasted I would not hesitate to call the police. He came home sober and clean and on time and had Cooled off. It is progress and not perfection.

You are right we do what we can bare to do.

This is not an ideal situation, nor is it an ideal system we are dealing with.

If he does go off the rails he will be in prison. He can go to NA there and sort himself out.

This woman drives me nuts and I agree there should be no room for breaking laws by anyone particularly not some one in law enforcement. We have had meddling mothers before as my son (as most addicts do) tells a great take of woe. When they have taken him in it has never lasted more than 3 days. Re this cop/mom I can report her but not anonimosly. And I do not have any hard evidence. Just hearsay. Given my engagement with this woman I do not doubt one bit that she is allowing this behaviour at her house.

I would love to forbid him to see this girl but they go to school together and second I have no energy to cope with that drama.

 

[Lil]

You are right we do what we can bare to do.

I know! I truly, truly know!

The last time our son was put out of our home, he stole from us. We told him when we let him in, if so much as a CD goes missing, we'll call the police.

$700 went missing.

I did not call the police.

Why? Partly because it was cash and impossible to prove. Mostly, because I couldn't bear it. I told him to leave. He left. I thank God it was cash. Had it been credit or guns or anything else of significance...I'd have had him arrested.

Heck, months later we actually bailed him out when after an argument that became physical my husband did call the police and we discovered he had a warrant for failing to do his community service on an unrelated matter. Husband only wanted the police to diffuse the situation. He didn't want him in jail. So we bailed him out and I even represented him to get him out of trouble.

So I know - truly - how unbearable this is.

We do what we can do and still keep our hearts intact.

 

[Littleboylost]

I know! I truly, truly know!

The last time our son was put out of our home, he stole from us. We told him when we let him in, if so much as a CD goes missing, we'll call the police.

$700 went missing.

I did not call the police.

Why? Partly because it was cash and impossible to prove. Mostly, because I couldn't bear it. I told him to leave. He left. I thank God it was cash. Had it been credit or guns or anything else of significance...I'd have had him arrested.

Heck, months later we actually bailed him out when after an argument that became physical my husband did call the police and we discovered he had a warrant for failing to do his community service on an unrelated matter. Husband only wanted the police to diffuse the situation. He didn't want him in jail. So we bailed him out and I even represented him to get him out of trouble.

So I know - truly - how unbearable this is.

We do what we can do and still keep our hearts intact.

Thanks for this share Lil. It has been a tough day. Trying Keep on with normal daily activities and it’s tough.

 

[RN0441]

I think we all know what we SHOULD do. But doing it is another story.

We worry no matter what we do!

 

[New Leaf]

Hi LBL,

He then left and went to his GFs where he was perfectly well behaved and pleasant. Unreal!!

Oh boy. Of course he is well behaved there, he gets what he wants. Sigh. It is horrible that this woman who represents the law, has become a place of "refuge" for your son. The good guy who "understands" him. Balderdash. What a crock of . A big ole pile of it.

He was clean and sober. Miserable but clean and sober.

Dry addict behavior. I am sorry that you are going through this. Hopefully a bed opens up soon. That, in itself is sad, that there is "no room in the inn." Epidemic proportions of the disease.

I am so emotionally hung over from all of this drama.

Ouch, Lbl. Been there, done that, and it is so hard. I hope you are able to get some time for yourself. Even if it is a long soak in a tub, a cup of tea, favorite music, time to exercise. It is so important to destress.

Last night I was told I was a piece of and that he hates me.

BAH! Toddler tantrum. I am sorry, it still hurts. If only he knew what you and your hubs are giving up during this time, to try to help him get to the straight and narrow. Sanity, drug free. He is young. Hopefully, that bed will open up soon and you and hubs can have some peace of mind. Till then, hang in there and keep building your toolbox.

(((HUGS)))
Leafy

 

[Littleboylost]

I think the truth is that he hates that he needs you and cares so much what you think. And you are doing lots of things right in my opinion.

EM
Thanks. I tend to agree with you. The more he rages at us the more I see that it is his conscience eating away at him. Counting the days until the next phase of this parental journey begins. One day at a time.