Evening guest - Sheriff! Oh boy!

[DoneDad]

Well, a detective called Difficult Child and, after talking to sperm donor, he is now being considered the victim and Difficult Child is the suspect. He had scratches and witnesses (?) so they say he's more believable.

This is from Difficult Child, but from what she says the cop was saying she was going to be arrested and lose custody of Z. wife is very upset by all this as she has really bonded with Z.

If the guy had scratches they were self-inflicted, and his "witnesses" are probably his family members he's getting to lie for him.

Difficult Child gets involved with dirtbags, then keeps getting surprised when they act like dirtbags.

So anyhow I guess we're getting ready for another visit by the police.

 

[BusynMember]

If only his relatives are witnesses, it may not stand. But your daughter needs to learn to stay away from Z's sperm donor. Why is she even engaging him?

At any rate, maybe you can get your daughter to sign guardianship of this child to you and your wife. Maybe they will allow that if daughter will leave. It is better than foster care.

Sounds like the poor kid is being used as a pawn by these two (cough) adults who don't understand how serious raising a child is. I don't blame only sperm donor. I always held my own kids accountable for what they did as they have free will to do with and associate with whom they choose.She did not have to make a baby with a dirtbag and is not acting uber-responsible herself. The pick 'em (not just your daughter, but all of our troubled darlings) because they see something in them that jives with them...something similar. Enticing. Exciting. It's sad, but it's on our own adult children.

I'm sorry about this mess. I hope you can eventually find a way to get some peace from it.

 

[Childofmine]

The drama just continues on and on doesn't it?

I have learned that the police generally are very discerning when it boils down to what really happened. My son has been arrested multiple times and I used to hear the tallest tales about how he was at the center of a grand conspiracy to frame him and get him in trouble. And you know, at first I actually believed him.

Now I learned over time that the police are just doing their jobs and they go where the evidence leads. When my son's girlfriend stabbed him this summer he continued to say that he did it to himself and even went to the DA to say he was at fault. They didn't believe him. She was prosecuted for aggravated domestic assault and the judge reduced it to a misdemeanor and she is on a year's probation. They were both drunk at the time.

I finally decided it didn't matter who did it and I didn't listen to any of it anymore. It was out of my hands and their hands. It was what it was.

If they are going to put themselves into these situations with these people then this type is thing is going to keep happening and they will have to live with the consequences. My son is still living with her by the way. Nothing I can do or will do about any of it. I am taking the long view.

If you can just sit with this turn of events and let it play out. Figure out what you want to do about all of it if anything.

It is just what they do. Warm hugs for you and your wife today.

 

[DoneDad]

I finally decided it didn't matter who did it and I didn't listen to any of it anymore. It was out of my hands and their hands. It was what it was.
.

Thanks for this. When Difficult Child called to tell us about this (she lives with us but wasn't home), I could see wife was going in to panic/rescue mode. I kept watching my show (The Chew), so she started to get upset with me. She asked, "Don't you even care?"

I told her, "What am I supposed to do about it?" She can drive herself crazy if she wants, but I'm done doing that. The rest of the day I wore my new "Not my circus, Not my monkeys" t-shirt, just in case anybody thought I was planning on getting involved in this latest round of nonsense.

We did get Difficult Child to write notarized letter saying that if she can't care for Z for any reason that we are the designated guardians. Really my only concern in this is keeping Z safe and secure.

We told Difficult Child sperm donor was no good from the start. She ignored us. We told her not to have unprotected sex with him. She ignored us (he didn't like using condoms). We helped her get a restraining order and only supervised visitation of Z. She ignored it. We told her not to go over to his house. She ignored us. We asked her to get child support from him (he does get some kind of government money). Nope - he wouldn't like that. Apparently, our role is to pay for everything and fix all her problems for her so she can go out and make new messes for us to clean up. I'm done doing that. Unfortunately wife isn't there yet, which is taking a toll on her physically and psychologically.

 

[PatriotsGirl]

My husband and I have temporary guardianship of our grandson while our daughter is in rehab getting better. I went to the courthouse, got the paperwork needed from the probate court office and kept the papers with me - just in case. I knew she was starting to spiral and had a feeling something would happen soon. Once she was arrested for failing her drug test, I brought the paper for her to sign to the jail and they had her sign them. Since she signed them, there was no court hearing - judge signed off; done. Had she not signed, they would have scheduled a hearing, which she would not have been able to attend, and we would have been granted guardianship. It is actually really easy to do these days...

Love the t-shirt!! Has your wife been to this site yet? It was a life saver for me for many years!!!

 

[BusynMember]

Good for you!!!!

I hope Wife joins you soon, but you can't control your wife either. You can stay detached even if Wife won't. Maybe your wife will see that she can't help this adult daughter anymore and join you and even order the Tee-shirt!!!!

 

[Childofmine]

I think you are doing great donedad. I know it's still hard, but keep moving forward.

Your wife will get it when she gets it...or she won't. I have learned to suggest things one time. After that, I'm trying to control the situation.

People are adults. They hear what we are saying. If they don't take our advice, it's either because they don't like/agree with what we said, they don't see the need right now or they can't hear us through the noise in their heads (timing).

I used to think (in my frenzy to control and fix and manage other people) that well, I guess they didn't understand what I said. So....I would say it again, in different words or louder or with more eye contact. Yeesh! What was I thinking? What arrogance I had.

I didn't see it at all, for a long, long time. I thought I was helping and I could see their problems clearer than they could.

Anyway....sigh....you know the drill. We have to unhook from them. We have to turn the bright light of change onto ourselves. The sooner we can do that, the better off everybody will be.

If your wife would sit and read this site for a couple of hours, that would give her a huge step forward on her own recovery. This site is one of my daily tools and has been for a year and a half.

When I read and write and listen, I can reinforce what I have already learned and I learn new things, new ways of thinking and behaving.

Our grown kids have a right to their own lives, their own mistakes, their own learning from those mistakes. I know other, innocent people are involved, like babies, small children, older children...and us. If we continually interrupt the cycle of learning, we rob them of the chance to learn, grow and change.

I realize the child adds another huge factor, but it appears that you have taken those necessary precautions. What else, really, can you do right now, except wear that t-shirt proudly, enjoy this Friday (TGIF!), do something nice for yourself and your wife, and let it be?

 

[Nikimoto]

Cops "knew" us, our address and names by the time our E moved out. It was embarrassing since I used to be a cop...sigh...but then again, no need to feel afraid to call for backup even as parents. Before E was even 18, after a heated exchange with his deranged principal over paying for AP exams which he had F's and such in his classes, I moved E out of his prior bedroom into the rather large entryway so as to stifle his traffic and therefore attitude through our home. We have 2 younger kids to protect from his raging and theft, so things became drastic. Also, taking the kids needs into account inspired my new use for the bedroom...it is now the toy and disney movie room, complete with our old couch. Not a bedroom anymore, and he is fully aware due to prior exchanges he is no longer welcome on the property. He turned 18 last month, and decided to disown me, so that is his bridge to rebuild.
You said her old room is all the more she is getting for herself and Z until she goes to work and rents herself an apartment, that is the best answer. You do not exist to make her life comfortable in her irresponsibility. I hope the best for your grandchild, but it is ultimately her job as his mother to want that for him. I can't even fathom grandkids and the horror if my E had any. I sort of wish I had Empirical Domain over my DNA, and could refuse to allow him to procreate. Gray reas....
Put your pursuit of happiness first, and make sure she knows her issues are not your priorities. One thing I have told my kids is that I will never bail them from jail, not even once. The enabling can be addictive. No lawyers, no free rent, I have them all they need and they don't appreciate it, so we are done for now. I have things to do which don't involve them. Things to do with my little kids, things in my free time. It sets a good example even if they try to guilt you on their stuff. Ask her to keep her head on and grow up? She can apply for gobs of public assistance, even childcare and go to work! She has it going on right now, you don't have to get anything going for her.
Good luck!

 

[DoneDad]

My husband and I have temporary guardianship of our grandson while our daughter is in rehab getting better. I went to the courthouse, got the paperwork needed from the probate court office and kept the papers with me - just in case. I knew she was starting to spiral and had a feeling something would happen soon. Once she was arrested for failing her drug test, I brought the paper for her to sign to the jail and they had her sign them. Since she signed them, there was no court hearing - judge signed off; done. Had she not signed, they would have scheduled a hearing, which she would not have been able to attend, and we would have been granted guardianship. It is actually really easy to do these days...

Love the t-shirt!! Has your wife been to this site yet? It was a life saver for me for many years!!!

I've followed your story on substance abuse - sounds like your daughter is in a real good place and that's given me a lot of hope since your story sounds very similar to ours.

 

[PatriotsGirl]

She is. Finally! It was a very long road and we are not there yet, but I do have true faith that she will come out of this a much better woman and mother. Her getting arrested was the best thing that happened for us! Truly!!

 

[Scent of Cedar *]

I sort of wish I had Empirical Domain over my DNA, and could refuse to allow him to procreate.

:O)

Cedar