I am glad that I paid for his parking ticket and his registration renewal. It is one less thing to worry about. He cannot receive mail because he is homeless. It is difficult to even write that.
Hopefully, he will just get a fix it ticket for not having a current sticker. When he goes in to renew his registration, he will find out that his car insurance and his registration renewal have been paid. It is one less thing to worry about, for him, as well as, myself.
My youngest son returned home from his college trip. I sleep better, but I still wake up at night screaming.
It has almost been 4 months since I had to file a restraining order against my ill son. He had cracked a bottle and held it to my throat. About 3 weeks later, he was arguing with his voices and was having command hallucinations about killing me.
My heart goes out to all the parents that read this site. It is a horrible state to find yourself suffering through, with no clear end in sight.
I find myself thinking back to happier times when my son was young, his favorite toys, the stuffed animals that he would sleep with, how cute he was, and how eager he was to do things and go places. Beautiful precious memories.
Why am I torturing myself? But, it is immeasurably and profoundly true 'torture' to exist all of the time in reality...today's sad reality.
It is not my son that tried to kill me. It was not my son that was arguing with his voices about killing me. It was my son who has been taken over by the insidious incurable disease called paranoid schizophrenia.
How can I make sense of the reality? My old son is gone. My captive son tried to kill me. My son walked differently, he lost weight, he wore his clothes differently by throwing his hood over one shoulder to the front, his voice and his vocal inflections changed to a higher-pitched singsong quality, and his cognition had been affected. I witnessed my son slowly evolving into a different resemblance. A mere shadow of himself.
Once in awhile, I was afforded a very brief glimpse of his old self... a joke, his 'normal' laugh, a moment of lucidity. Then in a moment, it was gone.
I have 2 older sisters with schizophrenia. I have sadly witnesses it's merciless evolution before.
How do I come to terms with reality? How does a mother set her alarm system and carry mace....while constantly worrying about the welfare of her schizophrenic homeless son? I made him homeless. Yes, I had to file the restraining order. But, never the less, he is now homeless living in his dilapidated car. I do not know where. He is afraid to use phone because of spies.
I have been told by therapists that he IS like a child mentally right now. Yes, he has a tall man's body, that could have hurt me without realizing what he was doing. Their voices are compelling. Their voices threaten them. Their voices seem familar, friendly, and powerful.
How do I go about detaching? How can I? He is not willfully chosing these bad actions. He has anosognosia and lacks insight. His delusions and hallucinations are extremely real to him. He is child-like. He would gleefully point out a fire engine or state that our dog is a mammal. My son who was genius level. He is out there alone.
I want to make it exceedingly clear. My youngest son and I were in danger. I had no choice. Yes, it is a very flawed system. I needed to keep my other son safe. Command hallucinations are not always folliwed, but they can be. My schizophrenic sister had jumped from a second floor balcony, ran fill force into glass sliders, and set a dress on fire following her command hallucinations. My son had talked with his voices as he smashed things, stabbed the counter, or cut cords. The threat is real.
I studied the wording in the 5150, the involuntary commitment in CA. The mental health worker had sent me a very important part of the law. We spoke at great length. He used to be a special education teacher like myself and came that day to the house. The wording spoke of allowing past history of their illness by family members. It was stated that it should be taken into consideration.
That day, standing beside the same mental health worker and the five officers, I brought this up to the officers. I was told..."No..it cannot be allowed in our decusion". They left me down the street and the cop cars drove off to serve my son.
I prayed for him to run. Why? So that they would take him in. I wanted him to shout and throw things. I prayed so hard for that to happen.
The mental health worker spoke to my son through his closed door. No answer. That was no surprise. He usually did not answer me.
He does not realize that he is sick. Why would he agree to receive treatment? Why would he talk to a stranger when he is paranoid and petrified of people?
Then they pushed his door open and grabbed him out of his room. He was wearing a tee shirt and his boxers. They let him quickly put on his jeans.
I later found the sad little piece of jute that he would tie around his waist. Did he leave it there by accident because he was rushing? Did he have a brief moment of logic and thought that they would perceive this as odd? I will never know. I just know that I can never throw it away.
Next, the officers, 5 in total, and the mental health worker asked him questions. He was able to say that he was depressed, talks out loud when he writes, and was joking when he was talking about killing me. All lies.
My son who has not worked, gone to school, or had friends in 9 years was told to pack up and was escorted by police car out of the tract.
A few days ago, Governor Brown passed an ammendment to the 5150 wording. It now allows recent history of their condition to be considered.
I want to tell parents to keep a log for every strange or violent episode, if the police were called, if there was a hospitalization, any medicines...everything and anything. Take pictures, after the violence subsides, of any damage or injuries. If you can have your phone safely taping WITHOUT their knowledge, do so.
Today, would they have taken him in...I will never know. I was met with lack of empathy, lack of understanding, and lack as to the real threat of command hallucinations. I was told, "You merely overheard him talking to himself". They did not even come in the house. They told me that legally, they could not because he did not actually threaten me to my face.
Two years earlier, the only other time I had called the police, I told them he had...to my face..threaten to "cut my face up". They asked me THREE TIMES! They told me to file an eviction and that they would return when I had the forms for them to serve. They asked me if I had somewhere to stay.
This time, they refused to go in. I had asked for crisis intervention trained officers. I was told that I would get the ones who were the closest. They never called the mental health crisis team.
I had called the mental health team numerous times. They told me that my son was too dangerous, but if I called the police they would be sent as well. Sadly, no..........
First, call 911, not the local police station. I was afraid that he would be shot. If you call 911, they will treat it more seriously.
Secondly, if the mental health team does not arrive, call them on your on.
Thirdly, if you do not agree with the officers' decisions, call and ask to speak to the field commander immediately.
I did not know this. I called the police station the next day from the hotel room. I was told by the top commander on duty that NOW the crisis was over. Also, another officer told me that the reason I could not get the emergency restraining order that the dispatch officer mentioned is because it was not domestic violence. Domestic violence is just between a man and a woman...not a mother and a child...I was told. I told her that I had just returned from the domestic violence department at the courthouse and that she needs to educate herself about this topic.
That night, the officers said that they would...could not go in. He had not threatened me to my face. I told them that he had 3 weeks earlier with a jagged bottle, but that was no longer current. They asked if my paranoid son could come to the door. Unbelievable! They told me that they could not give me an emergency restraining order. They told me to go up to the courthouse the next day.
It took me 6 days to complete the filing and have the crisis trained officers on duty. By now, my ill son had ample time to think of an excuse.
I cannot stop worrying. He is not in touch with reality. One of my schizophrenic sisters was kidnapped by a pimp and taken to a seedy hotel and forced to turn tricks for 2 weeks before my parents found her. She was told by him that it was against the law to ride on the bus after dark. She got off with him. She spoke about that man being "out there" still trying to get hear until she passed away last year.
She had a mind affected by schizophrenia.
I have read that up to 95% of people with schizophrenia lack insight. They need medicine to acquire insight. Once they are on medications, they feel better and go off the medications. The cycle goes on and on.
Please, prepare yourself with knowledge of your and your ill child's rights. Please, know the laws. Keep excellent records. Even if they choose not to involuntarily commit your child that time, send these records out for missing persons and they will be sent to police and sheriff stations. Send records out to local mental hospitals and police stations. If your adult child is brought in for strange behavior or is arrested, these excellent records will help your child receive help. Also, any relative not on the restraint order can file a missing persons report. They will be contacted. In addition, you can state on the restraining order that you want to be able to see your child in the hospital or jail.
To all who read this site...all of those troubled hurting parents...my prayers go out to you. I wish the very best for all of you.
Take care.
