Feeling Sad---Son is Homeless

[New Leaf]

There comes a day when even when we have caught on that there is danger we must re-approach the danger, like you did with your Mother, New Leaf.

Interesting you should write this Copa.I have learned much about my Mom. She is a wonderful person, but does have her quirks. She does not like human touch. She can withstand a hug only for so long. I find it fascinating that she became a nurse, a career that requires so much caring, but there is a part of her that resists touch. A conflict.
I remember when she had my little sister, we are five years apart. I have a vivid memory of trying to climb up into her lap-she pushed me away and said that I was too heavy for her, I was a big girl.
I apologized to her about my outburst at lunch. She said we are all different people.True. I often wonder why the focus was on me as a child to "ignore the teasing". She is defensive towards my sister to this day, saying, she has been her own person since she was a very young child. She even defends her brashness and lack of filter in the things she blurts out now, to her, and at the hospital to the nurses.

You must have known the risks re-entering the family system with your siblings but because of love and responsibility, you did so.
You met the challenge head-on and you created a new ending. You stood up to your sister and brother and you saw that all along you were the strong one.

Yes, Copa I did. But this in of itself has created a new pattern for me that I must change. I have spoken of the past before with my siblings only to be met with the same astonishment and resentment. A dead end. And so, I must learn to keep those thoughts from reemerging from my lips when I see them again. It is a fruitless endeavor. I think in my sisters mind I am looking to blame them for my bad choices in life. In my mind I am trying to understand myself, and how my upbringing has affected me.
She posted a quote on Facebook yesterday-

"Everything you do is based on the choices you make. It's not your parents, your past relationships, your job, the economy, the weather, an argument, or your age that is to blame. You and only you are responsible for every decision and choice you make. Period."

Yes, and no. I believe we make choices based on our character and what has happened to us in our lifetimes. This goes beyond the simpler explanation above. Yes, we are responsible in the end all for our choices.Deeper beneath the surface, is the why's, how's. We make choices and mistakes when we are faced with difficult situations. Would our choices be different under calmer circumstances? Maybe.

With our children we cannot leave these riptides. Because of our love and responsibility we stay in the dangerous depths. It is wearing and anxiety provoking to live in this space, robbing us of our serenity and our sense of security. What next, will come?

Yes, with our children we cannot escape these riptides. But, as they become adults, we must. We must because they need to learn to swim across them without us, because we will not be there forever.

My husband was a lifeguard, one of the most dangerous situations in the ocean is a double drowning.

That is when two people are in trouble, and cling to one another like buoys. They eventually drown one another.

This is what I liken my relationship with my G-F-G's to. They are drowning in their choices, and cling to me as a buoy. Run to me for help, then resent me for setting rules. I get caught up in the riptide of drama and calamity, and drown with them.

The difference for me is that I cannot stay in the riptide with my two, even for my grandchildren, because I have a young son to look after. I have to focus on him, or I will lose him, too. Do I feel the sting of loss? Yes, but the more I focus on healing myself, stop enabling, the more I focus on my son. I am telling myself over and over again, by becoming stronger, I am showing my G-F-G's and my well children that they can be strong and overcome, too.

Staying in this state is itself reminiscent of our lives as children. Constant danger. Limited control to define ourselves. Betrayals. Loneliness and fear.
I would rather be in danger myself than to fear for my child.
It is hard to have and be, when your child is in danger. And there is no one to help him or her. Or oneself.

Yes, Copa it is reminiscent of our childhood. There we had no control over what was happening to us. There we had to learn how to cope to survive. We are our own worst enemies in this, our coping skills are powerful, and we lean on them in times of distress in our adult lives. Choosing to stay in the riptide, for we have learned to tread water. Tread we do, day and night.

My G-F-G's are out there. I have not heard from them for nearly two months. My grandchildrens' school still sends me automated voicemails of functions and absence notices. Does it make me sad? Yes. I say a prayer. Would I rather be in danger myself than them? In a fleeting moment, yes, and then no. For what good would my drowning do for me, and in turn them?

Does not a child, even an adult child look to their parent to be courageous and strong?

Maybe in the back of their minds as we have enabled them, as they repeatedly figuratively spat in our face, they were thinking "Why are you such an idiot? Why do you allow me to do this?

Reading and rereading the article on detachment has helped me.

I am understanding that if I cannot, will not rescue myself, it is not possible for me to help anyone else.

It is hard to have and be, when your child is in danger. And there is no one to help him or her. Or oneself.

I do not think we are meant to suffer as our adult children suffer. As if living in a parallel world, dancing to their lead.

We have value as individuals.

We have given and given, and yes, I have made mistakes in raising my children, I have regrets, and apologies.

There are folks and agencies out there to help them. There is hope. As we detach, we are giving them the reins to ride their own horses, to live their lives. We are saying to them, "You can do this."

There is help for us as well. Here on this site. Counseling. Apple pies.

I have read many of your posts, your replies to others out there in the riptide. You are eloquent and wise. You have lived a colorful life, and there is much more life in you. Your posts in FOO are amazing. And still you are treading water.

Swim across the riptide Copa, swim with all your might and show your son how strong you are.

He will garner strength from you. You will see.

You do not deserve to drown in it, and neither does he.

Leafy

 

[Feeling Sad]

Leafy, I am so very sorry that your heartless sister posted that quote.

You are STRONGER than your sister or she would not have sensed the need to send such such a piercing dagger posing as words.

Your were a helpless child, with no one to protect you.

Your self worth...The very lens that you view yourself through was colored and shaped by the way you saw others' cruel actions or the active lack of protective response. What innocent child would not feel that they somehow deserved it?

You were just a child forming how you view the world....Safe? Kind? Treacherous? Cruel? Worthy of trust? Worthy of hope? Worthy of fear?

Ignore her sad attempt to snare and continue to torment you...still....with this barbed group of words.

A mere group of words. Nothing more. She has no power over you. Not anymore.


ROAR


I am proud of all of my warrior sisters...Leafy, Copa, and Cedar. Sending positive thoughts of strength through the night skies...

 

[New Leaf]

Oh Feeling, thank you for your support. I was tempted to answer the post with some sort of articulate quote, a rebuttal. But, thought better to be silent, than wage war on social media. I went there once or twice, in a fit of anger and sorrow, posted song after song of how I felt. Social media is dangerous, so much space to air out everything. There has to be some sense of...privacy?

Funny as I write that now, I think of how I have poured my soul out here on this site. I suppose the anonymity affords a sense of privacy, and yet also intimacy?

Sister always needs the last word, or to be right. The funny thing is that I have often been her biggest advocate, as my Dad went through his illnesses, she would go catastrophic, I would plead her case with my little- realistic, positive, business like sister, and my stoic logical brother. Somehow, we came together.

My big sisters need to voice her complaints and concerns loudly, has caused a rift. She says that our family lacks communication, I think my other siblings are weary of dealing with her. They have felt the sting of her reactions much closer, her insistence that our Dad receive better care in Boston, causing my Mom and brother to drive for hours, both ways to visit him. Trouble is, that move probably saved him, only reinforcing my sisters insistence more.

I would hate to see us all drift apart on my Moms passing. It is odd to write of that as Mom is doing well now, all things considered, but it is inevitable.
I know her wish is for us to be close, so I will do everything to keep the peace. I did not get the chance to tell my sister that although I had a hard time growing up, lacked peace at home, at the same time I could look at my experience and see that it helped me to be more compassionate towards others. I suppose that is what Frankl meant by finding the meaning.

I thank you very much Feeling for your words of encouragement. I am continually amazed at your strength and ability to reach out, even when you are in dire straits yourself.

I think you should write a book. Your story is so unique. Maybe in the writing of it, you would find healing? You could publish it, and live comfortably off the residuals. Oprah would put your book on her list, a true story of a brave and courageous women who overcame the hardest life to be successful, kind and considerate, using your experience to help others in spite of such difficulties. I am sincere in writing this to you. You are a fine example of a wonderful soul who has turned the awfulness into a worthwhile life. The world needs more people like yourself.

I am honored to be able to correspond with you on these pages. As I write this, I am hoping that you are feeling better, stronger, more hopeful for yourself and your family.

ROAR!

Rest well dear friend

Leafy

 

[Copabanana]

Feeling, the kind of tunic I want is a Johnny Was. They cost $250.00. I love them. It is your fault.

I am looking on EBAY now.

COPA

 

[Feeling Sad]

Oh, my! $250...on my site? The most I paid was $32. I have found cactus tops at thrift shops and at farmer's markets. I bought some long tunic type tops at Kohls, KMart, and Macy's on sale from $12 to $4.50. I like 100% cotton. Or the Jess and Jane store, only in the store, has them for $20. Do you sew???

I was told in high school and college that I should write. After living a '25 movies of the week all rolled into one' life, I have thought about writing. It would be very cathartic. Maybe...one day.

Ladies, I have just barely scratched the surface! Sad, but true.

I wanted to clarify something. I have never regretted having my ill son. My ex had wanted me to get an abortion. My friend who was going to medication school at the time, wanted me to because of the increased risk of having a schizophrenic child.

I never contemplated the idea. I fought my ex, which was then my boyfriend, and I told my friend "No".

It was/is my guilt-riddled circular thinking lousy genes mindset that plaques me.

My late-onset schizophrenic sister became ill in her 50's. She was 'fine' back then, all be it extremely selfish and self-serving. Her fiancee of 3 years broke up with her in college because she told him that she had a schizophrenic sister. He was a Biology Major. He was afraid if the greater risk of having schizophrenic children.

Years later, after she became schizophrenic, she saw him and asked him questions about her "ilnesses" that she thought that she had at the time. He probably realized that he had dodged a bullet.

My best friend lost her 3rd son, my 3rd son's best friend, when he was 10. We have been best friends since I went to Mommy and Me Class when our eldest sons were 2. She is my only friend that knows about my ill son.

When I was grieving the plight of my homeless son, not knowing how he was doing or if I was ever going to see him again, she told me something about herself.

She told me that when she had lost her youngest son at age 10, after he had fought Leukemia for 4 years, that she did not want to get out of bed.

My son being gone, I have been told by my therapist, is a sort of death.

She told me that after several weeks in bed, ignoring her other 2 sons and her husband, and ignoring herself, she realized that her son would not want his mom to be doing this. He would want her to get out of bed, play with her other sons, spend time with her husband, and have dinners, and travel.

He would want her to have a life and be happy!

I feel very selfish. I had my son for 24 years before he was taken over by schizophrenia. I HAD HIM FOR 24 YEARS! She only had her son for 10. I spent more than twice the time with my son. Her son was a child, going off, alone, to start a new transition...alone. My ill son is very child-like in many ways because his disease has taken some of his mental acuity. But...he is 35. Even after becoming ill, I still had him, he was slowly changing before my eyes, but he physically was still 'with' me.

I often think back to happier times with him. He was strong, very gifted, had a dry wit, and was very protective of me. He always looked out for me. Always. I have to think what he would want for me NOW, if he was in his 'right mind', the way he was before.

He would not want me to stop living. He would not want me to ignore...or rather damage my health. He would not want me to be afraid. He would not want me to stop having fun. He would want me be to be happy.

Maybe, right now, he is relieved that he did not hurt us. He was arguing with the voices about killing me..."But I don't want to kill her. She's my mom".

I have to take care of myself for my other two sons, for myself, AND for him if...no WHEN I see him again.

 

[Copabanana]

Feeling,

Your late-onset sister? Is she on medication? How is she doing?

I want to learn how to sew but do not.

I will be back later.

Your older son sounds like such a good man.

COPA

 

[Feeling Sad]

Do you mean my middle son? He is the one off in college in Monterey and is a Biology Major. Yes, he has a heart of gold. He worries about all of us. He feels, that in life, we are all doing the best that we can.

My late onset sister is still delusional and has visual hallucinations. She is also addicted to drugs.

I got her involuntarily committed back in 2003 or so because she had driven onto a freeway exit in her rush to get to the library to research her 'bugs'. She threw away the medications after they discharged her in 72 hours.

Her husband overdosed. She sold her house because of the 'bugs'...in her brain...feet...coming out of her nose. She could 'feel' them get active under her skin when they 'mated' and then she 'saw' them come out of her skin and 'fly around the room'. She used insecticide on her skin meant for plants.

She moved in with my dad and brother in Sherman Oaks. I tried to do an intervention. My brother said, "No". I called several of her doctors to inform them that she was not ill and abuses drugs. When the doctor stopped giving her drugs, she soon found a new one..or 2...or 10.

She tried to get my father's money. She hid his wallet and his wings certificate as a pilot in WWII in the entryway closet. He was asking about them. She took him down to have a picture taken for a CA I.D. She needed 2 forms of I.D. The bank warned me about it before she could do it. She tried to close and cash out an annuity that totaled over $300,000.

She almost killed my father because she used bleach and ammonia and hot water to wash her sheets and clothes 3 times a day. She wanted to kill the 'bugs' and their 'eggs'. That is how they made mustard gas in WWI.

He was rushed to the hospital because of aspirational pneumonia from breathing in the fumes. He also had a stroke that day and almost died. He lost the use of his legs. He never walked again. Adult protective services worked with me to do an eviction because I reported her to the hospital.

She turned all of my relatives against me. I am the b _ _ _ _ that threw out her gravely ill sister. She even told them that I went to an attorney to get myself on the trust as the trustee. Both of my parents did it in 1992.

My brother would not help me to evict her. Afterwards, he would sneak off to see her in the hotel. Yes, I WAS the b _ _ _ _ . I kept my dad safe. She would not hurt him anymore.

In physical therapy, with a nurse on either side with a large support that was like a podium, they tried to get him to stand...just stand. He made up the slogan, "Stand tall, so I don't fall". It broke my heart. My own sister almost killed my father...because of her schizophrenia.

Sadly, I am well versed in schizophrenia...

My mother had written her out of the trust because my mother had gifted her with a house...to be inherited when she died. My selfish sister could not wait that long...she tried to sue her for the full value of the house after living there just 3 years. This was before she was ill, just very selfish.

I talked my mom out of keeping my sister out of the will shortly before my mother's death. My mother had been bed bound for 7 years due the rheumatoid arthritis. I am an idiot. My sister was to inherit her amount in equal amounts, spread out over 10 years.

When my mother died, my sister said that she was going to sue me when my father died to get her inheritance in full.

When my father died, she sued my brother and I because my brother, without my knowledge, had spent money from both my mother's estate and my father's trust. We lost over $200,000, in addition to, over $100,000 in attorney fees.

We were not allowed to bring up her mental illness in court. I was in trouble in court because I was a co-trustee with my brother. Ignorance is not a defense in court.

He screwed me over...repeatedly over 9 years. A new car, expensive trips, fancy restaurants, everything... He hid my father's Visa in a private P.O. Box and maxed it to almost $9,500. My father kept asking my brother about the monthly bill and he would always reply that he would 'check into it'.

He used my mom's estate...she he did not have to be asked. She was dead... It was easier. He cleaned out most of the $450,000.

I gave up my inherirance, so that my sons still got theirs. They should not be penalized because of my brother's misdeeds.

She has gone through 5 medical coverages. She doctor shops for drugs for her 'illnesses'. She gets thrown out of medical coverages because she refuses to comply with their directions to seek psychiatric help.

After suing us, she stopped all contact.

She is still online. You Google her name and she is all over the place...talking about her 'bugs'.

The doctors have said that my middle sister had an early onset at 13 and my eldest sister had a late onset in her fifties.

My ill son is the norm...early 20's. Just when he was planning his future.

He was a Math Major in college and a gifted artist. He was 3 years advanced in school. They thought that he was a geek because he was the only one who did not ditch on senior ditch day. He was in 9th grade.

I miss him.

 

[Copabanana]

Do you mean my middle son? He is the one off in college in Monterey

No, I know that is your middle son. I meant your oldest son.

The way you described him before he got ill.

Feeling, I have heard now about all 3 of your sons. You did good, Feeling.

How horrible about your inheritance issues.

You raised 3 good sons. It seems like the characters of your middle and youngest sons were strengthened by the adversity of their brother.

What do you think happened with your Family of Origin?

 

[Copabanana]

Do you mean my middle son? He is the one off in college in Monterey and is a Biology Major. Yes, he has a heart of gold. He worries about all of us. He feels, that in life, we are all doing the best that we can.

Feeling, that is such a nice campus. Does your middle son like it?

We lived very close to there for a year or so when I worked at a prison fairly nearby.

My son loved the area. I thought it was kind of slow.

When I think back to that time it feels like it was blissful. I would never have believed that my son's problems would escalate to the point they did.

But, he could not maintain work. He could not contain himself to complete a Nurse's Aid program. Twice he had to stop. He later did complete the training about 2 years later. He worked for over a year in a psychiatric unit.

I refused to accept that he was emotionally disturbed. I still have a hard time.

Back when we were in Monterey he had friendships. He completed a year of college. He was moderately active. He completed a Job Corps training--I pushed him.

I was not very happy young woman, nor was I a confident one. But I pushed myself to get therapy and I always had goals. I would not accept limitations.

I understand that there are psychiatric conditions that work against the kind of motivation I had. And clearly, by my experience these last couple of years, I better understand hopelessness.

These things we deal with are like quicksand. You begin to feel you have a chance to climb out and are sucked back in.

 

[Feeling Sad]

I never knew that your son was a nurse...in a psychiatric unit.

Yes, it is very hard to accept our Difficilt Children as they are today. It is difficult to alter or let go of dreams.

I love that area. My favorite antique store is there...right by the bay. My 2 loves...antiques and the ocean.

I thought that the streets had plenty of 'movement'!

"What did you do today?", asked beautiful Feeling eagerly, trying not to appear too anxious.

Do you like the 'beautiful' part?

Since, like M. said...we have never met, so we do not know what we look like. I, myself, have decided to be strikingly beautiful, with piercing geen eyes, long 'naturally' blonde hair, a perfect body, and resembling a 39 year old in appearance!

The best part? There is no way to disprove my description! Yes, I am sticking to this...actually the green eyes part is true.

 

[Copabanana]

I never knew that your son was a nurse...in a psychiatric unit.

A certified nurse's aid. But he let the certification lapse because he did not bother to submit his hours.

I hoped he might become a nurse. It could never have worked. He is not detail oriented and he is completely disorganized. What was I thinking?

My son is more of a conceptual thinker. As I do, he likes languages and culture, and theory. Now that he has become attracted to conspiracy theories, he keeps up with politics and economics. I do too, but not because of conspiracy theories.

I did not get dressed or go out today. I picked a fight with M, instead, about a lingering issue. Big mistake. Who feels bad? Me.

I lived at the 2 Goodwill's, the one in Seaside and the one in Monterey.

When you go back to Monterey there is a really good restaurant called The Fish House. We went all of the time. We loved it. It is fun. It is especially fun to sit at the counter/bar and to talk to the other patrons.

 

[Copabanana]

Feeling, I believe every single thing about your beauty. I do not think you are exaggerating one bit.

 

[Copabanana]

I thought that the streets had plenty of 'movement'!

Funny, Feeling.

 

[New Leaf]

I was told in high school and college that I should write. After living a '25 movies of the week all rolled into one' life, I have thought about writing. It would be very cathartic. Maybe...one day.

Hi Feeling, I was worried that my posting the bit on writing was ...well... insensitive. I am sorry if I came off like that.

You do have an intriguing story, and a talent for writing.

I often think back to happier times with him. He was strong, very gifted, had a dry wit, and was very protective of me. He always looked out for me. Always. I have to think what he would want for me NOW, if he was in his 'right mind', the way he was before.

He would not want me to stop living. He would not want me to ignore...or rather damage my health. He would not want me to be afraid. He would not want me to stop having fun. He would want me be to be happy.

I have to take care of myself for my other two sons, for myself, AND for him if...no WHEN I see him again.

Yay Feeling, I am so glad for you.
I hope that you are able to put this in the forefront of your mind.
You deserve to be healthy and happy.


Leafy

 

[Feeling Sad]

I LOVE your post. Thank you.

You did not come across as insensitive. I have been told that I should write about imy life in a book by several people.

No worries...that is one of my new slogans for me...'no worries'. But, now I am trying to mean it.

My other one I think of a lot is that by having my son removed from my house I SAVED my youngest son, myself, AND MY ILL SON!

Have a relaxing day in your tropical paradise!

 

[Copabanana]

New Leaf made an excellent point that I had not thought of. By setting a boundary for your ill son you did so for everybody. Past this you should not accept. I will not accept it.

While we have noted that it protected your sons, it also educated them..and importantly, gave them the precedence of setting a limit, for themselves and others...Something you never received from your own parents, Feeling.

your tolerance level must be way above average.

Think about it. Of course this is true. You endured Bedlam. Look up that word, the origin of it. Bedlam was a mental hospital of long ago, when they would lock up the mentally ill, without treatment. The origin of mental hospitals, is actually prison.

are you too, tolerant of mistreatment? Is this a part of your make-up, because of what you grew up with?

Again, an excellent point. For all of us.

You had absolutely no control as a child, there was no way for you to fix what was happening.

This is an excellent point. Nor did I. Nor did New Leaf or Cedar.

How terrifying that must have been, to lay there at night hearing your sister talk with her voices, speaking of harming you.

No wonder you are screaming in the night, Feeling, the screams of terror you suppressed 50 or more years ago.

You broke out of that cage of your childhood, stood strong and SANG out loud, because you knew it was right

This is exactly true.

He did not act out when the police came. He did not go catatonic, become violent. He complied.

Many people do, Feeling. This is why there were so many officers and such caution with their planning. This is why other officers left without taking action. Fear. And lack of backup.

Many, many ill people fight. Your son did not. He was compliant. New Leaf is correct. Your son's compliance illustrates his capacity for accepting intervention.

I had to replace my worries with prayer. To fill up the empty space. If I have faith in my prayers, I am not trusting God if I am overcome with worry.

This is beautiful, New Leaf, and beautifully written.

There has to be a way where we do not bear this alone. Too much, already, of misery and fear and isolation...we have borne alone.

Beautiful post, New Leaf. And beautifully apt and correct.

How are you doing today, Feeling?

COPA

 

[Copabanana]

My son called this morning. The phone call woke me up. Late.

He was upbeat. He wanted to thank me for the 2 bottles of baldness shampoo I sent him. And for the necklace and Sombrero pin.

Oh. They went to you? They were for me. Sorry.

(He had already given away one of the bottles of shampoo. I am wondering now if he gave the jewelry to the step-mom of his friend. Maybe I should call back and tell him that is OK.)
'
I could not help myself. Did you call the Clinic, to make an appointment?

No. I have been working 12 hour days.

J. Please. For me. Please call and make an appointment. Dr. P would not want to see you if there was not a reason. If you were totally OK she would not have called. Please.

OK, Mom. I will.

I am in bed, again. M and I had a conflict. I asked him about the divorce.

M and I have been together 6 years. He has been separated from his wife who he has not seen for 12 years. He has no contact with her. He has contacted her for a divorce but she will not speak to him. He has gone to the point of broaching it with several of his adult children. Their mother will not speak about it.

There is an advantage to be a married woman in Mx. There is also the financial advantage. He ceded all control to all financial assets to his wife, when he left. He continued to support her and the 2 children who remained at home, until the children were out of school. His wife has run through all of the money, a commercial property and a business. All that remains is a 20 room house.

In general I have kept out of it. (That is what my Mother told me to do.) The issue however is his legal status. If he were deported, he could not reenter this country. Unless I followed him to a foreign country (which is possible) our relationship would be over.

The thing is: I have assets and a child, here. And a profession.

We have gone to an immigration attorney and we have gone to a divorce attorney.

M can get a divorce from here. It is his only hope to gain legal residency unless there is a change to the immigration laws.

About 2 months ago he brought up the divorce. He said: this week for sure I want us to go to The County Courthouse and consult with the attorneys and begin the divorce.

It did not happen. I did not say something like, I would like to go today. Or can we go today. I waited for him to bring it up. He did not.

Last night I asked him: What about the divorce? (I believe I was gunning for a fight. I am not sure why.) He said: I had the papers out waiting for you. I put them back.)

It angered me that he was putting the responsibility on me. He does need me because he does not speak English. He needs me to go to translate. There is truth to that.

What I think is this: He is putting the divorce on the back burner because he is trying to rebuild his relationship with his adult children. They have all sided with the Mother who has portrayed M as the bad guy and who has told them that he left the family because he was having an extramarital affair. Not true.

M does nothing to dispute this with the children. He accepts and understands their loyalty to their mother.

His bonding again with his children has more to it than fatherly love. His parents are very old and failing. As long as he wants to stay in a relationship with me, he cannot go to Mx to help them.

Everything in him would want to do so. He is a loving and responsible son. He took care of my mother with patience, great love and devotion. I will be eternally grateful to him. It is with great cost that he stays with me, and does not go to them. I know this.

I believe he needs his children to help him with his parents. He does not want to do something, like file divorce papers, that will cause a reaction or schism. Now.

He needs to feel that his kids are going by their grandparents' house and checking on his mother and father.

I understand this.

To marry him is not something I need. In many ways it would be to my disadvantage. Financially, for instance.

I have his commitment. But it upsets me that he does not tell me the truth. Up front. That he lets it slide...without speaking up.

It feels disrespectful.

So now there is a simmering anger between us. He feels unjustly targeted. I feel disrespected and unloved.

And then there is my son.

I am feeling that if he will not go to the doctor, I do not want to talk to him. Or see him. At all.

 

[New Leaf]

Oh Copa what a cluster.

I have to run off now and will get back to you later.

My thoughts and heart go out to you. Hang in there.


((((HUGS))))
Leafy

 

[Copabanana]

M came home. He was working at our other house and then went to visit his sister who returned from visiting her daughter's family and newborn son, who was born blind. He just had an operation and they do not know yet if the blindness was reversed.

I told M: I do not want to fight with you.
This is what I feel: I can understand why you would not want to now push the divorce, when you need your children's help with your parents.

I would have understood, if you had told me. I do understand. And I support you.

I just wish you had told me, affirmatively, so that we could have been on the same side. Instead of your making it my job to guess, or to doubt myself, or your commitment to me, or to put responsibility on me to get you to the courthouse.

M: If you can understand my motivation, than why attack me?

Why not tell me, let's wait. I know you are vulnerable with your parents. Why accuse me of betraying you, when you know, you have guessed the real reason? It is just that everything has unintended consequences, and I am trying to not harm anybody.

I need my children. They do not need me. Right now, I need them to visit my parents, to help them, so that they are not alone, with nobody.

I know. I am sorry. I understand. I believe, too, you are doing the right thing. Is it wrong of me, to wish you had told me, up front? That is all I am saying.

So things are a bit better here. Thank you New Leaf.

COPA

 

[Feeling Sad]

Copa, you handled it perfectly, as always.

I think that we all second guess ourselves, where in reality, we often handle situations much better than the norm.

Yes, we are compassionate and possess deep, true feelings.

Well done!

I am sorry that you are going through this issue, as well as, you son's issues with the doctors.

Give your son a few days. My guess is that he is even more afraid than you are. That is why he is stalling and giving working long hours as an excuse.

Wait for him to call you. He will. He needs you as much...or even more, than you need him. He is the one who called you. He needs you. He is afraid. 'Normal' people would be afraid.