Copa, it is both fear of my son and a dose of past fears coming to the surface. But, I would define it as acute alertness that I acquired from my past experiences combined with a present, real fear of my ill son.
I have to be honest here. I, down in my mother's heart, cannot entertain the idea of my ill son ever hurting me. But, I sadly would be in denial.
Every therapist, about 5 after the incident, a psychiatrist, numerous people on the phone from NAMI and the crisis intervention unit, the mental health worker, and the crisis officer ALL told me to get an alarm for safety, some said cameras as well, do not walk alone, stay near people, and do not park far off by myself. They all said that he is capable of following his voices, or command hallucinations, that are ordering him to kill me without even realizing what he was doing.
He is not on medication to 'quiet' his voices and is not receiving coping skills from therapy. The voices threaten him with harm if he does not comply.
His delusions weave a tale in his head why I should be killed. He thought that it was his house and I was threatening to kick him out if he did not see a doctor.
Most of the actual cases of a parent being killed by a schizophrenic adult child, usually envolved the mother while she was trying to get her adult child to see a doctor.
Lastly, the most crucial piece, is that he DID try to kill me that night with the broken jagged bottle being held to my throat. It was an aborted attempt. Whether he was trying it out, or following his voices, or seeing how easily he could surprise me. But, I have been told that it WAS an attempt. I have been wrestling with this idea. I wanted, down to my very core, to believe that it was a joke...a very sick joke. But, it wasn't.
I was told by several therapists that that was not a joke, as he had told me nervously afterwards, and that it was real. I could have died that night.
This realization is what precipitated my waking up screaming.
I feel that he saw my look of terror, or shock, or dismay on my face, and he stopped. It was a split second decision. I keep seeing that stern, hard, strange look on my son's face...and I wake up screaming. I think that I see him in the shadows when my room is dark and I wake up in the middle of the night...screaming.
That night, after he cracked the wine bottle on the counter and held the jagged half out towards me...in that instant, his monster/alien-type of expression changed instantly into, a stilted nervous smile and laughter. He said, "I was only joking. I will clean it up".
He said that he was going to clean it up. This cinched it! In 9 years time of destruction, he had NEVER said that he was going to clean it up. It kept it there always as a trophy of sorts as he ran off to his room, laughing.
This time was different. I will never know why he said that he would clean it up. Did he feel ashamed at what he almost did? Did he want to get rid of any evidence? I will never know.
A day or so later, he was crying...this other-worldly high-pitched man whine while he pleaded with his voices, "Please come back. Don't leave me all alone. Pllleeeaaassse!" He said it several times. I had never heard him make that horrible sound...a pitiful heart-wrenching cry out to his voices. Were his voices threatening to leave because he had failed to follow their orders???
It broke my heart. I wanted to call out to him from the other side of his bedroom wall that he was NOT alone. I was there!
But, I didn't. I knew that to say that would let him know how clearly I could hear him from his room. I thought, I need to not let him know. I had brought up his voices before a few times in the past. He denied them...I was rehearsing...I was practicing my speech...
I knew that if I did not let him know, that I could ascertain how ill he was becoming, and, like when I was little and dealing with my violent schizophrenic sister, it could keep me safe!
The bottle incident happened 3 weeks before he argued with his voices about not wanting to kill me. That night alone was enough for all of the mental health therapists to strongly urge me to get alarms and cameras. Command hallucinations are taken very seriously.
Unmedicated voices are loud, compelling, and unrelenting in their commands. When a paranoid schizophrenic is in the throes of a psychotic episode, they might be capable of murder.
My son had ALL of the qualifiers that would increase the liklihood of compliance: he viewed his voices as friendly, powerful, and familiar. The voices were loud and he had several. He had associated delusions about me and he had command hallucinations ordering him to kill me. He also drinks and is not on medication or receiving therapy. He is male between the ages of 25 and 40. He lives with a single mother, is solely dependent on his mother, and has no outside friendships, activities, hobbies, job, volunteer work, or school.
He had EVERY qualifier. I do reports. I know how to research. I read at least 30 studies...professional studies.
I am not trying to demonize people with schizophrenia. The large majority never harm anyone. Sadly, they have a high rate of being abused by others and of suicide.
I went to sites that had threads on this topic. The posts were written by both parents and schizophrenic patients that were in treatment. The parents all said that if someone had asked them if their son or daughter was capable of hurting or attempting to kill someone, that they would have said..."No". Now, they sadly know that they could say, "Yes". When they were in a psychotic state with command hallucinations they were capable of committing horrible violence.
Patients all said that, at times, they asked their parents to hospitalize them. They said that they loved their mother or father. They did not feel that they could ignore the voices. They were too strong. They did not trust themselves. They did not want to kill their parents. They loved them.
So, I am mainly trying to get myself in a place...a place mentally where I can have those thoughts coexist in my head; my thoughts that he could try to kill me, with my thoughts of worry and concern for him.
Once, I even thought to myself, a horrible thought that I quickly dismissed. In writing it...it seems so very 'sick'. Fear does strange things to your head.
But, for a very fleeting moment, I found a fragment of solace in the thought that my son, because he loves me, would kill me in a way that would not hurt.
Yes, I am very conflicted and rightfully scared.
My experiences from my past saved my life. I went into survival mode that night when I heard him arguing with his voices. It saved my life. All of the therapists said that it was a 'gift', a 'blessing', or that I was very fortunate.
Most people do not have warnings. The parents on that site said if your 'gut' tells you that you are not safe, err on the side of caution. You do not want to regret later on, down the road, that you could have done something before someone was hurt...or worse.
That night with the jagged bottle held to my throat by my paranoid psychotic tall son...it could have gone the other way in the 'blink of an eye'. This is why I wake up screaming.
