Feeling Sad---Son is Homeless
- Thread starter Feeling Sad
- Start date
New Leaf
Well-Known Member
Copa that is some amazing progress for your boy. I hope he makes that appointment.
Yes, it must be faced, like Mom's procedure, as brother said "She's got to know where she is at."
You can bear what will come, Copa, because you have to.
Don't fret Copa, what will be, will be.
Sometimes our biggest fear, is fear itself.
We will be here for you.
Leafy
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Feeling Sad
Well-Known Member
Leafy, how close we have become. All of our challenges are felt by all of us.
Thank you for that song. It was 'just what the doctor ordered'!
I have a better analogy. So, put down that yummy carrot cake.
Awhile back, I mentioned how when I was little at a school carnival, I had won my choice of a stuffed animal.
I chose the dirty, forgotten one in back, in the dark, on its side that no one wanted.
I believe that it was Copa that asked me if that stuffed animal symbolized me or was it that I felt that it was all I deserved.
Copa, you were right on both counts.
But, I took that sad, forlorn, dirty, forgotten 'stuffed animal' and I cleaned it up. I set it upright in a place of prominence , in the light and I admired, cared for, and LOVED that 'stuffed animal'!!!
Better, ladies??? No partaking of 'carrots' or, sadly yummy carrot cake, involved.
Yes, ladies, I am challenging you to LOVE your 'stuffed animals'.
Somehow, that story sounded better in my head...
Thank you for that song. It was 'just what the doctor ordered'!
I have a better analogy. So, put down that yummy carrot cake.
Awhile back, I mentioned how when I was little at a school carnival, I had won my choice of a stuffed animal.
I chose the dirty, forgotten one in back, in the dark, on its side that no one wanted.
I believe that it was Copa that asked me if that stuffed animal symbolized me or was it that I felt that it was all I deserved.
Copa, you were right on both counts.
But, I took that sad, forlorn, dirty, forgotten 'stuffed animal' and I cleaned it up. I set it upright in a place of prominence , in the light and I admired, cared for, and LOVED that 'stuffed animal'!!!
Better, ladies??? No partaking of 'carrots' or, sadly yummy carrot cake, involved.
Yes, ladies, I am challenging you to LOVE your 'stuffed animals'.
Somehow, that story sounded better in my head...
New Leaf
Well-Known Member
I am going to love my stuffed animal right now and get off my butt, clean my house and make my exercise schedule.
Got a new battery for my car, there is nothing more comforting after car troubles then turning your key and having your engine start.
So, crank it up ladies, drop your cake, rev your engines, and get going. DRIVE!
As the hubs would say, or shout in his extreme Chinese waitress dialect- "Talk is cheap!"
Got a new battery for my car, there is nothing more comforting after car troubles then turning your key and having your engine start.
So, crank it up ladies, drop your cake, rev your engines, and get going. DRIVE!
As the hubs would say, or shout in his extreme Chinese waitress dialect- "Talk is cheap!"
Feeling Sad
Well-Known Member
Okay......STEEELLLLAAAA!!!
Yes, younger readers may still have to look this up!
Yes, younger readers may still have to look this up!
New Leaf
Well-Known Member
I haven't watched it in a looooong time this is pretty steamy stuff.....
Feeling Sad
Well-Known Member
Yes, I guess as a child, I looked through different eyes. Pretty seductive stuff. Was Marlon Brando ever that young?
So Leafy, does your husband like you in your 'Stella' peasant blouse?
Or, was it rather, referencing your sweating as in the 'Stella" scene?
Loved that scene. Thank you!
So Leafy, does your husband like you in your 'Stella' peasant blouse?
Or, was it rather, referencing your sweating as in the 'Stella" scene?
Loved that scene. Thank you!
Scent of Cedar *
Well-Known Member
I have never seen "A Streetcar Named Desire". I had no idea how much I liked Marlon Brando.
:O)
Cedar
:O)
Cedar
Feeling Sad
Well-Known Member
Okay. We all 'like' Marlon Btando....
What ever happened to the 'word of the day'?
I am feeling very down.
I NEED a word for the day, ladies. Fellow warriors...you are 'sassy, 'emboldened', and I 'beseech' you...all past words of the day, by the way.
Fashionably tailored tuniced...is that a true verb???...I need a 'word of the day'.
What ever happened to the 'word of the day'?
I am feeling very down.
I NEED a word for the day, ladies. Fellow warriors...you are 'sassy, 'emboldened', and I 'beseech' you...all past words of the day, by the way.
Fashionably tailored tuniced...is that a true verb???...I need a 'word of the day'.
New Leaf
Well-Known Member
Oh Feeling, it is the moon. I was wondering why the hubs was going all goofy, well extra goofy, the moon is going to be full the 27th. I am moon affected, but he gets extra grumpy , if that is even possible.
We need to say howl, instead of roar, until Halloween passes.
Howl.
We need to say howl, instead of roar, until Halloween passes.
Howl.
New Leaf
Well-Known Member
Feeling Sad
Well-Known Member
Thank you, Leafy. Just beautiful! It made me realize that my joys experienced with my first born far outnumber my bad.
I hurt so much. My fellow warrior, you have helped me to put it into true perspective.
Strangely...I would like to learn how to hula. I bet my waist would be smaller...
Thank you, Leafy. Ha...word of the day...breath of life.
I hurt so much. My fellow warrior, you have helped me to put it into true perspective.
Strangely...I would like to learn how to hula. I bet my waist would be smaller...
Thank you, Leafy. Ha...word of the day...breath of life.
Feeling Sad
Well-Known Member
Okay...an owl just arrived. Is that not perfect, right before Halloween?
Strangely comforting...
Up on the top of Sherman Oaks, I used to have many sleepless nights due to an owl in the pine tree in our backyard..
In college, I would go out into the backyard and play my recorder, something like a flute. I would hit high notes...and soon the owl would fly off. It was very majestic, with its wingspan having a backdrop of the Valley in lights. Just beautiful. I would feel sad, yet pleased. I could now to to sleep.
Good night warriors. For those on Eastern Time...good morning warriors.
Strangely comforting...
Up on the top of Sherman Oaks, I used to have many sleepless nights due to an owl in the pine tree in our backyard..
In college, I would go out into the backyard and play my recorder, something like a flute. I would hit high notes...and soon the owl would fly off. It was very majestic, with its wingspan having a backdrop of the Valley in lights. Just beautiful. I would feel sad, yet pleased. I could now to to sleep.
Good night warriors. For those on Eastern Time...good morning warriors.
New Leaf
Well-Known Member
Feeling, there are probably hula halau (schools) where you live. There are Hawaiian communities everywhere.
It may be good for you to try something completely different. If not hula, jazz, or zumba.
Our children are only loaned to us from God. We do our best by them, and then they must find their way.
From what I know of you here, I know you have given your all to your sons, under very difficult circumstances.
You are a sweet, wonderful soul. You have much Ha in you, much mana (power). You are a beautiful, unique, loving, kind person.
Breathe dear friend.
It may be good for you to try something completely different. If not hula, jazz, or zumba.
Our children are only loaned to us from God. We do our best by them, and then they must find their way.
From what I know of you here, I know you have given your all to your sons, under very difficult circumstances.
You are a sweet, wonderful soul. You have much Ha in you, much mana (power). You are a beautiful, unique, loving, kind person.
Breathe dear friend.
New Leaf
Well-Known Member
Owls are good omens in Hawaii.
You have an owl watching over you Feeling, this is a very,very good thing.
Goodnight warrior sister, sleep well.
Howl.
Feeling Sad
Well-Known Member
Okay...now I am crying. I cry very infrequently. It is very cathartic. Thank you, wise warrior!
HOWL!!!
HOWL!!!
Feeling Sad
Well-Known Member
Copa, how are you doing?
You and your son are both in my prayers. Recess is soon over...
Sending positive thoughts to you, dear friend.
You and your son are both in my prayers. Recess is soon over...
Sending positive thoughts to you, dear friend.
Feeling Sad
Well-Known Member
Leafy, I am not doing very well.
I hurt down 'in a place where no words exist'...A wise turn of a phrase from our wise fellow warrior, Cedar.
I have had progress reports and conferences for the last 2 weeks. I am very tired and stressed.
About two weeks ago,I was calling to check my son's balance. We have a joint account. I am pondering, no rather agonizing, over how much money to put in so that he does not starve, but not too much so that he would not feel the need to apply to SSI or SSDI.
He had gone into this small account without permission at the end before he was removed by the police.
It went untouched for about a year. When he smashed the third computer, I said that I would not buy him another one until he sought treatment. That was after threatening me with the jagged bottle to my throat, but before the arguing with his voices about killing me.
I discovered that he went into that account without permission or my knowledge. He bought himself a new computer and lied to me about it. Days before he had received a debit card in the mail. I kept it. I needed leverage so that he eould, hopefully, see a doctor.
When the police had him leave, I was not allowed in the house. I was way down the street. I wanted to give him the card so that I could track his where abouts like I did 9 years ago when he ran off to Washington to live in his car. I had looked at his statement. That is how I knew where he went and, more importantly, if he was alive.
This time, he did not have a debit card. So, for the first 4 months, I would call the bank line and get the automated robot and was told...cash withdrawal this amount, etc. No locations were mentioned. I cannot go online because he had already set up a password.
Every few weeks, I would call and finagle, by pushing tons of buttons, to speak to a live person. I would not say that my son was mentally ill, but rather that I was concerned about the location of the usage. Yes, I would say, I realize that cash withdrawals are in person. They would finally tell me to appease me.
I felt better knowing that he was in the general area.
Then came last week.
Yay! He has a debit card. The statement will show where the purchases were made.
Then...No! They were almost ALL for gas stations. I feared that he was again driving up the coast to another state far away.
Then...Yay, again. My youngest son came home very late and told me that he would not get far with those small amounts of purchases. 'You know him mom", he said. 'He is afraid of people like there are at a big store".
Then...finally...No. My ill son is sleeping in his beat up car, just frequenting gas stations, probably very late at night because he is afraid of people. My son, whose favorite thing was to cook elaborate well-planned gourmet meals, was now reduced to microwaved hot dogs or worse.
Is he drinking more???
Then I was quickly hit by another emotional punch.
I had paid a beach parking ticket a month ago. I renewed his car insurance so that it would not lapse. I decided to pay for his registration which had expired. Yes, I had no way to give or send him his registration sticker or insurance card.
I received a summons from superior court to pay $1,200, or $50 with corrections, or $590 if insurance is purchased after. If he did not do these things, he would have to appear in court, or pay a fine, lose his license, and have his ticket go to warrant.
I went to pay. It was that he had no sticker or proof of insurance. There is NO WAY to stop this from happening over, and over, and over again. No way...
He is psychotic and I do not know where he is.
Lastly, my well-planned therapist decided to be very frank about my son's prognosis on my recent visit. She said, as you know, with each 'episode' schizophrenics just plateau. They continue to slowly get worse...even with help. Your sister was that way...
Why now? I feel like I am crumbling. I think that she was trying to make me feel less guilty. That the slow decline is enevitable, with or without my help.
She might as well take my "Hope" stone back that she had given me.
Yes, I knew that. I was a psychiatric major, a Special Education. Teacher, and have 3 schizophrenic people in my family.
But, I wish that she would have told me the positive things...like before. That I had "helped" him.
I have to go to the school's Harvest Carnival tomorrow night. I am going to make one very sad witch, not scary, just sad. That might scare my students worse.
I hurt down 'in a place where no words exist'...A wise turn of a phrase from our wise fellow warrior, Cedar.
I have had progress reports and conferences for the last 2 weeks. I am very tired and stressed.
About two weeks ago,I was calling to check my son's balance. We have a joint account. I am pondering, no rather agonizing, over how much money to put in so that he does not starve, but not too much so that he would not feel the need to apply to SSI or SSDI.
He had gone into this small account without permission at the end before he was removed by the police.
It went untouched for about a year. When he smashed the third computer, I said that I would not buy him another one until he sought treatment. That was after threatening me with the jagged bottle to my throat, but before the arguing with his voices about killing me.
I discovered that he went into that account without permission or my knowledge. He bought himself a new computer and lied to me about it. Days before he had received a debit card in the mail. I kept it. I needed leverage so that he eould, hopefully, see a doctor.
When the police had him leave, I was not allowed in the house. I was way down the street. I wanted to give him the card so that I could track his where abouts like I did 9 years ago when he ran off to Washington to live in his car. I had looked at his statement. That is how I knew where he went and, more importantly, if he was alive.
This time, he did not have a debit card. So, for the first 4 months, I would call the bank line and get the automated robot and was told...cash withdrawal this amount, etc. No locations were mentioned. I cannot go online because he had already set up a password.
Every few weeks, I would call and finagle, by pushing tons of buttons, to speak to a live person. I would not say that my son was mentally ill, but rather that I was concerned about the location of the usage. Yes, I would say, I realize that cash withdrawals are in person. They would finally tell me to appease me.
I felt better knowing that he was in the general area.
Then came last week.
Yay! He has a debit card. The statement will show where the purchases were made.
Then...No! They were almost ALL for gas stations. I feared that he was again driving up the coast to another state far away.
Then...Yay, again. My youngest son came home very late and told me that he would not get far with those small amounts of purchases. 'You know him mom", he said. 'He is afraid of people like there are at a big store".
Then...finally...No. My ill son is sleeping in his beat up car, just frequenting gas stations, probably very late at night because he is afraid of people. My son, whose favorite thing was to cook elaborate well-planned gourmet meals, was now reduced to microwaved hot dogs or worse.
Is he drinking more???
Then I was quickly hit by another emotional punch.
I had paid a beach parking ticket a month ago. I renewed his car insurance so that it would not lapse. I decided to pay for his registration which had expired. Yes, I had no way to give or send him his registration sticker or insurance card.
I received a summons from superior court to pay $1,200, or $50 with corrections, or $590 if insurance is purchased after. If he did not do these things, he would have to appear in court, or pay a fine, lose his license, and have his ticket go to warrant.
I went to pay. It was that he had no sticker or proof of insurance. There is NO WAY to stop this from happening over, and over, and over again. No way...
He is psychotic and I do not know where he is.
Lastly, my well-planned therapist decided to be very frank about my son's prognosis on my recent visit. She said, as you know, with each 'episode' schizophrenics just plateau. They continue to slowly get worse...even with help. Your sister was that way...
Why now? I feel like I am crumbling. I think that she was trying to make me feel less guilty. That the slow decline is enevitable, with or without my help.
She might as well take my "Hope" stone back that she had given me.
Yes, I knew that. I was a psychiatric major, a Special Education. Teacher, and have 3 schizophrenic people in my family.
But, I wish that she would have told me the positive things...like before. That I had "helped" him.
I have to go to the school's Harvest Carnival tomorrow night. I am going to make one very sad witch, not scary, just sad. That might scare my students worse.
Feeling Sad
Well-Known Member
You are going through enough. You do not need to reply...or Copa. You are both going through too much right now. I feel badly that I shared it now. I do not want to burden you right now.
Childofmine
one day at a time
Feeling Sad, I just want to say that what you are doing, what we all end up having to do, because there truly is no other option, is the hardest thing in the world we will ever have to do.
And that is to love someone and let them go to their own self-destruction.
And then, to learn how to live in the shadow of that.
I hope it helps you to know that for you, it came down to the physical safety of you and your younger son. That is a clear line in the sand. No way around it.
Now, living with the not-knowing and the imaginings, is very very difficult. I know you want the best for your very ill son, of course you do, and you love him so much.
There are worse things than living in a car. You and I can't imagine that, but my son at one point was sleeping on a bench outside the homeless day shelter, wrapped in a blanket, in the winter. The police told him they wouldn't bother him if he slept there. That is where he began to change his life.
I know your son's illness is different, and I'm not trying to say the two situations are the same.
But here is what IS the same: what you and I have to do to keep on living.
You have to get all kinds of support around you. Marshal the "troops" as it were. I hope you are getting any therapy and medical help (like antidepressants if that is helpful), plus NAMI, Al-Anon, other group therapy, trusted friends, rest, meditation, coffee or lunch with friends, taking naps (getting extra rest is #1 during these times), crying if you need to, writing in a journal, reading books that are helpful (Pema Chodron, Brene Brown). This is a toolbox. Assemble the tools that work for you, and schedule time into every day to use them.
Write the "crazy" thinking down---spill it all out---your fear, your guilt, your anger, your shame. It's crazy I say because it's not true but it is real. We have to deal with our real feelings even if they aren't based in facts, and I don't believe those are based in fact, for you or for me. We are only human and we are not super-human and able to fix and cure all things. I wish we were, but we can't.
We have to let go and turn it over to our Higher Power, whether that is God, the Universe or a doorknob (as they say in AA---believe in something, even if it's the doorknob). We will take it back, and then we have to turn it over again, 1000 times a day if that is what it takes, until it starts sticking.
We did not want this, we did not cause this, we cannot control it and we cannot cure it. I don't know why this type of thing happens in the world, why addiction and mental illness occur, and I have laid awake at night pondering this and all kinds of things.
But we have to in the end save ourselves. That is counter-cultural and counter-mother.
We are here for you, and we so understand the pain and fear and grief of this. We care. Warm hugs this morning.
And that is to love someone and let them go to their own self-destruction.
And then, to learn how to live in the shadow of that.
I hope it helps you to know that for you, it came down to the physical safety of you and your younger son. That is a clear line in the sand. No way around it.
Now, living with the not-knowing and the imaginings, is very very difficult. I know you want the best for your very ill son, of course you do, and you love him so much.
There are worse things than living in a car. You and I can't imagine that, but my son at one point was sleeping on a bench outside the homeless day shelter, wrapped in a blanket, in the winter. The police told him they wouldn't bother him if he slept there. That is where he began to change his life.
I know your son's illness is different, and I'm not trying to say the two situations are the same.
But here is what IS the same: what you and I have to do to keep on living.
You have to get all kinds of support around you. Marshal the "troops" as it were. I hope you are getting any therapy and medical help (like antidepressants if that is helpful), plus NAMI, Al-Anon, other group therapy, trusted friends, rest, meditation, coffee or lunch with friends, taking naps (getting extra rest is #1 during these times), crying if you need to, writing in a journal, reading books that are helpful (Pema Chodron, Brene Brown). This is a toolbox. Assemble the tools that work for you, and schedule time into every day to use them.
Write the "crazy" thinking down---spill it all out---your fear, your guilt, your anger, your shame. It's crazy I say because it's not true but it is real. We have to deal with our real feelings even if they aren't based in facts, and I don't believe those are based in fact, for you or for me. We are only human and we are not super-human and able to fix and cure all things. I wish we were, but we can't.
We have to let go and turn it over to our Higher Power, whether that is God, the Universe or a doorknob (as they say in AA---believe in something, even if it's the doorknob). We will take it back, and then we have to turn it over again, 1000 times a day if that is what it takes, until it starts sticking.
We did not want this, we did not cause this, we cannot control it and we cannot cure it. I don't know why this type of thing happens in the world, why addiction and mental illness occur, and I have laid awake at night pondering this and all kinds of things.
But we have to in the end save ourselves. That is counter-cultural and counter-mother.
We are here for you, and we so understand the pain and fear and grief of this. We care. Warm hugs this morning.
