Feeling Sad---Son is Homeless

[New Leaf]

How does a mother's heart mend after that? How do I resolve it in my mind? Will it ever fade? I want to hug my son, not fear him.

Feeling, it is the same with my two. If looks could kill, I would be dead, many times over. If I focused on that, all of the time, I would not be able to move, to be. So, I have to learn how to see it differently.
Below, is a poem that just flowed out of me this morning. It is for my daughters, and your son, and me, and you Feeling........

Your Eyes
Oh how I miss that look
within in your eyes
your eyes of eyes
revealed your soul
where loves connection
filled the role
Mother
and
child
became as one
in the warmth of rising sun.
Birdsong melody
danced through
wafted air
Gods light shone
on mothers care,
It was there
I found myself with you
the miracle of
the morning dew.
Came daybreak
and blinding heat
my heart
began
an unsettled beat.
That look, it changed
time,
circumstance
had rearranged.
A Dali clock
dripped off the wall
I couldn't see your eyes
at all.
They would not meet mine
with heartfelt love
I raised my head
to God above
My soul was emptied
wounded and raw
In your eyes
reflection saw
rage, mistrust,
a web of lies,
what took that
lovelight
from
your eyes?
I will not
rest upon that sight
a memory so
filled with plight,
instead a yearning
new and bold
a song yet sung
to be told
of how
your life
will yet unfold.
Envision the spark
within us all
to heed the echoed
voiceless call.
A call to find
the strength within
to build anew
to start again.
This path you are on
is your own.
With each and every
new days dawn
this vision I
will focus on
raise my head to God
above
say a prayer
with soul felt love
There I will
find myself with you
in the miracle of
the morning dew.

leafy

Our children will be okay, Feeling.
I will get through every day by repeating this.
They will be okay, they are finding their way, they will be okay.

Peace be to you, and love, and joy.
love
leafy

 

[Copabanana]

my son, albeit due to his illness, tried to kill me and changed his mind.

Feeling, there are two parts to this. His voices told him to try to kill you....he changed his mind.

There is nothing new that he is ill. It was the disease, not him, who he was before. He changed his mind.

You could not risk it that he would be successful in stopping the impulse again, towards you or your son.

Your son has lost his will, lost control over his own intentions. Yet, he found the way to gain control, because he loves you. Your scars may never go away, because this is part of your life story. Sadness and regret is part of all of our lives. And for mothers, worry too.

I am sorry you felt you could not go to the party. Maybe these were friends you cannot be real with. Maybe they are.

COPA

 

[New Leaf]

Your son has lost his will, lost control over his own intentions. Yet, he found the way to gain control, because he loves you. Your scars may never go away, because this is part of your life story. Sadness and regret is part of all of our lives. And for mothers, worry too.

Yes Copa, this is so true.

I found this article Feeling, in my search, because I have been feeling sad also, actually, more than sad, a profound deep sadness.

http://www.wildmind.org/blogs/on-practice/paths-to-purification

It feels like it is lifting a bit now.

It is a weird feeling, because most folks are bustling around joyfully in the holiday mode.
It is okay to feel sad, we feel what we feel.
I know what you are saying about not attending parties. I am the same way, if I don't feel well inside, I do not want to have to force, or fake a smile......

The time will come, when we are ready to be lifted up again, and feel better.

You are not alone Feeling.
(((HUGS)))
leafy

 

[Feeling Sad]

Leafy, I love your poem. You had to re-experience your pain to feel those emotions. I am truly sorry for that. I do not want you to hurt more than you already do. What a true gift. Thank you. You got it exactly right.

My son is misguided by his voices. Is he on his path or 'theirs'? I want to help him. But, even in my house, I was unable to loosen the intrusive false grip of his voices.

Copa, you are correct...he changed his mind. He also argued with his voices about not wanting to kill his mom.

Those facts make me feel worse...not better. He fought his voices. He did his best that he could to fight his voices and delusions...and I had him removed. I feel like I failed him as a mom. Yet. I had to keep my other son safe.

One woman from crisis intervention said to me , "What if his voices told him to kill your youngest son?" Statistics show that sibblings can be killed, as well.

Yes, I was right to file a restraining order.

But, in his mind, he fought the voices because he loves me and doesn't want to kill ne.

My heart is breaking...everyday.

He was doing the best that he could with this insidious disease.

I blame the system. I followed the 'directions' and the system failed us .

 

[Feeling Sad]

Yes, Leafy, I miss his eyes...and my soul is indeed emptied...wounded...and raw.

I worry about my other sons. How has thIs horrible upheaval negatively impacted my sons?

My youngest son, at 24, wants to move out. He now feels, with my ill son removed, that I am safer from harm. He is the last one in his group of friends to leave home. Yet, he turned down very high-paying jobs that would have taken him away from protecting me from his ill brother. I did not know. He sacrificed his life for me. I feel horrible...

I was dancing the sick dance of schizophrenia. It supercedes all other normal life actions. It always demands center stage. It devours everything in its path.

Now, with his brother gone, he is setting up lights in the house that will go on at 4:45, so that I am not afraid.

He should be enjoying this rite of passage. He has been robbed.

He is much older than his years...like I was at his age with my schizophrenic sister. At his age, my schizophrenic sister was kidnapped by a pimp and forced to turn tricks for 2 weeks.

It is not fair!

My other schizophrenic sIster almost killed my father by bringing on a stroke and causing him to permantently lose his ability to walk. She used ammonia and bleach to kill her 'bugs'. That is the recipe for mustard gas.

My brother, by his misuse of my mother's estate and my father's trust, lost us 3 years of time in court and over $300,000.

Life is beautiful and it is ugly...very ugly.

Life is short. Demand proper treatment. I have FINALLY realized that is too short for abuse.

Do not analyze. Do not try to figure it out.

You deserve human kindness. You should always only accept proper treatment from others...sibblings included. Quietly...respectfully...only accept proper behavior. Respectfully demand respect. Retrain others with quiet structured patience. Be structured, consistent, and concise.

Life is too short.

Expect loaves. Do not accept crumbs. You deserve proper treatment and respect.

 

[New Leaf]

Little bird, you have been through so much, yet you comfort me.
Yes, life can be ugly, but it is also very, very beautiful.
God gave you two sons, who love you dearly, your young son continues to look after you. He will find other jobs, Feeling.
I do not think he would have been able to function if he did otherwise. What a sweet boy, to love his mom, so. You are a good mom, Feeling.
You and I, we have our fair share of sorrow to deal with. Yet, mixed with the sadness, there is much to be thankful for.
Feeling, you have had a very rough couple of months with your vertigo, this new violent student.

Dear sister, I hope you are able to have some relaxing days, doing what you want to do, to refresh yourself.

Is your vertigo better? My right side headache is slowly going away. It has been hard to be motivated.
That makes a difference for us too, when we are not going for walks.
When we get back to our routine, we should feel a bit better.
We had a violent student last year. Our SPED teacher was so drained, Feeling , as well as our SCC, she worked very hard to find solutions. It was exhausting for the team. They had to move out of the classroom because of the outbursts. Are you getting any help?

Oooops, I shouldn't be talking about work, we are off.

I finally put up my Charlie Brown tree, it is a "Hawaiian" Christmas tree, a Norfolk Pine. Son and I hiked to get it. It is actually the top of a 15 foot tree. (They are invasive, so it is a good thing to cut them) ahem.
Well, this tree, must have grown fighting some wind, her branches are a bit askew. She is doing the hula, I think.
I like her, she fits my mood, it will not be a perfect Christmas, I am a bit askew, too.
But that is okay.

We will be okay Feeling.
I wish I could send you some sunshine. (it is rainy and windy here, at the moment.....)

Ok wait, here is some sunshine....

Now, something a little more moving

This is us together Feeling, we are going to get up and shake this thing off,
live, really, live....this hula was performed as a 'maimed" hula, but this Kumu (teacher) said, no, we will not do it like that we will do it like this........

feel the vibrance of the beating drum, the energy and precision of the dance.

We are not broken, Feeling

We shall create our own dance.

We shall rise and sore above it all.

We will Little Bird, when we are good and ready, we will...

(((HUGS)))
leafy

 

[Feeling Sad]

Thank you, Leafy.

I am truly blessed to know you!

You always know the perfect thing to say.

They do look like warriors!

 

[New Leaf]

Thank you, Leafy.

I am truly blessed to know you!

You always know the perfect thing to say.

They do look like warriors!

Hah I just noticed my spelling rise and sore...soar, we will soar!!!

 

[Feeling Sad]

Perhaps, a Freudian slip???

 

[Feeling Sad]

Anyway...If I danced like that...I would most definitely be sore!!!

 

[New Leaf]

They have really strong thighs....speaking of which- here is some eye candy, we are older but we can still appreciate this....
2009 Merrie Monarch Men Kahiko Winners - Ke Kai O Kahiki

yah boys.......
strong
we going be strong.......

 

[Copabanana]

Copa, you are correct...he changed his mind. He also argued with his voices about not wanting to kill his mom.

You let him go to live his life. You could not protect him. All those years you and he both living like prisoners. Did it help him? No.

You could not keep him safe from his illness. He has a chance now. Actually, he is doing it. In a manner of speaking he is functioning. He has a chance.

Give yourself a chance Feeling. You did not throw him out. You asked for intervention and lost control of the situation. What happened is what happened. It was not you who chose. This is life.

Now it is between your son (your oldest) and the institutions in society that can intervene to support him, to keep him and others safe, and hopefully, to treat him.

A mother was never equipped to do this. That you did for so many years is testimony to your great love and guilt and also because you were so traumatized by your early years.

Feeling, do you see how your thinking does not allow you escape? You hold yourself responsible for everything, it seems.

You know you did the only possible thing to call the police. That you accept. You know that the outcome you hoped for was not realized. You do not blame yourself for that. You know that there is hope now, for your son. You know that you could not help him while he was home. Each of these things you accept.

OK. I understand. It is because you feel you failed him because he fought his voices, to protect you. And you did not repay him, for that loyalty. You feel you sacrificed him, to save yourself and your son.

Kind of like: He fought for you. You needed to repay him in the same way. What? So that he could fight with his voices more, about the matter of killing you? Is that the preferred outcome?

Well, let me tell you Feeling. You did fight for him. For years and years and years. It did not help him. At enormous cost to you.

Nothing what so ever would have been gained by continuing. For him. He would have gained nothing. And you? I cannot imagine how you could have endured much more. And your son? Should he have paid the price?

I will tell you what the psychiatrist I spoke to for those months told me about my own son (who he does not know.) He will find help and solutions from the County. A private psychiatrist will never work with somebody like your son. He will find help from the County Mental Health and residential treatment. Those programs are equipped to work with mentally ill adults. Not mothers. Or even private psychiatrists.

I hope you are not mad at me.

I do not want you to punish yourself anymore for something that you did not cause. You have no role here as a perpetrator or a guilty party in any of it. None of it. You are a survivor in a very sad story.

You are less sad. I know it. I can feel it. But I want for you to have some peace. Some comfort. Some respite.

I want you to go to parties.

COPA

 

[Feeling Sad]

Thank you, Copa. You are right. My feelings are not logical. Once they are clearly laid out, I can see that better.

But, you know what I mean. He was trying to keep me safe... It makes me feel like I should be keeping him safe. I do not want him living in his old car. He is very child-like in some ways. It is like desserting a child...a tall violent child, but albeit, a 'child'.

You are right. We were in danger. Therapists say that I was very lucky to have heard him arguing that night.

If he had followed through, I would be dead. Somerimes I need to go to the worse case scenario to accept the true... poor outcome.

Leafy, thank you for the very 'educational' video on male Hawaiian dancers! Do you or your husband do Hawaiian dances?

"They will be okay. They are finding their way. They will be okay."

Yes, I am a bit stronger...my psychological state, not my thighs...roar.

 

[New Leaf]

He is very child-like in some ways. It is like desserting a child...a tall violent child, but albeit, a 'child'.

Feeling, it is similar with my eldest, she is not in her right mind. She would bring her street friends over, break in, steal from us.

You are right. We were in danger. Therapists say that I was very lucky to have heard him arguing that night.
If he had followed through, I would be dead.

That is unacceptable Feeling. He would have to live with that the rest of his life. Your other two boys also.

Sometimes I need to go to the worse case scenario to accept the true... poor outcome.

The true poor outcome is more acceptable than what could have been, Feeling. Unfortunately, it is the only thing right now. Just like for my two. The hard reality is that they do not do well under my roof, even for my grands. That is the toughest part for me, my grands didn't deserve any of this either. It is reality....I gave them all to God to watch over, I have faith that He will take care of them. I have to, otherwise I will go bonkers....

Leafy, thank you for the very 'educational' video on male Hawaiian dancers! Do you or your husband do Hawaiian dances?

You're welcome Feeling.
I used to dance with my girls, a long time ago. My thighs get sore watching. Hubs, appreciates his culture, but was brought up during a time of rediscovering of sorts. It was not a good thing to be Hawaiian, you know? Then, in the 70's there was a cultural renaissance. Our children are benefitting from this now.

"They will be okay. They are finding their way. They will be okay."

They will be okay. They are finding their way. They will be okay.
Yes Feeling. We need to live our lives.
Copa is absolutely right, your son will fare much better, he will be okay.

Yes, I am a bit stronger...my psychological state, not my thighs...roar.

Hahaha. Good, yes, I am feeling better, too.

What is our word of the day Feeling? I miss that......

Roar, Little Bird,
ROAR!

(((HUGS)))
leafy

 

[New Leaf]

Hi Little Bird, I hope you are doing okay this Christmas Eve.
I am sending you heartfelt aloha and wishes for Happy Holidays.......
I do not have a fireplace here, do you?
Here is one. From me to you.......


Wishing you comfort and joy, and peace of mind and heart.

Meke Kalikimaka, Hau'oli Makahiki Hou

(((HUGS)))
leafy

 

[Feeling Sad]

Thank you, Leafy. I always love your heartfelt videos. You always manage to find perfect ones to fit each situation!

Yes, I have a fire place...but I have not used it in years. I have my mother's ecru Queen Anne chairs right in front of it. My heater is working off and on, so I might need to start using it...

This has been a very difficult Christmas. I am sure that other parents on this site find the holidays especially hard to bear. I wish that I could cry...but alas and alack, I can't.

My middle son came down to see us. He ran out of antidepressant pills and did not see his doctor, so he was going through withdrawals. My heart is breaking. Down here, he cannot see a doctor for more pills because they have to monitor him. He has promised to see a doctor up there on Monday... I do not think he will.

He was tired and his eyes felt 'funny'. I was glad to see him, but I was sad that he stopped his pills after only a month.

I hope that you are having a wonderful holiday in paradise!

I wish to send a Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays wish to all that follow this site. God's peace. May our children be fed, warm, and sheltered.

Word of the day...'cherish'.

 

[Feeling Sad]

Hi, Copa. How are you doing? Are you by a fire? Are you in contact with your son?

 

[Copabanana]

Hi Feeling Sad.

I am glad your middle son came to visit. He stopped the antidepressants just as they were kicking in. That is too bad.

I think your middle son could see a doctor on Friday if he was able to get an appointment, just using your address. But he will manage it himself.

There is a sadness for many of us. I have been checking the board for the last 48 hours and so many new people have visited. There is one mother with a son who might be seriously ill.

I did hear from my own son yesterday, who seems in a better place. He is so dependent upon the goodwill of others. That troubles me. But I am grateful he called and grateful that the call was loving. And that he is OK.

I will be glad when today is over. Too much pressure. I am reading a good mystery so will soon crawl into bed to finish it.

We will all get through New Years and then everything I hope will look up.

Merry Christmas, Feeling.

COPA

 

[Copabanana]

We are by the fireplace but without a fire. The boxer Dolly is on a bed in front of the fire, and Romy in his kennel next to her. M is watching John Wayne with the cat in her bed next to Romy. And I am sitting on the couch, maybe 6 or 8 feet from them all.

We have never made a fire although I want to. I bought all this iron cookware so we could cook in there, but have yet made use of it. I go overboard in all things.

My fear about the fireplace is that it is one of those zero clearance ones. My house was built in 2003 or 2004. Once somembody, I think it was the home inspector, said it was suitable for presto log fires but not normal ones. I called a chimney sweep and he said that was nonsense. Still it stuck with me. The nervousness.

So, we are here. I am waiting patiently for Christmas to end. Not very Christmasy. We do not even have a tree. Although I have bags and boxes full of decorations.

I am glad you are here, Feeling. I am glad you checked in.

COPA

 

[Feeling Sad]

The only reason I have a tree is because my youngest brought one home for us to decorate.

Buying a lot is the aching sadness. You get a quick rush...then down into the doldrums again... I buy too much as well. I buy gifts for the future, yet it is still too much. If I knew your address, I would send you one...or ten.

Your cozy description sounds very nice and homey, just as holidays should be.