Feeling Sad---Son is Homeless

[Feeling Sad]

Thank you, Leafy. My son just came home. He loves going through my gifts...grabbing the gift cards.

He is happy and laughing. He is getting better after his break-up.

How are you? What is new? I feel so bad about neglecting you guys. I am just burned out and sad.

With writing so many reports, it is hard to face a computer when you get home. My health feels a bit better. I will start walking every day again. I have had some mild vertigo some days. The doctor does not know the cause...but my brain looks good. Valium makes me tired, so I refrain from employing it.

The holidays makes everything more poignant...I miss my ill son. Is he eating? Is he warm enough? Are his voices plaguing him? He is still in the general area. He got another parking ticket. I am glad for his small joint account. I know that he is alive.

I am trying to count my blessings...truly I am. Being single makes it more difficult. I am strong alone. I am strong for my other 2 sons. I need to be whole and present for them. I need to be able to perform at work to live and support myself. Teaching is my forte. There is no time to just breakdown or relax.

Besides...I cannot cry. It has been psychologically beaten out of me. I do not cry. I just feel sad...hence the name.

Thank you, Leafy, for your beautiful video. They always cheer me up!

 

[New Leaf]

I am trying to count my blessings...truly I am. Being single makes it more difficult. I am strong alone. I am strong for my other 2 sons. I need to be whole and present for them. I need to be able to perform at work to live and support myself. Teaching is my forte. There is no time to just breakdown or relax.

Feeling, I think am going through something similar to your vertigo, except it feels like the whole right side of my head is affected. Like a migraine, but it never intensified to one. I have had it for about three days now. It is not a stroke, my movement is okay. I had kids in the health room with the same thing. All sorts of weird stuff going round the school........

Feeling you are a fine, awesome, witty intelligent, beautiful soul.
You are here, and you are doing this.

You are a warrior.

I am blessed to have you as my cyber sister little bird.

Thank you

tweet, tweet
(((HUGS)))
leafy

 

[Feeling Sad]

Leafy...I cannot cry, but I am tearing up. I am truly blessed to know you!

You have a gigantic heart.

 

[New Leaf]

Little bird, feel what you have to feel, it is okay to cry. Crying is good. It is cleansing. Holding it back, no, no. We can only be so strong. I was told not to cry as a child.
I will cry, when I need to, there is nothing wrong with crying.

You are human Feeling, you do not have to hold on to all of this, let it go........

I am crying with you Feeling, it will be alright....
leafy

 

[Copabanana]

The holidays makes everything more poignant...I miss my ill son. Is he eating? Is he warm enough?

My son left where he was, the stable situation with the friend and his father. As best I can understand there was a showdown about marijuana. It seems the father thought that my son may have been a bad influence with his son. But because my son lies, there may have been something more to it. My son could not understand that he has to accept the authority of the father. He stood up to him. There was an argument. He refused to leave. The Dad threatened to call the cops.

My son called me asking for help to return to my small city. I refused. He called a few days later. He is in Oregon living in some homeless camp in somebody's car. He sounded content. Not afraid. Kind of pleased with himself. I guess because for now he has landed on his feet.

He wanted to know if there was anything about it that was not his fault. Even 10 percent. I said I thought, no. That what he did not want to understand was that as long as he is dependent upon others, he has to at least try to understand their point of view and accept their rules. Those with the power have the power to impose the rules. Until he understood that he would be vulnerable. He kept flaunting the marijuana in the Dad's face. Acting the same way he does here.

I also said that he knew the beliefs of the Dad. He accepted the Dad's help knowing going into the situation, what the Dad's were.

My son does not understand respect and loyalty. He values reason and logic. He does not understand or want to accept that care and loyalty and respect have a place in relationships, too.

At the end the son allied with his Dad, and my son was sacrificed. What my son told me was that the Dad overheard the son asking my son to get marijuana at the dispensary. He heard my son say, OK. My son does not understand that the son did the right thing, to stand with his Dad. My son is foolish, I think.

So, I am worried and sad about my son, too. We are back to a situation where M and I are the only ones he has. These friends were it. My son has always gotten help from others very easily. People want to help him out. Now nobody is left. Except us.

And I no longer want to help. Not to live like he is doing.

My son is in a homeless camp in Oregon. Great.

COPA

 

[New Leaf]

Calling all the angels to soothe and keep you, Copa and Feeling,
I am so sorry, so very, very sorry for this pain, it is unbearable.......

loving hugs to all of us......

sad leafy

 

[Feeling Sad]

Leafy...I love that song!

Copa, I am so sorry. You did the right thing. Hopefully, he will figure it out. At least he contacts you. You can choose, each time, what to do.

Recognize that the fact that he contacts you is a blessing. I would do anything for that!!!

Stand firm. You did what you should do given his behavior. I know that it is difficult. Our hearts figuratively 'bleed' for our children. Yes, you cannot have him in your town, yet you suffer, never the less.

I have said this before. When I played with my Barbie growing up I never, in my wildest dreams, imagined this adult life for myself.

As a girl, my only issues were...what would Barbie wear?.. Why don't I have a Ken? No wonder she never had any dates...even with a full set of lingerie!

 

[Feeling Sad]

Leafy, I actually cannot cry. It started with the abuse from my first husband. Or...maybe when I was 11.

I am not able to cry. He got more violent when I cried. I also, I guess, did not want to give him the satisfaction. My spigots are turned off. I cannot fix it. It is frustrating, but I cannot cry. PTSD is strange. I block out things without will. I have had to be strong. It is not that I do not want to cry...I can't cty. I,wish that I could...

 

[Feeling Sad]

Copa, your son will make more stable relationships. He will learn from this experience. He will hopefully learn that his actions affect others. To keep friends he has to respects others' feelings and the rules of the household.

 

[Copabanana]

As a girl, my only issues were...what would Barbie wear?.. Why don't I have a Ken? No wonder she never had any dates...even with a full set of lingerie!

I am a bit too old to have had Barbies. I was a paper doll girl. My favorites were movie stars. I remember Cyd Charisse as a favorite. She just died recently.

I read somewhere, or heard it that if any of us knew what faced us in life we wouldn't want to live it. Even garden variety pain, the disappointments that are an inevitable part of life are too much to bear.

Even in my 40's or well into my 50's I could not have anticipated the suffering I have had.

I wonder if it is us. If we are somehow different. Because rarely do people talk about it, in my experience.

As I write this I am remembering that in two phone calls from my son, he did not talk about his conspiracies. So maybe he is listening to me. Or maybe after all is said and done he is realizing he needs to protect me a little bit, our relationship.

M is very discouraged about how my son has gone down the tubes in the 6 years he has known him. M adored my son at first, thought he was a spectacular person. Until he got to know him. That is the son I miss. I miss my son, too, Feeling.

Maybe there is hope for us, Feeling. For you and me. And our boys.

COPA

 

[Copabanana]

I will tell you what so impressed M about my son 6 years ago. My son is multilingual and able to speak Spanish fluently, and Portuguese too, which I brag about. He acted humble and deferential. He had lived and traveled in Latin America and could relate to something other than the garden variety culture here. He is very, very bright. He could relate and tried to. He did not act like he was the center of the world. Entitled.

He has lost almost all of that. He is arrogant and he imposes his views on others. There is nothing humble about him. He defers to nobody. He wants to learn from nobody. He is a user and he lies.

I understand he is trying to be a man. But why this type?

COPA

 

[Copabanana]

Our hearts figuratively 'bleed' for our children. Yes

I think they literally bleed, our hearts.

My grandmother died of a massive heart attack from grief and fear. I believe this is all too common.

All the more reason to get a hold of ourselves.

I am glad to hear you are walking. And it sounds like the Vertigo is a bit better. You are on the mend, Feeling. Good. Little by little.


COPA

 

[Copabanana]

You are on the mend, Feeling. Good. Little by little.

Feeling!!! You can change your name to "Feeling Good."

COPA

 

[New Leaf]

Feeling!!! You can change your name to "Feeling Good."

 

[Feeling Sad]

Thank you, but I am not there yet.

It is more like Feeling A Bit Better Sometimes On Some Days. Too long!

 

[Copabanana]

Feeling sad you are now christened FABB (as in fabulous.)

 

[Copabanana]

Feeling, how is your middle son doing? The last we heard he had gotten the tutor and started the anti-depressants. Are finals done? Is he coming home? I forget.

Do you have a tree?

COPA

 

[Copabanana]

Hi Feeling (as in FABB, feeling a little bit better)

Have a good week. You are an inspiration. *I will start walking this week and I will do my mammography and blood work. *4 years late.

COPA

 

[Feeling Sad]

Yes, my youngest son brought home a tree for us as a surprise.

My middle son still has not decided if he wants to come down, meet me halfway at Morro Bay, or have me come up there. I think that he is still very down. I do not want to pressure him, but I miss him a lot and am worried about him.

I miss my eldest son horribly. He would not come out of his room for holidays...but he was, at least, here.

It was very difficult shopping for my other 2 sons. I kept finding something for him...and then that sad sinking feeling would wash over me. He is gone. He is homeless. It is difficult to turn it off after 35 years.

This is a sad Christmas. A friend of mine who I hadn't seen in a long time invited me over for a party. She has no knowledge of my son being ill or the restraining order. I could not go. I was not up to seeing her family with husbands, fiances, and a granddaughter. I did not want to play actress. It was not in me.

I cannot mend my heart because I can't forget that my son, albeit due to his illness, tried to kill me and changed his mind.

How does a mother's heart mend after that? How do I resolve it in my mind? Will it ever fade? I want to hug my son, not fear him.

At times, I still play that sad 'what I should have done differently' game in my head. I feel like I want to cry a lot of the time...but I have not been able to cry, for the most part, for 20 years.

Funny, he would never let me hug him as an adult. The last time that I did, it was before his schizophrenia. He had caught a virus in Cancun on his senior trip. He was delirious with fever...

 

[Feeling Sad]

Copa, my tests in the hospital do not cancel out my overdue tests. In the E.R. they just do quick tests, although it took 7 hours.

Yes, the 5 minute CAT scan looked clear and I am very relieved, but the doctor said that I still need my hour long MRI, with and without contrast. Ditto on the prediabetes... I am due for a mammogram, as well. The last few nights, I did not walk, because I am so down. So I am not in any way an inspiration. Thank you for the compliment though.

I appreciate how you are able to put a positive spin on things. That is a gift. You are the inspiration!