Feeling Sad---Son is Homeless

[Feeling Sad]

I have been having a very rough go of it.

The good things first, my son adopted a 2 year old husky and he called him Scout. He stays outside and in his room, and I haven't had any major allergy issues. The bonus is seeing my youngest son happy. The restraining order had negatively impacted him because he felt guilty for being the one who let the police into the house. He had to see my ill son's face as the police pulled him out of his room in his boxers and interrogated him.

My youngest son worried about my safety...daily. I never knew to what extent.

My therapist wanted me to try to think of the positives since having to file a restraining order against my 35 year old schizophrenic son. He had held a jagged bottle to my throat and a few weeks later, had argued with his voices about not wanting to kill me.

The police refused to go into the house that night because I had "just happened to overhear him talking to himself". After staying 6 days in an hotel to file a restraining order, the police and a mental health worker from the county did not think that he qualified, that day, for a 5150. He was served and escorted out of our tract. I was down the street, alone.

I am grateful that my youngest son was not hurt or killed. I am grateful that he is able to just be a more 'normal' young adult.

These are the only things.

It does not register to be glad that I am not dead. Too much numbing out in my life. I am working on this issue.

It is very difficult to detach when I know that he is not in touch with reality. The concept of tough love does not fit paranoid schizophrenia.

I understand parents who are employing this strategy. But, I miss my son so much...every day. I cannot cry, but my heart is in my throat all of the time. I would give anything to just see him and put my arms around him. I would tell him that I am not mad at him and that I love him. I am slowly unraveling because I might not ever see him again before I die. I think about seeing him from Heaven.

He refused treatment for 9 years because of anosognosia, or lack of insight. It is very common with schizophrenia. It is not his fault that he has this horrible illness. It is not his fault that he repeatedly refused to see a doctor. In fact, that is what caused him to become even more violent. His voices made him petrified of the idea.

I gave advice about a week ago on a thread to a mother, who's mentally ill daughter had been hospitalized 3 times this year due to thoughts or attempts of suicide. Her daughter had cut ties with her.

I could not give the routine rhetoric of detaching. I was a Psychology Major and worked on the Helpline. My very first call was for a suicide attempt. A worried mother from Colorado called and told me that her son had taken pills. I called her son. He kept on saying that he was tired and wanted to lie down. I finally was able to get what type of pills he took, the amount, and his address after many tries. I called the police and doctor backup. I saved his life.

Later, I worked in conjunction with Protective Services and saved 2 babies and 2 five year old twins lives.

I cannot detach, nor do I feel that I should. My son is not in his right mind. The police and the mental health system have failed me. I worry about my son and what he might do to himself. There is a high rate of suicide, about 10% per year with schizophrenics. I do not want others to prey upon him in his confused state. Years ago, one of my schizophrenic sisters was kidnapped by a pimp and forced to turn tricks.

A woman from England, who responded to an article in the Guardian, summed it up very aptly.

"Paranoia causes the person not to want medication. And not taking antipsychotic medicines aggravates the paranoia, which means that the only way to help the person, is to force him into a program. I am a mother of such a patient and the whole family has gone through Hell and back, including my son, of course. We do our best to stay strong amidst the trauma and heartache, the worry and the financial cost. But the system has NEVER EVER supported us. Police let him go, hospitals let him go, and he is super sharp in threatening situations. I have given up. It is not the right of this illness to cause him to live in imagined agony that everybody else is causing. It is not the right of this illness to destroy the family. It is not the right of this illness to cause me, his mother who loves him dearly, to suffer all the pain and destruction, all the swearing and demands, and attacks and threats and deepest concern for him and all of us and, for that matter, all in contact with him, day in and day out. I give every penny that I earn to him to at least know that he is safe somewhere. He is my child. It is OK, but it is never-ending and it has consumed me. I hate this illness and despise the state's nonchalance about it. You have forsaken us".

I call to hear his recent activities on our small joint account that I keep a small amount of money in for him. He is moving further away and is in a different town. But, HE IS ALIVE.

This is all that I have. Eagerly, nervously listening to a strange female's robotic voice.

Fearing that there will be no activity. Fearing that I will never ever see my son again.

The system has "forsaken us".

 

[BusynMember]

Schizophrenia is a serious psychosis. Tough love does not work because they really dont know what is real. It isnt a choice to become that sick. It must be heartbreaking that he is too lost in his psychosis not to know how to let you and professionals help him.
Your situation is way different from most others here. I wish that I had advice. I dont know how many people here know how schizophrenia steals a persons mind, but I saw a lot of it when I spent ten weeks in a psyche hospital. We depressives and those with mania, once medicated, were sick, but we were sane and did not live in a fsntasy world. The schizophrenics were not in touch with reality. I remember a woman who screamed that she saw a man with a knife and she couldnt stop screaming and had to be subdued. Of course, there was no man. She was hallucinating.
That is but one example only.
My heart truly goes out to you and your son.
There are forums for schizophrenia.

 

[New Leaf]

Feeling, it has been a while since you have posted. I have missed you. I am sorry you are feeling so sad and having a rough time. It is hard to go through what you are going through. My dear, dear sister, I am sorry. Schizophrenia is a terrible illness. I can't begin to imagine the pain of it, especially growing up with your sister, living with the horrors it presented for her and your family.
There was nothing else you could do, dear friend. Nothing. I know that is part of the pain of it as well. Likewise, there is nothing I can do for my two. They are on a much different path than your son, with their addiction. Nevertheless, I have had to try to find peace of mind in spite of our situation.

Feeling, you sit with your feelings as long as you need to. They are yours, and yours alone. It is tragic, and you are grieving. There is no time limit to this.

But, my dear, you are precious in Gods eyes. Please remember that, too.
Every breath you take, is important. You have done much to help others. that is the frustrating part for you, too, I am sure, that you were and are, able to help others.

I am here Feeling, praying for your sadness to flow through and out of you.
Psalm 34:18 “The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.”

Praying also for your son, who is out there finding his way. That he, and all of our CD, children out there will be safe, and find the light in the darkness.

Feel what you need to feel my friend, let it out.

Song for our children

Song for us.......you are not alone Feeling

song for our children

Because they are out there, finding their way, and we are not giving up on them. We only have, Feeling, what we have, that is all we can work with.

I have to believe, with all of my strength, heart and mind, that my two, will make it.
It is because I do believe thoughts and words have power.
It is the concept of the pebble thrown into the water, and the ripples from it reach the other side.
So, I have had to try my best, to turn the misery and despair for my two, and my grands around, to thinking positive thoughts.
It is not easy, but it is important.
It is the one thing that has saved me, because I believe in the power of positive thinking and prayer.
I don't want my desperation and negative thoughts, to add to what is happening with my kids.
That is why I have that mantra, "They are out there finding their way, they will be okay."

Please remind me of this friend, when I am down.

I know it is hard for you Feeling, because of your sons illness.
It is okay for you to feel what you feel.

But, are you able to try, to picture something else in your mind, then the worst case scenario?
One small step at a time little bird.

Thinking of you and wishing you comfort and strength, in this rough time you are having. If I were right there with you Feeling, I would give you the biggest, longest hug ever, and sit with you.
I am sending you big hugs through cyber space my friend, you are not alone.



(((HUGS)))
leafy

 

[InsaneCdn]

"The system has forsaken us."

I'm not dealing with schizophrenia. Just a somewhat unique combination of diagnoses, including but not limited to mental health. And the system says... "there is help available if he wants it" - but the help available is no help at all. There are options, at huge expense and with no guarantees or even any probabilities for success, just "possibilities".

Really? This is as good as we can do in 2015?
It's heartbreaking for me, and my kid is still attached to reality. I can only try to imagine what it is like for you.

 

[BusynMember]

In the us there is nothing for the paranoid psychotic. It isnt even the cost. We have free state hospitals.Sadly the police cant take anyone for help even if psychotic unless he is actively homocidal or suicidal. Its sicker than the sickness.
Paranoid schizophrenics tend to believe everyone is an enemy or fbi agent out to kill or poisen them and in that mindset, they wont go for help as they are not aware that they are sick. They think they are in danger...from everyone. They desperately need antipsychotics but often believe the medications are poisen.
It has hard to do anything for them and our mental health system is useless unless the person is sane enough to want help. Depessives are not insane. They can decide to get help. Most mood disordered people are sane enough to get help if the person wants to.
A paranoid schizophrenic is incapable of knowing he/she needs help.
Ic, I sure hope it is better in canada. It stinks here. Very sad.

 

[InsaneCdn]

Ic, I sure hope it is better in canada. It stinks here. Very sad.

Unfortunately, it's the same here.

 

[Feeling Sad]

No, SWOT, they closed most of the mental hospitals and there are much fewer beds available. Even if they do hold someone, it is for only 72 hours. Very rarely it is for 14 days. The crisis intervention police told me that often the people that they bring in are released and beat them back into town. They have to be evaluated when they arrive and many are perceived as well enough to go home then.

While they are there, they cannot be forced to take medications. There are people who go to the hospitals on a regular basis that tell patients what to say to refuse medication. There are signs up about their rights.

Rarely, if a person is violent, they might give them an injection.

If a patient has abused drugs such as pot or alcohol, it takes longer than the 72 hours to clear the system for the medication to help.

They are discharged with a follow-up appointment and some medications. The medications are usually dumped and they are too afraid or still believe that they are not ill. They never keep the appointment. They are now very angry and untrusting of their family.

This happened with my eldest schizophrenic sister. She threw the medications away in the parking lot. She has never been on medications since. She had driven onto the exit of the freeway! She only got 72 hours. I was told that "there was no law against being crazy".

After the police refused to come into the house, I called the next day. I was told, while I was in a hotel, that there was no longer a problem. The commander laughed and said that the police are not psychologists. He said that they are there to protect people. I asked, "Who is protecting my son" and he laughed again. He made fun of me because I sounded upset.

Later, I was told a possible disciplanary action was going to be taken because they had 3 private talks and refused to even come into my house that evening.

All 3 of the officers lied and told their superiors that they had offered to come in.

I had even asked for crisis trained officers and was told by dispatch that I would get whomever is closest.
The dispatch had told me that I could receive an emergency restraining order. Yeah, right!

If they tell them that they plan to dig for food in the dumpster behind McDonalds, that counts as a viable 'plan'. My son had a bit of money from taxes from my father's estate that he was not to touch except for school. He told the police that he could use that money to live.

My son had not worked, gone to school, or seen or talked to any friends for 9 years. They thought that he was 'well' enough to be homeless. He lied about everything. He had a large Butcher knife, a box cutter, and a hammer in his room. He had holes in his walls. He was skinny. They saw that he was ill, but not ill enough to qualify.

There was no immediate risk 6 days later, after I went to court before a judge to file a restraining order.

My son is paranoid. He will never come back home or call me. He is not allowed per the restraining order. But, he would not anyway after having 5 officers drive him out of the tract. His delusions, I am sure, are even worse now. I am sure that he feels that they are all trying to get him and I and my youngest son are envolved in the 'plot'. We are still at risk. My ill son thought that he owned the house.

You cannot receive SSI unless you are identified and can show that, even with medications, you are unable to work. He never once saw a doctor because he did not feel that he was sick. He was petrified to see a doctor. He became even more violent the more I pushed the point.

He never wanted to go onto SSI because he felt that he could not get a job afterwards. That is why I put a small amount of money into our joint account. I do not want him to starve.

The system is profoundly broken. I will probably never see my son again. The order is for 5 years, the maximum amount awarded, but even after that time has passed, he will not feel safe enough to contact us. His worst delusions were realized. He feels that he was correct all along...

 

[detachingmother]

The system sure is broken. I wish we could change that, but since we can't we have to try and keep ourselves healthy. I'm living that too for the most part.

Hugs to you. You are't alone that's for sure.

I would write more, but I have to go for now.

Try and do something nice for YOU today. Even if it's something small.

 

[BusynMember]

The lsychiatric hospitals are now our jails and prisons. Very sad.

 

[New Leaf]

Little bird I hope you are feeling better today.

(((Hugs)))
leafy

 

[Feeling Sad]

Thank you, Leafy. You are a true friend. I loved the videos.

I am hanging in there. It is a nightmare that I can't wake up from. I am trying. We all are doing our best each day.

 

[pasajes4]

Get involved at the local level through NAMI or your city council. Find or start a family support group through your church. Nothing changes if nothing changes. Our church started a support group with 3 families. We now have more than 30. We contact our state officials. We work with the local police. We have community outreach through the local homeless shelters. It is a start. Who better to get involved than us.

 

[Feeling Sad]

I started to go to NAMI support groups on the very same day that my ill son was escorted out I of the tract by the police. I can't go during Winter months because, since my surgery to remove my brain tumor, I am greatly bothered by headlights at night for long distances. My youngest son has taken me a few times. He does not want to go, but he waits for me. He wants to get over it. It makes it more difficult for him to talk about it.

I would love to get involved, but I cannot. I am an elementary level teacher in a very small town. Everyone knows everyone. I knew 2 of the police officers that day from coming to my school to teach students. Many of my parents each year know my brother from his church. I have sworn him to secrecy.

People are rightfully very concerned about the safety of the students. We had a lock down drill just last week. I had 2 separate therapists express great concern about whether my son knew which school I worked at because of his repeated threats on my life. I told them that I never told him my current school, but it is very easy to find out on line.

I wanted to contact our local political figures when the 3 police officers lied and said that they had offered to come into my house that night. I do not want any notarity and I am afraid of possible repercussions from the police.

I had told a past principal that I went into Special Education because my sister has schizophrenia. I did not mention my other sister or my son. She told me to never ever tell anyone about my sister. I think that she felt that people would view me as someone who could become schizophrenic because my family member was afflicted. Yes, there is a lot of stigma.

Some of my friends are teachers. I have not told them. I have only told 2 of my friends.

My hands are tied until I retire in about 7 years. I call NAMI and speak to them for help at times and I go to a therapist, now every 2 weeks.

Yes, there is horrible stigma. But, I am not in a position right now to be active. It makes it more difficult to bear not being able to discuss it with others. That is why this site is so very helpful.

 

[Copabanana]

I agree Feeling. This site feels very real to me. The support and the knowledge have changed me as much as any or way more than any "real" people could have. I live in a town with family members. They know less (way less) than you do. And I can count on them not at all. Nor they, really, on me.

There is no barrier to me to go to NAMI, yet I do not want to really. Here there are hundreds of parents. I like that. It is as if there is a community. I like that.

I think you may be helped by the need to limit what you say in the workplace and outside. That allows you to have a separate you, that does not need to operate based upon the illness. Because after all it is not you. You have lived a life constrained by it, but it does not have to be you.

I am glad to hear from you. Take care.

COPA

 

[New Leaf]

Hi Little Bird, I hope you are well. I know it is difficult for you not being able to discuss with others what is going on. It is a lot to hold in. We are blessed to have this site to come to.
I agree with Copa that it can be good to have that separation. Before I started to post here I would talk with my friends at work about my situation. I started to feel badly, conversations started to focus too much on my dilemma with my two.....I would jokingly say to my lunch friend that I needed to pay her for the "therapy" sessions. Then I actually went to a counselor. I find, like Copa, that CD provides great relief and is a wonderful, caring and kind community. I have been able to come here and vent, post to others and have somewhat normal conversations at work.

It is good to see you posting, sister.
I hope your weekend was restful.
(((HUGS)))
leafy

 

[Feeling Sad]

You guys always know what to say to make me feel better...thank you.

Another good thing about this site is that all of our thoughts are written down. If you go to a support group, you just have your memories of the session. It is the same with therapy. At times, I write down quick notes afterwards. I try to remember the key points.

On this site, if I am feeling down, I am able to go back and reread helpful comments, as many times that I wish. I am a strong visual learner.

Copa, do you remember when you wrote something to me and I loved it so much, that I wrote it down? Later, it was gone because you had felt uncomfortable about your response and deleted it.

I was fairly new at posting and I thought that I had done something wrong and I had caused it to disappear! I then copied it back down on the site, verbatim. We became good friends after that!

Leafy, did you ever order the glider?

Leafy and Copa, my dear sisters, I hope that things are going okay for you. Take care.

 

[New Leaf]

HI Feeling, yes I did order the glider, slider. Right now, it is a really good towel bar, lol. Been walking, but since I am in school three nights a week, it is hard to add a glide session in.
Son put it together and we played a bit with it. Good workout!
Have you been gliding?

I went home sick from work on Friday with a terrible migraine, almost lost my cookies right in front of students I had to "uku" check (head lice, thank goodness I didn't find any).
Still recovering.
I haven't had a migraine in a long, long time.

No students at work tomorrow, so I will be cleaning up my health room and putting up my spring decor.

Happy Leap Year Day
(((HUGS)))
leafy

 

[Feeling Sad]

I have been trying to see any positive aspect to having filed a restraining order against my schizophrenic son due to my life being in jeopardy.

The fact that I am alive and not dead still does not register. I am sorry, but that is the truth.

I think that it due, in part, to numbing out, or disassociating, because of the extreme threat of violence or death I have endured since I was 11. I also have a very low self-concept. But, I feel that my feelings of motherhood clearly 'out-trumps' my feelings about my personal safety. Yes, I would fight King Kong to save one of my children (insert psychotic schizophrenic for King Kong).

I still cannot even accept the fact that my own son could have killed me. My brain will not register this fact. Yes, it is the illness, and not my son. But, I still cannot internalized that fact.

In fact, I would probably be still 'plugging away' if my youngest son didn't live with us. Sad...but true.

Possessions are no longer being destroyed...zero response. I can have people over...ditto. I do not have to live in fear anymore...no reaction. I am no longer a victim...nothing. Sorry. I am working on it, honestly.

Thus, I must turn my focus to how it has helped my sons. When I think about my sons, I can readily be thankful.

My youngest son is alive. Yes, ALIVE. It is still very surrealistic to even type this fact out. My youngest son is not hurt. My youngest son does not have to live in fear. A quick sidenote; he still keeps a knife by his bed, but that is in case my ill son returns to hurt me, he contends. My youngest son does not worry, as much, about my safety. He can take a job with longer hours or move out. He has freedom to make his own choices without considering my safety in the forefront. He gets more of my focus now. Yes, sad to say, the 'squeaky wheel' gets the oil. I love all of my sons, but the constant chaos threw him into the shadows. My youngest son is not having to deal with my death. Both, the loss, and the feelings that he would feel towards my ill son. My youngest son may now have company over for the first time in TEN YEARS.

My middle son, who is away at college, is free from constantly worrying about the possibility that I would be killed one day. Yes, he slept with a knife at home. He can talk with me on the phone without my ill son smashing something. He does not have to deal with my possible death. He can freely come down to visit without causing an extreme violent reaction from his ill brother.

Lastly, I focus on how my ill son might be better off now. I also helped or saved him. He never had a chance to get better while he lived at home. My fear at his escalating violence only served to enable him. I was inadvertently 'training' him to be more violent to get his way or avoid getting treatment. He is not in prison for possibly killing me. He was not hurt in an altercation with the police. He is not living with guilt about possibly killing or harming me. He has a chance to get better now. He is forced to be more independent. He no longer has a room to hide away in. He does not have the same triggers or target; ie me, to deal with. He might seek help because he could grow tired of being homeless or having constant voices. He might be brought in for bizarre behavior. Maybe, on some level, he feels relief that he no longer has to fight his voices to keep me safe. He might feel relieved that he did not hurt or kill me. (He probably still has delusions, but he could possibly have brief moments of a little clarity). Also, I have been told that it was good that I never paid for an apartment for him. He could have hurt or killed someone. My ill son has freedom from his room and now has to be more focused to meet his daily needs. He is interacting more with people, went to a shelter, had labs done, and filled one prescription...that I know of.

These are my 'the glass is half full' thoughts.

 

[InsaneCdn]

Oh, FS. I'm so glad you can focus on your sons right now. Because they were held as much hostage as you were, and were also subjected to the violence, even when it wasn't directed at them. For all of you, it is very hard to move forward. The past has been there for so long that... it clouds every view of the present, and to some extent the future. It does this for all of you, not just you.

 

[Feeling Sad]

You are right, IC. It is as if the prison door is open, but I am still in the cell. I am very slowly 'thawing' out.

My house is still terribly battered. I have large holes in the walls, knife marks on my kitchen counters and cupboards, ripped vinyl flooring, cracked tile, and food and urine stains on my rugs and walls.

It is a literal war zone. Yes, a long battle was forged here.

In the past, if I cleaned up or repaired something, it was very quickly destroyed again. Sadly, my ill son took over my house. I can now put some of my cherished breakables back out, but it still doesn't feel safe enough, yet. It has been 7 months, but I am still very jumpy with an intense startle reflex. I was figuratively and literally beaten into submission.

Also, being depressed robs me of any energy or initiative to fix things. I am trying to do a bit each week. Day by day... I am repairing both my house and my psyche...slowly, but surely.

My whole family is trying to heal, deal with the grief, and retain some hope for the future. My youngest son is doing the best in this department. I am forced to be upbeat and positive for him. That is a good thing. I am forced to go on with my life and get up everyday to face each day. His positive personality affords me a large measure of hope.

My middle son is still dealing with depression, but he seems to be doing a bit better.

We all are trying to heal. We all need hope.

I still think of how my ill son was before he was ravaged by this insidious disease. He would want us to be safe and happy. I am tearing up as I write this. I have not been able to cry since the 70s, but it feels good to have a tear or two...

Thank you, dear friend.