Feeling Sad---Son is Homeless

[New Leaf]

I still think of how my ill son was before he was ravaged by this insidious disease. He would want us to be safe and happy. I am tearing up as I write this. I have not been able to cry since the 70s, but it feels good to have a tear or two...

Hi Feeling just checking in after class, it has been a long day.
Your son would want you all to be safe and happy, that is for sure.
My heart goes out to yours dear sister.

Day by day... I am repairing both my house and my psyche...slowly, but surely.

Slowly but surely, one day at a time, one foot in front of the other.

We all are trying to heal. We all need hope.

Yes, I feel the same. Healing and hope. May God help us all, comfort and guide us and bring us peace of mind and heart.
Good night little Bird, sleep well.
(((HUGS)))
leafy

 

[Feeling Sad]

I think about and have thought about my other sons every day.

The way that people try to heal is so very different.

I need to think about the issues and discuss every nuance. I am trying to figure out a solution or, since that is impossible, I am trying to reconfigure it in my mind to try to find some shred of solace.

Both of my sons, like a lot of men, prefer to not talk about it. They are trying to heal, and when I bring up the past, I am ripping the healing 'bandage' off, so to speak.

My youngest son feels guilty because the police sent him in first, to let them in. Yes, it is not his fault. But, he feels that this is why my ill son has not called him. This is a false belief, but none the less, his feelings. He said that now my ill son knows that I mean business. My therapist said that I am modeling setting up firm boundaries, albeit way past due. I put in that last part.

I am usually upbeat and positive. I force myself. If there is a concern that I bring up, he tells me that there are "too many variables". Yes, there IS no way to figure out what someone who is schizophrenic is going to do.

My middle son is wrestling with depression. He is gravely worried about his welfare. I am extremely positive with him. He wants me to give him money. I tell him what town he is in. When I tell him that he now has a chance to get better and had a prescription filled, he asks me why I keep repeating myself. He says that it is sad and that I sound "broken".

Yes, we all deal with it in our own way. I have suggested support groups and therapy, but they quickly turn them down. They are healing, but it brings it back for them to talk about it.

I am on the opposite side of the spectrum. This is why I 'talk' on this site, as well as, seeing a therapist biweekly now and going to NAMI support groups. I search online in my free time for 'answers'.

Yes, day by day.

 

[New Leaf]

When I tell him that he now has a chance to get better and had a prescription filled, he asks me why I keep repeating myself. He says that it is sad and that I sound "broken".

You are not broken, Feeling, it takes time to get all of this stuff out. You have written these things over and again here, and I understand your need to. I am like this too. It is a woman thing. It is funny, Mom repeats things over to me, when I slip and do the same with her, she is like "You told me this last week."

Both of my sons, like a lot of men, prefer to not talk about it. They are trying to heal, and when I bring up the past, I am ripping the healing 'bandage' off, so to speak.

Yes, Hubs is the same way. I know he is hurting inside, but has to work things out his way. We all process differently. It is good you recognize this Feeling. This is your place to vent, and we understand.

He said that now my ill son knows that I mean business. My therapist said that I am modeling setting up firm boundaries, albeit way past due. I put in that last part.

Yes, modeling setting up firm boundaries. You did the right thing, painful, but the right thing. Thank you Feeling for writing this. I was finding myself drifting to thinking about Rain, how she has been homeless, what Mother lets their daughter be homeless? ME. WHY? We have tried over and over to help, but she is destructive in our home. Stealing, bringing street friends over. It was not a good situation, not healthy for either of us. So, yes, firm boundaries. I do not know what her issues are, now that she has been using so long. Schizophrenia is a horrible illness, as is the effects of meth use. I pray for them, Feeling. They are out there finding their way, they will be okay.
It was impossible for us to keep them at home. We were all prisoners in that respect.
There was nothing else could be done. Help me with this Feeling. I go down that path sometimes too, help me rationalize in my Mother brain and heart that there was absolutely no alternative.

I am on the opposite side of the spectrum. This is why I 'talk' on this site, as well as, seeing a therapist biweekly now and going to NAMI support groups. I search online in my free time for 'answers'.

Good, Feeling, I am glad you are seeing your therapist biweekly and going to support groups. It is good to be out there face to face with people, being able to talk things through with another human being. I am uplifted by your post.

On another note, I am going for a second certification, college course, three nights a week-four hours. We are in week two of seven. There were some pieces of the course that didn't sit right with me, but Cedar said "You are there, just do it." So, yes, okay, I am doing it......I aced my first exam (YAY ME!).

Last night, I had a very vivid dream of my Tornado and I hugging. I think my tired brain is on overload....it's been six months since I have seen her. I hope she had the same dream, it was very real.

I do hope and pray for my girls, that they are okay, that God is watching over them.
I do the same for your son, and all of our CD kids and parents.
We need to be okay, too.
This is the rest of all of our lives.
Ever after is here and now.

God watch over us all and help us find peace of mind and heart.

I am glad you posted Feeling.

I have missed you.

(((HUGS)))
leafy

 

[Copabanana]

The fact that I am alive and not dead still does not register. I am sorry, but that is the truth.

You know, I do not remember what I wanted to say to respond to this, but I will invent something.

I am reading a book: At the Existentialist Café. I love it. It is about Sartre and de Beauvoir and Camus and the development of Existentialism. I am learning that the important thing is that we choose. Through our choices we define ourselves. We may not know what is right or wrong when we do it, but we define ourselves.

That is what you did. You defined yourself as a mother and a person that did what she had to do to protect everybody. In this you chose to live. Really live. It is the loneliest of all things to choose, really choose, because nobody can help us. Reassure us. No religion or expert. Only us. That is the moment in which you really defined yourself. You had the courage to go out there into the abyss and to do the right thing not knowing if it was right or wrong, good or bad, whether it would help or hurt. Nobody was with you. Only you.

Now each time the sadness and the doubt descends upon you, you choose again. To see that there was light and right that came from your decision. This takes courage, too, to stand by and to not abandon yourself, to decide not to let yourself hang out in the wind, to dangle there.

Also, I have been told that it was good that I never paid for an apartment for him.

So here I am. I have just paid for an apartment for my son although it has not yet been determined (by him) if he will live there.

So I have a choice, I am learning if I allow myself to dangle in the wind battered by self-accusation or if I reassure myself that all will be well, because I will make it so.

I am glad for your, Feeling, that you are in the place you have come to. I will try to get there too.

COPA

 

[Feeling Sad]

Thank you for your kind words of support. I do pretty well at work because I am busy. But, when I get home and I am alone, it is much more difficult. My family room backs up to his old room. It may sound crazy, but in a way, I miss his banging on the wall. It seems weird now. Yes, I am less scared, but I am profoundly sad. If his door is ever ajar, it scares me because I flashback and think that he is going to get me or destroy something.

Boy, I am messed up. I guess that I am trying to convey that I miss him, but not his violent behavior.

Yes, Leafy, we both made the only possible decision that we could make given the circumstances. We both have a younger son's safety and welfare to be concerned about. No more 'squeaky wheels' getting all of the attention. No more constant chaos. Our youngest sons are safe.

We also have to take care of our health. Stress destroys the body. Yes, sadly, we were prisoners in our own house.

When I get the 'would've, could've, should'ves' I remember what my therapIst told me. "Yes, you could have kept trying. But, you also could be dead". That comment serves to stop my persevering in its tracks.

Leafy, I am proud if you taking classes and the good grade. You go, girl!

Copa, what you wrote really helped me. Yes, it was a choice to live. That is exactly what it came down to. Short and sweet.

I helped my son by paying for an apartment 10 years ago. It was right after he had run off to live in his car for a year up North. He was just starting to get ill. My son's illness is much worse that your son's. It did not work out. But, without trying, I would have always wondered if he would have been better if I had paid for an apartment.

You are blessed. He contacts you for help. Your situation is much more hopeful.

He thought that the other tenants were against him. He was a gifted math major and artist. He said that they complained about the smell of paint thinner in the vents. It made sense, but who knows? He did not answer his phone, leave his apartment to see friends, go to school, or work part time. He would not let us into the gated entrance. The only time I was ever inside was when we helped him to move in. After paying for 6 months, I stopped.

When the apartment did not work out for my son, my therapist told me that my biggest mistake was allowing him to move back home. She then asked me what rules I had in place. None. I was just so grateful that I had him back after a year up North, not knowing where he was. Big mistake. He just continued to get worse and stay completely in his room.

You are doing the right thing. Your situation is not the same. Your son is socialable and wants help.

We all are doing our best to navigate difficult and heart-breaking situations.

Have you bought any good tunics lately? Good night ladies. It is late. I have an IEP tomorrow after school. I get up in 5 1/2 hours. Ugh!

Again, I do my 'best' worrying at night. Take care.

Roar!

 

[Feeling Sad]

Copa, I have not really arrived 'there'. I am just trying to convince myself that I did the right thing, the ONLY thing possible in my situation. No...I am not even close to being 'there'.

I am just tired of my heart aching. I want to feel happy, or at least, more relaxed. I am tired of play-acting. I am still in cotillion wearing my white gloves and acting like everything is fine...while I am screaming on the inside. I am in a nightmare that I cannot wake up from.

I wish that I was in a relationship. At this point, I have nothing to give. I can't even think of dating...flirting...smiling...laughing.

I just get up each day and go through the motions. I had to evacuate my classroom today for the 8th time this year due to a 'meltdown'.

I want to be happy and laugh. I am tired of feeling like I want to cry...and I can't.

I feel guilty even writing that I want to be happy. My ill son is not happy. He is in a living Hell, being plaqued constantly by hostile voices and having scary delusions of persecution. I do not want him to commit suicide.

He NEVER did anything wrong. He never had bad behavior, received straight As, four years advanced in school, and never made bad choices. He was very kind, bright, and so very gifted. He does not deserve this daily ongoing torture.

My 'motherly'genes gave him this curse! I caused it. Yes, I know that I did not actively will it into being, but none the less, I caused it.

Some people write online, when their schizophrenic loved one commits suicide, that they have 'earned it' and they deserve to rest in peace.

When my schizophrenic sister died last year at the age of 64, the hospital convinced me to have a DNR, or a do not resuscitate, in place. The head nurse had asked me, "Do you want your sister to continue to be tortured and have her mind in a prison?"

I don't even remember what it felt like to be happy...truly down to my toes happy.

 

[Copabanana]

I wish that I was in a relationship. At this point, I have nothing to give

You have yourself to give, Feeling. That is enough. It is all that a good man would want.

I don't even remember what it felt like to be happy...truly down to my toes happy.

You cannot wait to be happy, to consider a friendship, a relationship.

We have been thinking about joy. Whether love is really a word for joy. To wait for happy misses the point. We cannot be joyful without others. It is like a single hand clapping.

The cotillion/Emily Post view of life is not serving you now, Feeling. I wish somebody would just knock on your door, as did M, mine. The likelihood of that is small.

Nothing about your suffering and self-denial will make it better for your son. I know that. Because it has not worked for me.

I wish for you and I that our lives were not so hard.

COPA

 

[InsaneCdn]

My 'motherly'genes gave him this curse! I caused it. Yes, I know that I did not actively will it into being, but none the less, I caused it.

Sorry, Feeling Sad. You did not cause it. Not just because you didn't actively cause it, but because, even with the genetics you brought into the equation, there was absolutely NO guarantee that ANY of your kids would have this. As it stands, one does and two do not. So, how could you have "caused" it in only one out of three?

There is no concept of "cause" with this type of illness. There are genetic pre-dispositions. There are all sorts of other factors we do not know about. What really causes it? Even scientists don't know.

Please be kind to yourself.

 

[New Leaf]

I am just tired of my heart aching. I want to feel happy, or at least, more relaxed.

Feeling, I am so glad to see you writing this. You are thinking about it, it will come to you. You deserve happiness.

I wish that I was in a relationship. At this point, I have nothing to give. I can't even think of dating...flirting...smiling...laughing.

A hah! I will pray for a knight in shining armor to come and rescue my friend. You are worth way more than your relationship with your Strider.
You have much to give, so much.
Stop being mean to yourself.

What will he look like, Feeling?

I am practicing Viktor Frankls idea of "crabbing" aiming high so that we hit our mark.

So I am sending thoughts across the universe for a kind, handsome, sensitive, intelligent, fun loving, hard working, gentleman, who knows how to fix up houses, to come into my sister Feelings life.

I want to be happy and laugh. I am tired of feeling like I want to cry...


I don't even remember what it felt like to be happy...truly down to my toes happy.

I am praying for you to feel down to your toes happy. You deserve to Feeling, you really, really do.

(((HUGS)))
leafy

ps: hubs is wondering what I am doing looking at silver foxes..........

 

[Feeling Sad]

Leafy, you made me laugh about your husband wondering why you are looking at silver foxes! Maybe he will think that you are on the prowl and want to talk with you more...

Yes, I would take any of those. My second husband was nine years younger and extremely handsome. But, sadly, he was also sociopathic... Not a good trade off.

My poor therapist is trying to build my self concept. It is not working yet, but she is sweet to try. She wants me to list the things that are positive for me since the restraining order with my ill son.

Top of the list should be that I am not dead...but it still does not register. I guess that I have been numbing out too long, over 50 years. I also can't cry. I can tear up and then it stops. The spigots have been turned off since the 80s. I never cried about my tumor.

She did not like it when I called myself damaged goods. I just cannot flip the switch from my low, no rather, lack of esteem.

We discussed that, again I could have tried longer. But, I also could be dead. My son could not have been in an apartment. It would have been dangerous for others AND him. She said that it would have made him worse to be alone 24/7.

He probably has some insight, she said, and he chose not to get treatment. He was able to lie to the police. This helps me the most to feel less guilty. I have been told this before on this thread. I will hold tightly onto this thought. It makes me feel less at fault. I did try relentlessly.

Copa, someone IS going to have to come to my door that I can meet. Did you really meet M that way? I feel empty inside. I used to be attractive, but now I feel like I am 90.

Leafy, was your dream a good dream? I hope that it was.

I had one awhile back, but it was a horrible dream. He looked so different. He was wearing a ragged sports jacket and had a scraggly beard and long hair. His eyes looked very wild. He quickly came towards me to give me a hug...and I woke up screaming. He did not say anything in the dream, but I was afraid of him, none the less. I was left feeling very sad. I guess that my nomer fits.

My son up North informed me that he has been purposely saving money. He wants to donate $1,000 to help his ill brother. I will put it in by small increments. He also was awarded an internship in research several months back, on top of his other job at school.

I have wonderful sons. Yes, I have things to be thankful for.

My youngest son finished his 4 years of college on the Dean's List every semester. He wants to take a short break before starting his Masters. He LOVES his dog, Scout. He does not give me allergies because my son keeps him outside and in his room. He also sweeps and vacuums a lot.

Yes...I have good sons. Even my ill son is a good son. He is in there still...down deep. He fought his voices to keep me safe.

Okay, now I am tearing up. I miss him so much! In my next dream, scary or not, I am going to give him a hug...

 

[Feeling Sad]

Leafy, I think that the guy in the middle would fight me for the mirror too much!!!

Yes, he IS a silver fox, but he knows it! No, I choose either of the 'bookends'... Either one is 'cuter' than my Strider.

 

[Copabanana]

All of those guys look gay to me.

I just cannot flip the switch from my low, no rather, lack of esteem.

Personally, I do not think you lack self-esteem. If I had to guess, you have guilt. Your self-esteem is high, I think. Sorry.

Copa, someone IS going to have to come to my door that I can meet. Did you really meet M that way?

Yes. I asked the landscaping contractor if he knew somebody trustworthy and a good person to do inside remodeling. He said, yes. M could do anything and he was a very good man. He knocked on my door. I met his eyes, and I knew at that moment I would spend the rest of my life with him. A thought which immediately I disputed and put out of my mind.

I waited my whole life for him.

I feel empty inside. I used to be attractive, but now I feel like I am 90.

Me too.

He was wearing a ragged sports jacket and had a scraggly beard and long hair. His eyes looked very wild

Oh!! You met my son. Good that he did not have on his ragged hoody for once!!

He wants to donate $1,000 to help his ill brother. I will put it in by small increments.

What a wonderful young man. How is he doing with the depression? Is he still taking the medications?

He also was awarded an internship in research several months back, on top of his other job at school.

Wow. Good for him. Will he go to graduate school?

My youngest son finished his 4 years of college on the Dean's List every semester

Wow.

He LOVES his dog, Scout.

So, so good. I am glad your allergies are not acting up. So good for him to have Scout. Tell us about him.

I am glad you checked in Feeling. I stopped my buying completely. Now I have to sell everything back once I can figure out how to use a digital camera.

COPA

 

[Copabanana]

Feeling, most women in my demographic would never have considered M. First of all, they could not speak to him because he is Spanish-speaking. Second, he is poor. Third, he is undocumented. Four, while he has not seen her for 11 years and does not speak to her, he is still married to a wife, who will not cooperate to get a divorce.

Any one of those things would have turned off most women. I waited my whole life for M. I do not care anymore what his circumstances are. Nothing is as important as the fact that he is such a good man and he is good to me. I enjoy him. I cannot imagine being apart from him, and do not want to be, but of course, this is a possibility. It always is.

I tell you all this because I believe you are closer than you think to finding your true mate. Your vulnerability and your self-examination, and your true wanting to be with somebody to love, all point you in this direction.

Open your eyes and your heart. You will see him and he will see you.

COPA

 

[Copabanana]

I found a couple of photos of male candidates but for some reason your thread is not allowing me to upload photos in a way I understand. One of them is unavailable because he looks like M except his hair is silver and M still has dark brown hair.

COPA

 

[New Leaf]

All of those guys look gay to me.

Well, they are smiling......gay means happy, too. Lol.

Maybe he will think that you are on the prowl and want to talk with you more...

Hahaha, that is funny, Feeling.

Leafy, was your dream a good dream? I hope that it was.

Yes, it actually was a good dream. Tornado was happy and hugging me. That's how I know it was a dream..........

Here are some more yummy photos.......

Real men wear pink......lol

Copa, I want to see your photos, I hope you can upload........

Feeling, he is out there.......somewhere.

(((HUGS)))
leafy

 

[Feeling Sad]

I just feel like a basket case and I am profoundly lonely. It would be nice if met someone. I do not want to go through the rest of my life alone.

Copa, I have both low self esteem and a high level of guilt. In my professional life, I have a good self concept.

But, the trouble lies in my personal self concept. I put up with too much for too long and do not feel that I deserve better treatment. It started when I was 11. I am very strong, but do not have healthy expectations about how I should be treated. I tolerate bad behavior and do not respect myself enough to protect myself. My therapist says that my safety 'barometer' is not working well. This goes for relationships and my family.

At school, I deal with violent behavior. That is part of my job. It is difficult because it brings back so many negative experiences. I am just tired of dealing with difficult issues on a daily basis. I need 'calm' in the storm.

 

[Feeling Sad]

Thank you, sisters. You both are true friends in every sense of the word.

Leafy, thank you for the great photos. Copa, thank you for the sage advice.

Leafy, does Hubs still think that you are checking out men? Maybe you'll get dinner and a movie out of it, if you play your cards right!

Yes, I hope that there is someone in my future. I have been divorced since 2008. I have been caught up in the drama of life... When I put it that way, it almost sounds good. Not!

Take care my true warriors.

 

[New Leaf]

I just feel like a basket case and I am profoundly lonely. It would be nice if met someone. I do not want to go through the rest of my life alone.

I believe you will find someone Feeling.

But, the trouble lies in my personal self concept. I put up with too much for too long and do not feel that I deserve better treatment. It started when I was 11. I am very strong, but do not have healthy expectations about how I should be treated. I tolerate bad behavior and do not respect myself enough to protect myself. My therapist says that my safety 'barometer' is not working well. This goes for relationships and my family.

You have been through so much. It is good you are seeing this therapist. It is never too late to learn friend.

At school, I deal with violent behavior. That is part of my job. It is difficult because it brings back so many negative experiences. I am just tired of dealing with difficult issues on a daily basis. I need 'calm' in the storm.

Calm in the storm. When are you able to retire Feeling? I wish you calm.

leafy

 

[Feeling Sad]

I cannot retire until I am at least 68.

I did Title I teaching when my youngest son saw triple from age 4 to 11. It is Federally funded and you earn much less, without benefits or retirement earnings. I worked with the lowest 25% quartile of students in reading. It was a bit less hours, with no take home work. It afforded me time to take my son to see specialists.

I lost about $200,000 with a bad investment with my second husband. He spent $3,000. Hmmm. What's wrong with that pucture? My brother stole $200,000 from my parent's estate as a co executor and fighting my sister in court cost an additional $100,000.

I have to work as long as I am able...

 

[New Leaf]

Me too Feeling..... Have to work as long as I am able...