Follow Up

[Signorina]

I am so so sorry you are being treated so badly. {{hugs}}

Like TL - I too think you should go to the wedding just based on what you have posted here. I know it hurts and it stinks but one last shot of being the bigger person. Head held high, wearing a pretty dress and murmuring "yes doesn't she look lovely..." and "yes, we are so happy for her." Nothing more... Send her a vase as a wedding gift; leave after they cut the cake.

One last shot of mirroring the behavior you seek in her. And on the petty side - if you are not there; people will talk and surmise and people always assume things are way worse than the truth. And the talk may fan the flames between you.

If she invites you, please don't miss your daughter's wedding. It's a permanent line in the sand. Don't do that to her or to you unless you are prepared to walk away forever.

My bff got married a month ago and her fiance's family did not attend the wedding. It had nothing to do with the bride, they had issues with their son that predated the wedding. My bff doesn't know her H's family and now never will. She was not part of the misunderstanding but the fact that they refused to attend their wedding was the biggest (and pretty much only) impression they left on her. And it can't be undone. And it was enough for her to write them off completely without ever getting to know them or to hear their side of the story.

I am sorry if I am being presumptuous, I am newer here and I don't know the back history. I mean no offense and don't mean to add to your anguish. Just wanted to give a different perspective.

 

[Nancy]

I am so sorry Witz. She is being very cruel and hurtful. I am so glad your husband stood up for you. I'm undecided about going to the wedding. My sister did not invite us to her daughter's wedding and my husband said if she had he would not have attended. But a daughter is different and I just don't know how you will feel about it in the years to come.

Anyway hugs to you, hold onto your husband, he's a good man.

Nancy

 

[dashcat]

Oh, witz, I am so sorry. Her behavior toward you is unconscionable. You handled it with the kind of love and dignity that, we all hope, she will come to understand and appreciate someday. I comletely agree with sig and TL about your attending the wedding. You've set such a fine example already. In attending her wedding you will show her that your strength and your resolve will not be broken by her horrid behavior. When she becomes a mom, it is you that she will emulate.
Dash
ps. I don't know the backstory behind Dr. C, but from what you posted here, she has crossed every line possible. Dating her dad? Coming to her HOME to take care of her? Good Lord!

 

[Marcie Mac]

Wow, she was pretty harsh in saying what she said. You have a lot more restraint that I do - someone would have had to pry me off the ceiling.

If the only invite I would have would be as a "guest" - I wouldn't go and subject my self to the humiliation. You are going to be damned if you do and damned if you don't.

Marcie

 

[Steely]

I am so sorry...........
I can't remember, is L your bio daughter, or step?

 

[DammitJanet]

L is bio.

Witz...I am so sorry but honestly after the things you had written previously I am not surprised at this. I also pity her new husband. He is in for a very rude awakening. He wont have an easy life and I doubt the marriage will last long. Your husband's text was spot on. I dont think I would attend the wedding myself. She isnt going to include you in her life anyway so what is the point?

 

[witzend]

You know, I don't know whether we will get an invite or not. As far as my being a "distant" or "bad" mother, I honestly don't know what she's talking about. Last month we were at her new house helping her move in for several days. husband rewired light fixtures and moved furniture. We've been out to dinner and had her to our house lately. It's not as though we haven't had a relationship at all, or I'm a drunkard who ruins public occasions, she just wants the world to know she doesn't love me. Dr. C could be in her wedding as a Matron of Honor or Bridesmaid or even officiate. There is only one reason to say that she wants her to be recognized as her mother and that is to hurt me.

 

[1905]

I'm so sorry she hurt you so badly. ((hugs)) You know you're a good mom, she doesn't see it, she may never see it, even as you're helping her move and fixing her house. In your heart, you KNOW, be proud of all you have done. Something is wrong with her and that Dr C. I hope one day she sees things differently. For now, don't subject yourself to more hurt by her. Your husband is a good man.

 

[susiestar]

Oh, I think there is a second reason. Your daughter seems very motivated by cold hard cash. I am wondering what Daddy Dearest and Dr. C have offered to give her to keep you out. They KNOW you helped with the move in, have had dinners, etc.... I am sure Dr. C is VERY VERY threatened because seh KNOWS what a piece o garbage she is.

Only you can make the choice to go to the wedding or not. I have an adopted gma who refused to attend my wedding. We sent reception invites but ceremony invites were deeply personal and limited. husband and I both felt strongly that this wasn't a ceremony, it was a sacred promise and only those we loved most deeply needed to be there. Each person who was invited was invited face to face if possible and we told them WHY we wanted them there and how much they meant to us. I spent an hour with this person telling her how much I loved her and how much she meant to me. The day before the wedding she dropped off an expensive gift and told me she wasn't coming since I didn't care about her. I was crushed and devastated. I spent an HOUR telling her how much I loved her, how much she meant, and how much having her there, at X church at y time meant to me.

It still hurts but now I understand. Her husband went into the hospital with heart trouble between invite and ceremony. She forgot. That hurts, but she was in her seventies and people do forget. We patched things up sort of after that, but it was never the same. We both regretted it and tried hard for a long time.

I dont' understand L, and I understand her dad and dr C even less. I hope her father knows how he broke his daughter. That is HIS to live iwth - he did this on purpose, in my opinion. Destroyed his daughter's ability to love.

 

[Fran]

So sad. I'm sorry for the hurt. I don't even know what to think about L's words. Unnecessarily hard and cruel.

 

[witzend]

I know you all have experience with calloused adults and professionals with an agenda. I probably mentioned this story years back, but not in any depth because it just never made sense to me, other than it was just plain cruelty. And I'll never understand cruelty for cruelty's sake.

Lauren lived with me from birth to aged 9 months. Just about the time she started cruising and babbling. She had called me "Mama" a few times, but certainly not in a direct effort to call me her mother. Then her dad (the lawyer) her step-mom (the Child Welfare DA) with the help of Dr. C went to court and he got custody. Big surprise. They made me sound like a nut, and compared to them I certainly wasn't financially equipped to raise L the way that they could.

In a few months time, L was really talking and walking. When I went to pick her up for her visit she and her dad were out front of her house. I pulled up and her dad said "Look! Mommy Witzend is here!" L came running up to me and said "Hi, Mommy Witzend!" and gave me a big hug. I told him right then and there that she was never to call me that again, I am and always have been "Mommy." Right in front of L he told me that they had consulted with Dr. C and that since he and SM had a new baby of their own whom they would want to call SM "Mommy" it would be too confusing for L to call me "Mommy" and SM "Jane". They had consulted with Dr. C and Dr. C had advised them that L should know that Jane was "Mommy" because she was the one that loved her and was raising her and taking care of her, and I could be "Mommy Witzend" because L knows where babies come from and she came from my tummy and so I was a kind of mommy, just because I gave birth to her. But Jane was her "Mommy" because Jane was her real mommy. Dr. C even testified in court that she thought this was a good way to keep L from getting confused about familial relationships even though I was visiting L 3 times a week at that point.

Now, add to this - every time we have met L's fiance, in conversations where you would say something to the fiance like "Would you hand that to my mom?" or "When my mom and I..." L would get flustered and say "Would you hand that to - uh - her?" or When my - I did such and such with her". I even mentioned it at one point "It's better to refer to someone by their name, not "her" or "she"." I thought it was because she didn't know what it was that I wanted her fiance to call me. It would have been "Witzend" if I had been asked. I never held much truck with people calling their in-laws "Mom and Dad". There were also indications in more private conversations between L and I at that time that Dr. C had been over. What I'm getting out of this now is that L has been calling her "Mom" and that's why she didn't want to say "mom" to me in front of her fiance. Maybe it's a stretch, but I don't think it's a great stretch.

We'll send a gift. We'll sign it "Best wishes for your future from Mommy Witzend and husband." Some of you may think I need to hold my head high, but I'd rather they talk about me behind my back for something I really did (not go to her wedding) than talk to me in front of my back for something I really didn't do (abandon L or treat her badly).

 

[Nancy]

That is a bizarre story witz. It sounds like your daughter learned how to be cruel from the masters of cruelty. It's hard to believe that anyone can think that's the way you treat blended families. What did you do so awful for your husband to hate you that much? He married you in the first place.

Nancy

 

[witzend]

Nancy, we were never married. I had no idea he was seeing someone else. He married her 2 weeks before our custody hearing. And they were definitely not trying to "blend families". They were skillfully and purposely trying to break me and didn't care what it did to L. You see, Jane was very wealthy from one of the most powerful legal dynasties on the west coast and a quadriplegic. She and L's dad had been "dating" (he was riding her family's coat tails) for years, and her father had given him permission to have lovers both before and after their marriage because he "knew that sex with Jane couldn't possibly be very satisfying". So, when L's dad did something to hurt Jane (whom he divorced when L was 6 and died when she was 10) Jane retaliated against L and I. It was sick and ugly and cruel. Dr. C was one of the lovers after the divorce. Go figure.

L's dad is now remarried to someone else who never knew any of them during those days and says "he was young and foolish and regrets how he treated me." He even admitted to me on the phone the other night that they had all done their legal and professional best to undermine my position in L's life "and he's not proud of that". He says he started trying to tell her that she should "honor and respect her mother" from the time she was about 12 - long after the damage was done. And certainly he didn't tell her "We brainwashed you and made sure you wouldn't love your mother. She loves you and has only ever had your best interest at heart."

I do my best to "forgive and forget", but I tend to go with Desmond Tutu's ideas on forgiveness. I do my best to not let the memories of the wrongs done to me make me angry because it gives those things power over me. I try to forget and usually do very well. I like to think that if we could have gotten through this wedding peacefully I might even have forgiven them in some way because I would have known that not only have I been able to move on to a happier and more fulfilled life, so was L. But stand there and watch it continue in front of witnesses, implying that it was ever ok with me? No way.

 

[toughlovin]

Oh Witz that is a sad story.... and our court system can be so screwed up. It does change things.....I think L is pretty confused and my guess is your ex and his wife are putting pressure on her to be the main "parents" at the wedding and she can only do that if she somehow feels justified in treating you badly. So sad really.

So yes do what feels the best to you. Listen to your gut. You know yourself and the situation best.

TL

 

[witzend]

Oh Witz that is a sad story.... and our court system can be so screwed up. It does change things.....I think L is pretty confused and my guess is your ex and his wifeTL

Just to clarify, he's not my ex and L's stepmom is dead. His current wife has no idea of the horrors he put us through. I'm sure she's gotten a very abridged version of events told skillfully by him.

 

[Nancy]

That was going to be my next question. The new Mrs. should have nothing against you. You did nothing to her and she should be supporting your relationship with L. If L's dad now realizes his mistakes why doesn't he work toward that goal?

Nancy

 

[witzend]

That was going to be my next question. The new Mrs. should have nothing against you. You did nothing to her and she should be supporting your relationship with L. If L's dad now realizes his mistakes why doesn't he work toward that goal?

Nancy

He's a divorce and child custody lawyer. There is no one whom he could admit these mistakes to who wouldn't at the very least be disgusted by him and at the very most report him to the State Bar Association and have his license taken away. He'll never do anything to make it right. He feels it's enough that he recognizes his past "mistakes" and has moved on.

FWIW, the new Missus knows what L is and has no interest in it other than to keep the peace in her own family. She has an autistic son who is being treated by Dr. C.

 

[toughlovin]

Sorry for my confusion.... I clearly don't know the whole story. Sorry my comments were off the mark.

TL

 

[dashcat]

Witz,
Your story is astonishing and very sad. L's dad isn't a man who was merely a fool in his youth, he is evil personified. The decision about whether or not to go to the wedding is yours to make, and you need to do what is best for you.
Dash

 

[Nancy]

Wow witz, what a tangled mess. It's a shame you are the one who ended up paying for his indiscretions.

Nancy