Follow Up

[rejectedmom]

What a horrid and sad story Witz. The narcissistic creep! He should rot in hell for all the evil that he has done. I feel sorry for the new wife though. Especially since Dr. C is still in the picture. You are a better person than I. I would still be trying to take them both down.

 

[witzend]

Wow witz, what a tangled mess. It's a shame you are the one who ended up paying for his indiscretions.

Nancy

Thanks, Nancy. In truthfulness, it's L and I both (and M and my husband) who paid for his indiscretions. Her dad fully admits that "she in incapable of empathy". Gee - he was diagnosed "Narcissistic Personality Disorder". I wonder how L turned out to have no empathy for her fellow human beings?

TL - no offense taken. It's a very tangled mess of things that on their own are pretty disgusting. But when you mix it all together it's such a mess it would be difficult to take it all in or tell the entire story.

 

[ying and yang]

Hello witzend, This is my second post, even though I was reading this forum for about a years without posting. The support of all the Moms here are amazing! I also have a 25 years old son who was diagnosed with narcissism, ADHD, passive aggressive personality disorder, Body dimorphic, anhedonia, depression, severe Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD), negative symptoms of Scizophrenia. Your story touched my heart. All Moms here have SO MUCH to share. Thank you All Moms who found a time to describe what you are going through. I will also share my story next week when will be out of work. If I can please suggest a very nice book by Jeonnette Walls" The Glass castle ". This book is based on the true story. Please read what this woman went through with HER parents and still she was able to understand and except them. Possibly, this book will make you feel a little better.((((( (BIG HUGS)))))) No one is perfect and we all make mistakes. Please do not feel any pain, I do not know you family dynamics unfortunately, but I can imagine how hurtful it is. Is it possible that your daughter manipulating you in getting you feel guilty in order to get something from you later? She sound like my Son, even though I was trying and trying to be a good mother......

 

[Steely]

Hearing your whole story, now it makes total sense why L is so lacking in any sort of empathy, or compassion. Tragic. I would not go to her wedding either. It seems you have tried and tried to be in her life - and for whatever reasons - it scares her or she is incapable of reaching back to you. She probably will never be able to, because of the brainwashing - unless she broke all ties with her family and Dr C and sought out her own independent counseling.

So for now, I would just let her go. Completely just break ties with her for awhile, and let her live her life. Hopefully one day she will see the light and the truth - and then she will be the one coming to you and reaching out. It will work better that way - if you wait for her to come to you.

 

[Estherfromjerusalem]

Witz, I so feel for you. I think you were wonderful meeting her like that and conducting the conversation the way you did, and she certainly showed you her true colours. I am so sorry, it must be truly devastating for you. You know that you have done the best you could for that child, so you have nothing to blame yourself for. She will surely "wake up" one day and realise how wrongfully she has behaved. Your husband is just wonderful to have written her that message, and it must be an enormous comfort to you to have him at your side. So I just want to send you a hug.

Love, Esther

 

[tiredmommy]

You know, Witz, my mother and I had a very difficult relationship fueled by her unmedicated bipolar disorder, alcoholism and drug use. But my father never said a negative word against her and encouraged a relationship with her. There was only one time (when my mother was really spiraling out of control badly) that he kept me away but he explained that it was because she was sick rather than a bad person. I ended up, in time, distancing myself from my mom but only because I couldn't tolerate the constant upheaval she brought. Not out of anger or hate. And my husband and I eloped rather than have a big wedding because I knew in my heart that she would be out of control and "ruin" the event (can't have a bar and not expect an alcoholic to drink). But we made the decision to elope not as a way to punish mom but rather not give her an opportunity to ruin what was left of our relationship. We certainly would not have made her feel singled out or excluded. She was my mother. If we couldn't have her at the wedding, then we don't have the wedding... Know what I mean??

L is a twisted soul and I feel bad for her. And, truthfully, I resent that she's had a mother fighting to be a part of her life all these years and she's deluded to realize what she's missing out on.

Personally, I would go if invited because I know that despite all the pain she is causing you that you do love her and it will hurt more to stay away in the end. And I think I would frame a picture of you and L when she was little and give that as a gift.

 

[Star*]

WItz,

Sorry I wasn't here for you from the get go. (apologies) -

First of all? I do NOT feel sorry for L. I don't feel any more sorry for an ADULT person that could make ADULT choices despite whatever has happened in their past. I realize THAT is a harsh statement for a Mother to hear, and one I certainly don't enjoy hearing when it comes to Dude these days. However -while she may not have had a choice as a child; she is and ADULT now and she HAS a choice.

It's incredible to me that over the years she HAS called you for this or that. She HAS made attempts to get in touch with you for whatever gain she could; whether it was monitary, or just to cause you pain. As Mothers I think a part of us must be disconnected - yet hard-wired to overlook all the hurt, and nasty words, name calling, and suggestions of 'look how you ruined my life'. Even today through all my therapy if something is said that even SUGGESTS mildy, in it's most innocent form that I 'was' not the Mother he wanted? I think to myself - "Oh perhaps he's right, and rehash the past until it makes me NUTS trying to justify WHY an ADULT offspring of mine is still so self-absorbed, narcissistic, and venomous about ALL the S.A.C.R.I.F.I.C.E.S. I made on his behalf. It cuts me like a hot knife through butter, and there isn't a THING you or anyone else can say to me to make me 100% convinced I really was an EXCELLENT Mother, fighting against the system and enormous odds always stacked against me. You can try - but it's futile...that small part of me always WANTS to own his grief. The rest of me wants to kick me in the **** and jerk out my heart, and have a brain exam.

Maybe a good question to ask L - or rather a statement to make TO L.....would be - "I like very much how your bio-father taught you maturation, forgiveness, and compassion. He and doctor C did a great job raising you up to be a self-centered, cry-baby who can't seem to put her past behind her and is NOW moving forward like a mature woman to someday raise kids of her own. I'm sure you'll pass your values on to them and when you do? God help your heart. I hope someday you'll find it in yourself to forgive your Father. I did nothing wrong. Until you become a Mother? You'll NEVER understand."

As for your x? There are just no words suitable to call him a name of anything but cruel. Not hard to see where L gets THAT from. Bravo to him for "being a #()(* back then - because unbeknown to him? My house thinks he still is. ANd a big one at that.

I wish I had words to heal your broken heart my dear. I'd certainly say them over and over to you if I thought it would help. Just know that YOU ARE an excellent Mother, I admire you constantly for your gift of friendship, and if you are 1/10th the Mother that you are friend? You're daughter is blessed.



Hugs & Love
Star

 

[Signorina]

Oh witz, my heart breaks for u. Take care of yourself. You have the universe's blessing to handle this wedding in whatever way works best for you. {{hugs}}

And Dr. Joshua Coleman's book "When Parents Hurt" really helped me fwiw.

 

[KTMom91]

My heart is hurting for you. Many, many hugs.

 

[Nomad]

I don't know much about this story, but from what I read here, it sounds simply awful. I am so very sorry for your hurting heart.
I feel so very badly for you.
On the brighter side, thank goodness your husband stuck up for you.
I'm praying for your peace of mind, comfort and strength.

 

[PatriotsGirl]

My heart breaks for you, too. I wouldn't go, either. Not even sure I would send a gift - maybe a book on one of the many issues she could use help on...