I can't do this....

[GoingNorth]

This is true. Another thing to look into are SRO hotels. It'd be a heckuva come-down for him, as entitled as he is, and you won't find SROs in upscale neighborhoods, but living in a small room with a shared bath for a bit might cut him back down to size.

SROs are also usually month to month leases, so he could move with 30 days notice once he gets the money saved up to actually rent a small apartment.

The suicide thing is kind of silly. It's like he's holding himself hostage to get what he wants from you.

 

[pasajes4]

Whatever you decide to do we are here for you.

 

[A dad]

One of the first things I heard on this forum was a example of a member who had 2 children both difficult and kicked them both out one died but the other one thrived. I did kinda hated that because of the risk but what other way is there?
I did not need to do that for my youngest but he got it well he got that he needs to provide for himself if he wants to do what he wants.

 

[Lil]

Maybe he can rent a room someplace. He doesn't need an entire apartment. Lots of people rent out rooms in their home for one reason or another.

I tried talking about that. For some reason, he's dead set against it. Frankly, him smoking and being a slob, I don't see that working anyway.

SRO hotels

There's no such thing around here. Closest is the hotel he stayed at when we paid the week after his fire. $300 a week for a fleabag hotel. There's literally nothing else like that.

I don't know what to do right now. I just got done telling Jabber, he HAS to get away from these "people" he keeps hanging out with. They are a VERY large part of his inability to hold on to any money. He has none, so he bums cigarettes/ beer/ whatever while he's there. Then when he has money it's time to pay up and he's broke again. It's a vicious cycle. But what do you do when he won't be alone. He needs to learn to be alone, to be bored. He just refuses.

I wish he'd seriously get therapy and that I could tell the therapist what to work on.

 

[Lil]

One of the first things I heard on this forum was a example of a member who had 2 children both difficult and kicked them both out one died but the other one thrived. I did kinda hated that because of the risk but what other way is there?

We have kicked him out. But we had good cause - he was stealing from us. It seems a bit ... different to kick him out due to his inaction.

Whatever you decide to do we are here for you.

Thank you.

 

[Skool Teacher]

This is true. Another thing to look into are SRO hotels. It'd be a heckuva come-down for him, as entitled as he is, and you won't find SROs in upscale neighborhoods, but living in a small room with a shared bath for a bit might cut him back down to size.

SROs are also usually month to month leases, so he could move with 30 days notice once he gets the money saved up to actually rent a small apartment.

The suicide thing is kind of silly. It's like he's holding himself hostage to get what he wants from you.

Agreed on the suicide threat GoingNorth. It's silly and it's a play on your emotions for attention. I've been through 3 fake suicide attempts. It's a waste of time, energy and resources. It's draining and infuriating that someone that loves you would play with your emotions like that. Based on my knowledge of people who threaten to attempt versus a person that actually commits suicide, there is never an announcement. People that want to kill themselves do it no verbal warning is given.

 

[Lil]

His biodad killed himself. There were many threats during our marriage. It was several years after it finally happened when he was in jail. He called me and I refused the collect call and the next call I got was from his sister-in-law.

So yes, it may be manipulation but it works on me. I don't think it ever won't work on me. It's the same reason I always answer the phone.

 

[Sister's Keeper]

I see both sides of the situation, and I agree he is manipulating you.

Personally, I would pay the $400 for the 1st month, making sure he is aware that that is the only money you will give. Anything else is his responsibility.

That gets him out of your home, and after the month you can refuse to let him come back. It gives him a roof over his head for 31 days. It gives him 31 days to find a full time job, or 2 or 3 part time jobs, or a room mate on Craig's List.

For me the $400 would be worth it to avoid the drama of putting him out.

However, I know, and I understand that it won't stop there. So I also see the point of just sticking to the original plan and putting him out and dealing with any suicide threats accordingly, because it is likely to happen all over again when the landlord evicts him in August.

 

[pasajes4]

I wish there was a way to put conditions on him being able to live at home and he would agree to them. Drug tests, chores, therapy.......just throwing it out there.

 

[GoingNorth]

Yeah, the being afraid of being alone is a big deal. Hard for me to comprehend as I prefer to be alone. It took quite of bit of work for me to get used to always having another person around when husband and I moved in together.

It is a pity that he is so desperate for company that he'll hang with people who use and abuse him, just to have people to hang with.

What about a job that involves working with people? Maybe that would fulfill some of his social needs?

SRO's are single room only rental buildings. In many cities they are considered hotels, though they rent weekly or monthly. They aren't like a regular hotel or motel.

If you've lived mostly suburban or rural, you wouldn't be familiar with them. I suggested them as an idea as rent is cheap, being in a city, he'd be closer to employment, and hopefully, would have access to public transportation.

I've visited people who live in SROs, but have never lived in one. The rest of city living I can give him a few pointers on.

 

[Skool Teacher]

His biodad killed himself. There were many threats during our marriage. It was several years after it finally happened when he was in jail. He called me and I refused the collect call and the next call I got was from his sister-in-law.

So yes, it may be manipulation but it works on me. I don't think it ever won't work on me. It's the same reason I always answer the phone.

My heart goes out to you... My child's biodad killed himself as well. No warning, no threats.

 

[so ready to live]

Hi LIL. Another vote for "whatever you need to do, we'll be here for you" For each it is so different. Most important is that you and jabber agree on your plan-each and together figuring out what feels right. You can do this, one step at a time. Prayers.

 

[Lil]

What about a job that involves working with people? Maybe that would fulfill some of his social needs?

I actually thought he'd do better in a job that he's mostly alone at...he's actually not good with people. lol When I tell him "you'll make friends at work" he just throws in my face that he never has, that he tried to make friends with people when he worked here or there and no one liked him or no one ever wanted to do anything with him or whatever.

If I could pick one problem of his and wave a magic wand to fix it, that would be it. I'd give him a few decent, reliable friends who would treat him well. That's the single thing about him that just breaks my heart. I'd do ANYTHING to fix that.

 

[BusynMember]

I forgot about bio dad. How scary.

I'm so sorry. I'd be scared too. Most of the time this threat is a manipulation yet you never know. I am so sorry you have to deal with this.

I feel badly for your son. It has always been challenging for me to make friends.

 

[InsaneCdn]

If I could pick one problem of his and wave a magic wand to fix it, that would be it. I'd give him a few decent, reliable friends who would treat him well. That's the single thing about him that just breaks my heart. I'd do ANYTHING to fix that.

Me too. Its one thing we really can't create for our kids - friends. Somehow, we can help with employment, housing, education, transportation... but not friends.

 

[GoingNorth]

Lil, geesh. A good counselor could help him so much with that, as could a good job coach. He doesn't seem able to come to the conclusion that if people at different jobs/situations don't like him, odds're good the problem is with him.

I came to that decision in my teens and asked my parents to send back to deal with it. My whole problem turned out be that I hd trouble reading facial expressions (humans only) and thus was constantly saying absolutely the wrong thing.

I also came off monotone and very abrupt, which made people think I was stuck up and mean.

He's going to have problems until he admits the problems are with HIM and does something about it. Also, marijuana can cause anxiety, paranoia, and irritability in some people. It can even aggravate incipient psychosis in those who would develop it in later years.

The pot use may be exacerbating the personality problems he's displaying. I begin to suspect he might have a personality disorder, most likely borderline.

 

[RN0441]

Lil

I know you may think this is crazy to suggest but have you thought about putting him in a tent in your backyard? He would not be allowed in the house for any reason. You would provide food. He would be locked out. He would work his way back into the house.

At a rehab my son went to a few years ago the director met with the parents first and told us that she had done that to her son for reasons probably similar to your son. I think he was out for a few months and he was hard to break. She didn't have a next step. But he finally did what she wanted him to do. I just read something on line about parents doing that and neighbors called the police and it reminded me of the story.

I honestly thought that it was a little unconventional but anything is worth a try.

 

[GoingNorth]

I can see some problems with the above idea, starting with the fact that the zoning in Lil's and Jabber's neighborhood might not allow for putting up a tent semi-permanently on their property.

If it does allow and they do it, they are playing right into sonny's hands on the whole "Everybody hates me: they won't even let me come in the house!" attitude. All it does is add more fuel to the fire of sonny's justifications

 

[RN0441]

GN you may be right but, well I'd try just about anything to get some peace.

The police said what the parents did was not illegal (in this particular story). But I don't know the rules for this type of thing.

 

[Lil]

I know you may think this is crazy to suggest but have you thought about putting him in a tent in your backyard? He would not be allowed in the house for any reason. You would provide food. He would be locked out. He would work his way back into the house.

Well, not withstanding the facts that we walk the dogs in our very small backyard, so we'd see him several times a day; we don't have a fenced yard, the neighbors are right on top of us and I think I'd rather die than have them see that; and he'd be peeing (and what else???) in my backyard, I don't actually see the purpose of this. It won't help him get a job (hinder, actually) and it won't help him make friends or stop hanging out with losers, and would simply reinforce the feeling as though we think he's .

Nice idea in theory. Doesn't work in practice.