I miss my sister...for the first time in say 55 years.

[BusynMember]

Dominant and controlling==bully.

Definition of Leader:
Character Traits of Leaders

• Charismatic
• Dedicated
• Committed to the goals of the organization
• Optimistic

• Works well with others

• High level of knowledge and technical skills related to the task at hand

• Demonstrates originality and a long term perspective

• Focused on building strong relationships with others

• Inspires trust and confidence in other members of the group

1. An example of leadership is a store manager leading the team to more sales.
2. An example of leadership is the ability to take control of a situation and guide people.

bully
verb
: to frighten, hurt, or threaten (a smaller or weaker person) : to act like a bully toward (someone)

: to cause (someone) to do something by making threats or insults or by using force

bul·liedbul·ly·ing
Full Definition of BULLY
transitive verb
1
: to treat abusively
2
: to affect by means of force or coercion
intransitive verb
: to use browbeating language or behavior

 

[Scent of Cedar *]

I was with her when her mother, my new mother of 5 years passed away. She unraveled emotionally over the next year

Was she working prior to the mother's death?

She feels she "kept me in my home" and I am not paying it forward.

How do you feel, elizabethanne?

Did she clarify what she meant by paying it forward? Does she want you to take her in?

Is she using street drugs, prescription drugs, or alcohol?

Something has changed with this woman. If she has developed an addiction, you will need to learn detachment theory, like we have had to with our addicted children.

If she is not addicted...I think there might be some kind of addiction working away under wraps here, elizabethanne.

I was with her when her mother, my new mother of 5 years passed away. She unraveled emotionally over the next year, couldn't make her way into the workforce to take care of herself and her 3 Labs, though I tried to support with my time, referring her to a great paying job, and over-all companionship.

That must have been a hard thing to witness...but you are not the person who chose for her how she would respond to what had happened.

That is the problem with our kids too, when they are self-destructing. Everything seems to serve the destruction. The more we help, the more we search our souls for where we went wrong, the more responsible we feel. We have learned here that we need to make our children stronger. That is the one way they seem able to marshal the strength to face, and face down, their demons. What we have had to learn to say to our self-destructing kids is that we love them too much to help them self-destruct.

If they persist in those terrible patterns that are destroying everything they touch, we had had to learn to say: I love you too much to watch you self-destruct.

And sometimes, we need to turn away for a time.

It is a very hard thing.

Loving a self-destructive friend is the same pain, elizabethanne. I think posting here will help you too, just is it helps us to be strong for one another when that is what we need.

I am sorry this is happening to you.

I gave more than I ever took as a tenant, neighbor, friend.

And the period of help was a short one. We all find ourselves needing a hand up sometimes ~ we all do. But when helping someone we love begins to overtake and devour our lives, we need to figure out how we got where we are so we can stand up for ourselves without destroying our self concepts.

That's how I think I see it. I had a thing going with myself that if I helped, even if in just a small little way, I was doing my part to create a little spot of not-evil. It was like, after having seen so much that was hurtful when I was a little girl and could do nothing to help any of us, I was doing my part to push the darkness back, now.

There are people in the world who sense that about us.

We can be easily victimized through our mother wounds.

In a way elizabethanne, this situation, painful as it is, is a blessing. Working through it sincerely will find you coming through it stronger, more centered, whole again.

Just like we tell ourselves and one another here where our children are concerned, you have the right to claim time to think and to define where you are and how you intend to respond.

Just knowing that one fact, that there is nothing you need to do right now, will help you center and stabilize.

Then, you need a tool box. (That concept is from Child of Mine, and it is a good one. She has a thread in Parent Emeritus too, on suffering. "Highchair Tyrants." That might be helpful to you, too. At the top of the P.E. site is an article on detachment. That may be helpful to you. Reading about sociopathy turned out to be a help to me. Not that I am labeling anyone in my family of origin any particular thing...but it was surprising to learn that it is true that there are people in the world who understand the world and their places in it differently than I do. Reading those books and articles helped me understand that the goal I am working toward is not, like, universal. That sounds so foolish, I know. How does that old saying go? I have been a fool for lesser things.

:O)

That's pretty much all I know about how to help ourselves figure it out, when someone accuses us of something we don't understand.

I am trying to be as open as I can because she is in crisis, whether it is self-induced or not, she is in pain.

What we have learned here is to affirm our children's strength, and to affirm our faith in their abilities to get through whatever is happeing without us. We even tell them we are changing our responses because helping hasn't worked, and has only made things worse, and that is why we have decided they are going to have to find their own ways.

We have had to learn that making their ways through the consequences of their choices does make the kids stronger. Helping and helping twists all of us, making an already ugly situation so much worse.

For her own sake, your friend must find her own way.

after squandering Mom's money and losing it all (which is why I didn't offer money).

Good for you, elizabethanne.

That is a hard thing.

You are saving your friend through your refusing to help financially. If you see this in a different light, you are working very hard to remain loyal to the best in this person, to the things, the good things, you know are true about her, though she may have forgotten them, herself.

That is an honorable thing.

Good job.

As I write this, I think I just want to understand and be understood, before I move on.

When I hear this, when I feel this need in myself, I recognize about a thousand things I don't like to see. I have been accused of things too that were not true. What I think I see happening there is that, for reasons I am not privy to the other person needs to see me that way or face something about himself that he is not ready to see.

Or maybe it is me who needs to do that, and so, I cannot see the truth in what the other person is doing.

What I do know is that there is nothing more to be said or done or hoped for. The time has run its course. If I see a pattern of similar behaviors in the other person's past, that helps me not to condemn myself without evidence. (There is never evidence. Each party interprets the same facts differently. Neither is lying.)

Reality is as we perceive it to be.

Can you find a way to honor all that was good between you?

That may be the way this ends.

It is what it is.

Sometimes, much as we would wish it different, we lose things and people and times that matter very much to us.

But...it is what it is.

I think it will help you right now to give yourself time, elizabethanne.

Learn what you can, love where you can, and go on.

Sometimes, the triumph in a thing is that we do not grow bitter.

Headlights Mom posted this to us, once. I have never forgotten it. I am paraphrasing:

Well, I can't even think how she began it. The gist of it was that there were some tiny good things her child had given her before the tragic loss of time together that was coming, unbeknownst to either of them, next. Headlights Mom posted that she kept the items out where she could see them, and feel gratitude for all she had had with her boy lest she grow bitter.

I will try to find the quote for you.

It was beautifully written.

Cedar

 

[Scent of Cedar *]

hat I think is the common denominator is this. (I know this thanks to my boyfriend.) He says I present *falsely a picture of docility, generosity and goodness, and that people think they can do with me what they want and that I will make all their wishes come true. WONDERFUL. Thankfully, I am a bit more complicated than I look at first glance.

Ha!!!!

This is me, too.

Unfortunately, I am not so much complicated as mystified. I am learning complicated.

what I see is a woman (with the labs) who accepted your many kindnesses, and people addicted to them...and became enraged when she needed more than you could give.

Yes.

True.

And who is working your kindness now to break you. I don't know why.

Well, you are here with us, now.

You will enlarge and enfold and encompass and move on stronger, not break.

If you do break for a little while you are coming through?

We are right here, and there are so many of us that one of us will have come through the same thing.

:O)

Why is saying no such a capital offense?

My D H seems to have make a spiritual practice of saying "no". I'm serious. It is a harder thing to say no. People are not going to be pleased or happy. I can say no when I get it that I am being asked something unreasonable, or accused of something untrue?

But I never even see the stuff I should catch when it is small enough that a no would work.

What it is is wishing we could all get along.

That is contrary to human nature.

I am learning to say no.

Next, I will learn to relish saying no. "No" is the one word that makes those around us stronger.

That is how I am trying to see it.

It is hard to learn this kind of honest.

Cedar

I like it, though.

 

[Scent of Cedar *]

Because it was easier to judge HER when it was I who did not have the skills?
Because I did not know how to tolerate love and anger together?
Because I did not know how to be me, when she was around...(was there no ME when she was around?)

Some of us are differently wired, Copa.

It could be that your mother was cruel and overbearing and that you needed so badly for her to be the affirming mother you needed that you condemned yourself for her faults.

My mother is that way, Copa.

I am opening the compartmentalized emotional hurts and areas of global devastation that were my mother's legacy to me.

I do not have an affirming mother figure in my psyche somewhere, telling me I am strong and bright and good. I have KFCD, negative radio from the toxic past playing away beneath the cares of everyday, instead.

(KFCD is a concept from Anne Lamott.)

To heal, I began with a resolution to be kinder to myself. Not kind, but only kinder. I was blown away by the frequency of the times I caught myself condemning me. Over the course of a year, I began seeing myself so differently, Copa.

This year, I added awareness of KFCD, the twenty four hour a day negative radio station my mother blasts away on in my head.

Geez, she is such a biatch.

:O)

You helped me to stop minimizing Scorpia's stinging/cunning/shady side...especially now that it is directed at me, instead of everyone else.

Oh, this is good.

It's so hard for us to see when we are being victimized. Which is why we were targeted in the first place, of course.

False picture of docility, generosity and goodness.

Ouch.

People who are trying to hurt us will claim that who we intrinsically are is a false thing.

They are wrong.

Just as there are people wired as predators, there are of course people wired as we are.

The difference is trust, I think. We think everyone is like us. They think everyone is like them.

Then, they realize we are not like them, and they hate us for it.

That's my story and I'm stickin' to it.

Works for me.

I'm so glad I did. I visited constantly for 2 months. We spend Thanksgiving and Christmas Eve, she fell that night and died a month later.

I am glad you did that, too.

You owe the daughter nothing.

There is some question about the sociopathic tendency gene skipping a generation. (My granddaughter told me this, actually.)

Ahem.

But it makes sense that this would be so.

Perhaps the daughter inherited that gene from her father, or from a grandfather. The mother you loved sounds like she loved you and her daughter and probably everyone.

She was like us.

But if we are not going to be twisted into some ugly reflection of ourselves, we need to see what is for what it is, and we need to stand up to it.

Back in evolutionary times, there was a need for the personality type riding our genetic lines. If they had all been like us, none of us would have made it.

That's my story and blah, blah, blah.

Heh.

What I really want right now after reading all of your kind replies is to let her know that I am not in that story that she tells--to herself or to others

And that is called the bait, elizabethanne.

The only person who has to know who you are is you.

Right needs no defense, just good witness, right?

And we are right here.

Cedar

 

[Scent of Cedar *]

I did so by blaming myself for judging her.

We believe with every fiber of our being that people are better than their behaviors. I know with my whole heart that this is true because I wish I were better than I am. I have all kinds of bad thoughts and hatreds and biatchiness in me every day.

I don't like that about myself.

The Vietnamese monk Nan Taht (?) describes struggles of this nature as our "practice". I liked that very much.

I am practicing being human and choosing kind.

That is my practice.

Now I am trying to practice seeing and simply accepting what life brings.

All I have to do is show up.

That is my practice.

Well okay. Show up and listen and not talk.

I want very much to be better than I know myself to be.

I believe everyone is like me.

Everyone is not like me.

When I admit they have done what they have done instead of automatically excusing or understanding or explaining away the hurt in what they have done, I feel I am letting myself down. I feel I am committing a kind of violence against them.

But willfully blinding myself to the things they have chosen for themselves, willfully blinding myself to the ugliness they picked instead of the brightness I see in them...that isn't the right way to do this, either.

Maybe there is no right way to do this.

Maybe, why doesn't matter.

It is what it is. They are separate from me. Maybe, I need to learn to keep my visions to myself.

Remember that old Stevie Nicks song?

How sad. Almost, I would rather keep the illusion that...someday...we'll be together (Dianna Ross.)

Me, too! I am only just now letting that one just sort of sit there. Remaking our families of origin is such a beautiful dream, but the sickness is still there, when we go back.

When we are away from them, we are healthier. We don't see any reason why we can't see and be with these people we love, again.

And I do love them. They are witnesses to my life.

But the sickness is still there. It turns out the only times they want to witness were shaming to me, or hurtful to me.

Ouch.

***

In the time of our absence, our families may have become even more toxic.

It may be that while we were there, we kept some of the worst of it tamped down a little.

Or maybe they were just headed for increasing toxicity and we were lucky to get out, at all.

Cedar

 

[Scent of Cedar *]

My sister is warm, a bully and insecure. She has also tried very, very hard to be a good mother and seems to have done a good job.

This is such a kind assessment, Copa.

If you were going to say how this sister chooses to see you...what would she say?

I have always seen the bright, like you. But...if these things were true of your sister, if these best things about her were truly who she is Copa, there would be love for you in her heart.

There would, Copa.

My sister is alive and well in my heart right this minute. The problem is that the sister I love is not real. The sister I have hates me and everything I stand for with a passionate intensity that I ignore because I want what I want.

I want a sister. Not a sociopath with immediate access because I persist in believing she is who I need her to be.

If we lift the curtain (like Dorothy did, in The Wizard of Oz) our illusions are going to be blown to smithereens. But when we let them go, then we understand we were always smart, we were always loving, we were always courageous.

But we have to peek behind that curtain, and we have to believe what we find there. The Wizard was never all powerful.

He was a salesman from Kansas, an opportunist who preyed on our belief in magic, and in forgiveness, and in love.

But we never needed any of that stuff from him in the first place.

It was ours, it was in us, it was what was really true, all along.

Cedar

 

[Copabanana]

Cedar. I had to STOP reading your post/response.....

"It could be that your mother was cruel and overbearing and that you needed so badly for her to be the affirming mother you needed that you condemned yourself for her faults." (I still have not learned how to do quotes. I do know how to use colors.)

To tell you I LOVED HER. She may have been all of these things. BUT I LOVED HER, and did not know how much until it was too late.

So many things going through my head, right now. Cedar, how come I could not just get stronger? Develop boundaries. Do anything at all to be with her?

At what cost, Cedar, did I save myself...to have my own life. Sometimes, Cedar, I think it was not worth it. That I would have rather lived close to her, in her shadow, even consumed by her...than to suffer as I have since her death. Cedar, I believe I chose wrong. I have said it before. After she died, I came to feel, to believe...I had lived poorly. That whatever success, independence, individuation, wisdom.....gained was at too great a cost....

 

[Scent of Cedar *]

(I still have not learned how to do quotes. I do know how to use colors.)

I love this!

:O)

Okay, so you highlight the phrase you would like to quote.

Do you know how to highlight? Maybe that is the thing we need to address. so, you bring your cursor over to the end of the sentence you intend to quote. Then, move it along the sentence or paragraph while keeping your finger on the right click button on your mouse.

Once you have everything highlighted the way you want it, take both fingers off the computer. A little box should appear containing the words "quote" and "reply". If the little box does not appear, then highlight the area you want to quote, again.

Sometimes, leaving off the first letter of the first sentence will make the quote/reply box appear. Sometimes, leaving off the final period in the phrase will do it.

Ha! I am still laughing about the colors!!!



Cedar

 

[Copabanana]

If you were going to say how this sister chooses to see you...what would she say?

Hi Cedar

Honestly I cannot imagine how my sister would describe me, except to recount all of my mistakes and the ways I have harmed, hurt her. She would list my crimes, my errors, not my attributes.

And, yes, there is a long list of errors, failures. I think that my Mother and Sister would talk about my failings with my child. When my Mom was already ill and not remembering so good, she forgot for an instant that she was speaking to me on the phone and not my sister. She said: "When is she ever going to stop DOING EVERYTHING FOR HIM? "

Of course, she was right. What hurt was the TONE. When my Mother spoke to me, she voiced compassion. This voice was judgement and gossip.

Honestly, I do not think my sister could tolerate listing my attributes. Her rage, jealousy and envy would not permit it. Is that grandiose of me?

How interesting to me is this virtual conversation. In the 19 months since my Mother's death, and the year before she died....I have lost or have been unable to tap many of the attributes that have been defined me. To remind me who I was and hopefully may again someday be, I will name a few:

Audacious in my goals (I aspired beyond my intrinsic gifts, I believe, and thereby grew as a person)
Life loving (dance, travel, people)
Giving of my energy, love, time
Creative
Hopeful
Hilarious (Sometimes, too much--I made myself the Joke sometimes.)
Pretty (I gained 60 pounds)
Smart (To a large extent I feel I have lost the ability to concentrate and focus, to pay attention and to remember.

I am not so dulled of brain that I do not recognize the potential link between losing my Mother and giving up myself---so hard gained---especially the "icing on the cake" so to speak of my life.

Thank you, Cedar, and All.

 

[Copabanana]

Once you have everything highlighted the way you want it, take both fingers off the computer. A little box should appear containing the words "quote" and "reply". If the little box does not appear, then highlight the area you want to quote, again.

Okay, Cedar. I am trying. YOU FORGOT TO TELL ME WHETHER TO PICK REPLY or QUOTE. And I panicked. What is this multi quote business? When I picked reply this is what happened.

Cedar, you are a gift. I will put that in color. I am anxious to see if I am a success.

 

[Copabanana]

Sometimes, leaving off the first letter of the first sentence will make the quote/reply box appear. Sometimes, leaving off the final period in the phrase will do it.

Cedar, I know you have a life, and that teaching me how to function in the Cyber World of necessity comes far, far down in your hierarchy of responsibilities but WHAT IN THE WORLD DOES THIS MEAN (see above)? Better not to explain....I will practice.

COPA

 

[Scent of Cedar *]

Okay, Cedar. I am trying. YOU FORGOT TO TELL ME WHETHER TO PICK REPLY or QUOTE. And I panicked. What is this multi quote business? When I picked reply this is what happened.

Cedar, you are a gift. I will put that in color. I am anxious to see if I am a success.

Ha!

YES!

***

To tell you I LOVED HER. She may have been all of these things. BUT I LOVED HER, and did not know how much until it was too late

It is good to love.

Let knowing that you loved her heal and strengthen you, now.

It took courage to go back there.

Good job.

***

Cedar, how come I could not just get stronger? Develop boundaries. Do anything at all to be with her?

I am only able to know the places I have already been and come through safely, Copa.

My mother was physically abusive, as well as verbally and emotionally abusive. She still is, viciously so. To see and understand this true thing while she was still alive was a gift to me.

I have evidence; I have proof that what I remembered happened. And is still happening.

You do not have that blessing of time, Copa. But you are here, and you are working through it. Soon, you will be able to love both your mother and yourself. When that happens, you will forgive yourself, and love all that you are. And you will come to admire your own courage.

It happened to me.

That is how I know this is true.

Well okay. So, I don't love myself very much, yet. But I like myself now pretty well. I still slip into the old contempt mindset sometimes, but I know now where I am when that happens.

Can you just sit with those feelings, Copa?

There is nothing you need to do.

Just hear them, and let them be what they are. No one here is perfect; we have chosen human, instead.

Human is a really nice thing to be, and to become.

Here is imagery that helped me: Frankenstien, a monster pieced together from the broken parts and brought to fraudulent and ugly life. Chased into a cave by the angry villagers, he freezes solid. No tears. No pain.

Quiet.

But one day, the sun reaches into the cave.

First there is a tear.

Then, the pain.

Life, to be truly alive and present in our own lives, Copa, is worth the pain.

***

"Once, my fancy was soothed with dreams of virtue, of fame and of enjoyment. Once, I falsely hoped to meet with beings who, pardoning my outward form, would love me for the excellent qualities I was capable of unfolding."

Frankenstein's Monster speaks

The Jesus Incident
Herbert / Ransom


Always, the pain of the quest is worth the recovery.

Had my mother died before I could know my own truth, I may never have recovered.

There is nothing easy about confronting old wounds, Copa.

Are you alright?

Perhaps you need to see someone, a pastor or a helping professional of some kind, to stand for you while you begin exploring?

I have seen many therapists.

Initially, I would not have been able to take myself into and back from my own childhood safely without them.

There is no shame in it, Copa.

Hospice will be familiar with these kinds of pain too, Copa. We are not alone in our pain over our mothers and ourselves and what we have had to do to survive and how that all fits together.

Whatever you decide, we are here.

Hospice will help. I was a Hospice volunteer, and have recently completed training to volunteer for Hospice again. That is how I know that.

***

At what cost, Cedar, did I save myself...to have my own life.

Nostalgia is a strange thing. We remember the best things. The bad things, the things that hurt us ~ those we need to search for. They are buried, those things, with other traumatic events.

I hear the sincere regret of a woman who loved her mother deeply and hoped with all her heart to be loved, to be trusted and to be able to trust.

Our mothers were who they were, Copa. We don't have to hate them to reclaim ourselves.

But we do have to defy them.

They were wrong.

It is time for us to reclaim ourselves.

It is a strangely true thing that abused children feel defiance and betrayal are the same thing. We were never, ever, supposed to voice what was real, Copa.

Not a hint; not a whisper.

That is why, at 63 years of age, I have to ride around my own posts in a motorcycle with a beautifully executed needlepoint in my saddlebag that says: "F you, mom"

I have to, to reclaim myself, and to see what happened for what it was so I can be stronger and more whole and loving and everything I was always meant to be that my abuser, in her power-over crazy, twisted and robbed and pillaged away from me for nothing that matters at all.



Oh wait.

I meant:



F you, mom

That I would have rather lived close to her, in her shadow, even consumed by her...than to suffer as I have since her death

We are here on purpose, Copa. If there is suffering, then there is something worth suffering for that you need to know.

You are trying not to know it.

Can you name the core of the suffering, Copa?

I found that it was myself I was grieving for. There was so much Copa that was lost, so much that was ugly. It took me such a long time to come through it. I was able finally to acknowledge that mine is an ugly story.

It's an ugly, ugly story, Copa.

But once I could know that simple truth, I could claim both it and myself without shame.

For the first time in my life Copa, without shame.

It is what it is and oh, how I regret it. But I was just a little girl and I could not help her.

I could not save my mother, Copa.

That was the source of my suffering.

Not that I was too weak or lacked courage but that she would have it no other way.

I am mother hungry, too.

It is what it is.

But I am so happy that I lived.

***

I will be working tomorrow and the next day, Copa. I think I will not be able to post. Know I am thinking of you, know I am right there. Know I have been where you are and that it is worth every second of pain to have come through it and into myself without shame or grief or apology, Copa.

Well okay, so I am not all the way through it.

But I am determined to try.

And that is way good enough.

:O)

Cedar

 

[Scent of Cedar *]

Honestly I cannot imagine how my sister would describe me, except to recount all of my mistakes and the ways I have harmed, hurt her. She would list my crimes, my errors, not my attributes.

People who love us do not see us this way. People who hate us see us only this way. We are human. The truth is somewhere in the middle.

And, yes, there is a long list of errors, failures. I think that my Mother and Sister would talk about my failings with my child.

There are families where this does not happen. Families where, when a child falls, the family circles the wagons, protecting the mother and the father and staying strong for the fallen child.

Of course, she was right.

No. She was exploiting a vulnerability.

My family of origin is the same.

Honestly, I do not think my sister could tolerate listing my attributes. Her rage, jealousy and envy would not permit it. Is that grandiose of me?

No. Sadly, you are alone in a world of traitors of the heart.

Like me.

But you know what? I think we are coming along just fine. There are families which celebrate the various strengths of each of their members.

And then, there are families who destroy every smallest good thing, and unite only to destroy the strongest member because he or she threatens the family's dysfunctional reality.

To remind me who I was and hopefully may again someday be, I will name a few:

No one can take away who you are, Copa. I am not sure about this, but that may be what fuels hatred in the dysfunctional family ~ that whole understanding that love and compassion and belief are limited things, when in fact, the opposite is true.

The more and the more strongly we love, the more love we receive. That is true.

Audacious in my goals (I aspired beyond my intrinsic gifts, I believe, and thereby grew as a person)
Life loving (dance, travel, people)
Giving of my energy, love, time
Creative
Hopeful
Hilarious (Sometimes, too much--I made myself the Joke sometimes.)
Pretty (I gained 60 pounds)
Smart (To a large extent I feel I have lost the ability to concentrate and focus, to pay attention and to remember.

You have more courage than me. I have no idea how to describe myself. I was a pretty thing when I was young and took my value there.

So now, I don't know a darn thing about who I am.

Wrinkly, that's who!

:O)

But all in all, I like myself pretty well. My kids and grands love me and mean so much to me ~ totally extraordinary. Lots of pain there, too.

Who cares.

Brene Brown writes that we human beings are hard wired for challenge from the moments of our births.

Works for me.

:O)

Have a good Monday and Tuesday, Copa.

I will post in on Wednesday.

You are doing great.

Cedar

 

[Copabanana]

I have no idea how to describe myself. I was a pretty thing when I was young and took my value there.

So now, I don't know a darn thing about who I am.

M with whom I live reminds me when I praise myself, or list an attribute, it is not yours to say, what you are or are not. It is for others to say. You said it, Cedar, more gently than does he. We are no longer a "thing." A "thing" gets described. Better to be and not to know.

I think by being a "thing" I survived. Now, to learn to be and to love...even myself. Thank you, Cedar.

 

[InsaneCdn]

Our mothers were who they were, Copa. We don't have to hate them to reclaim ourselves.

But we do have to defy them.

They were wrong.

It is time for us to reclaim ourselves.

THANKS.

 

[Copabanana]

My son called this morning. "Mom, can I come over and look for the receipt for my phone?" (He misplaces everything...and now I think he wants to return the phone he bought, for cash, so that he can eat for the rest of the month (having spent everything on MJ.)

I replied, "Sure. How long do you plan on being here? At what time will you arrive? Please call before you come." Ah, I am beginning to say a little bit of NO. And he does not like it. I have not heard from him. Good.

 

[BusynMember]

And, yes, there is a long list of errors, failures. I think that my Mother and Sister would talk about my failings with my child

I would have found this so reprehensible that my mother would not see her grandchild anymore. I have to say my grandmother did sometimes trash my mother to me, which, looking back, was wrong.
All I can say is, I'm glad my mother had nothing to do with my children. She would have tried turning them against me, however with my own kids, I'm not sure it would have worked. Sometimes having a grandmother isn't an asset.
I'm so sorry about this. I'Tourette's Syndrome horrible.

 

[Copabanana]

[/QUOTE]

To heal, I began with a resolution to be kinder to myself. Not kind, but only kinder. I was blown away by the frequency of the times I caught myself condemning me. Over the course of a year, I began seeing myself so differently, Copa.

Let me try to understand what kinder to myself would mean by identifying how I have condemned and treated myself cruelly today:

When I feel vulnerable .... I jump to fearing that the vulnerability will continue the rest of my life.
When I decide to stop doing something that may be good for me (like walking daily) I fear that I will never do it again.
I start believing that for the rest of my life I will not be able to this thing, and all other things that I have done easily in the past.
When I start to organize papers or to pay bills, and begin to feel anxious, I think that the anxiety will continue unless I stop.
When I stop doing something because of anxiety, I go to bed.
I then start thinking I will have to stay in bed for the rest of my life.
I believe the voice that tells me the anxiety will stop if I stop doing chores.
Frequently I empower some other women to feel they can do things better than can I.
When I start to clean the kitchen and begin to feel anxiety I tell myself that if I stop cleaning-- the anxiety will stop.
When I sense that an acquaintance feels uncomfortable with something that transpired between us...I take responsibility for same.

Change would mean:

When I feel vulnerable....I feel vulnerable. It is a feeling, nothing more, nothing less.he
When I don't walk (or anything else) for a day or a week. Big Deal.
The rest of my life is this second. Anything more is a feeling. See Number one.
Accept that life is change, and change is life. There are many things I cannot do as well. It is no big deal. There are many things that are left to do.
Have a basket full of things to work on bed, for when I am anxious.
Have people work with me in the house until I am no longer anxious when I work.
If I feel I have to subordinate my abilities with a certain person, or take responsibility for their discomfort limit interactions with that person until I better understand the dynamic.
Identify tasks in the house that are very circumscribed and time limited. Have the expectation that I will complete the task, regardless of the feelings some up.

Thank you Cedar.




.

 

[Confused]

I just wanted to say hang in there( everyone gave great advice) and your in my thoughts. Getting past our past and present is hard. Take steps and try to keep thinking positive Many hugs

 

[Copabanana]

People who are trying to hurt us will claim that who we intrinsically are is a false thing.
They are wrong.
Just as there are people wired as predators, there are of course people wired as we are.
The difference is trust, I think. We think everyone is like us. They think everyone is like them.
Then, they realize we are not like them, and they hate us for it.
That's my story and I'm stickin' to it.

Cedar,
I never thought about it this way. When people hurt me, I think that they think they are justified in doing so because of the stories they tell themselves about us and themselves. For example, when my boss who I was devoted to, fired me, because co- workers thought we were having an affair. He said he was firing me because I was old and could not catch on to computers (hahaha.) Not true, I tell you.

I thought he believed he was right. I could never in a million years believe that he could do such a thing AND BELIEVE AND KNOW HE WAS DOING SOMETHING WRONG. After all, he is very devout. (Smile.)

I have a hard time accepting that my sister hates me. After all, my Mother said my sister loved me. (Another Smile. The smile machine is not working now.)

Does my sister consciously hate me? I mean is HATE written in her mind's eye? Or is it something more like, "I will protect myself against her and I will never allow her to hurt me. I am justified in doing anything to rectify (read avenge) the hurt she has caused me."

Cedar, I thank you. There is so much of yourself that you have shared with me. I will do my best to put it to good use.