My heart is breaking ... have to call police

[GoingNorth]

He's 18 years old! It's none of your business who he dates. Yes, he's acting like a dog sniffing after b!tches in heat. Yes, she's acting like trash. Yes, there's a grandchild involved.

Yes,it totally sucks, but...he's 18. He's an adult. And your ONLY recourse, ifyou don't like his lifestyle, is to throw him out of your house so you don't have that lifestyle going on under your nose.

You certainly have no business calling a young woman's father to complain of her behavior as regards your adult son. Your adult son is responsible for his behavior, just as this young woman is.

Hard and hurtful as it may be, you've GOT to step back and detach. Throw him out if you can't deal with it, but do not become involved in his relationships. They're none of your business.

 

[BusynMember]

I totally agree with Going North, harsh though it is. He can date who he wants and calling a parent of a girl he is dating is very middle school and will only push them closer together. Eighteen year olds do not listen to whom we want them to date. Your only recourse is really...what GN said...tell him he has to move out.

 

[BusynMember]

I am trying to figure out how to contact her parents and let them know about her boy toy.
You'd think with her unusual last name, it would be easy.

Terry, I'd be furious if a parent called me about what my eighteen year old was doing. Like what can they do? Maybe they know and don't care?
Up to you, but you can't call parents and expect them to have a heavy influence as the young adults get older.

 

[GoingNorth]

I don't so much worry about the parent's not caring as much as I am appalled at the reasoning that one could be willing to cause another family quite a lot of distress, if actually destory H's homelife, if not H herself, in order to protect her son from the consequences of his own bad decisions.

If her parents are very religious,the best case scenario is that H will be sent to relatives in the "Old country" to be forced into a marriage. That's the best case scenario. The worst case scenario doesn't bear thinking about.

If Terry's son had any decency, he would stay well away from H unless her father had given HIM permission to be with her. I truly doubt that Terry's son has spoken with H's father about their relationship.

Terry's got to accept the fact that at this point, her son isn't a very nice person. He drinks. He uses drugs.He has had unprotected sex and sired a child. He is leading on the mother of that child. Meanwhile, he is involved iwth another young woman who's religion forbids that involvment and who's involvement with him puts her at grave risk of emotional if not physical risk at the hands of her family, with a forced marriage being the least of it.

The ONLY way that Terry's son has a chance of becoming a good and functional member of society is for him io suffer the consequences of ALL his behavior without his parents rushing in to protect him, especially Terry, who has established a long pattern of doing so.

Terry, I wish you the best of luck in detaching from your son.I realize, especially with the patterns that have been set over so many years, that detaching will be extremely painful for you, especially as you have to stop using his mental and developmental difficulties as excuses for his behavior.

If he doesn't know right from wrong,he's a psycopath. I don't think he is. I just don't think he's yet hit consequences that hurt badly enough and that stuck no matter how much he whined and threatened.

 

[A dad]

I understand Terry and her difficulties in detaching from her son for example when I was in her situation I could not do it but my son did it he detached from me. Even if his actions went against my values which yes where not my strongest values as I was in his place when I was his age as the acorn does not fall far from the tree he is my son and still love him and that is powerful thing to overcome.
Also he was not really very stressful for me as I said those where not values I cared to much about that he broke with his actions.

 

[BusynMember]

I don't so much worry about the parent's not caring as much as I am appalled at the reasoning that one could be willing to cause another family quite a lot of distress, if actually destory H's homelife, if not H herself, in order to protect her son from the consequences of his own bad decisions.

I agree with this too, GN. They are adults. Calling parents for any reason to me is not warranted, especially if the entire family could be ruined partly due to my own child.

 

[InsaneCdn]

OK, so I'm on the other side of the fence. Terry's kid is NOT neurotypical. So, he's the kind of kid that a smart young rebel like H can manipulate and hoodwink and lead along, and the poor lad will have no idea what is really happening, when a NT fellow might have caught on by now.

Would you protect a kid with Down's Syndrome from a predatory relationship? So Terry's kid isn't quite that far down the spectrum of things, but its related. And that is part of the dilemma. He doesn't have enough self-awareness nor enough people skills, to be able to read the situation at all.

Not sure I would call H's parents. But... I kind of understand.

 

[A dad]

I do not believe that Terry's kid can be manipulated and lead along I bet that his social skills with girls is in no way lacking. Just my 2 cents here but I do have experience with people with certain social skills quite a lot of experience.

 

[InsaneCdn]

@A dad - if you go and read the history, read Terry's posts going back for a long time, you will see why I said he isn't typical. Some of us have been on this board for a long time and know the stories... its hard to get up to speed on all of us when you are new.

 

[Lil]

I'm not sure I've ever read anything that makes me think H is a predator or in some way using Terry's son. What I've seen makes me think she's basically a minor Difficult Child herself - rebelling by sneaking around with a boy her parents would never approve of and kind of butting into the family relationship with Terry and her son.

 

[A dad]

Do not underestimate people that are not typical they can surprise our common sense.

 

[pasajes4]

It would seem from some of the things that have been posted about this relationship the boy has used the young lady to his benefit. He gets rides from her, she buys him, and she intercedes on his behalf.

 

[GoingNorth]

I would assume sexual gratification plays a role as well. Plus, being raised in the faith in which she was raised, there is a strong indoctrination towards submission towards/defending males.

If she's sleeping with him in addition to everything else, she's the whole package. Let's just hope she's on birth control, because I don't see the male half of this mess being considerate enough, or caring enough about the future, to use it.

It is also possible that H wants a child as she might think that would, if not tie him to her, at least put her on an equal footing with the ex-girlfriend.

Though, the fact that she's over 18,could live on her own, but doesn't, could give up the hijab, but hasn't, leads me to believe that she still considers herself to be Muslim, conflicted, but Muslim.

 

[Childofmine]

Terry just checking in with you to see how you are doing this week with everything? We all understand how hard this is. Sorting through the chaos and craziness makes us crazy.

I hope you can start to step back some from it all and begin to reclaim your own life.

We are here to listen and help and encourage you as you walk this path. It is in no way an easy walk and we have to learn how to navigate with a lot of missteps.

We are only human. Please let us know how you are when you can. Hugs

 

[TerryJ2]

Thank you, Childofmine and other supportive parents.
Sigh.
After much thought, I will no longer be posting here. It has been years and years and years ... and ...
since so many people here have given so many conflicting viewpoints, and made judgmental statements when this is supposed to be a support board, it is no longer worth my time or heartstrings to come here.
I have given this a lot of thought. Usually, when this happens, I just disappear for a few weeks.
But why should I have to do that?
I will establish relationships with a few of you outside of here when I feel up to it.

I have no energy to support anyone else at this point. I am sorry for that. There are a lot of hurting people out there.

Also, I noticed that there are hundreds of hits on some of my posts, but comparatively few posts. I feel like this is a voyeuristic adventure and I do not need people reading just to find out what happens this week.
Yes, anyone who writes on this board is prone to that, and it is to be expected. But over the years, it has worn me down, along with everything else. I am changing my expectations and my own actions.

In the meantime, I have called the police on several occasions and I cannot make them move any faster than they are. I will not turn a pot-head special needs kid onto the street yet--so far, even the police won't arrest him, and they tell me to call his doctor. I have purchased locks for all my doors. I have consulted with an attorney. I have met numerous times with school admin.
I have researched and set in place plans for rehab facilities, Youth Challenge facilities in other states, and applications for local intensive drug counseling, for when the time comes. I am hoping and assuming it will be court-ordered.
Now, I wait for the pieces to fall where they may.

I actually do have a life. I paint, write, garden, all of that.

I'm not religious, so I won't say "bless you all." But those are my sentiments.

 

[compassion]

Terri, I really hope you decide not to leave. I hope this is a reminder that the forum should be a soft place to land. I have cringed at all the judgmental criticism. Let's get back to listening and supporting. Unless, someone specifically asks for advice, that is the best thing to do:listen and offer comfort and hugs.

 

[Tanya M]

Terry, I am just now seeing this. I haven't been on the site much the past several days, too much going on. I really hope you will not leave. I understand if you need a break but please don't leave. There are many of here that really care about you.
Sending you positive thoughts and hugs!!

 

[New Leaf]

Hi Terry I hope I haven't written anything to offend you. I think folks can be kind of raw from all the stuff going on with d c's. We are all on different paths in this journey, each one with a unique story. There is no right or wrong way. Ultimately it is our decisions that matter. I think when folks get overly critical or judgemental they are coming from a place of hurt or frustration.
Each of us on this road has had so much on our plates. It can be quite overwhelming. I am sorry for your pain, and what you are going through. It would be a shame if you left, I think we can all learn from one another. I know I have scanned through folks stories and have not had time, energy or answers to add input. You have taught me to at least check in with "I am sorry for your hurt, others will come along" or something to that effect. Thank you for all you have shared, I hope to see you here again, you have much to offer others who are going through similar trials.
I understand the exhaustion of it all.
So sorry you feel this way, it is enough, what you are going through.
We all need to treat one another the way we would like to be treated. People make mistakes. Thank you for your candor.
Hope all goes well with you.
If you do go, you will be sorely missed.
(((Hugs)))
Leafy

 

[Lil]

Oh Terry, please don't leave. I understand what it feels like to think that you are being either ignored or judged, but many people just want to support and offer help when they can. I was told early on, take what you care to and leave the rest. It's good advice. We all have our own journeys and they color our perceptions at times and I'm sure no one ever wanted to come across as judging you. As for the hundreds of views...we all get those. I'm guilty of just reading posts but having nothing to offer and moving on without commenting. It's not voyeurism, just lack of any idea what to say, though you want to see if things turn out.

I echo Leafy when I say, you would be sorely missed.

 

[Nomad]

I certainly understand. Years ago, I had a negative experience here and it really did hurt. I find sometimes I just need to get my thoughts on paper and to take in some ideas. Some I might implement, some are not right for me and never will be, some are partially helpful and some might be able to be implemented later. We are all individuals and have complicated and often intricate lives...many parts of which might not be revealed in our posts. This is why I think it's best to qualify our verbage, offer ideas if we think they might help and most of all to be empathetic and kind. Apologies if I have ever missed the mark. I hope you will consider just taking a break and then coming back at least on a limited basis. However, I certainly understand if you do otherwise. Good thoughts my friend.