Need everyone's help ASAP

[SeaGenieTx]

Update: He bought a car today and purchased insurance. He is down to $7k of his inheritance, tonight is his last night in his hotel room and he has yet to ask to come by and pick up his laptop, clothes, etc. I am scared to death he is behind the wheel of a car now, driving with suspended license. I don't know what he is thinking, he is NOT thinking - that's the problem.

Today was rough. I sat at work like a zombie, so glad I work in a small quiet office and my boss was out. I can't eat a thing but I'm going a sip on a small glass of wine to calm down a bit.

I hate to say it but what helps me from worrying is checking his bank account as I can pretty much see what he is doing and also social media. He's angry and hates me, that's a given. I know I should just let go but just knowing he is ok helps me get by.

He bought a car so now he's going drive all over everywhere, but he is down to $7K (paid for his car in full). I hate to say it but he drives like a fool and it's going to be just a matter of time before he gets pulled over, they see his license is suspended (he got a letter saying he must surrender his license). I told him I would scan and email him the letter - he didn't want it. He is on a mission to drive and get away from this city and me and go back to Austin where he can get high and party. For those of you who are not familiar with Austin it's a college town and known for being laid back - stoners paradise. Lots of hippie types and known for it's weirdness. The city's motto is "Keep Austin Weird".

3rd time caught driving without a license and who knows what will happen, I presume jail time, tow his car to the pound (where it will sit and rack up hundreds) and he'll just keep digging his hole deeper and deeper.

I'm taking off Thursday and Friday, I've got a condo rented at the beach for my birthday on Fri. I have a friend coming down to spend the day with me (male friend I've known for years) so my birthday won't be spent alone staring out to sea. I am going to swim, walk the beach, exercise, go shell shopping and enjoy myself. A change of scenery will clear my head a bit I think. The beach is my church - I always feel close to God there and can do some praying and get some exercise in.

Please everyone do not stop posting to me - if you think of advice, write it down. I started looking for a counselor to go talk to but I have no clue which one to pick. I think I'm going to find an AA meeting to attend just to sit with a group of people and talk about my brother and son and get support to help me deal with this until I get past this fragile stage.

Thanks again to everyone who's writing to me - I am so thankful to have you here as support. xoxo

 

[toughlovin]

Sounds like you are doing a good job of taking care of yourself! That is good. I know that feeling of worry and needing to check on things. I have done that too and still do to some extent. What I have found in my worst times of real worry (when he was homeless and had lost his phone) was to give myself some time each day to give in to my worry and do my checking..... and then to do my best to put it out of my mind the rest of the day. Easier said than done I know.... but really trying to keep the worry in its place so it doesnt completely take over your life helps.

 

[CrazyinVA]

I think the beach getaway sounds perfect. The ocean always revives me, centers me, kind of "reboots" things in my life. I'm going in just over 3 weeks for a long weekend, can't wait.

I know it's hard.. but remember that all those things you're worrying about are natural consequences of his actions -- and in a way, *need* to happen in order for him to learn. It's SO hard watching them walk (or drive) down self-destructive paths, but I believe we have to let things play out. We can't save them from themselves.

Go to the beach, breathe in that salt air, exhale all the negativity, and just reboot.

Hugs.

 

[Childofmine]

SeaGenie,

Go to that beach! I'm so glad you are doing this. Just being at the beach will be such a blessing.

I remember when Difficult Child wanted his license back and I was in agony about it, as he had multiple traffic violations from driving while high. I got very involved in my own head about stopping him from driving. I got a lot of advice about this, which really helped me, and I finally decided I would not help him drive, but I couldn't and didn't need to try to control whether he drove or not. I prayed that he wouldn't get hurt of hurt somebody else, but I had to let go of it. Another thing I couldn't control.

SeaGenie, work to let it go if you can. It is what it is, and it will be what it will be.

Focus on you this weekend and finding things that bring you peace.

Hugs.

 

[toughlovin]

It is those times when I worry about what my son is doing....that I say over and over the serenity prayer. God Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference. I think the less time we spend trying to control things we cannot change the better off we are. I have found this applies to many areas of my life and I am much happier for it.

 

[pasajes4]

Genie, I don't know what part of the coast you plan on visiting, but the red tide is in from Corpus to Brownsville. I went for my birthday last Saturday. We could not get close to it. It smells horrible because of all the dead fish washing up, and it is really hard on people with respiratory issues.

 

[SeaGenieTx]

Pasajes4 - upper Texas/Louisiana Coast.

 

[pasajes4]

You should be good to go

 

[SeaGenieTx]

Im having another hard, hard day. Doubting myself, my son hates me, what if kicking him out, I destroyed our relationship forever? He is 23, a grown man but what if there are mental issues there and he needs psychological help and pushing him out is causing him to go deeper into drug use? I am so worried I want to throw up. He isnt making rational decisions and I am afraid his state of mind is total self destruction now that he is feeling desperate. I dunno - I cant seem to stop my mind from all this. My son has been my life all these years and I lost everyone else - if I had family support I might be able to cope better. I just keep second guessing how I kicked him out and how much he hates me right now. Its killing me.

 

[Lil]

Honey I know, most of us do, how much it hurts to know you put your son out. I put mine out at 19, literally with a suitcase to his name! He was in a homeless shelter. He didn't have money for hotels, a car, or anyway to buy food. Mine has never even been as awful toward me as yours has been to you, but he was 19, grown, and was warned over and over that we would not live in a prison, locking things up, out of fear he'd steal them. He didn't listen. When he's been at his worst, I've agonized over whether I did the right thing. But most of the time, I believe I did.

Think of why you put him out. Your signature says, "Kicked out of house for smoking pot, breaking house rules, being disrespectful." Think about the details. If I recall, he continually refused to help you with anything, wouldn't pay rent, wouldn't contribute, stayed out all night, slept all day, brought drugs into your home, got fired from his job...or do I remember wrong?

You did nothing wrong. NO ONE has the right to expect you to put us with that behavior from a grown man. Would you let anyone who is not your son treat you like that? I wouldn't.

I wish I could help. Best I can do is tell you that there are times when I do a mental run-down of all the chances my son had to straighten up. When he went to school. When we let him come back. When he got his job. He could have straightened up at the shelter. We got him an apartment after that...this list goes on. It helps me to remember that HE had all these chances, and he didn't take them. It's on HIM, not YOU, to change his life.

Hugs for your hurting heart.

 

[SeaGenieTx]

Thanks Lil - you gave me a great idea and that is to make a list of everything he has done and my failed attempts to help or change him and how he has done nothing positive with his life since he graduated high school, etc. Then I can keep it with me and read it when I hit my low moments. Man - the feelings of guilt are unbearable - even though I know I could no longer allow his behavior in my home... I just see him in my mind hating me and telling everyone I kicked him out, gave up on him, its because of me he has all these problems.... yet he doesnt have one single ounce of remorse in his body nor could he care less about his mom. He has a cat that is 15 years old - he used to take such good care of her. He hasnt shown interest in months. She sleeps with me now and seems depressed. I take good care of her but for him to not even care about her (they grew up together) - he isnt ok. Drugs have completely changed him. Thank u for the hugs and advice Lil - appreciate it.

 

[pasajes4]

No one person should be your whole life. It is not fair to them. They can't live up to it. Your child is supposed to grow-up and move on.

 

[toughlovin]

It is really hard... we kicked my son out at 18. And to be honest things did get worse for awhile. I dont think kicking him out made things worse they were headed that way anyways but we did end up going through him being arrested, spending time in jail and being homeless. Although he has been through a lot, in the process he has met a lot of different people and I think realized that in fact he has parents who love him!! I think he has seen people who have not had the support and love he has had and in the long run it gave him some appreciation for us.... but believe me there were times when he hated me, and told me I was an awful mother etc. Pay no attention to any of that... that is the addict blaming everyone else for his troubles. There was a time when my son told ue he just couldnt tell ue hs loved us.. At some point that changed and he tells me he loves me at the end of every phone call now.

One piece of advice I got when we kicked him out, was to stay in touch with him, to keep letting him know we loved him even if he did not respond. We did that and when he got arrested he called us. Since then we have taken the stand that we will help him when he wants to help himself..... and through that we have been through numerous rehabs when he wanted out of whatever situation he was in. So when he got to that point we always helped him get into treatment.... and he was kicked otu of many and it would start over again.

And this time he made the decision himself, for himself to get into treatment and is doing well..... he has a different attitude this time.

So my point is, you can keep letting him know you love him.... but you do not need to enable him doing drugs, you dont have to protect him from his own decisions.... but you can let him know that if and when he wants help you will be there for him. And really you cant do more than that.

 

[SeaGenieTx]

Pasajes4 that is why I have pushed my son out and have forced him to launch. He cant continue to live with me and act irresponsibly - its time for me to move on and have my own life.

 

[CrazyinVA]

SeaGenie, maybe now is a good time to re-read the Detachment article at the top of this forum .. it's always a good reminder to me when I start to slip into old patterns.
http://www.conductdisorders.com/community/threads/article-on-detachment.53639/#axzz3maXZGuWk

This is hard stuff -- remember change doesn't come overnight. This is a process, and you're doing great.

Hugs.

 

[1905]

Kicking him out is helping him. He has to grow up, nothing else will make him do it, he can't be living on your couch partying at age 30 (or beyond) refusing to work. Life is gonna stink for him for awhile until he realizes this, let him blame you or whoever he needs to. Be strong, take no blame and know YOU ARE HELPING HIM. It's ugly for him and soon he will have no choice but to take responsibility for himself, sadly it might not be until the money is long gone. Right now he's thinking he can still do what he wants...he's got $7,000. Most people could start a good life with that, apt. deposit, enough to live on while he finds a job in walking distance..etc. But, not our kids, sadly. I kicked my own son out at 18. He wouldn't work, stole, the same story we all have. He lived in a bed-bug infested rooming house my brother in law helped him get, got a menial job, then a better one, saved money and got a car, an apt, then my husband finally thought he was mature enough to come to work with him. Now he's married, has 2 kids, he moved away and supports himself. He's 28. It came in baby steps, it doesn't miraculously happen overnight. You took a step in showing your son the way to his own journey. And it is his own journey, you have nothing to do with it. It's sad, it totally sucks, I went a very long time without even saying one word to my own son, 2 years, I was traumatized by him. Your son will one day thank you for doing this, I SWEAR, as mine does. It's true.

 

[New Leaf]

Im having another hard, hard day. Doubting myself, my son hates me, what if kicking him out, I destroyed our relationship forever? He is 23, a grown man but what if there are mental issues there and he needs psychological help and pushing him out is causing him to go deeper into drug use? I am so worried I want to throw up. He isnt making rational decisions and I am afraid his state of mind is total self destruction now that he is feeling desperate. I dunno - I cant seem to stop my mind from all this. My son has been my life all these years and I lost everyone else - if I had family support I might be able to cope better. I just keep second guessing how I kicked him out and how much he hates me right now. Its killing me.

Hi SeaGenie, I am so sorry you are feeling so overwhelmed.

At times I am swallowed up by the exasperation as well. It is all consuming.

I find the detachment article really, really helpful. I have read it several times.

It is understandable why you are having such a difficult time letting go. You have been the dynamic duo.

As mothers, we have let go numerous times in our lives. We give birth, the cord is cut- a letting go. We feed, bathe, soothe, nourish and nurture our babies. In this we let go a part of ourselves to assume the role as caregiver, protector, mother. Our babies grow and learn to take their first steps- we let go to encourage them to walk. They fell, they got up. They learned how to feed themselves, to take care of themselves. There are so many milestones in our children's lives. We have brought them up as best we can to be respectful, responsible adults.

We could not possibly be there 24-7 as our children grew up to protect them from harm and guide them. They had to learn to be self reliant, self directed.

Our children grow towards independence and we are supposed to help them achieve that.

What if our adult children are headed towards certain doom? Can we reach out and help them? Of course, if they appreciate the help.

Our case is different here, there is no appreciation, no mutual respect.

Smoking pot, bringing friends over when we are working, refusing to pay rent, getting arrested, saying dreadful, hurtful things-way over the line. It would be self deprecating and foolish to allow that under our roof.

We all have to process this in our own way and time frame.

I do hope that you find relief from your grief, guilt, self blaming and catastrophic mother thoughts. Believe me I have been there, done that and still back slide. The mutant mothering gene is strong.

You deserve peace of mind. It's your birth month (I celebrate for a month cause I'm older, one day is not enough! You are going to the beach woman! Breathe in the fresh salt air!

 

[Seeking Peace]

SeaGenie,

Although I haven't been in your exact situation, I have absolutely been the one always to blame!! We really start to question whether it's our fault too....

Reading about how you wonder about God giving you no more than you can handle, or feeling like you're cursed and being punished. I do get that! I've said the same exact words.

Here's what I will say:

1) nothing you did or did not do caused this
2) your son was behaving the same exact way living in your home. If he was there still, it'd be no different. You're just not bailing him out.
3) the time for 'parenting' has passed. He's 23. A grown man.

Stand firm. You are not to blame. You are not wrong for putting him out.

I, too, put my 20 yr old daughter out of the home. I drew a solid line the last time we allowed her to move back, and she not only crossed it, she did so with utter manipulation and disrespect. Being a parent doesn't mean you must allow your child to treat you that way, especially an adult child.

It's heartbreaking, it's really hard, but really what are we truly teaching them if we constantly backtrack and make exceptions.

Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me.

He's not alone. Lots of resources out there available should he want it.

 

[SeaGenieTx]

Again thank you ALL for taking the time to post - every single response has given great words of wisdom and/or valuable advice and I have listened very closely to what you guys are saying. Thank you all so, so much.

My son must have realized I could see his bank transactions, he has changed his password. Now I can only find out what he might be doing by checking his friends Instagram or his Facebook but even that is all getting tiresome. I know he is not suicidal since he bought a car. I'm giving it a rest for the next several days while I am at the beach. The weather could not be more beautiful. Got my appointment with Dr. Salt.



I remember how incredibly sad I was when my son never contacted me last Mother's Day. I sent him a text telling him thanks for remembering and his response was "What is your problem, I was just texting you to wish you a Happy Mothers Day but you beat me to it, I just woke up". At 2 in the afternoon? Day was halfway over. He was at someone else's house and never came home that day. I spent it alone. I was so sad. I'd rather be acknowledged on Mother's Day than my own birthday. I expect zero from him on Friday (my birthday). Not even going to HOPE to hear from him.

I'm ok I just keep getting these anxiety attacks where I suddenly think what if he dies...what if I never see him again. What if I'm old and dying and he hates me and I will never see him again. I thought at this age we'd be close and he'd be on his own, happy, enjoying his life and I'd be proud and enjoying seeing him go to school or work, eventually get married...

I'm just not sure he is mentally stable to enough to do good and make the right choices. I sure hope so as all I can do right now is HOPE but I've got to decompress from this a bit. My stomach is in knots and I'm mentally drained from worry. I'm going to re-read the detachment article then pack for my beach adventure. I love you all - I swear no counseling session could surpass the support you people have given me. This has truly been a lifesaver - thank you again. Hugs to each one of you!

 

[recoveringenabler]

SeaGenie, I am here too. I think how you are feeling is a part of this journey, there is a lot to wade through to get to a place of peace. You're doing all the right things, and it is a process, there is only one way out and that's through.....

As we change behavior where we've responded a certain way for so long, there is a time period of adjustment where the fears all emerge. It is much like addiction, you are in recovery, all your usual ways of reacting are in flux and it is not only uncomfortable, it brings up all of the real powerlessness that we humans have a lot of trouble with. We just don't have the kind of control we believe we do, especially where our kids are concerned, all the love in the world cannot change another person........only they can do that. But letting go of the illusion of control and living in the sheer powerlessness is a mind boggling experience and, from my vantage point, that's where you are. All of those "what if's" are mind created scenarios that usually don't happen, but they can give us many sleepless nights and many days of intense worry.

For me, letting go of all of that worry took time. I had to systematically address each fear and realize I could not control any of it. Letting go is hard SeaGenie, however, it is necessary for your well being and in fact, for your sons as well. My choice during that time period was to seek out as much help as I could. I knew I would require a lot of support to change my responses and to let go of all my fears and my sense that this was all my responsibility.

My daughter has emotional and mental issues too. However, unless someone is psychotic, which your son is not, our kids must face the consequences of the choices they make. I had to face the devastating truth that because of the way my daughter lives, she may at some point face a negative fate which I will have no power to make right. That powerlessness is, in my opinion, at the crux of all of our parental fears. It is quite the hurdle to get through that. Powerlessness in life is hard to face, but powerlessness in regards to our children, is beyond anything most parents have to face like we do. It was the hardest thing I have ever done. But, SeaGenie, I did do it. I did get to the other side of this forest of fear and I found a real sense of peace. You can do it too. You are doing it. And sometimes, it feels really, really bad.

But you are headed to the beach. Also my favorite place to be. While you are there, practice breathing deeply and pushing your mind to engage in the present moment, watching the sunset, swimming in the warm water, not jumping in to the "what if's." Expand the moments where you are successful at pulling that off. Start with 5 minutes.........as those fear thoughts enter in your head, say, "thanks for sharing, but I'm going to let those thoughts go now." And practice that every day. With time, those fear thoughts lose some power and in between those thoughts, little bits of peace show up.........one moment at a time SeaGenie, one moment at a time. Go have some fun. You deserve it. Worrying about your son is not going to help either of you, all it's going to do is ruin the moments of your life. Put it aside, you can pick it all up upon your return if you choose. You deserve a break. Happy birthday. Be very very kind to yourself. Sending you big hugs........