New Here....So sad again.....

cocomad

New Member
I've been looking at this site off and on for a while now! I have it booked marked:) I know how much I need help. Today, was so horrible. I saw my son , who is full on crazy, going from dumpster to dumpster scrapping food. He is living on the streets....I tried to talk to him...I'm not sure he knew who I was. He is 35.

Been dealing with my AS for years now. It started with weed and has now progressed to heroin & meth. He got a felony a couple of years ago...He had no where to go after jail so he came to my house.


He was asked to leave our house about 2 years ago cause of his drug use. . I can't stop crying and wondering ??? Must of been a stupid parent, not strict enough, selfish...I could go on and on. I tried to be such a good person and mother. Always nice & helpful....

Coming from a family of addicts & dysfunction, I felt the need to relocate to escape the influences of family. Then no one paid any attention to us
and trash talked us. No one cares about my family. They said we were the ones that left.

Don't know what to do to help my son....

I do know that I need to help myself as I feel such a sad heart and have to carry on..............
 
C

Copa

Guest
Hi coco.

Our story is similar. My son who is almost 33 I don't think is so much using hard drugs but he is homeless.

I never believed our story would be this. Like you there has been addiction in my family. I was a single mom. There are many of us here.

it is not our fault. And we have no control. The fight is to not go down the tubes with them. It’s late here but I will check in again. LoveCopa

Try hard not to be sad. I know it’s hard but it doesn’t help.
 

BusynMember

Well-Known Member
I'm on my way somewhere but I'm in Nar Anon. We have three C's we live by. First one.is vital. We didn't CAUSE it. Most of us were great parents. But the gene.of addiction, outside influences like peers and media are more influential than us after a certain age. We can't CONTROL it. It is not in our power to change somebody elses life, not even a beloved child's life.
We can only change how we deal with it...can only change US. And we can't CURE it. They have to get and stay sober. This also applies to anything else in their lives.including mental illness...we have no control so it's good to work on ourselves and stop asking why. We will never.know why. We all tried our best.

I go to Nar Anon AND private therapy. These saved my sanity. You matter!!! Maybe go for some sort of help like I did. I was a huge mess.

Love and.prayers.
 
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cocomad

New Member
Thank you for reaching out. Today is a meeting online in Nar Anon and tomorrow therapy search for myself. This situation has been happening for 10 years, I'm go through phases....in the back of my mind, reaction to media or trigger, or seeing him, sometimes I can hold it together...but yesterday watching him going through dumpsters broke me up.....
Listened to grief podcast last night....
My body defiantly feeling traumatized...eyes & heart hurts...
Trying to find a way to feel better
 

BusynMember

Well-Known Member
I found that not knowing too much helped me. How did you see your son going through dumpsters? My daughter probably has too and I suspect she prostituted for drug money. As I type that, my hand shook. I stopped reading her social media too.

Online Zoom NarAnon meetings are a big thing with COVID. I go to an online Zoom meeting on Thursday from the Midwest, but people from all states can and do come. Really like it. Not as threatening to me as in person.

Much love. I've been at this over a decade. It's very hard BUT things can get better if WE do.
 

cocomad

New Member
Thanks for reaching out BusynMember... "How did you see your son going through dumpsters?"
I live 10 miles out of the "city". I was driving through the area he has been tenting in ( gone from his spot as school has started)...saw him walking down the street...pulled over and watched what he was doing & where he was going to see where he was at now. He was digging through dumpsters...picking things from garbage cans...I pulled up near him and called his name...said it was Mom..could I help? He wasn't talking straight....wasn't HIM...so devastated...been crying for 2 days.
this pain is paralyzing....how do you verbalize this to anyone?
There is something inside me that changed....I'm online trying to get myself better...
Thanks again
 

RN0441

100% better than I was but not at 100% yet
I am so sorry and your puppy picture is so adorable.

You didn't cause this. None of us have/did. It most likely had nothing to do with OUR parenting because if it did, we wouldn't be here trying to fix it.

Keep posting and reading. You will gain knowledge and strength. You cannot change your son. Only he can change himself.

Blah blah blah it may sound like but it is the truth and all of us here have been down this path and we KNOW. Read our stories. I've been here for a long time.

You need to take care of yourself. Your suffering will NOT help your son. It will only make you weak and sad. Do you have a support group of any type? Husband, friends, etc. I went to one on one therapy because Alanon wasn't what I needed at the time. Too many sad stories. I needed to focus on my own problems and what I needed to do to adjust and adapt. My therapist taught me to create firm but loving boundaries.

If you have faith, pray hard every day for your son and also for yourself. I never gave up.

Guess what? It worked. My son is on a good path now. If I had not done all the things that I did, I may have not had a happy ending.

Hugs for your broken heart, stay strong and we are here for you.
:grouphugg:
 

cocomad

New Member
First, I would like to thank all of you for posting your experience , strength and hope. It eases my mind...
Secondly, the puppy picture looks just like my "terrorist"! He is adorable and 13 years old now...the first 10 years , he was so crazy...2-1hr workouts to keep him from stalking me & bossing me around! Now he can deal with other dogs!!! But it took time....
It has been a rough couple of days...What is really hard ...dealing with shame, blame & reality of my sons life and future.
Work used to be a good distraction as I would be focused on that ,but it got to be too stressful so I'm " buzzing" with no where to go!
Good news.. I have been doing some things to relieve the sadness.
For my mental health...Coming to this forum, did a zoom meeting last night and listening to podcasts of addiction.
I do walks, bike rides, yoga, and gardening...plus endless chores
:lol:
I'm a bit hyper!
Also working on gratitude...starting the alphabet from A....only to get to my sons name and I start to cry...
Have to get strong.....and be gentle on myself...such a worrier...taking a deep breath and starting my day and my recovery!
 

RN0441

100% better than I was but not at 100% yet
That's a start!

I just got a script for 5 mg of Lexapro. I am always overthinking everything so though it may help take the "edge" off. I took it for about a year when my son was in his worst days to help me deal and it did.

We are moving back to Chicago in 2 years so happy about it but also stressing over it. Also have a lot of changes at work which don't worry me a lot and also worry about my son moving back next year ahead of us and how he will adjust etc. He does have his two older brothers there.

My husband has been having some bad reaction that I call "episodes" to something and we have been trying to get to the bottom of it with lots of test, that so far reveal nothing. Tomorrow he gets an upper GI and ultrasound of his abdomen so may reveal something. Yep that's a stresser too.

Then think that he just met a new girl and what will that mean for their relationship if they still even have one...

See I'm a bit neurotic!
 

Helpless29

Active Member
I feel your pain, I’m always asking WHY and I know there will never be an answer, my son is 18 teen , I came to this site when he was 15 teen , I completely understand how you feel , I’m still struggling, he’s been in juvenile detention, rehabs, etc .. he’s does drugs not sure which ones & has been binge drinking. As you can see from my signature, I feel so helpless & I’m barely holding it together . He’s been homeless, he sent me videos of him sleeping on a bench ,he has somewhere to stay right now but it’s only for another week & he’ll be back on the streets . This site will help you just keep posting , even if it’s to vent , trust me it will help , no one will understand our situations like they do on here . I have been to Al Anon a few times but I think I need more one on one. What podcasts help you? I would like to find something to listen to when I feel stressed or consumed with his whereabouts. I wish I could give you better advice but like you I’m a mess & cry almost everyday . Just know you are not alone .
 

JayPee

Sending good vibes...
Coco,

You've come to the right place and after reading posts from others, I see they've given you good advice. It IS heart wrenching and nothing any parent dreams they will have to deal with.

I absolutely don't have all the answers but can offer a couple tidbits of advice. Take what you like and leave the rest...

Remember that you can chose your thoughts. Try not to recycle the picture over and over in your head of seeing him searching in the dumpsters. The minute it comes to mind replace it with another sweet picture you can recall of you and your son that warms your heart.

Pray and turn you and your son over to your Higher Power. For me that is God and without him I'd be nothing. Ask Him to be your sufficiency when you feel insufficient to handle this burden that is crushing you.

Read some good books like Co-dependency No More from Melodie Beatty.

Keep posting.

Sending prayers and hugs
 

cocomad

New Member
Hi Helpless, Thanks for reading my share. I empathize with you over your son. It hurts so much to watch the progression of the disease. It effects the whole family......
I have another son (37) who just married and is expecting their first baby in March. He is finishing his BA this fall and has lots of credits this semester. He has not been working since the pandemic when he was laid off about 1.5 years. Well, he purchased a fixer house ( original house of hoards)5 years ago which took 3 HUGE dumpster boxes to see to the floor. They got the kitchen done, but his wife was saying that the: roof repaired, washer/dryer relocated and bathroom needed to be done before the baby comes. This conversation happened over Labor Day and WE offered to help because we build homes. The project begins ...opening floors, relocating pipes....after 7 days, our son is getting hostile. He got into a huge fight with my husband attacking him personally, saying all of his issues are from his childhood and that is the reason our other son is the way he is.
This hurt me because I am tired of the blame game....I really worked hard to get where I am today, made a lot of sacrifices and take care of my business. I am still a work in progress..not prefect at all. Sorry for the rant... not sure what to do about this...was it our fault for involvement...? This too will pass..... Just exhausted from all the stress....

The podcasts that I'm listening to are on Spotify....The Anxiety Coach podcast....lots of topics
 

cocomad

New Member
JayPee,
Thanks for your response...how did you know that I keep ruminating that image over in my mind? Your suggestion of visualizing another image instead will be better than my sad image. Your profile sounds just like mine exactly....my husband doesn't drink but his father died of alcholism. My sons say he was angry and I'm "enabler".
I have read lots of self help books......I know something is wrong....will reread Codependency no More again.
 

JayPee

Sending good vibes...
Coco,
Alcoholism is a "family disease". We are all sick from it. So even though your husband wasn't an alcoholic, he is still "sick" so to speak from living with an alcoholic father. Trust me, I can't say "all" of the reason my sons are the way they are is due to growing up with the insanity of alcoholism but it certainly contributed to their anxiety, depression and own instability.

Because I go to Al anon and have for several years, I know they are sick but until they can get the help they need for themselves, there's nothing I can do. Once you get the help "You" need it's funny how you can then identify the brokenness in your loved ones who have been affected by the disease, much easier.

With regards to being an enabler...well I'm the Queen of that and have been working on that for a long time. Just remember, our enabling started with caretaking (as mothers seem to do) and somehow along the way it's gets distorted. I've read a book recently that talked about how people enable, fix and rescue similar to the alcoholic who takes a hit of alcohol. In that, it's issues with our own lack of "self worth" that likely subconsciously, we fix, rescue and enable for our own hit of "I'm a good person" feeling. We somehow feel that the only way others will like us is if we do something good or rescue the situation. Somewhere along the way of life due to broken relationships and such we don't feel worthy of being loved just for who we are.

I had so much verbal abuse from my ex-husband during the course of 30 years of marriage, that I now have a life-time of re-building my worthiness. It still feels selfish to me to care for myself, that's how bad I've gotten, but I keep trying since those people who seem to know the way out of this, have said that's they key to my changing.
 
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RN0441

100% better than I was but not at 100% yet
That is so true. I grew up with an alcoholic mother and very often did not have my basic needs met SO I wanted to be the best mother ever to my two boys and stepson.

But through therapy I also learned to give myself some grace and SELF COMPASSION. Maybe some of the things I did contributed to the continuation of my son's addictive behaviors but I don't hold it against ME anymore. I think we all do the best that we can. We love our children to the moon and back.

We'd die for them but not in order to let them continue in an addictive or destructive path/life.

We need to take care of ourselves. It's so very important because we cannot be of any good to anyone if we are not mentally and physically healthy.

:notalone:
 
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