One step forward two steps back...

JayPee

Sending good vibes...
Hi to All,
I've not posted in a while. Maybe I thought I was "better" or something. I'm not sure. Some movement in the right direction for my younger Son, (26) was happening. He had been working for about 7 months. He was an assistant manager at one of our local "dollar type" stores. I was so proud of him and I told him so very often. For those of you who don't know, for many years he lived in his car, suffers from PTSD, Anxiety and much more. He lives with a few roommates in a rough part of town but nontheless it's a step up. Just before Christmas he said he quit his job. Issues with the head Manager. My heart sunk but he said he had two month's rent saved so he's still heading in the right direction taking care of himself. Although, he's started to ignore my texts because I keep asking him if he's found another job yet. I'm still hopeful that he's made some good changes and will continue down that road.

The older son, who will be 32 in a couple of weeks is another story. I re-connected with him and opened "my wallet" again. Large amounts of cash to help with rent/food etc. Always feeling the next big chunk of $ I give him will put him right where he needs to be to get to be where he should be. He is living with two roommates (so also for him an improvement because his car was his home for a while too). We're pretty much back to square one where he's looking for money and never has enough to get him through until his next pay day. He's only working 20 hrs. a week and I've told him I can't be the supplement for the 2nd job he should have. He of course, doesn't see it that way and feels he's working very hard and I look down on his achievements. He says I don't see him for who he really is when in reality, I can see him for who he exactly is. It won't be long before he starts calling me names again.

I guess I just needed to see the reflection of my life "on paper" again to hopefully awaken me to the repetitive cycle I've been going through for years. I pray that some day I can really get off the merry-go-round and stay off.
 

BusynMember

Well-Known Member
Hi there and big hugs. It is incredibly hard to watch kids suffer when we know they can do better. I am wondering if you have ever received help for yourself. Not for them because their lives are their own, but for you. It is hard to figure it out alone with no help in my opinion. We tried and tried, afraid to see a therapist or talk to others at Nar Anon. Then we forced it and for us these really helped. The Bank Of Dad and Mom is finally closed for good. And we can't be talked to in a rude way. We will not tolerate it.

Now I don't know if you have other children that function well. I can not imagine my only kids struggling. However, we lost a wonderful sunny brilliant boy to cancer and lost our firstborn to her own poor choices and now she is homeless and we are out of touch. At times I still cry for both of them. But I can now pick myself up and move on these days. We practice Radical Acceptance too. It is so helpful!

I hope you find what works best for you. Your sons, like my daughter, can not be forced to live well or to be nice to us for how hard we try or to stop asking for things. We do have the power to say no. We have the power to insist that they treat us with civility or else end any conversation. For us learning boundaries was imperitive.

May you find peace and help yourself ❤️
 

Copabanana

Well-Known Member
Dear Jaypee

I have thought of you many times, and I had hoped you would check-in.

To me both of your sons are doing spectacularly better: no overt abuse; living in actual homes with other people; working or between jobs. And I feel certain there are other improvements too.

Rather than enabling, I see you trying to be flexible, seeking balance, offering some help so that they once again carry the ball. I think part of our healing is coming to tolerate when there are transitions from really good, stable, and improving--to who knows what? I think we panic. I think this is PTSD. I think we fear the bottom will fall out yet again. And then, what do we do? Attack ourselves...it's our fault...we're not doing it right...again.

For many of us, this comes from childhood. It's a learned behavior to take the blame, ourselves, for something that has nothing at all to do with us. But once we are aware we can breathe deeply, center ourselves, and step back. Once again put the responsibility completely on the adult child, which is where it belongs.

You did nothing wrong. Not one thing. If there's no place to help our kids at all, who are we, what are we?
 

JayPee

Sending good vibes...
Hi there and big hugs. It is incredibly hard to watch kids suffer when we know they can do better. I am wondering if you have ever received help for yourself. Not for them because their lives are their own, but for you. It is hard to figure it out alone with no help in my opinion. We tried and tried, afraid to see a therapist or talk to others at Nar Anon. Then we forced it and for us these really helped. The Bank Of Dad and Mom is finally closed for good. And we can't be talked to in a rude way. We will not tolerate it.

Now I don't know if you have other children that function well. I can not imagine my only kids struggling. However, we lost a wonderful sunny brilliant boy to cancer and lost our firstborn to her own poor choices and now she is homeless and we are out of touch. At times I still cry for both of them. But I can now pick myself up and move on these days. We practice Radical Acceptance too. It is so helpful!

I hope you find what works best for you. Your sons, like my daughter, can not be forced to live well or to be nice to us for how hard we try or to stop asking for things. We do have the power to say no. We have the power to insist that they treat us with civility or else end any conversation. For us learning boundaries was imperitive.

May you find peace and help yourself ❤️
Dear Jaypee

I have thought of you many times, and I had hoped you would check-in.

To me both of your sons are doing spectacularly better: no overt abuse; living in actual homes with other people; working or between jobs. And I feel certain there are other improvements too.

Rather than enabling, I see you trying to be flexible, seeking balance, offering some help so that they once again carry the ball. I think part of our healing is coming to tolerate when there are transitions from really good, stable, and improving--to who knows what? I think we panic. I think this is PTSD. I think we fear the bottom will fall out yet again. And then, what do we do? Attack ourselves...it's our fault...we're not doing it right...again.

For many of us, this comes from childhood. It's a learned behavior to take the blame, ourselves, for something that has nothing at all to do with us. But once we are aware we can breathe deeply, center ourselves, and step back. Once again put the responsibility completely on the adult child, which is where it belongs.

You did nothing wrong. Not one thing. If there's no place to help our kids at all, who are we, what are we?
Thank you both for your words for me to reflect upon and your support.

I pray for everyone on this site and their struggling loved ones.
 

RN0441

100% better than I was but not at 100% yet
Welcome back. I'm sorry you are having concerns over your older son. I think it's okay that you help him a bit but must set limits. He definitely needs to work full time. He cannot let himself slide back into his old lifestyle.

It's so hard to know what is too much help. If he calls you one name ever again, I'd not help at all. Period end of story.

Don't let him lay the guilt trip on you. He is a GROWN MAN. Time for him to take care of himself and you to take care of yourself.

Keep us posted! This past year has been hell on everyone for various reasons.
 

Deni D

Well-Known Member
Jaypee ~ Sounds like they both are moving in the right direction. I think a simplistic view is if they want to keep the roofs over their heads they will step up and do what they have to. There are a lot of jobs out there right now, jobs that will at least work for them to survive.

I'm not one for bending the truth but you might want to start telling your older son you are having financial difficulty and can only help him so much as you close up your wallet again. Back months ago when my son was telling me he had no food and couldn't go to the doctors and such I made suggestions of where the closest food banks were and how he qualifies for insurance because he had no income. I get the name calling regardless so that doesn't phase me anymore. The name calling thing used to really get to me but recently someone called me a name online, I laughed it off and didn't even get hurt by it. I wish I had developed that talent years ago.
 

MissLulu

Well-Known Member
Welcome back JayPee. I'm so glad you posted.

You have come such a long way with your sons and I know this will just be a small bump in the road for you. None of us are perfect. Our kids backslide, we backslide - it's not a linear journey we are on here. I think we need to be able to forgive ourselves when we make mistakes, or make choices we wish we hadn't. It's a slow process, but I see improvements for all of us who regularly post here. We don't have to be perfect (whatever that is) and I think it's probably on natural that we do occasionally backslide/give in to our kids. And as Copa said, sometimes being flexible is warranted. The important thing is to take care of yourself. To know where your line in the sand is and, once you've drawn it, stick to that. Keep posting. We're here for you.
 

stillhopeful

New Member
Hi JayPee

I am glad your sons have made headway in the right direction. I will keep this short, but I do want to remind you that whether or not they had income in the past year, they are eligible for the stimulus money that is available to all citizens. They most likely know this and have received the first payment, but if they have not they will get the money when they file their 2020 taxes. That might take some pressure off of you feeling the need to come up with financial help and provide them with some needed support.
 
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