the ball is in his court??

[Copabanana]

my son was accepted into an outpatient drug treatment program and completed a 3 hour intake today.

he never did stop smoking mj.

he had gone last week for an initial consult and had (said) he'd made an appointment for today. (who believes anything he says?)

i told him this morning. you either have proof of enrollment into a program today or you leave today.

we drove him. i met the director who also was the one who interviewed him. we picked him up. she walked out with him. confirmation enough.

he was told he needs to have written and signed proof of attending and completing each of the 30 sessions over a 10 week period. in order to stay living in the apartment.

i am sick of him.

m says i need to stay on him but not be hard. yeah. right.

i told him this morning. this is just the beginning.

he is such a liar. he was mortified to see us walking out of the clinic (we had entered to leave a message we were leaving to go eat.) he had just told the women we were living pennsylvania. liar. liar. pants on fire.

the director has only recently started her private clinic but we worked at the same prison, unbeknownst to each other. she for a well regarded substance abuse program.

she is a mature woman. and i liked her. she seemed approriate and responsible. my son walked out seeming happy and proud of himself carrying a huge packet of materials. sigh.

another day. another dollar.

 

[Littleboylost]

Dear Copa
Is it a rouse, is it genuine, JS attempts st sobriety.

Regardless of his true intention, he may find out he accidentally leads something along the way.

Skirting with rehab and housing vs homelessness is an absorbent lesson regardless of Js intent.

It is a process and yes it is one that haze a variety of outcomes but it is indeed a process.

Take time to focus on you and M for a while. I know how difficult this is when the son is so close by.

 

[New Leaf]

HI Copa, just checking in before work.

the director has only recently started her private clinic but we worked at the same prison, unbeknownst to each other. she for a well regarded substance abuse program.

It is interesting how life connects at the strangest places.

she is a mature woman. and i liked her. she seemed appropriate and responsible. my son walked out seeming happy and proud of himself carrying a huge packed of materials. sigh.

Well, at least he has his foot in the door. Hoping that this will work for him, and for all of you, Copa. It is a start.

Take time to focus on you and M for a while. I know how difficult this is when the son is so close by.

Most certainly focus on you and M.
It is hard when our d cs are near, and hard when they are not.
I hope you were able to enjoy your trip.
(((HUGS)))
Leafy

 

[Copabanana]

i have told him he cannot come here to my house without a clean drug test.

he admitted to using mj this weekend. his rationale?

1. he had it. why not finish it?

2. he needed it to sleep. it's not healthy to not sleep.

3. the program starts tomorrow. friday was just intake.

we hit the roof.

i told him: you sign a release to permit our speaking to your counselor. or you leave tomorrow. involve us. there is a family component. i want full communication. enrolling is not enough for your continuing to live in our property. this is a drug free program with the expectation of abstinence. enrolling is not an excuse to continue using.

he agreed. he is fessing that he is dependent. he says he will do what it takes to recover. he expresses eagerness to do what it takes. he called to say he feels sad and bad he is dependent.

he does not understand why this time we are being so hard on him when he is accomplishing so much.....

he says he will call from his appointment tomorrow to verify the releases are signed.

 

[Sam3]

I’m so sorry.

Hopefully he will take the break this program offers and realize what it’s like to be clear headed for an extended period of time.

And like it.

 

[New Leaf]

he agreed. he is fessing that he is dependent. he says he will do what it takes to recover. he expresses eagerness to do what it takes. he called to say he feels sad and bad he is dependent.

Well, this is something. A start. Admitting he has a problem. Only time will tell if he is sincere and truly wishes to take the steps needed to free himself.
One day, one step at a time. I hope your son continues to climb the mountain. I hope he realizes the potential he has, the spark.
I think I would be cautiously optimistic. Guard my heart, but still look at this as a small, but important step.
A foot in the door.
It has been a long haul for you all, Copa.
Me, too.
My two are no where near admitting they have a problem.
So, my view on this is that it is progress.
It is agonizingly hard to be hopeful, feeling that things may come crashing down again.

he does not understand why this time we are being so hard on him when he is accomplishing so much.....

Have drugs just stuck our d cs at 16? They don't seem to have a clue at the heartache we have been through.
Drugsnatched all natural feelings of empathy.
Well. Only time will tell.
I think it is the same for them, coming out of their own FOG.
One day, one step at a time.
Fear of living straight, addicted and Obligated to the drug haze, when they break free, their minds remembering all of the "stupid" drugs caused, the Guilt.
They must have their own FOG to come through.
I hope he comes through.
I hope the headlights will shine glaringly to a better way and he takes the steps necessary to break free.
Only time will tell.
For now, it is a small, but hopeful glimmer.
My prayers going up for your son, and you and M, Copa.
He is blessed to have you.
Perhaps he is beginning to realize it.
This time, you are more prepared and ever stronger for whatever may be.
Soldier on warrior sister, keep building your toolbox.
(((HUGS)))
Leafy

 

[so ready to live]

Oh Copa. It's so difficult to discern if we are at the bottom of the roller coaster hill or the top at times. I felt a jump in my stomach when you described his lie of you being out of state. Why they do what they do..... I believe for me, the lying, whether trivial things or serious is the most hurtful. And then he feels bad he's dependant? My head says "give me a break" but then way in the back of my heart there's still an iota of sadness that he feels bad. Ok, so is the manipulation worse or the lying.... I'm trying to work on not evaluating so much, maybe I'm starting to grasp "it is what it is". What it is...is his. Not mine.
Prayers.

 

[Littleboylost]

Copa
The recognition is a good step and it is excellent that he has a program starting so close to this recognition.

He is dependant. He doesn’t stop on his own simply because he can not. I am hopeful that the program is helpful for all of you c

I am not sleeping. Taking son to tour inpatient rehab tomorrow and have his intake interview. The. Hopefully we can obtain a bed and get him on the road to recovery.

It is like living with a caged wild animal. The drugs alter him so much.

I honestly believe they do learn something with each progressive engagement with any form of help. Perhaps it will be the sum of these interactions that will eventually be their saving grace. Only time will tell.

It is now the best day and we have completed our tour. Son was highly agitated on the drive to rehab that was a little over an hour. He told me another child has passed away from Xanax (with fentanyl), OD. This is 2 of his friends since June, both boys, both 17 such a tragedy.

He was calmer on the drive back and had a meeting no at school to meet with teachers and social services to create a plan to rescue his grades.

He is clean and Highly stressed a very volatile time.

We are not waiting to hear how long a wait it will be for a bed at rehab for him. The program is 6 months with continued community follow up. Here is hoping for the best with no expectations.

I really hope J engages and embraces this opportunity.

I am thinking about you.

 

[Copabanana]

lbl. your post though informative and welcome was painful and tragic to read.

your son's distress. the loss of the two young men. to me this implicates our societies. that tolerates this sacrifice and then does not act. this should be the foremost national emergency.

why are we not convening as communities to ask ourselves, what is missing in our societies? for our children. and how can we create it? in ourselves. our relationships (including to ourselves)our institutions. our values.our priorities.

what do we need to do to create the support and sustain meaning and connection that this not happen to our children? that they value and view themselves and their lives as fundamentally important that they would stop before this plunge.

i just hate for you to have to endure this. but know you well enough to know that for you there is no alternative.

oh. i respect you so much lbl. and i am so grateful (and at the same time--sorry--you know) you and everybody else are here.

there is so much love and goodness here. i am looking at each of you.

i am praying that there will be a bed in the Residential Treatment Center (RTC) for your son very, very shortly.

my son got hysterical 2x yesterday when first m and later i said he would be out if this drug use continued. he said he would rather die than be homeless again.

like this is a hurricane or earthquake. an act of g-d. not his.

like we are doing this to him. ejecting him when he is a victim of some arbitrary disaster.

don't you understand j? that this would be a direct consequence of your behavior?

except you are right lbl. the dependency makes them feel hijacked. it is kind of like a stockholm syndrome. they have abdicated their will to their oppressor.

i understand better now lbl. thank you. i am better able to understand and respond in terms of support, tools and knowledge-- and not choice.

srtl. i'm with you about the lying. and for me there is way more than an iota of compassion for his sadness, loneliness and lack of purpose. it engulfs me. which is how i arrive at self-abandonment.

new leaf. thank you for your unflagging support. yes. the inability or block to feel empathy, compassion, regret for the effects of their behavior, their presence, on others gives me whiplash. is it guilt? is it a defense mechanism?

sam you uttered the dirty word: the loaded, seductive, dangerous word. hope.

i am learning slowly the concept that i can only locate hope in myself. for myself. because once i locate it as about his life i start building castles in the sand. this is both inappropriate and wrong and i am the one who inevitably is crashed by waves.

thank you everybody.

 

[Littleboylost]

lbl. your post though informative and welcome was painful and tragic to read.

your son's distress. the loss of the two young men. to me this implicates our societies. that tolerates this sacrifice and then does not act. this should be the foremost national emergency.

why are we not convening as communities to ask ourselves, what is missing in our societies? for our children. and how can we create it? in ourselves. our relationships (including to ourselves)our institutions. our values.our priorities.

what do we need to do to create the support and sustain meaning and connection that this not happen to our children? that they value and view themselves and their lives as fundamentally important that they would stop before this plunge.

i just hate for you to have to endure this. but know you well enough to know that for you there is no alternative.

oh. i respect you so much lbl. and i am so grateful (and at the same time--sorry--you know) you and everybody else are here.

i am praying that there will be a bed in the Residential Treatment Center (Residential Treatment Center (RTC)) for your son very, very shortly.

my son got hysterical 2x yesterday when first m and later i said he would be out if this drug use continued. he said he would rather die than be homeless again.

like this is a hurricane or earthquake. an act of g-d. not his.

like we are doing this to him. ejecting him when he is a victim of some arbitrary disaster.

don't you understand j? that this would be a direct consequence of your behavior?

except you are right lbl. the dependency makes them feel hijacked. it is kind of like a stockholm syndrome. they have abdicated their will to their oppressor.

i understand better now lbl. thank you. i am better able to understand and respond in terms of support, tools and knowledge-- and not choice.

srtl. i'm with you about the lying. and for me there is way more than an iota of compassion for his sadness, loneliness and lack of purpose. it engulfs me. which is how i arrive at self-abandonment.

new leaf. thank you for your unflagging support. yes. the inability or block to feel empathy, compassion, regret for the effects of their behavior, their presence, on others gives me whiplash. is it guilt? is it a defense mechanism?

sam you uttered the dirty word: the loaded, seductive, dangerous word. hope.

i am learning slowly the concept that i can only locate hope in myself. for myself. because once i locate it as about his life i start building castles in the sand. this is both inappropriate and wrong and i am the one who inevitably is crashed by waves.

thank you everybody.

 

[Littleboylost]

why are we not convening as communities to ask ourselves, what is missing in our societies? for our children. and hiw can we create it?

It isn’t even a topic of discussion in the school system. Just a matter of fact for the day in the lives of our children. How did we get here. I advocate where and when I can and know more needs to be done. I am so busy tending the fire on my doorstep, I have no energy for anything else.

my son got hysterical 2x yesterday when first m and later i said he would be out if this drug use continued. he said he would rather die than be homeless again.

like this is a hurricane or earthquake. an act of g-d. not his.

except you are right lbl. the dependency makes them feel hijacked. it is kind of like a stockholm syndrome. they have abdicated their will to their oppressor.

Drug napped and in an altered state with no self awareness or mindfulness for anyone else but their drug addled Egos.

srtl. i'm with you about the lying. and for me there is way more than an iota of compassion for his sadness, loneliness and lack of purpose. it engulfs me. which is how i arrive at self-abandonment.

I feel this comment to my very core Copa.

new leaf. thank you for your unflagging support. yes. the inability or block to feel empathy, compassion, regret for the effects of their behavior, their presence, on others gives me whiplash. is it guilt? is it a defense mechanism?

It is baffling, so very baffling.

i am learning slowly the concept that i can only locate hope in myself. for myself. because once i locate it as about his life i start building castles in the sand. this is both inappropriate and wrong and i am the one who inevitably is crashed by waves.

Very well said Copa!

 

[Sam3]

except you are right lbl. the dependency makes them feel hijacked. it is kind of like a stockholm syndrome. they have abdicated their will to their oppressor

This is a powerful insight. The addiction is another actor preventing them from making better choices, so any boundary we set feels like punishment.

. . . once i locate [hope] as about his life i start building castles in the sand.

Sad, but beautiful, metaphor.

 

[Sam3]

I think it is the same for them, coming out of their own FOG.
One day, one step at a time.
Fear of living straight, addicted and Obligated to the drug haze, when they break free, their minds remembering all of the "stupid" drugs caused, the Guilt.
They must have their own FOG to come through.

You’re so right. It’s why I hear the clock ticking. It feels like each day using gives them more reason to defer the day of reckoning.

I felt a jump in my stomach when you described his lie of you being out of state.

It reminded me of the time my brother had binged and skipped work for a stretch of days. He told me that when his boss called, that I should confirm that our father had passed away.

He was alive but terminally ill at the time.

 

[so ready to live]

COPA.

for me there is way more than an iota of compassion for his sadness, loneliness and lack of purpose. it engulfs me. which is how i arrive at self-abandonment.

I have come to realize that my engulfment has never "bettered" him. I still am immersed at times, but not constantly. I know now that is is I who wanted so much more for him and I am better able to look at it as a choice for him. Do I wish for more, sure. My grief has done nothing to accomplish that. Our boy/men are the same age, adopted, long-time strugglers for whatever reasons. I love the man I see when he is sober...kind, funny, polite. I need to focus on that man who as Leafy has said "is out there finding his way", as I am here finding my way with all of you. Copa-be kind to yourself today, Prayers.

 

[New Leaf]

This is all so very hard, Copa. Though I see such a difference here, in both of you.

he said he would rather die than be homeless again

I don’t recall you writing of this before. Or is it me projecting this for my Rain? She seems complacent about her life in the park. Accepts it. It seemed that was the way for J, that he would choose homelessness and pot smoking over following rules. Is this different, or am I mistaken? Perhaps this time, it will be a motivating factor in steps towards recognizing his part in the consequence? Even though for now, he can’t seem to grasp the concept that it is of his own doing?
He would rather die than be homeless again.
Forgive me for the comparison if I am wrong.
I see a little shift in the way J is speaking.

Rain speaks of her homelessness as if it were just another Tuesday. Casually mentioning that in the rain, the tent is too wet, so they all huddle under the pavilion, not too close to the wall because that’s where all of the rats run.
Ugh.

i'm with you about the lying. and for me there is way more than an iota of compassion for his sadness, loneliness and lack of purpose. it engulfs me. which is how i arrive at self-abandonment.

Does the lying come easy with the drug use and addiction? I believe so. I was reading about what meth does to the brain and I am sure the same is for most drug use.
Replaces all feeling of pleasure except for the drug. A form of self abandonment. Drugs become the main focus in life.
One big chemical lie.
I hope that as you walk through this with your son, you don’t abandon yourself.
No matter what.
No good can come of that.
For you or your son.

the inability or block to feel empathy, compassion, regret for the effects of their behavior, their presence, on others gives me whiplash. is it guilt? is it a defense mechanism?

I think it is a defense mechanism. I remember Darkwing writing about cycling, using drugs (and loved ones), waking up sober with all of the memories of the horrible things done flooding in. The only way to block out the guilt? More drug use.
Stuck, they are stuck.
I have had to block my feelings. Survival. I have to guard my heart. If I felt with all of my heart for my twos situation I don’t think I would be able to function.
I have to remind myself that I have no control over their choices.
Zero.
I think the sychronistic emotions and becoming stuck myself was a part of the grief of it all.

How could I feel peace and joy when my two are out there struggling?
It becomes a sort of sacrifice.
A bargaining.
A heavy price that bares no weight in the long run.
It is constant work.
A struggle to not abandon self.
As much work as an addict must have to go through to recover.
Daily for me.
I got a call from a doctors office the other day. Tornado. She had been to the E.R. and gave my number as contact. Her number didn’t work so they called me, looking for her. Of course, they cannot tell me what happened, they were calling for a follow up appointment.
Gulp.
Yah, so the mind starts to run with that.
I haven’t heard from her for a month or so.
It is gut churning.
But the thing is, if I let this get to me, it would eat me up from the insides.
I go straight to prayer.
Please God, watch over her.
I am not pushing religion, just saying what works for me.
It keeps me from going back to the swirly whirly.
There, I am lost.
Self abandonment.
So in a turmoil, can’t think straight, going through the motion, can’t concentrate, just frazzled.
I can’t, no I won’t go back to that.
It is too hard. A sort of death by despair.

i am learning slowly the concept that i can only locate hope in myself. for myself. because once i locate it as about his life i start building castles in the sand. this is both inappropriate and wrong and i am the one who inevitably is crashed by waves.

Beautiful and tragic imagery, Copa. You write so well.
I still hope for my two, but I don’t base my happiness on what they do.
I can’t.
If I did, I might have to put my life on a holding pattern for a very long time.
I don’t want to add that to my list of regrets.
Life is too short.
Shifting focus is not easy, but you are doing well, Copa, you are seeing where your raw points are and working at building yourself up.
Me too.
Each of us here, have a tough, tough job.

Drug napped and in an altered state with no self awareness or mindfulness for anyone else but their drug addled Egos.

LBL that is exactly what is. I am encouraged by your sons journey and hope that he forges ahead. Prayers for a bed to open up.
I hope you are able to find some time for you.

The addiction is another actor preventing them from making better choices, so any boundary we set feels like punishment.

I think you nailed it Sam. That’s why I stopped mentioning rehab. For my two, that just opened up a whole can of ugly.
When they are ready.
Some day soon, I pray.

I guess that’s why for me, the fact that there is an uttering from Copas son that he has a dependency is a glimmer of hope.
Even if he is saying what she wants to hear. Even if he doesn’t really believe it. He said it. Words have power. That has to echo in his head now.
Good.
I hope he does something about it.
My two are deep in denial.
Still.

It feels like each day using gives them more reason to defer the day of reckoning.

The effect on the brain. They can break free if they truly want to, but the longer the use, the harder it is.

He told me that when his boss called, that I should confirm that our father had passed away.

He was alive but terminally ill at the time.

Ugh. No boundaries. Shut off the Jiminy Cricket voice. This is why I have limited contact. Sometimes it is put upon by my two.
Sometimes it is my choice.
I do so appreciate all of your sharing your stories.
I hope all of our kids find their way through this dark tunnel.
Copa, I hope your son continues to work at this.
Keep doing for you.
You matter.
I am thinking how difficult this all is.
How would I react if my two came to me and spoke of dependency and rehab?
Another twist on the trail, a whole new reason to fortify oneself for whatever may be.
Well.
One day at a time.
One breath at a time.
It is what we hope for our beloveds, that they invest in themselves, find their potential.
Keep seeking your meaning. Your purpose.
Through that, you are a beacon of light for your son.
I believe this to be so.
(((Hugs)))
Leafy

 

[Littleboylost]

You’re so right. It’s why I hear the clock ticking. It feels like each day using gives them more reason to defer the day of reckoning.



It reminded me of the time my brother had binged and skipped work for a stretch of days. He told me that when his boss called, that I should confirm that our father had passed away.

He was alive but terminally ill at the time.

The lies they so easily construct. At the expense of others even a terminally ill parent. So very sad indeed.

 

[Copabanana]

my son SAYS he has not had marijuana in 72 hours.

he goes to see the counselor again tomorrow. their arrangement is 2x per week for 3 hour sessions.

he likes her very much. he texted on tuesday while on break that he was happy because it was therapy and addiction. as he put it: saving two birds with one hand.

and when he left he said as a result of speaking with her he felt a sense of peace.

m prevailed upon me to let my son come over tomorrow to wash his clothes, shower and shave. so he could be presentable for his appointment tomorrow.

it is very hard for me to handle all this. like. it was horrible for me that he was living as a homeless person. and even while not quite homeless to still live a largely aimless, non-productive life.

but it is harder in another way to be on the cusp of change. it is hard to not want everything better all at one. i guess my kind of abracadabra.

in another context i learned today a little about patience. or forbearance. which was called in biblical times... a long nose. (??)

i am specifically bad at this.

it is the faith in salvation. in g-d's will. that it will all turn out in the end.

i am spectacularly bad at that. faith.

i will try.

thank you everybody for your support. when i feel all alone and bereft and sad, i come here. and i do not quite feel so alone.

 

[Albatross]

I'm so glad he's going to see the counselor. I think giving him a "clean start" literally, with laundry and a shower, is such a nice way to show support without involvement.

Copa, I so admire the way you see your own "abracadabra" thinking at times like these. It's his journey, to get from counseling what HE needs. It is a long process that will likely not unfold at all like you expect it to.

It is good that you are standing back in faith, that you are taking the long view. It WILL all turn out in the end. For now, focus on you. Many hugs to you today, dear Copa.

 

[Littleboylost]

but it is harder in another way to be on the cusp of change. it is hard to not want everything better all at one. i guess my kind of abracadabra.

This is so very true! I feel the same way. He is progressing and moving forward and that is amazing. I am so happy for you all.

i am specifically bad at this.

I am no so good at this either Copa. I think it’s rhe fixer in us. I just wish I did have some Abrcadabra as well. Fix it and move on to saner and happier times.

One day at a time. Baby steps and progress. We are all here with you.

 

[New Leaf]

I awoke this morning and read your post and all of those feelings came flooding in. The sadness of my twos journeys. The feeling bereft of not having an ounce of control over their choices, that they continue to choose as they do. Thinking how casually Rain mentions the conditions she lives in at the park.
I went for my walk sorting through these feelings and asking God to help lift my two up, and me, too. It is not easy to maintain faith. It is a suffering that our d cs choose as they do, a chasm, a void. A marathon, with the weather and terrain changing, with daily tasks at hand, sometimes the absurdity looming over as a dark cloud, and still we have to somehow carry on.
It is a loneliness.

Then, I started to think on how we become accustomed to focus on that cloud, that we cannot see the little things.

Is that not faith, to be able to see the little miracles around us, despite the difficulties we face.

I started to push away the vision of Rain living in the park and focused on one small, but really wonderful connection.
On that recent family gathering, Rain held Hoku's nine month old, the baby has not spent much time with her Aunty because of her circumstances. Though not really knowing Rain, she stayed calm and content in her lap intensely gazing at her Auntys' face, as Rain tenderly held her.
I saw my daughter, I did.
It has been a long time.
I am holding on to that one special moment in hopes that it is a tiny spark that will light a fire in Rain to understand her value and worth, her potential.

he likes her very much. he texted on tuesday while on break that he was happy because it was therapy and addiction. as he put it: saving two birds with one hand.

This....is wonderful, Copa, that he has a connection.
On my walk, I was thinking also of Helen Keller. For some reason, I have had a recurring memory of that scene at the dinner table, where the family is eating and Helen was circling the table, reaching for food on everyones plates, no one seemed to notice, or mind, but there was Anne Sullivan, shocked and appalled.
I think our d cs become much like Helen Keller at that dinner table, taking whatever they please, without a thought to how wrong it all is. Or maybe, they secretly know, but don't know how to stop, as much as we don't know how to stop them. We become so conditioned to the same old, same old.
They look upon us as a sort of pit stop, a motel where they can help themselves to whatever they want.
Back to the Miracle Worker........
In steps Anne Sullivan, demands that if she is going to teach Helen, she will do it her way.
The family is shocked. Resistant. They feel sorry for their child. Reluctantly, they let Anne stay and teach their child. To the point where she takes Helen to a cabin in the woods and the family is not allowed to interfere.
I have to watch the movie again, it has been quite some time.

and when he left he said as a result of speaking with her he felt a sense of peace.

Could this be your sons Anne Sullivan? I do hope so.
"People seldom see the halting and painful steps by which the most insignificant success is achieved."
Anne Sullivan
If not, it is what it is.
But he is sounding different.
Painful steps. Insignificant success.
The hard part is knowing if it is real or not, only time will tell.
For the present moment, this is all sounding so different then your past posts.
A good thing.
A shift in speaking.

but it is harder in another way to be on the cusp of change. it is hard to not want everything better all at one. i guess my kind of abracadabra.

We are trained in this modern world to expect instant results. When my internet is slow, I find myself a bit annoyed. Imagine that? Remember in the old days, we had to go to the library to research, look through card catalogues. I have an old card catalogue cabinet that I repurposed for art supplies.
I don't think there are many left.
Ahem.
Businesses and schools want measurable outcomes, so on and so on. We have become a society of expectations for things to be a certain way.
Life is just racing by.
It is a constant grind.
It is a no wonder when things don't happen as we wish, we are vexed. Add in the intense love we have for our d cs, and it is a hard task indeed, to find peace, even as our beloveds struggle with their challenges.
Oh the anxiety this creates within us.

It's his journey, to get from counseling what HE needs. It is a long process that will likely not unfold at all like you expect it to.

Oh, I am really having to watch the Miracle Worker again, as I vaguely remember these scenes that are flashing into my thoughts. The cabin. Helen and Anne. The struggle to open up a world for Helen that she didn't know existed.
The anxiety her parents felt.
It was really up to Helens capacity to learn, to grasp the concept, to unlock the potential she had to open up the world, literally at her fingertips. That water pump scene where Anne over and over signed water onto Helens palm as the water flowed.
This is what we hope for our beloveds, that they will come out of their half wild, drug hazed, blind and deaf state, understand the connection and learn to live to their potential.
After dealing with the ups and downs of this for so long, it is understandable how it is harder to be on the cusp of change. Like breath holding. Wanting the best outcome, but being cautious about getting ones hope up, for fear that things may come crashing down.
Sigh.
I am sorry Copa for the pain of it.
It is a hurt like no other.

And it is his journey.

As is my two girls, because they will do what they do.

So, I think we have our own journeys, too. As we synchronistically slid down that rabbit hole when the kids first were in trouble, we are also climbing out of it.
The trick is to climb out
no matter if they do, or not.

Tough work.

“If you are not living this moment, you are not really living”
Eckhart Tolle


I am fascinated by Eckhart Tolles story. He drifted and couch surfed for two years.
Figuring stuff out.

Anyway.

Here, this from my Dads favorite, Epictetus

“Caretake this moment. Immerse yourself in its particulars. Respond to this person, this challenge, this deed. Quit evasions. Stop giving yourself needless trouble. It is time to really live; to fully inhabit the situation you are in now.”

It WILL all turn out in the end. For now, focus on you. Many hugs to you today, dear Copa.

Group Hugs, dear sister. It will turn out in the end.

“If we see someone as he is, then we make him worse, but if we overestimate him, then we promote him to what he could be.”
Viktor Frankl

LBL mentioned on another post that we are starthrowers and you commented that you are just learning about our parts made up of stars.

Since reading that, I have Crosby, Stills, Nash and Young’s chorus from Woodstock looping in my head
“We are stardust, we are golden, we are billion year old carbon, and we’ve got to get ourselves back to the garden.”

“The nitrogen in our DNA, the calcium in our teeth, the iron in our blood, the carbon in our apple pies were made in the interiors of collapsing stars. We are made of starstuff.”
Carl Sagan, Cosmos



Each and every one of us has that spark and potential.
We just have to discover it.

Keep working on your spark, as your son navigates his way towards his.

You are stardust my dear and you matter.
Your joy and peace matter.

(((Hugs)))
Leafy
Ps: I am encouraged by your sons progress, it is a good thing, a very good thing.