the ball is in his court??

[Littleboylost]

Thank you for asking.

She is strong again — with another chink and a little more rust on her armor — an 88 year old veteran of many battles with, for and alongside her own family. And maybe because of that she exudes a deep sense of peace.

I’m sorry you lost your parents that way. My father with whom I was very close fought a terminal illness for many years. I don’t think there’s any good way, but together like that must have been so hard.

A colleague shared with me that her 94 year old mother in law, who for many years left home only for doctors visits, showed up with her nurse at her granddaughters wedding and reception, to everyone’s great surprise. She danced
the night away in her wheelchair with four generations of her family. Went home that night and died in her sleep

That’s a good way.

I am in tears. So Lovely!

 

[Littleboylost]

Hey Copa;

How are you doing today? In the spirit of lyrics.
“should I Stay or Should I go now” came on the radio in my car today and I thought of you and your son.

 

[Copabanana]

well. this may either be hopeful or the greatest manpulation ever. or both.

he is being loving. compliant. respectful. hopeful. he texted: three days of hopefulness. or some hope word.

i at costco and home depot (are they in canada?) happy. actually. i ususally feel good there. i am friendly and they know me.

but today. radiant. and extremely anxious. so so worried. because i love him so much. and i have no control. and i feel so, so vulnerable. hope is scary. i am beginning to have hope.

hope that we can be close again. which is actually happening. and hope that his life will unfold with hope.

i mean. he is trying. but it is for sure that the trying is geared towards me. to encourage me to be hopeful. because in 7 days there will be a drug test.

m is saying now that we should not expect him to test clean. and that we need to keep the pressure on.

i do not know what to think. except that i hope that every day can be a new day. a new chance.

how are you? what's going on with son?

sonething shifted after i showed him my neck. as in vulnerability. i. e. the begging episode. it allowed him to stop opposing me. and to listen. and be in relationship..

or was it me that changed? who opened and permitted this.

he is going to n.a. tomorrow at 8pm.

he has his second phone interview with the great tx place tommorow.

 

[Kalahou]

three days of hopefulness. or some hope word

hope: feeling of expectation and desire for a certain thing to happen. (definition on internet)

I don''t want to put a damper on an uplifting moment, but I am becoming more aware of clearly defining and understanding my terms. Hope (or this definition of hope above) is a dangerous thing for me. Hope (expectation / desire) is not reality and hope is not a plan. (Sorry if we are just talking semantics here perhaps? I confess the word easily rolls off my tongue at times without thought.) There is an acronmym for HOPE I came across (Hang On / Pray Earnestly) that actually made more sense / more acceptable to me if I applied it correctly.

Being hopeful (with emotion and with expectation and desire) is too fragile and risky, with too much potential for disappointment.

Instead of hope, I try to practice being "thankful" for the "now" and for all that "is what it is" - thankful in all things (not just the good) ~ having a gladness in my heart (even when tears are flowing) and knowing that all things work together for their purpose.

I don’t understand all this stuff that happens with our difficult children. I used to want answers and thought answers would help ... I have come to think that answers are not what we need. From a lot of what I learned on this forum, I have come to see that if I just surrender (with thanks) to what is, then the questions evaporate. I can then get my own "heart" right with thankfulness. Only then am I able to take action on what's needful for boundaries and appropriate support for my son in a realistic and practical way, leaving emotion and turmoil and despair out of it. He has seen the change in me, and I think he understands and accepts where I am coming from.

We are all in this together. I am thankful for these forums and that we have each other on this site. It is better than any therapy I could have sought in my trials.

 

[Sam3]

hope: feeling of expectation and desire for a certain thing to happen. (definition on internet)

I don''t want to put a damper on an uplifting moment, but I am becoming more aware of clearly defining and understanding my terms. Hope (or this definition of hope above) is a dangerous thing for me. Hope (expectation / desire) is not reality and hope is not a plan. (Sorry if we are just talking semantics here perhaps? I confess the word easily rolls off my tongue at times without thought.) There is an acronmym for HOPE I came across (Hang On / Pray Earnestly) that actually made more sense / more acceptable to me if I applied it correctly.

Being hopeful (with emotion and with expectation and desire) is too fragile and risky, with too much potential for disappointment.

Instead of hope, I try to practice being "thankful" for the "now" and for all that "is what it is" - thankful in all things (not just the good) ~ having a gladness in my heart (even when tears are flowing) and knowing that all things work together for their purpose.

I don’t understand all this stuff that happens with our difficult children. I used to want answers and thought answers would help ... I have come to think that answers are not what we need. From a lot of what I learned on this forum, I have come to see that if I just surrender (with thanks) to what is, then the questions evaporate. I can then get my own "heart" right with thankfulness. Only then am I able to take action on what's needful for boundaries and appropriate support for my son in a realistic and practical way, leaving emotion and turmoil and despair out of it. He has seen the change in me, and I think he understands and accepts where I am coming from.

We are all in this together. I am thankful for these forums and that we have each other on this site. It is better than any therapy I could have sought in my trials.

Sad but true wisdom. I think many of us are scared to spend the word “hope.”

We discussed this in a parent group once. The therapist who facilitated it noted that, as much as “hope” seems like a positive thing, behind hope there is almost always doubt. Both are future-oriented (or future tripping) concepts — keeping us from appreciating what we can of now, without hope.

Your point exactly, Kalahou.

Somehow this experience changes even the usual connotation of words.

 

[Littleboylost]

because i love him so much. and i have no control. and i feel so, so vulnerable. hope is scary. i am beginning to have hope.

Hope, yes with no expectations. I believe in hope and keeping the expectations in check. I fear if I lose hope so will my son.

To be hopeless is have an expectation or acceptance of failure. As Victor Frankle taught is. Man will always under achieve the expectations set for him. So I try desperately to keep a focus on the hope of change Corp my son and ensure that he knows this every day.

This is the challenge of detaching with love and leading by example.

When things shift and we are taken away from the norm, out of our comfort zone and our expectations of the pattern of what is, even if it is a negative pattern creates anxiety, uncertainty and fear. These are all normal responses to change.

he is going to n.a. tomorrow at 8pm.

This is a great step and I am pleased to know he is Courageous enough to do this. I remember my first Naranon meeting, I drove there and drove right on by. I went the following week and managed to actually go. This is not an easy step.

he has his second phone interview with the great tx place tommorow.

That is so wonderful. I am sending all the positive energy to the universe to make a connection happen, that light to click. It is another courageous step.

7 days from now if there is a positive drug test, try to use it to encourage him to seek help. They feel enough shame and guilt all on their own. This is a process I STRUGGLE with. I get hurt, angry, disappointed and so upset. I often lash out and then regret it so much. I am learning to put compassion and firm boundaries at the front of the bus. Making reactive anger ride in the back seats.

HOPE I came across (Hang On / Pray Earnestly) that actually made more sense / more acceptable to me if I applied it correctly.

I love this, it makes a lot of sense.

I used to want answers and thought answers would help ... I have come to think that answers are not what we need. From a lot of what I learned on this forum, I have come to see that if I just surrender (with thanks) to what is, then the questions evaporate.

I am on a teeter totter with the understanding that questions are not what we need, I back slide a lot into questioning mode. Accepting it is what it is is a much calmer place for my brain to live. I am learning day by day. Step by step.

We are all in this together. I am thankful for these forums and that we have each other on this site. It is better than any therapy I could have sought in my trials.

Kalahou. I could not agree with this more. Years of therapy and a snails pace of improvement. The forum is a support and guide like no other. I have grown exponentially on the benefit of other people’s wisdom here.

Copa my head is in a muddle with respect to my son. I have to digest it all before I can begin to articulate my present state regarding my dear son.

I am pleased for you if not just for today.

We have both Costco and Home Depot here. I love both as well. I like the once’s in California better, they carry wine.

Oh for those of you who do not know Canadian liquor laws we have government rein liquor stores and beer stores. Just recently we have had wine and beer shops open at the grocery store. I still feel like I am in the twilight zone when I see wine in our grocery store.

I am a big cross boarder shopper. Living close to the US boarder (40min). Always cheaper even with our weak currency and a lot more variety too.

I was stunned to see Costco and Home Depot in Cabo San Lucas. I I had not been there in 30 years. Things sure have changed.

I am slowing learning how to live in the now. Be compassionate and not reactive.

Living in the Now When It’s Stressful: 4 Mindfulness Tips

Great tips in this link.

Stay calm, stay strong and stay in the Now.

 

[Sam3]

I don’t understand all this stuff that happens with our difficult children. I used to want answers and thought answers would help ... I have come to think that answers are not what we need. From a lot of what I learned on this forum, I have come to see that if I just surrender (with thanks) to what is, then the questions evaporate. I can then get my own "heart" right with thankfulness. Only then am I able to take action on what's needful for boundaries and appropriate support for my son in a realistic and practical way, leaving emotion and turmoil and despair out of it. He has seen the change in me, and I think he understands and accepts where I am coming from.

When you posted this, I had just messaged to Copa that I had come here seeking answers about how best to help my son but,

What I’m realizing is that all this time I’ve been asking the wrong question. I have tried to learn and grow so I can change my approach to provide what might be palatable solutions.

My son doesnt adopt them, except sometimes to placate or to get something, because for him, there is no question pending.

It’s my question.

So I think my earlier comment is still accurate, that he’s not some unsolvable puzzle. To him, he’s not a puzzle, to be solved, at all.

What is my question now? I don’t know but I do know that I want the solution to be peace.

I think you answered that. Start with the solution. Surrender peacefully to what is and the questions evaporate.

That feels right.

 

[Copabanana]

maybe two years ago on this site i expressed my suspicion of hope. the trap for me it was. for the reasons k so artculately expresses.

i so do want to learn to practice gratititude and acknowledgements for blessings.

and this hoping is still terrifying for me. i am hugely anxious and vulnerable right now.

and i think it is because i am locating hope not just in what my son does or not...but in a misunderstanding of my own role, my potential for control, in generating safety over life's contingencies.

here is a summary statement to what follows, that i thought of after, to spare you the convolutions.

that is: i can locate my hope in me. it can be an attitude. a practice. a prayer. a faith. a commitment.

i am only in sam's phrasing, seeing a glimmer of this possibility. i guess i could say it is the practice of peace. and that i think my son has been trying to tell me. (let's leave aside here how provocative his choices can be. but here i am quoting you guys again. for him it may just be thursday.) the intentionality may not be there. to hurt me.

i heard on the radio today that battering men (maybe most men) locate the cause of their aggression in their partners...or their victims...whether individual women or other nations or peoples. oh. i hit her because she knew i don't like fish. oh. i cut off all shipments of food and supplies because they knew....x, y, and z.

maybe i do the same thing. which is an abuse of power. which my son has been trying to tell me.

oh. back to the point.

i have no real control of anthing except to how i define my life. but that can be a lot.

hope can be defined as a commitment to the future. to that which is not yet and may never be. hope can be intention. intention that can never be fully realized in a single life.

hope can spring from the memory of a community and family and a vision of a future that could be manifested, without any certainty At all. all there ever is, i think, is could be. which is what you are saying, k. there is a famous theologian or philosopher ( bloch, i think) that calls this something like "the not yet." he says this is the most powerful realm of all.

i read that hope may be a belief in human freedom, the possibility that we may be what we choose to be. no other creature has this.

all of this is the subjunctive tense which barely exists in english. could be. could have been. should have. might be. would have been and still could be.

the basis of which is choice. and commitment. intention. getting out of the personal.

beyond escapism.denial. the need for control. for certainty or knowing.

and to the courage to imagine the world. my world as it could be. having purpose. the courage to intend, create good--without the grounds or evidence that it will or even could happen. but should. might.

i want my own life to be part of bringing this forth. with my son. especially with him.

hope can entail waiting. the acceptance that life and its unfolding is by definition uncertain and contingent. we know not how long we live and how we suffer as we fulfill our destiny. and that is life. there is no other.

typing this makes me hyperventilate. (even afer half a xanex.)

hope can mean standing firm. in the face of uncertain life.

hope in its archaic sense can mean faitfulness, they say (dictionary) in the sense of a mother's labor. the struggle and waiting through labor--the faithfulness that a baby, a life will emerge.

to me i see direct application to my life with my son right now.

none of this he carries or controls. i do. not over event or circumstances. but hope. the commitment to it.

my struggle and faithfulness to work for a value, an intention, without control. (quaking with fear here.)

standing firm in the face of uncertainty.

the courage to trust. not so much in myself or anybody else. but that there is, can be a place of refuge and security. outside of time and space.

the commitment to my child's humanity. and that of other mother's children. And my dedication to do what i can irregardless of any visible and tangible result. the dedication to see this through. just because.

portugal has the music called fado. discovering it helped me to understand and accept a little bit. when i have internet again i will send you some.

 

[Littleboylost]

the commitment to my child's humanity. and that of other mother's children. And my dedication to do what i can irregardless of any visible and tangible result. the dedication to see this through. just because.

Doing what we do because it is what it is. So very true. Deep breaths and a focus on yourself. We lead by example and need to stay grounded and sustained. I often forget about me when I am dealing with us and son. Learning to get better at this.

 

[New Leaf]

your girls were in a bevy of kids. there was not the same opportunity to have solitary conversatiion. in some ways that is a good thing.

A bevy of kids, yes, very accurate. Some not even my own, friends, nieces, nephews. I have oft thought of those on this site with an only child way-finding. I don't like to write lost anymore. I didn't put it in the same context as you have here, more that how difficult it must be for a parent. To have such a relationship, that closeness. Then navigate these waters. I have comfort with my three, but there is of course still that feeling that something is missing. A hole. Okay sometimes a chasm.

father as i recall was indulgent. you it seems had to take responsibility for boundaries.

Hubs struggled, Rain was his favorite. He was caught up, as was I, with our grands. For him, coming out of a difficult life growing up with an abusive, addicted father, all he wanted was a better life for his children, grandchildren. Rain triangulated, and he clung to her. It was hard. I had to set boundaries for myself and my son. It all has not been fair to him. Or, any of us. Nonetheless a lesson? Are we all learning lessons here?

they will seek you out. i believe the yearning for you will wake up in them.. it is there but they are not listening. it is easier to push it away. for now. than to feel.

I suppose this is true, Copa. For me, as well as them, that it is easier to push it away. I have had to build a wall to ward off the pain of it. It eeks out in my daily life, the pain, headaches, stomach aches, anxiousness that translates into misplacing things, keys, forgetfulness. That is my challenge. I can wrap my head around it (some days not), but I can feel my body reacting to the angst. That is my challenge. To become more present.

your girls are young. you are too. in your posts i hear a mellowing. of your girls. you are opening. slowly. surely. with strength. from strength.

there is time.

You know Copa, I wrote yesterday of our thoughts and whatnot having power. I have been praying a lot for my two on my walks, working out my feelings, trying to find peace in faith that things will happen in time.
WHAM!
Comes a call from Tornado, out of the blue. The radar Pasa wrote of. I don't think Tornado has a clue of how her choices have affected everyone. She is stuck at 16, I think, as is Rain.
"I'm coming into town."
My mind races, I am glad to hear her voice, at least she is alive, and then there is a certain..........dread. We were not going to be home. So, son meticulously closes and locks the windows. I suppose I have been doing this inwardly, locking up those places in my heart that would lead me into the swirley whirley.

"Lest I become cold."

It is a fine line between protecting self, and becoming hardened, calloused. I have mellowed in the sense that I will not allow myself to become entrenched and so wrapped up in the drama. I have yet to find a place where I can fully open my heart. Maybe in the same way you write of your mother, I of hubs.

“Hey, you’ve got to hide your love away.......”

I suppose there are many degrees of love and loving.
Protecting the heart.
WHAM!
Hoku calls last night "Rain is sick, high fever, she asked me to bring her tylenol........." I was out and agreed to meet her at the park.
It has been a month or so since I have seen Rain. She is sitting on the park bathroom lanai area, on the bench. Shivering, folded up, holding her head. Just like the picture I have of Persophone

I say to her that perhaps she needs to go to the hospital to which she refuses and says "I don't just want to be dumped some place."
"I will stay with you"
At first, it seemed she might go, then pulled back again.
I offer to bring her to the house, for a hot shower, and rest.......
she refuses.
She takes the Tylenol and I feel her head, cold and clammy, kiss her and tell her I love her.
I leave, my heart is pounding and I can feel myself falling, falling.........then I breathe. I visualize myself floating on my back, on a calm sea, rather than that old post where I was deep under the blue ocean, drowning.
Jedi mind tricks.
It takes a huge concerted effort to calm myself.
This is me, working things through in my head.........“Leafy stop going to the extreme...... she is sick, it does not mean she is dying.
Breathe and think things through.
1. She called for help. So there is still a connection.
2. She is alive, not well,(in more ways than one) but alive.
3. We went to her and offered help.
4. Choices, it was her choice to stay in the park.
5. There is always prayer.
A big dose of “It is what it is” just slapped me upside my head.
It is not easy.
If I go down with each and every issue, I am not helping anybody.
It’s been a long time Copa. 25 years. Had issues from 13, which regressed to having to make her leave the house at 18. Ups and downs, not as entirely traumatic as the past 10 years.
Ouch.
After this latest encounter, I feel strong enough (I think) to have a go at checking on her from time to time.
For me as much as her.
Baby steps.
Sigh.
Those painful experiences have built up quite the Star Trekkian deflector shield around my heart.
Then I am reminded of this
“As soon as you honor the present moment, all unhappiness and struggle dissolve, and life begins to flow with joy and ease. When you act out the present-moment awareness, whatever you do becomes imbued with a sense of quality, care and love-even the most simple action.”
Eckhart Tolle
So, maybe the past with my daughters has taught me enough that I can “tiptoe through the tulips” once again and try, without feeling like I am going off to the sacrificial alter? We shall see.

by doing what we do--prayer, walks, growing wisdom, self-care, self-contained living, we become irresistable.

Maybe irresistible? Only time will tell. I am still guarded because of the history of this. They are dangerous for me, to borrow a line from you.
I would be relieved to know that they were doing better, living better, even if we didn’t have a relationship, you know? Could I bargain for that? “You can still blame me for everything, just please, do better........”
Then there is still the hole, um, chasm.

I can then get my own "heart" right with thankfulness. Only then am I able to take action on what's needful for boundaries and appropriate support for my son in a realistic and practical way, leaving emotion and turmoil and despair out of it.

Oh Kalahou, how I needed to read this, last night. Spot on sister.
Leaving emotion and turmoil and despair out. Being realistic and practical.
I think I need to create a banner of those thoughts, and a tattoo.
Thank you Copa for addressing my issues with my two in the midst of your conversation with your son. From what you have written, things are beginning to look up for him.
Yay. Truly, Yay! I am so happy for all of you.
By the way, I went to Costco last night, too.
Thanks for listening gang.
I probably should have made my own thread........sorry for hijacking yours Copa!

(Hugs)
Leafy

 

[Copabanana]

i do not know if things are looking up for him, for my son.

or if they got so down that he had to look up.

or if it is i who am changing and can be a bit more present to him. not because i hope he changes ((where i lose myself and have no control) but where i can come from a place of hope, of prayer--because that is who i believe i am and will be.

just like you describe yourself and your journey.

new leaf. this thread is ours. it has evolved into a meditation on the source of peace and how to hold hope. which is what you are practicing and modeling.

about bargaining. the question of whether you could, would forfeit relationship with your two, if they could do better.

m brought that up yesterday. he said: tell j. that if he were to do good for himself. work. be productive. aspire. love. in a sustained way, over time, i would withdraw from you. i would cede to him. if it would give him peace and restore his sense of well being. (something like that. i am translating. )

i said: that's crazy. i'm not going to bargain using you as a chip.

i think we're still negotiating with g-d. like the old testament/torah. hoping if we sacrifice we can obtain favor and well-being.

religion evolved...and so did we. to prayer. to gratitude. to commitment to family and community.

we are each of us is doing this. modeling to each other like facets of a jewel, the light which we have within us and that which guides us. for each, slightly different but the same.

 

[Sam3]

What beautiful posts.

 

[Littleboylost]

Savouring the wisdom. I have exausted myself with some reading and meditation practice today.

Facing the emotions is sooo exhausting. Ian happy to have these posts and wisdom to absorb.

It’s cold I am home my son is home he is calm and present and clear headed. Comfort food and comfort for today. Not getting ahead of myself. Just for today.

 

[New Leaf]

Persophone, oops it’s Persephone.......who’s mother I might add went down to hell to rescue her............ahem.

 

[New Leaf]

we are each of us is doing this. modeling to each other like facets of a jewel, the light which we have within us and that which guides us. for each, slightly different but the same.

This is beautiful Copa, thank you.

Leafy

 

[Copabanana]

my son called today a couple times. he said he felt tranquil and was reading the novel the count of monte cristo.

m and his brother law were washing our cars. i made chicken soup and told m to ask his brother in law to stay to eat.

you see. i wanted my son here too. i longed for it.

i had told my son: try to talk to m. (j did not call m before he came back here. which m felt as a rebuke.)

m does for j, advocates for him and j marginalizes m. i am caught in the middle.

m is constantly telling me what j leaves dirty.

and it is true. but i feel like he is constantly criticizing me. i can't take it.

well. my son called m several times who did not answer. i asked m about it and he said he did not recognize the (new) number.

and ensued a fight.

i ask that you please let j talk to you. as it is it is just conflict. i want son to be able to come over at some point without an atnosphere of hostlity. i understand he makes poor choices that irritate you. i am asking that there be something other than rancor.

well tell him to come over if you want to.

i am not asking that, for today.. i am asking only that you allow him to speak to you.

well he said. you said you were not going to talk to him until tuesday. the day of the drug test. you never stick with what you say.

m. he is my son. i am anxious. i love him. i believe he loves me. of course you could be right this is a manipulation. but i do not believe it is.

well. tell him to come over and see if he loves you.

m left the house.

the triangulation is impossible to bear. i cannot/do not want to stand hard against my son. i crave his companionship. i am so anxious about myself. i no longer want to defend myself. m feels if he does not stay hard my son will eat us both alive.

this was true. i don't think so now. but i do know there has been a willfulness about my son's inconsideration. like passive aggression.

i can understand m's point of view. that joseph has to earn closeness with us. earn our confidence. earn a place back here. i get it rationally.

i just do not feel this.

and i do not want a relationship where i am constantly having to defend myself for stuff i did not do. and over which i have no control. except by distancing my son. which i am sick and tired of doing.

but i know i am not strong enough to do this alone. m has shouldered the bulk of responsibility. with my son. with many things.

i probably should not have said anything to m (or j) and let them work this out on their own.

m has been nothing but good to j.
i should have left it as it was.

 

[Littleboylost]

my son called today a couple times. he said he felt tranquil and was reading the novel the count of monte cristo.

m and his brother law were washing our cars. i made chicken soup and told m to ask his brother in law to stay to eat.

you see. i wanted my son here too. i longed for it.

i had told my son: try to talk to m. (j did not call m before he came back here. which m felt as a rebuke.

m does for j, advocates for him and j marginalizes m. i am caught in the middle.

m is constantly telling me what j leaves dirty.

and it is true. but i feel like he is constantly criticizing me. i can't take it.

well. my son called m several times who did not answer. i asked m about it and he said he did not recognize the (new) number.

and ensued a fight.

i ask that you please let j talk to you. as it is it is just conflict. i want son to be able to come over at some point without an atnosphere of hostlity. i understand he makes poor choices that irritate you. i am asking that there be something other than rancor.

well tell him to come over if you want to.

i am not asking that, for today.. i am asking only that you allow him to speak to you.

well he said. you said you were not going to talk to him until tuesday. the day ofbthe drug test. you never stick with what you say.

m. he is my son. i am anxious. i love him. i believe he loves me. of course you could be right this is a manipulation. but i do not believe it is.

well. tell him to come over and see if he loves you.

m left the house.

the triangulation is impossible to bear. i cannot/do not want to stand hard against my son. i crave his companionship. i am so anxious about myself. i no longer want to defend myself. m feels if he does not stay hard my son will eat us both alive.

this was true. i don't think so now. but i do know there has been a willfulness about my son's inconsideration. like passive aggression.

i can understand m's point of view. that joseph has to earn closeness with us. earn our confidence. earn a place back here. i get it rationally.

i just do not feel this.

and i do not want a relationship where i am constantly having to defend myself for stuff i did not do. and over which i have no control. except by distancing my son. which i am sick and tired of doing.

but i know i am not strong enough to do this alone. m has shouldered the bulk of responsibility. with my son. with many things.

i probably should not have said anything to m (or j) and let them work this out on their own.

m has been nothing but good to j
i should have left it as it was.

Tomorrow is another day Copa. Call a truce with m and tell him how you feel. Remember what other people think about you in mine do your business. That includes M and J.

I think that you are right to step back and let the two of them work out their relationship for now.

Do focus on the fact that J is seeking to go to rehab and take positive steps forward.

Take good care of yourself.

 

[Copabanana]

lbl. i agree with every word you wrote. i called m who went to visit his father. m was tranquil--he had calmed down. he said there was mothing to worry about. i will step back and let them handle it.

it is so very hard to stay in the moment with this. because each moment is so so hard.

thank you lbl.

 

[New Leaf]

i will step back and let them handle it.

Its a man thing Copa, they do and think so differently. I would imagine that M is concerned for you. He has to navigate through this in his own way, too.

it is so very hard to stay in the moment with this. because each moment is so so hard.

Every moment in the thick of it is hard. You are so much stronger now. You will be okay.
(((Hugs)))
Leafy

 

[Copabanana]

it is such a blessing to know i can come here.