Littleboylost
Long road but the path ahead holds hope.
Typo Obligation
the ball is in his court??
- Thread starter Copabanana
- Start date
so ready to live
Well-Known Member
Oh COPA, be kind to you.
If I'm honest, when we are on no contact, part of me hopes in that paying part of his rent, he will still realize we care. It's all I can bear.
I love this idea in theory and some months my son makes effort, other times it's as Albie said, I help with rent and then see he blows the $ that he has on foolishness or worse. I do resent that but for me, my help is for me. My dollars when they go, go directly to his landlord. In reality I know that having no address makes it nearly impossible where he lives to make progress. Small town, no shelter, no bus, limited services,etc. SO...currently he is blocked on our phones, my hubs texts him about every other wk with "hope you're doing ok" and we go on. I know he gets that our not taking calls is his punishment for bringing his drama here, but he seems/is incapable of understanding we can't take it anymore. He responds to our verbalizing that with telling us how it stinks for him, he has no empathy for us at all. He just cannot or will not see that his actions affect others.
If I'm honest, when we are on no contact, part of me hopes in that paying part of his rent, he will still realize we care. It's all I can bear.
I totally get it, ready to live.
We've been in that "all I can bear" place often. We can only do what we can do. I recall asking a doctor once "What comes after burn out?" Because I was truly afraid for my well being.
It's so complicated, individual and draining.
I have a friend where this PT job thing is working with her D.C.
She bought a Condo in a fairly nice area, he has. PT job nearby etc.
She seems to check on him often which I'm conflicted about.
But he is doing well and came from a crummy place.
I don't know
My husband reminds me that our daughter working temporary jobs is very likely the best she can do.
It's a shame. Sort of shocking for me.
I hope in time she can "graduate" to PT work because then at least the income would be more steady.
BUT being grateful is key..I .must remember this!!
I've seen improvement with her and although tiny, I'm VERY grateful.
We've been in that "all I can bear" place often. We can only do what we can do. I recall asking a doctor once "What comes after burn out?" Because I was truly afraid for my well being.
It's so complicated, individual and draining.
I have a friend where this PT job thing is working with her D.C.
She bought a Condo in a fairly nice area, he has. PT job nearby etc.
She seems to check on him often which I'm conflicted about.
But he is doing well and came from a crummy place.
I don't know
My husband reminds me that our daughter working temporary jobs is very likely the best she can do.
It's a shame. Sort of shocking for me.
I hope in time she can "graduate" to PT work because then at least the income would be more steady.
BUT being grateful is key..I .must remember this!!
I've seen improvement with her and although tiny, I'm VERY grateful.
Albatross
Well-Known Member
Copa, just checking back in and saw this thread. You are IN IT right now, again.
I have to say, IF J has found a group of people who accept him and encourage him to branch out, like H suggests, that might be a turning point for your son. J tends to either be a loner or rely too much on you and M.
I'm not criticizing -- my son has spent his adult life either running with people on drugs or relying unnaturally on us.
So this might be a really great thing for J.
I would lean toward giving J this chance with H and H's community, with the understanding to yourself that even though it is called a loan, it is really a show of faith.
I have to say, IF J has found a group of people who accept him and encourage him to branch out, like H suggests, that might be a turning point for your son. J tends to either be a loner or rely too much on you and M.
I'm not criticizing -- my son has spent his adult life either running with people on drugs or relying unnaturally on us.
So this might be a really great thing for J.
I would lean toward giving J this chance with H and H's community, with the understanding to yourself that even though it is called a loan, it is really a show of faith.
so ready to live
Well-Known Member
To COPA and Albie and all...
I'm always beyond amazement at the similarities of our kids. I'm also so thankful to have others understand our pain. What would I do without you all?
Copabanana
Well-Known Member
we did it! i sent the money at 10. he called as i was waited on.
mom. i need the money!
just got text they paid. j will stay there tonight.
h said j is stressed. and feels the pressure of the commitment. good. but he sure sounded happy when i talked to him to give him the verification code. i was at brasilian jiu jitsu and my professor talked to him (knows j) and said:he sure sounds happy.
mom. i need the money!
just got text they paid. j will stay there tonight.
h said j is stressed. and feels the pressure of the commitment. good. but he sure sounded happy when i talked to him to give him the verification code. i was at brasilian jiu jitsu and my professor talked to him (knows j) and said:he sure sounds happy.
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Littleboylost
Long road but the path ahead holds hope.
Copa it is a heart ache and a challenge. Be good to yourself an do what your heart can endure. Such a long painful road for all of us.
Copabanana
Well-Known Member
lbl. i have felt very sad all day. really, for the past month or so.
i realize the problem. i do not know how to be in myself. for myself. when i am forced by pain to feel--what i feel--i feel despondent and bereft.
that is one reason this is so hard. i do not know how to console myself. i have been alienated from me. i locate myself in others. at least i know. but that is but a start.
i realize the problem. i do not know how to be in myself. for myself. when i am forced by pain to feel--what i feel--i feel despondent and bereft.
that is one reason this is so hard. i do not know how to console myself. i have been alienated from me. i locate myself in others. at least i know. but that is but a start.
Littleboylost
Long road but the path ahead holds hope.
Yesterday is gone today is ours and tommoeiwbis yet to come. Be kind and patient with yourself. I and many others know exactly how you feel.
Copabanana
Well-Known Member
this is what i wrote a few days ago.
we did it. at least step one. now he has to work and pay.
he believes he can spend $20 a day and count on work to come NO!!! . j. you have to make that $200 last all month!
i'm still afraid.
thank you everybody. for your support. i know i could not have done it without you.
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so ready to live
Well-Known Member
my mantra also...I'm still afraid too Copa, everyday. You can only "see where it goes". We attended alanon some time ago and even though it was not as helpful as I had hoped, I retained the the kernel that no matter what you do or say, it's always ok to change your mind. I'm not sure I believed this in the past. Now I do, and that gives me peace that no decision is in stone. That's too hard to live with, isn't it? How many times have our dcs gone back on what they said or not fulfilled their promises? But that's not me, I'm not wired that way. I do what I say I will. But now I also know with all my heart that it's within my best interests and right to do something different tomorrow. There's freedom in that. Prayers.
Copabanana
Well-Known Member
so very sad today. i managed to:
walk an hour.
do neck exercises.
call a synagogue for a bar/bat mitzvah program.
make dinner.
that's it.
i do not know why i am so sad. if it is a letdown after all this intense back and forth, worry about son, missing him, or grief about my own life and losses. or what.
i should be working. but i do not feel strong or sure enough to be working. it would be working for myself so everything would have to be set up.
the baby steps are not enough if i keep falling back so far.
walk an hour.
do neck exercises.
call a synagogue for a bar/bat mitzvah program.
make dinner.
that's it.
i do not know why i am so sad. if it is a letdown after all this intense back and forth, worry about son, missing him, or grief about my own life and losses. or what.
i should be working. but i do not feel strong or sure enough to be working. it would be working for myself so everything would have to be set up.
the baby steps are not enough if i keep falling back so far.
Littleboylost
Long road but the path ahead holds hope.
I agree with Passa! Greivng in perpetuity for all that we have lost is mentally and physically exhausting.
Be gentle with yourself.
I had days where walking the dogs and having a shower were my brace accomplishment.
Be gentle with yourself.
I had days where walking the dogs and having a shower were my brace accomplishment.
Albatross
Well-Known Member
Maybe it is a good kind of grief, Copa, like the way we felt when our little boys went to kindergarten. Maybe you are grieving the loss of this stage of his life, while now he is moving into a new stage of independence.
Copabanana
Well-Known Member
...and miguel hated the dinner.
i have abandoned myself or never had myself and only just now become aware.
how i long for past times of numbness or unawareness.
thank you for your support. all.
i have abandoned myself or never had myself and only just now become aware.
how i long for past times of numbness or unawareness.
thank you for your support. all.
Littleboylost
Long road but the path ahead holds hope.
Let Miguel cook dinner next time.
Copabanana
Well-Known Member
son called.
happy birthday i told him.
no it's not he said. my ssi check went to the wrong address. i'm going to have to bail.
i lost it.
happy birthday i told him.
no it's not he said. my ssi check went to the wrong address. i'm going to have to bail.
i lost it.
Copabanana
Well-Known Member
thank you pasa.
he called.
i'm sorry mom. i'm stable. the rent is paid. but they charged me $70.
j. i have to find a way to protect myself. and you need to protect me. i cannot do this anymore.
(and me. i was ready for shock therapy. literally. i was researching long term psychiatric hospitals and last ditch treatments.)
he called.
i'm sorry mom. i'm stable. the rent is paid. but they charged me $70.
j. i have to find a way to protect myself. and you need to protect me. i cannot do this anymore.
(and me. i was ready for shock therapy. literally. i was researching long term psychiatric hospitals and last ditch treatments.)
