the ball is in his court??

[pigless in VA]

something is triggered in me where i lose my mind. i go right to fall apart. panic. desperation. despair.

Dear Copa,

Please don't allow your son to destroy your spirit. You are too kind and caring to waste it on someone who doesn't appreciate you. You said that you wanted grandchildren. I suggest that you find a young mother who needs help, befriend her and have fun with her kids. You deserve to have people in your life who appreciate your generous spirit and lift you up.

Your son is simply not in a place to appreciate all the love you have to offer. I don't know why he is there, but he is. Sending love and strength to nourish your spirit. ~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

[Copabanana]

well, people.

i decided to go back to work. something i never did before: a private practice. i bought a small building 2 plus years ago, actually a spanish bungalow home long ago converted to commercial. we have been remodeling it. it is almost done.

i faced that i had to take a giant step and stop indulging myself.

i have lived a useful life. i cannot let myself hide out any more.

plus i need diversion from the cinerama big screen drama with my son.

i almost cannot bear to write the latest twist. the landlord is evicting the tenant who is renting the room to my son. because no authorization was received to sublet. the landlord got aggressive with my son who called the police. i asked him (and the friend) please get a receipt with the rent amount and address.

alas. my son paid $1000 in cash with no recept. he has no standing. no way to get his money back.

but my focus is shifting. onto me. a bit.

my son, i think is relieved. he did work 2 days last week. but i am trying not to micro-manage and stay out of it.

i am sad but have a couple of things for which to be happy and grateful: i am studying for my bat mitzvah! and am seeking a tutor in hebrew. i continue with my brasilian jiu jitsu. i am back to walking most days an hour.

these are huge steps for me. just paid for hotel where we will travel to attend class with the rabbi. next week.

i am trying to accept that self-care and self-focus, and seeking support are a muscle that can be strengthened the same as other muscles: focus, work. repitition, recovery. support from other muscles. little by little.

there will be a lot of work to do to decorate the space, landscape, make connections in the community, set up business and bookeeping practices, etc. i hardly believe i decided. i am retirement age.

but my senior senator just declared her bid for re-election. she is 84. she will be over 90 if she finishes her term. (please rest assured i am nowhere close to that age!) like her, i love my work. and i believe i am useful. i get self-esteem from it. i feel appreciated. worthwhile. so there we are. there is no turning back. it's public.

one way i will network is by going to toastmasters, the public speaking group. and then branch out to talks at churches. etc. something strange about me is i love to speak in front of a group.

i used to be terrified and inhibited. tongue tied. ashamed. over the years (especially in prison) i changed. i became open, relaxed, confident, improvisational and expressive of my real self. i was a big hit! (prisoners are a captive audience.)

i write that as a manifesto. i would like to manifest these qualities in my real life too. well i guess i do. but i do not own them.

i want to own them. proudly. i want to believe in myself. inside me. i never did before.

so i will ask you all for your opinions when i begin to dither and perseverate about decisions about business stuff. not my cutting edge.

even though i am sad i believe i have turned a corner.

i have tried to live from my strengths, the few i had, and build on them. then there came a time when i caved. and could no longer feel or be strong. and now a time has come when i can be both strong and weak. and that is okay. actually, pretty great.

thank you ladies. very, very much.

 

[Sam3]

"and now a time has come when I can be both strong and weak"

That is so punk rock.

Yishar kochech

 

[pigless in VA]

Copa,

I think you will grow into this new venture and become more yourself. I completely understand your wanting to guide/grow your son into the man that you know he is capable of being. Since he isn't able to accept and utilize your guidance, expending your energies on those who will accept your wisdom is the best choice for you. I am so proud of you!

 

[Littleboylost]

What wonderful new found strength and focus you have. I am trying very much to focus on self care. The winds of time will take their direction with my child regardless of my fret and worry.

 

[Copabanana]

I wanted to briefly update.

I have spoken to my son once. He has made some distance. No rancor.

I did tell him i would be coming close to where he is living and he could visit if he wanted. When he intimated he would take the Day off , i Said, no way. he did not visit but did call and text that he regreted not seeing us and would call.

he did say he is working most days and i told him i was proud. it seems the eviction has been halted. or at least he thinks so.

no requests for money. he knows i expect my money back at the end the month. he's said nothing.

he sounded happy. but he was with his friend and does impression management around him. good.

i feel less fearful except for the dread that comes from the knowledge that if he loses this place, he is likely willing to go homeless again.

so on the face of it, i think it seems better...but who knows what's next?

i think i made the right choice loaning him the deposit money.

 

[Littleboylost]

Copa
We stand in such judgement of ourselves. There is no right or wrong. We do what our hearts can endure. What they do with our acts of generosity and kindness is theirs to own not ours.

That said, I am happy things are on an upswing with your son.

Be good to yourself.

 

[Copabanana]

text from my son that he'd call at 11--that despite his improved circumstances still felt sad.

he never called but did text that he is giving psychiatric medications another try!! this is indeed good news. prayers gratefully accepted.

per what he is saying (afraid to hope):

he's on medications which means he's getting treatment.

he is paying a significant amount of rent (about as much as my mortgage was.)

he's working and has made at least enough money to pay for food and expenses.

living situation apparently stable for right now.

he acknowledges his life is better.

i asked him if he ever thinks about becoming an artist or writer. he replied: yes.

 

[Albatross]

Great news, Copa! I'm glad he decided to use your financial assistance to improve his situation. It sounds very optimistic.

 

[Littleboylost]

Copa celebrate the joy today brings and leave it at that. Hope with no expectrions of course. But take a moment to savor the progress and do indeed hope it sticks. I am hoping right along with you.

 

[Copabanana]

m says he sees j changing for the better. slowly. on his own timetable not ours which, m says, is as it should be.

that he says this means a lot. my son has had to deal with so much.

he did call but wifi at the supermarket soon dropped off. this is such sweet agony. hope is hard. you are right lbl. hope with no expectations. just happy for today.

 

[Kalahou]

Hi Copa,
On another thread, you said:

he and i, have trained us to believe the remedy to his ill feeling is located inside of me: what i do or do not say or do. or what i feel.

This is great insight, to recognize this is how you have trained your reaction.
We / you know the truth that this is not so. Nothing inside us / what we say or do / is the remedy. Usually, as we have all experienced, less is actually more.

He has made some distance. No rancor.

Have a happy contentment of heart for him today. He is learning his own truths and reality, what he wants to learn, when, and how. We need to learn to let it, let him, just be for awhile.
Take care.

 

[Copabanana]

well. in retrospect it would have been better not to call j's friend. i had not heard from my son who had told me he had to leave the apartment at the end of the month (yesterday) reason unknown to him.

friiend said:

j doesn't want to change.

j wears a hoody to conceal his receding hairline and face, which gratefully, he did remove in favor of a hat at the insistence of the friend while he was working. but back goes the hoody. he scared the other renters who are mostly immigrants especially one night when he kept leaving the apartment. son told hos friend it was in reaction to the new psychiatric medication.

h, the friend, says my son requires too much babysitting from him work. said nice brazilian neighbors invited j to a bbq but nothig came of it on j's part.

he said my son will receive the deposit back, apparently. my son had mentioned he had the money for me the last time we spoke. who knows?

the direct and underlining message from friend? he has pulled back. the experiment is over. no apartment. no work. maybe, no friend.

he said my son had told him he was coming back here to my town but would be staying in a motel for a night. why i do not know.

my son has not called.

i feel very sad. very hopeless. scared even.

i am not standing strong.

 

[Littleboylost]

Copa

I am saddened by this news. You are not alone. You know this is his story to wrote. He has been provided with many rooms and many options.

Be careful where you lay blame. Life is life and we are not perfect creatures.

Our therapists assigned the Glass Castle to u for homework a while back. It is a good lesson in not placing too much guild on ourselves for how other humans survive and exist. Even is they are our Children.

You are not.

 

[Copabanana]

i forgot another hard thing.

friend said: i don't doubt j would lie.

well. i know he lies. heck. the friend lies. but i would have hoped that j would have protected this friendship where he got so much support.

sad.

 

[Copabanana]

i forgot this part. friend said that when they went together to pick up the money i had sent for the deposit j created a scene in the store attracting everybody's attention and friend said he had to yell at him.

you see. he never wanted the apartment. if it cost him $700. he never wanted the better life. if it cost him anything. he wants his life the way he wants it thank you. but absent the suffering.

does he want anything except marijuana, supplements and food?

oh. he'll take what you offer (if it's no strings). but it does not alter the basic premise. the basic life plan. or lack of same.

it sounds like he's still on necessary tx for his liver. it sounds like he's still in some kind of mh tx and taking medications.

maybe there's a silver lining here. some learning. right now the only learning for me is that this is real life and this is what mine is.

when j called briefly last week he sounded good and matter of fact. he said he was asking around for places to stay and would call me soon.

i do not know why i feel so deflated. i got onto friend's optimism float. and unfortunately it only had gas to go a few blocks.

 

[New Leaf]

Ouch, Copa, I am sorry for the pain of this. It is the same for my Rain, except for the appearance part. Somehow, despite living in a park, she manages to dress well. It seems that she is content with her living situation. It is mind boggling.
Last time I spoke with her, she bemoaned the random police raids and clean ups, but that does not seem to motivate her to seek more for herself.
Last night I asked her sister why she continues to live this way. “Mom, she doesn’t want the responsibility of a conventional life.” Huh.
It is sad and I pray for my two daily that they find their way.
It is hard when we think our kids are doing better, making a go of it, then slide back into the same ole same ole.
Sigh.
Hold fast to the strides you have made in finding your way through this, Copa. You are doing an incredible job moving forward.
One moment, one breath, one step at a time.
(((Hugs)))
Leafy

 

[Lil]

Oh Copa, I'm so sorry to hear this. I wish I could help. I wish I could say something profound and comforting. All I can do is tell you that we're here for you and you are not alone.

“Mom, she doesn’t want the responsibility of a conventional life.” Huh.

This. Exactly this. Our kids by and large don't want a conventional life. They don't want jobs and mortgages and car insurance. They want food and shelter and comfort - but all of it paid for by someone else so they can do what they want to do without any responsibilities.

I realized a long time ago that when I said, "All I ever wanted was him to be happy" that wasn't true. What I wanted was for my son to be happy living a conventional life. He didn't have to be a doctor or lawyer. He could be an artist or a fast food worker. But I wanted him to be happy with a life with rules.

 

[pigless in VA]

I'm sorry, Copa. Please practice some self care and find your way back to calm. Sending tea and sympathy ~~~~~~~~~

 

[Littleboylost]

Copa

I am saddened by this news. You are not alone. You know this is his story to wrote. He has been provided with many rooms and many options.

Be careful where you lay blame. Life is life and we are not perfect creatures.

Our therapists assigned the Glass Castle to u for homework a while back. It is a good lesson in not placing too much guild on ourselves for how other humans survive and exist. Even is they are our Children.

You are not.

Goodness pardon the typos I have a new phone smaller screen. Same old eyes.