Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by Lil, Jan 7, 2015.
And it would make more sense if that was how our son was but he is just apathetic about it.
Mine is too, Jabber. He wasn't passionate or anything. Just didn't get that other people may not like it if he smelled bad, but very nonchalant about it.
Look, I'm not saying your son is on the spectrum. It was just an idea. I'll drop it now. That's for you and Lil to either think about or discount. You know your son best. And, of course, I hope for the best for all of you so I threw this out there as it did sound possible.
Like I said, this is not a new thought to me. When he was young, I researched Asperger's pretty thoroughly and he did tick a lot of the boxes, but I was convinced that if he did have the disorder it was extremely mild and we did fine. He was a difficult kid. He tantrumed a lot. When he was 3 I got called to the daycare center almost every single day, because when I'd leave him he'd throw such a fit that they couldn't control him. He didn't do that at the previous in-home daycare. I can't count the number of times I'd get to work to a ringing phone and promptly have to run out the door to go back to the daycare to calm him down. Thank God I had understanding bosses back then. I started to get up an hour earlier so we could sit down and have breakfast and spend more time together. I bought him a Micky Mouse watch and taught him that when the little hand was on the 5 mom would be there soon. I gave him a special pillow for nap time. The tantrums at daycare went away for the most part. But he actually got kicked out of a daycare and a preschool. But again, only one preschool insisted I have him tested and that quack said ADHD, which it wasn't, and the child psychiatrist didn't diagnose anything at 4. He just warned me he'd always be a difficult kid. He was, but over the years he got better. He was never easy, but he got better.
Until he got worse.
So now it is what it is. I suppose we could suggest to him that maybe part of his problems stem from some disorder and he should see someone, but the last time I suggested he see someone more than a counselor, he asked me, in this heart-broken voice, "Do you really think I'm that broken?" It about did me in.
He tried again tonight, calling just as I was leaving the office at 6:30. He told me he'd walked the mile to the shelter and got there at 5:45, but they'd run out of dinner and didn't put out any more. I asked why he hadn't gone to the food pantry and he said he thought he'd just get a meal and then he'd get more food tomorrow. He said he had $1.90 and asked me for a ride to the store so he could get something.
I said no.
I cried all the way home and for a good 1/2 hour after I got here.
I told Jabber he must be getting so sick of me. He said, "I understand that this is upsetting." which is exactly what I say to our son when I'm sick of his tantrums. He puts up with so much.
So now I've had dinner, which I almost skipped altogether out of guilt. I feel like I did when he was 4 and refused to eat his mashed potatoes. I wouldn't let him eat anything else until he took a bite. I told him to go to bed if he didn't want to eat. He went to bed...three nights in a row. On the 3rd night after he went to his room and sat down and cried and told Jabber, "I may not be the world's best mom and I've got to at least feed my child!" I fed my child. He never ate mashed potatoes.
I told him, "I told you I was done. You have to learn I mean what I say. I'll talk to you tomorrow." So I guess I won. I find myself wondering if the victory is worth it.
Oh Lil, even though it doesn't feel like it, you did the right thing. He is not going to starve and he will learn that he has to plan better. It does take time for them to understand that they can no longer manipulate and get what they want.
I am so sorry your heart is hurting. I have been there and shed buckets of tears.
Stay strong, you will get through this.
Applause for you Lil, try to remember you are not "done" with loving him or being a mom for him, what you are done with is being a doormat for him. He is the one that needs to realize the difference and don't think for one minute he is just going to give up because you have started to say no. So far it is your absolute feelings of rage and rightful betrayal that have gotten you through to where you are now. Maybe as a child he was so bull headed you would feel the need to back down on minor issues because they weren't really going to affect the rest of his life. Now, he is a grown man playing childhood games and his future is at stake. You can only beat him at his own immature games by refusing to be a player anymore. Your tears are hard fought and you deserve every single one of them. Having an emotional release for all that pent up stress is actually good for you.
Become Warrior Women, ready to slay whatever is going to go down, by staying strong, and hanging tight because he means that much too you. Him, having a better life for himself, is somewhat beyond your control but I think if you can stand tall and send a message that " we don't play those games anymore" you are more likely to see change eventually. (Of course I mean by continuing to say NO ) Then even if he never changes you can still have a relationship with him but on more healthy terms of saying yes when it's ok and NO when you know he's playing you.
Lil's MANTRA to get her through work tomorrow: This is not the end of my relationship with my son, this is an end to dealing with my son in unhealthy ways.
Just thought I'd mention something that happened the other night. I may have in the other thread but its relevant here. The night
Take into consideration that a good portion of this is him trying to justify getting something for us. Our son is the same way about rules as doctor is about policy. It exists only when it suits them and is to their advantage.
Lil - you did the right thing and I know it hurts like hades but he will never step up if you continue to rescue him. You bought him food, you warned him it needed to last and instead he chose to share with his friends. Let those friends replenish what they ate. He will soon learn not to let these people mooch off him. But this is a life lesson that he absolutely must learn for himself...
Oops! Ignore the top half of my last post!
I know everyone and thank you...I was really upset last night and I think mostly because of the thought creeping into my mind that maybe he really does have a disorder, maybe he really can't help being so irresponsible. That just made me so upset, so worried that I'm hurting instead of helping, I just got to picturing him all alone feeling like we don't care anymore.
Poor Jabber. I love you honey. I'm sorry.
So anyway he hasn't called today. I hope he doesn't, but at some point tomorrow we have to have a talk with him. Again. I told him I'd buy him snow boots for Christmas and they're talking snow so I need to do that and really, I would like to take him shopping...with his own money...and help him comparison shop and save money. I've never done that with him and I expect he just will buy what he sees and the cost will be more than it should be. This really is something that young people don't get right off the bat. Jabber and I need to work tonight, so we need to do that Saturday.
So I guess in a bit here, I need to contact him before he goes shopping.
Lil, what a nice gesture to help learn how to comparison shop.
All we can do with our difficult child's is plant seeds of knowledge and hope they will someday germinate and grow.
OMG! OMG! OMG!
HE SAYS HE'S NOT FIRED!!!
Sent him a text about taking him to buy groceries and he called and said it wasn't necessary because he got a lot of stuff from the food pantry AND that his supervisor just called and he's not fired!!! Said he was never fired and it was all a big misunderstanding!!!
Words cannot express how happy I am at this moment!
That is just AWESOME!! Good for him that he went to the food pantry too.
Yessssssssssss!!!!!! Good job to your son!!! Awesome!!!!!
Dumb kid still won't take my offer of snow boots, says he won't wear them and he's rather have a D&D book. Really? No sense.
AND SO NOT MY PROBLEM!
Who knows maybe hearing you back up your word pushed him into action. Whatever it is, glad to hear he is taking the steps to fend for himself. Just beware the trap - well I have been so good lately .....................LOL there's always a "something else" So when it rears just say no, remember I am done again, WORKS! That is the new training ground and you need to work on this new success, that it dies work. I am delighted for both of you by the way.
Actually, on the snow boot front, don't feel bad. I think it's a young thing. Jumper has boots that let the water soak in and we live in Wisconsin. We have offered to buy her waterproof boots, but she turned us down saying she would never wear them, it's not that far from class-to-class, etc. etc. This is in WISCONSIN where her town sometimes has a foot of snow. Our offer is good anytime she gets tired of frostbitten feet, but she has to pick them out because if she doesn't like them she won't wear them and will choose the frostbitten feet. For that matter, she already is making that choice.
Somehow it doesn't seem to bother them as much as us. I don't think any of my grown kids own snow boots, except for Sonic and he hasn't worn them in a few years and, yes, it has snowed!!!
You know, there is no roller coaster on this planet that can compare to the emotional roller coaster ride our difficult child's put us through.
If you were answering ME, Jumper is a major easy child...lol. She's just a YOUNG easy child who thinks she is unable to get frostbitten feet. She never wore a coat much either until last year when she finally decided she'd need one at college because of all the walking.
Ummm... for most Aspies, they are absolutely fanatical about certain rules. The problem is, it isn't always the rules WE want them to be fanatical about. It may be rules in their own head, things they have "figured out"... and when the world doesn't work that way, they don't get it. When they accept something as a "rule"... they hold to it like crazy glue.
Oh, and don't go breaking a rule once, just once, yourself... or the rule isn't a rule. No jaywalking... is a rule. But if you break the rule, then he can break the rule whenever he wants, because it's not really a rule. (really black and white thinking)
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