Is it the drugs? Or is it them. Well, both really. It’s them on drugs, or not on drugs and really jonesing to be.
Whatever, it still hurts. Been at the business end of that whip more than a few times. I don’t know if my two even realize the stuff they have said in a fit of drug hazed rage and hysteria.
Certainly have yet to apologize for any of it.
I suppose the whole idea of not taking it personally is that
in their right minds, they wouldn’t be saying or doing the dark things they do.
I don’t think it means not being held accountable. They are choosing.
Its all a part of the FOG.
I’ll never forget a poster “from the other side”, in recovery and explaining how much he had hurt his Aunt and Uncle who kindly took him in. He wrote about coming down from being high and that’s when he had to face the low places he had gone. It propelled him to get high again to escape the extreme guilt.
What a vicious cycle.
I think “not taking it personally”
is more for us to be able to shake it off.
Those words can sink in real deep and cut us to the core.
We can’t go around bleeding all over.
Rehashing our lives and reeling those parenting tapes to try to make some sense of it.
It makes no sense.
It is a drug infected brain squirming, lashing out.
It’s a “consider the source” moment.
I feel after all these years of diving head first into the swirly whirly of it, that addiction is a beast that craves chaos and high drama.
It will leave us dazed and confused, unable to eat or sleep, gnashing our teeth and lamenting over what has become of our kids. Unable to think because we are so emotionally tied up and dashed upon the rocks of the stormy circumstances drug use causes.
I am sad that my two have chosen as they do and continue to fall prey to drugs. Everything that goes with that. They extricate themselves from the bosom of family.........and their drug friends become their “people”.
I am mad, too.
We become an opportunity to beg and beguile, then, when that doesn’t work, the plundering begins, our homes and hearts. That weapon, the tongue, the menacing look, looming over ones own parent.
What I take personally is the
assault addiction and drug use has caused upon my family.
I’m mad about that.
All those stupid hurtful things said and done I would gladly trade memory of for my daughters to become clean and find their light and potential.
For now, in active addiction,
those horrendous moments are a reminder to me of what I don’t want to go back to.
Falling in that rabbit hole.
Allowing them to bring that mess into my home.
Unacceptable.
Engaging in arguments and bringing up past and present offenses with drug abusers is a futile waste of time. I found my daughters to be on the defense and ready to throw more venom in my face.
Drugs don’t enhance conscience, they bury it deep.
No sense pulling the tail of an angry cat.
I hope and pray and wait. When I do see them, which is not often, I don’t talk of rehab anymore. They are not ready to listen.
Taking it personally, to me means allowing that addiction talk to worm it’s way inside my head and turn my heart to mush.
I can’t have a mushy heart and brainless broken head.
I refuse to.
Then, addiction has won.
Excuse my venting, it must be the full moon.
Or, the cold I’m fighting.
Either way.
Wherever the kids are at in this battle, we have all got to work hard at getting smarter, tougher and stand firm against this beast, addiction. It has its claws in our kids, we can’t let it infect us too.
That’s what “not taking it personally” means to me. Please remind me of this if I have a meltdown (or when) over what my two have said or done. They have been known to pull some real zingers on me that poke me in all the wrong places.
It’s been too long, and I need to get on with my life. Not be stagnant with sadness and despair.
Blue is a pretty color, but I don’t want it tie dyed to my soul for however long my two choose as they do.
Love you guys.
(((Hugs)))
Leafy
Ps. Lbl, keep working on yourself and stay strong.
Hang in there!
