Hi Dallas and welcome. I have a similar story with the exception that my daughter has never made it into a program. She has done two short jail terms and each time begged to come home “otherwise she will end up back on the streets doing what she does.” Right now she is out and off on a bender, with a bench warrant. I am not blaming myself for not taking her in, she did find a sober living house, and spent less than a day there.
Sigh.
I only hear from her when she is in jail.
The past holiday season was hard, because she was calling almost daily and I was at the edge of the rabbit hole thinking that maybe she could stay with me until a space opened up in rehab. Quoting bible verses and telling me she wanted to get better, take care of her kids, that she needed me to love her unconditionally. Of course, that meant let her come live with me.
There are places our addicted, using adult children can go to, Copa is right, we are not the only alternative.
We are the easy go to.
They don’t want to follow rules. Rehabs, shelters, sober homes have rules. We do too,but we know how that goes.
I swear I have ptsd from all of the drama and chaos that occurred when my two daughters were in and out of my home as we desperately tried to “help” them. They didn’t get better, they dug in deeper with drugs, stole from us, robbed our lives of precious time and destroyed the peace in our home. It was that horrible. The memories snap me back to the reality that I love my two with all my heart, but I am not the one to rescue them from their own choices. My youngest daughter tells me “Mom, we can’t keep doing the same thing hoping for different results.”
So true.
I actually view jail as the best place for my daughter. At least I know where she is. It is a chance for her to look at her choices and see if she wants to continue on this path of self destruction. I know the transition from the extremely structured living in prison to being let out is difficult. It all boils down to choices. I too, was upset that there was nothing available for my daughter fresh out of jail. She signed onto a very restrictive probation program in order to be released. She has to phone in daily and submit to random drug tests. Seems like a set up for failure, I thought. How can a person with no clothes, no money, no phone, do this? I started to feel badly for her, dumped on the streets, no where to go. She called me when she got out, crying that she didn’t have any id, (so she did have a phone), I encouraged her to call her probation officer and let her know her situation. She was applied for rehab, but had to wait for space, they would be able to get all of her documents for her. She never stepped foot in the door, this time. I still have hope that one day, she will find her true potential. I just know that I am not the one to rescue her. She has to stop putting that on me. I have to stop putting that on myself.
Over the years I have become pretty selfish, which I needed. I used to put everyone else first. Now it's me first and I have no problem saying no.
This is not selfish, Eliz, guys, it’s called
self love. Something we want our adult kids to embrace. Looking after our own well being is not a selfish thing, it is integral to our not only surviving, but striving to live a joyful, peaceful, best rest of our years. We gave our children what we could as they were growing up, often putting our own needs on the side to care for them. Learning to let go and let them learn from their choices is hard enough, when things go haywire and adult kids go off the rails it’s even harder. We get desperate for change when in reality, we have absolutely no control over another human being. My two blamed their choices on me, I fell into rewinding the tapes and thinking “if only I had done this, or that.” Our wayward kids grab hold of those emotional reins and drive us right where they want us. They latch on to our propensity to give our all, to put our lives on hold for them. They tug and tug and tug at our heartstrings until we are spent emotionally and physically. I am blessed to have my young son snap me into action. I couldn’t fall apart, because I had to keep it together for him.
My two are using meth and not right in their minds. They are toxic to be around. Addiction is a selfish beast, sucking the life out of users and anyone who will try to lend a hand. It is not selfish to say no. No you can’t live with me, you don’t get help here. No, I will not give you money. No, I will not let addiction have me in it’s grip.
I am sorry for your troubled heart Dallas. I know that feeling so very well. My daughter, your son, our wayward adult kids have to realize that using is not worth the consequences. My daughters probation officer called me a few months back. (Mind you, I have absolutely no experience with courts, jail, not even a traffic or parking ticket). She was looking for Tornado, who lied and said she was living with me. I let it all out (poor lady) explaining to her that I had promised my son, and myself that I would not allow her to live in my home because of her drug use and everything we had been through. She was very kind and told me it was the right thing to do, that I shouldn’t enable her, she needed to decide to get clean and that it may take a while.
Although the system is taxed, if a person wants to better their lives, they can. All I can do is let my daughters know that I love them, the rest is up to them.
I wish you and all of us peace even when our kids are out there, doing God only knows what. I have had to give my two over to my higher power, knowing fully that I have no control over their lives. I do have some control over my own life and a big part of that, is standing up and saying no. For them, and for my own health and sanity.
Love says no.
Hugs
Leafy