My 16 y.o. was smoking heavily (several times a day) at the time of his admission to a six week dual diagnosis diagnostic program at a facility in eastern Pennsylvania. He detoxed, had psychotherapy and group therapy, and is home with us now getting tutored by the school district and attending once a week substance abuse counseling. He swore up and down when he was pleading with us to let him come home rather than transfer to a residential treatment center,as the diagnostic program recommended, that he wouldn't smoke or go back to his old ways again, that he really wanted to change. It was the opinion of the staff at the diagnosis program that he wasn't yet addicted to smoking weed but that his recovery was fragile and he couldn't go back to his old friends and routine.
Well, he's beenhome 7 weeks and although his tests come up clean he has admitted to smoking a few times with old buddies. He has a curfew set by his juvenile probation officer but he has violated it several times and has left the house without permission (he is not a huge kid but he is still physically stronger and has greater stamina than me and my ex, who are both middle aged and out of shape). If he wants to leave the house, I can't physically stop him. I can't be with him 24/7, nor can ex-husband, though we tried in the early days whenwe first brought him home.
He's only 16, as I said, but let's say he's about to turn 18 and we're in the same situation? Using drugs or alcohol is a deal-breaker for him living with either of us. If he were to persist, I would tell him to go find someplace else to live, and he doesn't get a dime from me.
I have learned the hard way with my older child, an 18 year old daughter, that tough love is the only way to deal with some children. I have a tendency to rush in and shield my kids from discomfort and pain, and it has been a detriment to the whole family.
It's incredibly hard to be firm with a kid who is messing up and really let them feel the consequences of their decisions. I once attended a support group meeting where a dad, a former cop, described how he and his wife decided to let their son sit in jail for a couple of days rather than bail him out (again) as they had in the past, for a drug violation. It shook both them and their son to the core, but he stayed out of trouble after that.
I wonder how I would be in the same situation. Easy for me to say I'd kick my son out of the house and wouldn't help him in 22 months if he refused to straighten out.
You can make yourself crazy, like I have during the past year, trying to stay on top of your kid 24/7, or you can learn to detach and let him feel the weight of his decisions. I haven't done it yet, but I'm told groups like Al-Anon and Nar-Anon help family members cope with their loved one's substance abuse without enabling it or getting destroyed in the process.