What's happening to me in detachment...

[Scent of Cedar *]

I felt so exposed and so vulnerable because before I laid down
my boundaries like I did a few weeks ago, I couldn't protect
myself emotionally from him.

I have felt this way too, COM. I have not consciously acknowledged it. Now that I see it, I will try to work with that. It becomes a habit, that wariness. The opposite of wariness would be trust. What would it feel like, what would it look like, to trust that I will care for, take care of, and defend myself?

am grateful that he is respecting my boundaries....or is it, RE,
that I'm not giving him what he wants so he has no need of me
now?

These are difficult questions to ask, are hard truths to see. A whispered prayer, COM, for the hurt of it....

We can love unreservedly. That is our choice. It has nothing to do with the nature of the affection we receive in return. Though I need to go back, in my memory, to before all this happened, I love my son unreservedly from that place because it makes me happy to do that. Like you, I am learning new skills for interacting with him. Like you, I am acknowledging that I need and claim the right to, defend myself from him, from my daughter, from my mother ~ I am learning to trust myself to take care of myself. I suppose I must be learning to defend and to cherish myself.

This is very new.

:O)

we can being to think about self-care and just starting on that
road pays such dividends that we want to do it more and more.

I am going to take some concrete action to make self care a real, concrete thing that I do, not just a concept, a mindset.

inally, one day something he said broke through to me. He said, Are there other people in your life that you love and care about like you do Susan? I said, of course. He said, well, what about
living for them?

This thought applies to all of us here. What if we lived for those we love and care about as we do our difficult children? That seems impossible, with the amount of time it takes to assimilate the chaos and the hurt of the difficult child lifestyle. But...what if we made that concept of living for those we love and care about a goal, a practice. There is such strength in that concept, such happiness and rightness in it.

Cedar

 

[Echolette]

What if we lived for those we love and care about as we do our difficult children? That seems impossible, with the amount of time it takes to assimilate the chaos and the hurt of the difficult child lifestyle. But...what if we made that concept of living for those we love and care about a goal, a practice. There is such strength in that concept, such happiness and rightness in it.

This seems very right and powerful to me. I am guilty of using even this forum to keep my energy on difficult child and away from the real contributors to my life, even my sweet dog gazes at me sadly while I read and type.

I'm going to start trying this practice right now (without giving up the forum, of course, but refocusing some of the mind energy that goes to difficult child onto my present loved ones.)

 

[Albatross]

What if we lived for those we love and care about as we do our difficult children? That seems impossible, with the amount of time it takes to assimilate the chaos and the hurt of the difficult child lifestyle. But...what if we made that concept of living for those we love and care about a goal, a practice. There is such strength in that concept, such happiness and rightness in it.

This really spoke to me too. My brother-in-law has been very patient and supportive through many, many long and tearful phone calls. A couple of months ago I called him, once again in the midst of one of my rants about something difficult child had done, and brother in law cut me off and said "(Albatross), I don't know how else to make you understand this. I'm sorry to have to put it like this, but difficult child doesn't WANT you or husband in his life right now. He doesn't CARE. He just DOESN'T. So you need to STOP." It was cruel, but it was the only way I could hear it. He had tried many other times to tell me more gently, but I couldn't hear it. Now things aren't the same between me and brother in law, and I realize how badly I abused our relationship when I was so cocooned in all the chaos of trying to fix things for difficult child. It would be so nice to have that easy rapport that I used to have with brother in law, but I don't know if I ever will. It would be so good to be able to not see that guardedness in other people's faces, wondering if they should even ask about difficult child, hoping that if they do I won't go off the rails about it.

 

[Scent of Cedar *]

This seems very right and powerful to me. I am guilty of using even this forum to keep my energy on difficult child and away from the real contributors to my life, even my sweet dog gazes at me sadly while I read and type.

We have a dog, too. A tiny little guy with so much hair that you can't tell which end is which when he is all curled up. A little while back, I had posted something about the dog (and the cat ~ we have a cat, too) seeming stressed when we were stressed, and happier once the crisis had passed for us. I thought about that. We were posting on the site at that time about the practice of being present. As part of that, I started consciously choosing to make happy interactions between myself and both pets. I'm talking like one minute at most. Just laughing and making much of them. Being sure to greet them happily when I see them, like they are the cutest, smartest pets ever. The outcome has been fantastic! When the dog wakes up now, he looks around for me, finds out where I am, and comes running in with this expression of joyful anticipation because he knows I will make a big deal of welcoming him back from his nap.

(!)

True.

And the cat has been looking up with happy expectation, too. She even climbed into my lap and knocked my keyboard over the other morning, all curious about what I was doing and purring up a storm the whole time. She wound up knocking the keyboard off the desk and somehow, got her claw stuck in a key or something. So there she hung, looking at me in that accusing way cats do when they've done something foolish.

Ha!

The fun I've had with both pets since I started paying conscious attention to them has been such a happy surprise. I am so used to whatever I do not being enough, or not turning out well. To think something so simple and sweet as making much of our pets would net such happy reward....

I am glad you are going to do that, too.

:O)

Cedar

 

[Scent of Cedar *]

It would be so nice to have that easy rapport that I used to have with brother in law, but I don't know if I ever will.

Could you call brother in law and tell him what you've just told us, Albatross?

No one expects us to be perfect but us. Even if he holds a grudge (and someone as supportive as you've told us he is probably will not) you will know you have taken a right and positive action toward someone you cherish.

There is an old Billy Joel song about having been a fool for lesser things than loving someone. That is like, my life motto.

I try so hard not to be foolish, but sometimes, I am.

:O)

I know what you mean, about people being afraid to ask about difficult child. When I am fresh into a crisis, I can't seem to stop babbling about it once I start.

It's like a waterfall has been released, and I can hear myself and wish I could stop, but I can't.

I don't go anywhere when I am in bad crisis with difficult child. (After the beating, for example.) Anything would set me off and boy, I just could not get hold of myself. Then? Someone we barely knew came to the door? She asked me how I was and BOOM. I just had to stand there listening to myself try to stop dumping. (There is a movie where Jim Carrey says: "Somebody stop me!" That's what it felt like to be me, that day.)

Ew.

That is part of why it is such a relief to know the site is there. I can post until the pressure is down enough to get a lid on those feelings, so I can function in the real world.

Your pain is real, Albatross. We suffer so hard that it takes time to believe it happened to us, that it happened to someone we love. Everyone in the world sees what our kids have created of themselves. We are their mothers. We know who they were meant to be. It hurts so deep to see the changed reactions to our kids, to see the kids themselves, dirty and resentful and in trouble, every day something else.

You are living in a kind of pain most people cannot imagine. There are no words to describe it. There is no way someone who has not lived through watching a child self destruct could ever truly get it, what this is like.

I am glad you are here with us. We do get it. There is a kind of healing in being heard, in knowing there is somewhere our pain will be understood.

I wish I could take it away or make it better or easier for you, Albatross. Everything about this is impossible. Somehow, we do survive, we do find joy again. That time will come for you, that time when you are healing and can look back at this time, and it will be safely over.

Now, in this time when everything is so jagged and raw and hurtful, we have one another. Small comfort sometimes, but enough to get us through.

Holding you and your family in my thoughts today, Albatross.

Cedar

 

[Childofmine]

It was cruel, but it was the only way I could hear it. He had tried many other times to tell me more gently, but I couldn't hear it. Now things aren't the same between me and brother in law,

Alb, I see in your interchange with your brother in law and yourself the same things we have to do in our interchanges between ourselves and difficult child. We have to speak in new ways. We have to act in new ways. We have to do something different.

And then things won't be the same between us and our difficult children. Because they don't need to be the same. They need to be different.

brother in law, giving him the full benefit of the doubt, finally said to you clearly what HE needed to say. And thankfully, as you state, it is also what you needed to hear. That is a rare thing---when the two connect.

And now, he is likely feeling relieved that he finally got it out----that thing he has been wanting to say for so long, just like that---but also badly that with all you have to deal with, with difficult child, he said it that straight out. As you said, perhaps it was even cruel.

That is exactly how I felt when I stood with difficult child in the parking lot that day he threatened to commit suicide and I told him exactly how I felt. I felt relieved and I also felt I had been cruel. I didn't want to be cruel, but there was so much emotion behind what I was saying that I am sure I said it too strongly, too passionately, too cruelly. And I will have to own that, but I still said what I needed to say and had needed to say for a long, long time.

Does that mean I don't love him just as much as I always have? Absolutely not. I love him dearly.

As I am sure brother in law loves you.

Please call him, Alb. Perhaps you won't "go back to the way you were" but perhaps, not it will be much better. Perhaps there will be a new clarity in your interchanges, and you can create a safe place for the both of you to speak your truth, and maybe this time, not to hold it in for so long before it bursts out.

I see growth in the interchange and most importantly, a chance to improve on an already good relationship.

 

[Albatross]

Cedar, COM, thank you so much for your kind and wise words. I did not mean to make this *ABOUT ME* once again, especially when you are in the midst of wondering about your difficult child, COM. The thread just got me thinking about how out of balance my relationships have become, how much collateral damage has been done by trying to control things I can't control and refusing to see things the way they really are. I am so very grateful to have this place. Without a place to vent with people I understand, I don't know how or if it would even be possible to get any balance or perspective again. Cedar, yes...people just don't understand, they *can't*. But the people here do. And COM, as my husband often says, "It is what it is." For both you and me, the truth is out there now, as blunt as it is. We're going forward, one way or the other. At least we're doing it honestly.

 

[Childofmine]

Friends, I wanted to give you an update on difficult child. He FB messaged me and then he called yesterday about two hours after that. It is always from a number I don't know as he doesn't have a phone. And since my phone is also my business phone, I answer it.

There he was. I was grateful for the FB message before that said: I got it, thanks. (meaning the mail I took to the shelter last Friday) What are you up to?

I didn't answer the FB message. It was enough to know that he was alive. So when the phone rang, I wasn't too anxious, although I hadn't slept well the night before and I was really tired. Also, I said a woman at a meeting yesterday morning who runs a transitional program for women just getting out of jail here and now they have added a men's program. I approached her, introduced myself, and told her how much I appreciate her work. We had a good conversation, and I shared a bit about difficult child. She was very kind and supportive, and that shook me up a bit. I have learned that being tired is not a good foundation for me in dealing or talking with or about difficult child. I have to keep up with rest.

So, back to difficult child: he sounded good. He said he is looking for a job. (Okay, I didn't say a word, but really? It's been almost 30 days since he got out of jail. Come on.). He said he was going to a bread factory yesterday to apply with another guy because they heard there are two openings. i happen to know that the manager of the bread factory here is in recovery himself and he hires a lot of people who have been in "trouble." I said Good. He said he went to the PO last Wednesday and ended up seeing another person there instead of his assigned PO. He said my PO "gets" people jobs so I am seeing him on the 20th so I hope he is there this time. (I wanted to say: You mean you're going to just go along until then? I didn't.)

Ugh. I was holding back but I was questioning everything I was hearing. My mind was racing. (Some acceptance, huh? I have a lot of work to still do)

I asked a few questions (probably shouldn't have). He said he stayed last week for a couple of nights at someone's house. I asked if he was going to be able to stop using drugs without help. He said (pretty clear and firm), Mom, I'm not going to use drugs this time. I have had a lot of chances already and I haven't. I said, Well you know, if you do, you will lose any ground you have gained. That is what happens (name).

I am sure that was too much to say on my part. But I also know that he has used drugs, because he failed a test at the SA shelter, so you know how the incessant mind works: is this also a lie? What else are you lying about? etc. etc.

He said he has applied for a lot of jobs and has given my phone number. I said, well no one has called.

Is that even true?

Ugh. I was tired, and he appeared to be lying, and I didn't even really want to be knowing any of this, because all I do is pick it apart.

He also asked if I would go to his dad's house and pick up his W2s for him and bring them to the shelter. Evidently his dad left them outside over a week ago. I said no.

I just need to keep the distance between us as is for now. Also just turn it over. Turn it over. Turn it over. A million times if necessary.

I said I love you honey and I think of you every day and hope you are well. He said I love you too Mom.

Ugh. I wish (I WISH) I could get to acceptance of what is. Whatever IT IS is not going to be smooth and pretty and tied up with a little bow. That is never going to happen.

I'm getting stirred up just writing all of this. But I did sleep like the dead last night. I dreamed about snakes (???) but I slept all night without waking up until the alarm went off.

Later in the day he fb messaged me again to ask if I have an extra bike he can use. I waited a while, torn by my answer, and then finally messaged back. No, I don't have an extra bike. I am sorry.

So, here is the bald faced what I am thinking: he has spent the last four to six days on drugs (right after the PO visit Wednesday where I am sure he was tested) and now he is resurfacing and getting "back to it."

But if that is true, and i don't know and don't need to know if it is or isn't, that IS. What. It. Is.

One time someone told me: You don't need to wonder if a drug addict is using drugs or not. They are. That's what they do.

Ugh. One day at a time, friends. One day at a time.

But I'll say this to you now....over time, as it turns out that he is indeed not dead, you will be able to tolerate longer and longer stretches.

Yes, I did, Echo. This time it was 7 days and I didn't do anything about it. I didn't search for him or call the shelter. I did call the jail on Saturday. Progress, not perfection, right? You are right and I appreciate your counsel so much on this. Keep counseling me.

Cedar, COM, thank you so much for your kind and wise words. I did not mean to make this *ABOUT ME* once again, especially when you are in the midst of wondering about your difficult child, COM.

Alb, when I first got on this board, I am sure I hijacked a lot of threads. But I like it when others hijack because I learn from all of it. I learn from your top of mind thoughts about me and yourself in the mix. I don't know (still) if that is okay or not, but I know I do it all the time. So please you can hijack my thread any time (smile). It helps me!

thanks to all for listening. You are getting the ugly truth above. Thanks for making me feel safe enough to tell it.

Hugs and prayers and blessings for each one of us today. It is gray and cloudy here but I HAVE DECIDED that I am going to have a very good, productive day. So there!

 

[Scent of Cedar *]

Child, you are developing major muscles. You are like, the Arnold Schwartzenegger of detachment. Right now, Child? It's not theory. It's not "Boy, am I going to change my situation the next time I see that darn difficult child of mine!"

You are in the trenches with your son now, Child. It is face to face, right up front, personal as can be. Every emotion, every action, every word you hear him say, every response you make, is a brand new thing, a creation of the future, a break with the past. You are navigating a mine field, Child. You have a certain amount of information and a great deal of faith and that's it.

And that's it...except for the vulnerability your love for this so troubled son creates inside the heart of you, where courage has to live now, instead of the vulnerability of motherlove.

I could cry, for the pain of it.

It helps me to remember that what I have done in the past hasn't worked. It hurts me to think that maybe, nothing will work....

But it is what it is. And we do the best, the very best, that we know or can learn.

And that has to be enough, because that is all there is.

**************

You know, I was responding to one of Recovering's posts this morning, and found myself telling her about the practice I have begun of watching the sunrise while practicing the meditation of gently reminding myself not to give life to my thoughts, during that time. That practice, which I read about in Pema Chodron's Comfortable With Uncertainty, has brought me a steadiness I did not have, before. The sunrise coming, the light rising, the blaze of the sun over the horizon, the rising heat of the day, begun.... It's an incredible, bona fide experience when approached with that mindset, Child.

It's an intimate moment between me and my own, living presence, with nothing between us, at all.

:O)

Cedar

 

[Scent of Cedar *]

So, I was working with that Arnold Schwartzenegger imagery? And I kept thinking and thinking about it.

Remember that movie, Predator? Where Arnold confronts the predator and says: "What the **** are you?"

Well, that is what it looks like to me when we are facing and fighting the addict in our children.

That creature, that predatory alien, is what the addiction looks like. It is savage and invisible and uncatchable and alien and filthy and wrong.

And it has our kids.

We?

Are Arnold. Camoflaged, in the trenches, fighting with whatever weapons we are strong and bright and determined enough to come up with.

For those who have not seen the movie? Arnold does win, in the end.

Cedar

 

[Albatross]

I am so glad you heard from difficult child! I know exactly what you mean when you describe how the questioning and picking and chaotic thinking starts. I do the same thing when I talk to my difficult child. Interacting with him on any level is just too complicated, and I hate that. I hate trying to figure out what he's *REALLY* saying, thinking/hoping maybe he is telling the truth this time, then being reminded of all the other times he's lied and how good he is at it. What is that saying in Al Anon, something about not believing anything they say and only 50% of what you see with your own eyes? That's about how much faith I have in anything difficult child says anymore, and I hate that, hate having to be like a prison guard in every interaction I have with him. I hate filtering everything I say to try to anticipate how it will affect difficult child. Will he get ticked off by something I say and go off on a bender? Will he sense a chink in my armor and try to use that to his advantage, hoping I will move my boundaries back a little bit? Every interaction becomes an uber-complicated chess match in my head, and I HATE CHESS! I have so often wished to be a fly on his wall, wherever he is. I wouldn't stay long, just long enough to see that he is ok. Then I'd just fly out the window unnoticed. But I guess nothing would change if we could do that. What you are doing right now, it's really, really hard work, trying to find the "new" natural way of interacting when what *should* be natural has turned out to not even exist. But for what it's worth, I also think you did a FANTASTIC job of navigating that minefield!

 

[nlj]

Yes, it's like a game of chess. I so get what you're saying.
It's either agree with him (even if I don't), say nothing, or end up having an argument about some mindless bit of nonsense.
But despite this I still find myself checking my phone regularly hoping for some contact!

 

[recoveringenabler]

You're very brave COM, like Cedar said, the "Arnold S. of detachment" I love that.......

You're stepping right in the lion's den with no armor or protection, just your raw belief in the rightness of what you're doing.

And, the lion is responding.

You learned the original Mom script well...........and now, he is 24.5 years old and you have to learn a completely revised script, with a few of the old words and actions and a whole bunch of new words and actions.....there is going to be a learning curve and it's going to be challenging!

And, you're doing it. You're showing up. You're doing all of this because you love yourself and you love your son, it's an honorable endeavor COM and even when you don't feel it, you are surrounded by Grace.

 

[Childofmine]

Good Morning! I wanted to give you all an update on difficult child. But first, thank you so much for all of your posts on this thread, words of care and support, and words of wisdom from your own experience. I read it all (over and over) and appreciate it very much.

Thursday, difficult child FB messaged me and asked if I could bring some clothes to him the next day and take some of the things that he is carrying around in his backpack that he doesn't need. I said yes. He called me about 10:15 Friday morning and asked when I could come by the day shelter. I said in about an hour.

(a bit of background: he has now been on the street for a little over a month, homeless, no job, no money, if he gets arrested one more time he goes to prison for four years, doesn't need rehab, doesn't have a problem. I am working hard on really letting go. For the first time my ex (his dad) and I are not enabling at the same time, ex has completely detached. I am trying to have a relationship but with a lot of distance).

When I got there he was waiting outside and he came and got in the car. I had struggled with myself about bringing him something. I thought about running by the grocery store and getting some protein bars and pb/crackers and bottled water and/or giving him a $10 bill or something. In the end, I got a Diet 7up out of my fridge and that is all I took. I told myself he has food stamps and I need to do nothing. Nothing.

He said thank you for the drink. He said he had not had a place to sleep the night before and was tired. I didn't ask where did you go what did you do? I said Oh.

Evidently he has been staying at someone's house---have no idea who---with some other people some nights when it's really cold outside.

Other nights he says he starts trying to figure out where he will sleep about 3 p.m. when the day shelter closes.

He cleaned out his backpack and gave me some clothes and took a pair of jeans, some boxers, t-shirts and a couple of shirts. He has a coat. He also gave me some toiletries he said he doesn't need right now.

He said he got his library card back and he now can go there and check out books and use the computer. He said he had $2 in fines and if you have fines you can't use the computer but somehow they erased the fines so he can. He was glad about that and I saw a library book on WWII (he likes reading about that) in his backpack.

We had a nice time in the car for about 10 minutes. I am more and more able to talk straight to him. Remember, for so long I had to write it all down, print it out and carry it in my purse so I could stick to my script.

Now, I can say some straight things to him without going off on him or holding back too much. At least for me.

We had had a conversation a few days before on the phone about why he was turned down at the Salvation Army. They told me he failed a drug test. When I said that to him, he flew off about it and was really upset. He said he has not taken a drug test there since he got out of jail, and that's not what happened, he said it was because he failed the drug test at the SA rehab (city four hours from here) and got kicked out there so they won't let him back in here.

Well, that is not what the director said to me, but I said, okay, you may be right. He said, I am right and I have not taken drugs one time since I got out of jail and I am trying to rebuild your trust and now you won't believe me, yada, yada.

The recovery person in me said this: The best predictor of future behavior is past history, remember. He is a drug addict and that's what they do: take drugs.

The person-who-so-wanted-to-believe-him in me said: Maybe they were wrong and the message got mixed up and they meant at the rehab.

Then I realized it doesn't matter.

I told him that. He said it does matter to me. You never believe me, yada, yada.

I said this: Okay I understand that you are upset. Let's set this aside if we can. I will give you the benefit of the doubt here. Let's move on.

Fast forward back to the car: So he brought that up again. I said (name), listen, you and I are going to have to do a lot of work to rebuild trust. I really don't know if I can believe a word you say about anything because you have lied to me so much. Let's work on telling each other the truth, even if don't think the other person is going to like it.

He said okay.

At one point I asked him if he is still smoking cigarettes. He looked at me sideways and said, sometimes but I know I need to stop.

I immediately said, thank you for telling me the truth. That is what I mean. Let's tell the truth.

I was able to say some of my own truths, directly but not mean (I hope). I said, I am very cautious about doing anything at all for you. In the past I do one thing and then you expect all things. That isn't good for you or for me. I am trying to stay out of your way so you can become a man. That is what you need to do. You need to figure it all out for yourself and take complete care of yourself.

He said he had several appointments with different people around town about jobs and somewhere to live into this week, plus he was going to the Y to start working out there as you can go there for free if you are homeless.

I said that sounds good. I hope you get some results.

And I said I will help you get a bike if you get a job and a place to live and you need one. He said okay.

He had asked me last week if I have an extra bike and after two hours of agonizing about my answer, SO told me, just answer the question. Do you have an extra bike? I don't. So I wrote back (FB message): I don't have an extra bike. I am sorry.

Wow. That was huge. I wanted to complicate it all up and got all twisted up about whether I should go buy a bike, tell him to find a bike and I will pay for it, blah blah. SO said just answer the question he asked and no more.

Back to the car: It was a very civilized conversation and when we parted we hugged hard and said I love you.

I said, please keep in touch and he said he would. He didn't ask for anything, not even a ride somewhere.

I don't know. I feel like this is real progress on both sides of the street---his side and my side. I am going to TRY with all of my power and might and your help to continue to stay out of his way as much as I can and just have these very small meetings from time to time.

I haven't taken him to lunch or dinner, had him here, or anything. I think that is how it needs to be right now. I am a little bit hopeful that maybe he will make something good happen but I don't want to get too invested and keep my head on straight about his.

It is what it is. It's completely up to him. I am slowly figuring out this very strange relationship between myself---living in a 3000 square foot house all by myself about 2 miles from the day shelter where my homeless son eats breakfast and lunch every day and figures out where he will stay every night.

It is what it needs to be.

 

[Echolette]

Child,

I felt my chest tighten as I read your last two paragraphs...so similar to my relationship with my son, now. I live in the house he grew up in, intended for 7 people, now down to two. Lots of empty beds every night. difficult child sleeps under the bridge.

I too am trying not to make demands or tell him what to do, and to find out what is left in our relationship if I don't try to fix, criticize, or push.

Like your difficult child, he doesn't ask for much, and like your difficult child when I say no he doesn't argue. LIke your difficult child he sleeps outdoors, and sometimes with "other people" if it is too cold or wet.

Like you, I don't really know where to be, but where I am is better than where I have been.

As you know, I took difficult child to lunch two weeks ago, first visit in 3 months, since before he got out of jail. Then he came and visited me while I was having a 3 day meeting at a hotel here in town. My company always gets me a room...every night I went home anyway. Seemed very strange to be leaving a clean empty bed and shower in a hotel while difficult child slept on the street...but....I couldn't let him have the room. I did let him shower there when he came to visit. It was quite awkward having him meet with some of my associates...his clothes smell, and he is disheveled.

He keeps telling me (without prompting) that he is going to restart medications, re-engage with caseworkers, get on a housing list. And he keeps telling me that he slept through the appointment, the line was too long, he didn't want to be late to work....

I was going to meet him for coffee Satruday, and I could feel my discomfort and resentment building...I didn't want to take the time. I was annoyed to realize we are in the same place we've been for two years...he lives on the street, makes fantasy plans about bettering his situation, takes short term under the table jobs...and just hangs out. And it annoys me, or even angers me.

So when he called to confirm I told him that I had changed his mind. That I had realized that he kept telling me the same things but not doing them, the same conversation we've been having for two years. I said I didn't feel it was my place to tell him what to do, but that his choices frustrated me and I didn't feel like having coffee, that I had to figure things out. He said "OK Mom" and we both said I love you.

The next day he called to tell me my favorite singer (from Africa) will be in town in two weeks, and wanted to know if I wanted to go with him (I'll be out of town).

Its weird but it is what it is.

My SO pointed out that if my son were living this life with a backpack in Europe, or South America, or Asia...sleeping where he could, working odd jobs to fund the next few days, living out of a backpack, I would be thrilled. It was a funny point to make...something to turn over in my mind.

I love to read your updates, Child, I like to know where you are with difficult child, and where your head is. Sometimes it helps me focus on things I hadn't seen. Sometimes it just helps to have some one else asking the same questions.

Hugs to you today.

Echo

 

[Childofmine]

Me, too, Echo, back at you on all of the above.

Let's buy them one-way tickets to Europe on the same plane leaving from the same city.

Then we can be thrilled and know they are with another difficult child who is their seeming twin.

(smile and lol)

Let's keep posting what is going on, how we are thinking about it, and how we are handling it. It is good for me to read and to write.

Have a good Monday today!

 

[recoveringenabler]

COM and ECHO, you are both doing so well in this wild landscape we live on.........and I know how tough it is, but both of you have enormous commitments to grow, to heal and to change and that will serve you well and bring you peace.

Last year when I was pondering some similar questions about how weird it was that I was leaving on vacation when my daughter was practically homeless and essentially enjoying my "good life" I posted about my feelings about that and how strange it was and how I felt somehow selfish in enjoying my life as she was in desperate straights..........Well, Calamity Jane responded to me and said, "what are you supposed to do RE, wear a hair shirt?" Meanwhile, I had to look that up since I had heard of it but didn't really grasp the meaning. When I saw what that was, I had the most dramatic reaction.............I started laughing! I cracked up. I brought it to my therapy group, which was filled with women.........mothers, who were ALL wearing hair shirts and I told them about it and WE ALL cracked up. Every single time after that that I thought like that, I envisioned myself wearing a hair shirt and it stopped me dead in my tracks. That one phrase did the trick. I am still so grateful to Calamity Jane for saying that........thanks CJ!!!

 

[Albatross]

These are things I have thought a lot about too, and continue to think about. We are also in a house that is too big for 2 people. difficult child's comfy bed is neatly made, sitting empty. He doesn't need it in the halfway house (where he is getting eaten by bedbugs every night). Sometimes I picture him sleeping there, waking up well rested, coming down the stairs to eat breakfast and start his day. Then the bubble bursts and the memories kick in, of him slumped on the couch at 3 PM in the clothes he slept in, too hung over to eat, promising yet again to look for work "tomorrow." Giving the kind of basic support that comes naturally with easy child is like giving a toddler too many sweets with difficult child. We all want to make our circumstances better; that's just human nature. For my difficult child at least, that instinct seems to kick in only when he is pretty close to being in survival mode.

 

[Scent of Cedar *]

COM, your post was an excellent rendition of what it means to establish personal boundaries for any of us, around any issue. I love it that you are walking the middle ~ not enabling, not turning him away.

A very nice job, COM.

I am starting to like your son, very much. I like it that he dealt with the library regarding the $2 fine. That tells me so much about him ~ that, and his choice of reading material.

I love it that you told him you are stepping out of his way so he can learn to be a man.

I have the sense that the two of you are probably closer now, in the midst of detachment and new patterns of response, than you have been in a long time.

I loved the honesty he came through with, once you made that clear.

I don't hear any judgment for this child of yours anymore, COM. You are a little proud of him now, aren't you?

This is how we can know we are on the right path. All at once, instead of hearing about what we owe them, we are hearing about our difficult children going to the library, or making French toast.

:O)

Happy for you, COM.

Really? I am happy for every child, for every parent as we learn to love them from this new perspective. It is hard to change old patterns, hard to see the benefit in it.

But the benefits to each of us, to mother and child both, are intense.

Very nice, COM. Thank you for sharing.

Cedar

 

[Scent of Cedar *]

Hmmm.... And in reading through the gentleness and honesty in your interactions with your son, I see the anger and judgment in my interactions with my own son.

I will do some thinking about this new thought, COM.

Cedar