Been here before. Looking for some advice
- Thread starter Drew64
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Sorry for late reply. I’ve been busy at work amd out this weekend trying to relax. She went to college first day without an issue my wife said but became her old self once done with classes. On,y had two classes that day and then off Thursday and Friday. Now she just doesent do her work. Everything at this community it’s college is done through a portal for student. She has a log in to check e mails and assignments yet refuses to do it. Drives my wife crazy. I mentioned something today to my daughter about it and she said she would fail on purpose if kept bugging her. Said the same thing in high school. Again she’s 19. An adult so can’t force her to do medications or therapy. She has been down therapy road multiple times amd on medications. She hates the medications and when I therapy likes to blame everyone else or just refuses to talk about anything. I’ve offered her everything from trying different therapist to hypnosis to a “life coach”to help her get organized and prepare for all the things about college. Refuses them all. Someone suggested doing horseback riding at a local place that uses them for therapy. Have not asked her about this. I know she’s depressed even though she says no she’s not. If I were her I would hate my life. Not having physical friends to hang with. Only people on computer. Always being angry when asked about school. Yet she will text me if I’m out to pick her up food or a coffee. This will be her first full week of class. I’m not going to say anything about her HW. She’s old enough to know what to do. I’ve told my wife to let it rest until the semester ends if makes it that far and if she fails then will have to reassess the situation. Also I’ve asked her about volunteering at the place we adopted her cat from. One she doesent drive so would need a ride and it’s about 20 minutes away amd two she’s not interested. Even have two art places nearby one which she did volunteer at for about a week amd did not like it. So that’s where we stand. I wouldn’t be able to just kick her out because there are no places to go around here. As her psychiatrist told me a few months ago she’s stuck amd until can unstick hersel he can’t do anything. Sometimes I think she does things to be spiteful too. Especially since she and mom don’t always get along.
She went Wednesday to two classes. Then had off until tomorrow which will be full week. Has not started any Home Work or logged into e mails to check from professors.
BusynMember
Well-Known Member
Things dont change unless WE change.
Maybe it would be helpful to all if you and wife backed off or take her for a new assessment. But what you are doing now isnt helping you or her. And nothing will change if things stay the same. I personally dont think she is being spiteful, no matter how it looks to you, nor will she be a good candidate for tough love and years of psychiatry havent helped her.
I dont remember if I recommended a neuropsychologist evaluation but that is a better more intensive evaluation that covers psychology AND neurology. You find them in university clinics. Some are private. A fresh eye is often a good thing. I personally dont believe that your daughter can change herself and conventional therapy isnt helping her. Horseback riding therapy may really comfort her. Animals are so loving. It probably wont change her. She cant function. She needs more help than that. I still believe she is probably on the autism spectrum in which she could improve greatly with the right interventions...no need always for medications. My son doesnt take any medications.
Your daughter isnt like this to punish you and her happiness probably looks different to what would make you happy. She may not like or want a lot of friends or partying and may be too socially hampered or sensory challenged to leave the house until she gets sensory help from an occupational therapist and a social skills class. I also recommend physical therapy. Try a new path. The old one is not appropriate because it is not working. It may be appropriate for other people but hasnt helped her at all.
Nothing changes if nothing changes. Sometimes parents need to step outside of our comfort zones too. You may not think your daughter has a neurological difference like autism and it may scare you and maybe she doesnt have it but can it hurt to get a fresh look at her by a good neuro psychologist? She is not doing well. I feel she is not defiant and is doing the best she can with her current limitations which are quite real for her. I feel badly for her.
Okay off the soapbox. Wishing your family well.
Maybe it would be helpful to all if you and wife backed off or take her for a new assessment. But what you are doing now isnt helping you or her. And nothing will change if things stay the same. I personally dont think she is being spiteful, no matter how it looks to you, nor will she be a good candidate for tough love and years of psychiatry havent helped her.
I dont remember if I recommended a neuropsychologist evaluation but that is a better more intensive evaluation that covers psychology AND neurology. You find them in university clinics. Some are private. A fresh eye is often a good thing. I personally dont believe that your daughter can change herself and conventional therapy isnt helping her. Horseback riding therapy may really comfort her. Animals are so loving. It probably wont change her. She cant function. She needs more help than that. I still believe she is probably on the autism spectrum in which she could improve greatly with the right interventions...no need always for medications. My son doesnt take any medications.
Your daughter isnt like this to punish you and her happiness probably looks different to what would make you happy. She may not like or want a lot of friends or partying and may be too socially hampered or sensory challenged to leave the house until she gets sensory help from an occupational therapist and a social skills class. I also recommend physical therapy. Try a new path. The old one is not appropriate because it is not working. It may be appropriate for other people but hasnt helped her at all.
Nothing changes if nothing changes. Sometimes parents need to step outside of our comfort zones too. You may not think your daughter has a neurological difference like autism and it may scare you and maybe she doesnt have it but can it hurt to get a fresh look at her by a good neuro psychologist? She is not doing well. I feel she is not defiant and is doing the best she can with her current limitations which are quite real for her. I feel badly for her.
Okay off the soapbox. Wishing your family well.
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Hi Drew ~ just chiming in with the others who think she is probably on the spectrum, high functioning autism or Aspergers. I also think a neuropsychological evaluation would be a very good idea.
If she is on the spectrum it's best to know now while she is still young. From there you can find out what types of help would be best for her. You will also be better able to consider what she can handle verses what could be too much for her.
I know a young man who is high functioning. One example of a difference between him and most people is he can't stand crowds. I mean really can't tolerate the slightest crowd, too much input for him. We take him on trips with us sometimes. If I didn't know about this, trips could be a disaster. But because I know I pay attention to doing things and going places where we don't get caught in the crowds. And he needs his downtime away from people, so I don't plan as much as I usually would.
He works, he has a couple of friends, he is doing fine now. But there was a time when he felt too much pressure and didn't do much of anything other than video games, which he is still very much into now, just not as much.
If she is on the spectrum it's best to know now while she is still young. From there you can find out what types of help would be best for her. You will also be better able to consider what she can handle verses what could be too much for her.
I know a young man who is high functioning. One example of a difference between him and most people is he can't stand crowds. I mean really can't tolerate the slightest crowd, too much input for him. We take him on trips with us sometimes. If I didn't know about this, trips could be a disaster. But because I know I pay attention to doing things and going places where we don't get caught in the crowds. And he needs his downtime away from people, so I don't plan as much as I usually would.
He works, he has a couple of friends, he is doing fine now. But there was a time when he felt too much pressure and didn't do much of anything other than video games, which he is still very much into now, just not as much.
Again thanks for replies. I believe she was evaluated by neuropsychologist a few years back. I will have to go back over all her evaluations. All the advice is great but I have a person who doesent feel she needs intervention that mom and dad are to blame for the problems. So again how do you get an adult by age to do something she doesn’t want to. I’m not going to get in her case about homework. Today she is up on her computer playing a game online. Tomorrow had two classes in morning. One has homework due which she will figure out tomorrow. This is college and she always says wants to be treated like everyone else. She always hated her IEP but would complain if didn’t get xtra time for tests she didn’t finish because she didn’t study.
Elsi
Well-Known Member
Drew I’m glad to hear she made it to class at least. I agree this is the time to take a step back and let her be responsible for her choices and time management. She may fail this time. But if you’re staying out of her choices and not taking on the responsibility, she can’t blame you.
I didn’t make it through college the first time. Not because I couldn’t do the work, but because the environment was too overwhelming and I shut down. I was better prepared and more self aware when I went and finished up the second time around. Though I was doing it the hard way, with kids. Whether it’s Autism Spectrum Disorders (ASD) or something else, she’ll have to get to the point where she’s can accept that she is t just like everyone else and learns how to ask for the help she needs and find workarounds and accommodations for her difficulties. It doesn’t sound like she’s there yet. But if she doesn’t make it through this semester, try to see it as a learning experience rather than a failure. She is still so young. She may just have a slightly longer path to follow than some.
I didn’t make it through college the first time. Not because I couldn’t do the work, but because the environment was too overwhelming and I shut down. I was better prepared and more self aware when I went and finished up the second time around. Though I was doing it the hard way, with kids. Whether it’s Autism Spectrum Disorders (ASD) or something else, she’ll have to get to the point where she’s can accept that she is t just like everyone else and learns how to ask for the help she needs and find workarounds and accommodations for her difficulties. It doesn’t sound like she’s there yet. But if she doesn’t make it through this semester, try to see it as a learning experience rather than a failure. She is still so young. She may just have a slightly longer path to follow than some.
BusynMember
Well-Known Member
If she wont get help, yes she is an adult.
in my opinion psychiatry, of which I am not stranger, blames the parents so the kids follow. Plus psychiatry is an inexact science and there are no ways to definitely prove a diagnosis. I have had many, both mood disorders and neurological glitches. I like neuro psychioigists better than psychologists or therapusts for diagnosing. Some figure things out better than others in this uncertain field. Seems like every moody person is called bipolar these days i am sure that will change. There are diagnosis. of the day that change all the time.
None of rhis matters if daughter wont go for help. I am sorry
in my opinion psychiatry, of which I am not stranger, blames the parents so the kids follow. Plus psychiatry is an inexact science and there are no ways to definitely prove a diagnosis. I have had many, both mood disorders and neurological glitches. I like neuro psychioigists better than psychologists or therapusts for diagnosing. Some figure things out better than others in this uncertain field. Seems like every moody person is called bipolar these days i am sure that will change. There are diagnosis. of the day that change all the time.
None of rhis matters if daughter wont go for help. I am sorry
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Sorry to add to your frustration Drew.
I assumed because she doesn’t give you a real hard time she would do some minimal things you suggest, wrong assumption. I don’t know anyone who can make someone do something they don’t want to do.
Stepping back and letting her take control sounds like the best idea for now.
I assumed because she doesn’t give you a real hard time she would do some minimal things you suggest, wrong assumption. I don’t know anyone who can make someone do something they don’t want to do.
Stepping back and letting her take control sounds like the best idea for now.
Well just to add something. I let my daughter know to get her to classes on time since I need to be at work earlier. Says fine. Didn’t bug her about class work. A few hours later she standing I. Kitchen and I’m watching a game in living room, she turns and says I’m still mad at you and mom. You make me cry at night ( have t heard her cry) so I’m not going tomorrow and am going to fail. I ignore her. She’s done this before every time doesent have her work done or a test was coming up. About ten minutes later she comes to me and wants me to look at something on her leg that she is concerned about( looked like an infected cut or scratch). So to me she’s playing a game. I feel all anxiety based. Blames us if we say the littlest thing to her and then uses that as excuse not to do something. I wish she would think about some kind of therapy or anti anxiety medicine.
Elsi
Well-Known Member
Definitely sounds like anxiety. She’s giving herself an out in case she doesn’t succeed - pre-blaming you so she doesn’t have to blame herself. On some level she knows what she is doing. Therapy would definitely help here when she’s ready. Try to stay neutral and non judgmental, and let any attempts at shifting blame slide off you like Teflon. Hang in there.
Mumunderfire
New Member
Hi there, you mention your daughter was diagnosed with add. If that's the case you have to factor in that in terms of emotional maturity people with ad(h)d have about a 30% developmental delay. So a 19year old might be functioning emotionally more like a 14 year old. Also those with add can be a bit introverted and socially anxious more so than hyper types. If she is also on the spectrum this will be even harder for her to navigate a college situation... There's lots of good advice here I hope things improve try to be patient with her I know what it's like though you so want them to get a grip!
I just want to say thanks for all the input and support. After today I will need a lot more support. So my daughter got home late from her art class yesterday. She chose this class runs from 6-10. Could of had a Friday from 1-5 but wanted Friday off. She had class today in morning. I was at work but nudged her up this morning early to which her a good day. Later I get calls and messages from my wife she won’t go to class. Now my wife has adhd too amd had a head trauma a few years back so she doesent handle stress well and gets angry. The next thing I know I have to leave work to break up this fight between them later in day. I come home my daughter had messed up the kitchen and living room. Then find out she was taking a scissor to the bed sheets and cutting them. So my wife to the scissors and cut her hair on one side. Now the kid doesent want to leave the house because half her hair is short compared to other side amd she had long hair. Says won’t leave until it grows. Tried to tell her could take a year. Needed some humor in situation. Needless to say I’m livid at my wife. Do t know what possessed her to do that. Oh and on top of that my wife broke her laptop trying to take it away. So now two things she is holding against us for not continuing college next week. Lost chance at getting full refund back already. I’m at my wits end. Trying just to unwind and let everyone one calm down. I’m workimg 8-8tomorrow but off Friday so I’m hoping to get daughter to her salon to see what they can do. No hats or hoodies are allowed in class and she’s embarrassed. I am on her side with this. She feels mom needs a new therapist now. Feeling down and a little helpless
Elsi
Well-Known Member
Drew, I am so sorry this all happened. I know all too well what it feels like to be caught in between a spouse and a teen or adult child - including physical fights. It’s awful.
Your daughter may have been out of control, but what your wife did was abusive. As parents and adults, we have to be able to maintain our composure and not escalate the situation when our children are out of control. Even if we have issues of our own. I can’t melt down even when my kids are pushing all my Aspie buttons. Because I’m the mom. And I can’t expect them to handle their $#&@ if I cant handle mine.
That said, I know you can’t control your wife any more than you can control your daughter. It’s a terrible place, to be in the middle of this kind of ugly scene, and to be put in the position of trying to be the peacemaker.
I would agree with your daughter than your wife needs a counselor. It would probably be helpful for the two of you to see a family counselor together to agree on some strategies you can both use with your daughter. But if she won’t agree to that, it may be helpful for you to go yourself to get some perspectives on everything.
Cutting your daughter’s hair like that was especially cruel for someone already dealing with what sounds like some crippling social anxiety. And Your wife has now handed your daughter the perfect excuse for blowing this semester. She’ll be too embarrassed to go, then too far behind to catch up. It doesn’t sound like she was on a good track for success this semester anyway, but now she doesn’t have to own it - she can blame it on your wife. It’s going to set things back as far as getting her to take responsibility for her own success and choices.
I am so, so sorry you’re in the middle of all this drama. I’m glad you’re planning to take her to the salon and have let her know you have her back on this. In general, I always think it’s best when parents can present a united front. But when one parent crosses the line to something abusive, I’ve learned that it is important to name and validate that. Or our children start to lose faith in their own perception of reality, and feel like they have no place to turn for support.
Your daughter is going to have to come to terms with her own role in this, too. Trashing rooms, cutting bedsheets, and failing to go to class aren’t acceptable either. But you’re right that this was not an appropriate response on your wife’s part, and is only going to set things back that much farther with your daughter.
It might be time to consider cutting your losses on this semester, if that’s what your daughter wants or is going to do anyway. Can you get a partial refund? And maybe make a deal with your daughter that there will be no guilt over this semester if she agrees to see a counselor and make plans for her future? It sounds like it might be time to drop back and regroup.
Your daughter may have been out of control, but what your wife did was abusive. As parents and adults, we have to be able to maintain our composure and not escalate the situation when our children are out of control. Even if we have issues of our own. I can’t melt down even when my kids are pushing all my Aspie buttons. Because I’m the mom. And I can’t expect them to handle their $#&@ if I cant handle mine.
That said, I know you can’t control your wife any more than you can control your daughter. It’s a terrible place, to be in the middle of this kind of ugly scene, and to be put in the position of trying to be the peacemaker.
I would agree with your daughter than your wife needs a counselor. It would probably be helpful for the two of you to see a family counselor together to agree on some strategies you can both use with your daughter. But if she won’t agree to that, it may be helpful for you to go yourself to get some perspectives on everything.
Cutting your daughter’s hair like that was especially cruel for someone already dealing with what sounds like some crippling social anxiety. And Your wife has now handed your daughter the perfect excuse for blowing this semester. She’ll be too embarrassed to go, then too far behind to catch up. It doesn’t sound like she was on a good track for success this semester anyway, but now she doesn’t have to own it - she can blame it on your wife. It’s going to set things back as far as getting her to take responsibility for her own success and choices.
I am so, so sorry you’re in the middle of all this drama. I’m glad you’re planning to take her to the salon and have let her know you have her back on this. In general, I always think it’s best when parents can present a united front. But when one parent crosses the line to something abusive, I’ve learned that it is important to name and validate that. Or our children start to lose faith in their own perception of reality, and feel like they have no place to turn for support.
Your daughter is going to have to come to terms with her own role in this, too. Trashing rooms, cutting bedsheets, and failing to go to class aren’t acceptable either. But you’re right that this was not an appropriate response on your wife’s part, and is only going to set things back that much farther with your daughter.
It might be time to consider cutting your losses on this semester, if that’s what your daughter wants or is going to do anyway. Can you get a partial refund? And maybe make a deal with your daughter that there will be no guilt over this semester if she agrees to see a counselor and make plans for her future? It sounds like it might be time to drop back and regroup.
BusynMember
Well-Known Member
Im not sure your wife had full control. A traumatic brain injury changes the brain, often impacts impulse control and she may not be able to be a parental figure anymore with the brain damage. Having said that, 19 is also considered an adult. Many are away at college and even in the military. A 19 year old should be able to handle life wirhout a mother, if need be. Clearly your wife is also damaged. I have no idea what helps a Traumatic Brain Injury (TBI). My brother in law had one ....really bad motorcycle accident, brain swelling....and he still needs looking after ten years later. My sister in law said to us the last time we saw her, "Its like being married to two men, the Bob before his brain injury, and the Bob after. He is not the same person." I dont think psychiatric therapy helps Traumatic Brain Injury (TBI).
I feel really badly for you. I am sorry.
I feel really badly for you. I am sorry.
Mumunderfire
New Member
Oh dear I am so sorry drew what a nightmare. You need some you-time after this. I agree with you that your wife was out of order so I think you are doing the right thing calling it out. I sympathise with her though as these kids drive you to the edge of reason like nothing else you have to be super well balanced to cope. Your wife has got to give up the fantasy that she can control your daughters actions it's a hiding to nothing. My son has just had two years out of education. I did all the usual parenting things to no avail. I had to play the long game and he has come round a fair bit but it's been so hard I am so sad about it but in the end only he could make the decision to make changes. He has issues which lots of people don't have to face. Perhaps you could help your wife see her daughter as unwell and struggling rather than defiant. This stops you feeling so affronted and frustrated. I mean your wife needs consideration for her problems doesn't she?
Its interesting she thinks her mum needs a new therapist! Pots and kettles as we say here!
Its interesting she thinks her mum needs a new therapist! Pots and kettles as we say here!
Yes mom goes to a psychiatrist already and is on ADHD medications. Sometimes all this frustration of our daughter just not listening causes her to explode. So today was peaceful. My daughter was on my desktop happy as a clam playing her league of legends game. That’s what makes her happy and talking to friends online. I got another laptop that have not given to her. My plan is to get a hair stylist to look at her hair tomorrow and give her advice. Then if she fixes that issue and can agree on giving college a try again I will give her laptop. I asked my wife if she apologized yet she said no. Had big discussion again about it. Said she would wait for appropr time. Even if my daughter agrees to finish semester my wife is the one dropping her off most days. So it seems the kid compartmetalizes pretty well. Yesterday miserable. Today o de on computer happy as a clam. Part of me thinks it’s a game although the anxiety is very real. The community college here does have counseling for students who are having difficulty adjusting. I’m hoping I can talk her into going to talk. Will see how Monday goes. Again thanks for the support and advice.
BusynMember
Well-Known Member
Give her the laptop if she goes a full semester or are you willing to take ut back when she stops going?
I dont think bribery works. She is too old fot it. Jmo. Most adult children dont get anything for attending school and once ahe has it I think she will stay home.
This is beyond anxiety. It I S anxoety but most people with even secere anxiety go ro ro school and work.
You sure have your hands full.
I dont think bribery works. She is too old fot it. Jmo. Most adult children dont get anything for attending school and once ahe has it I think she will stay home.
This is beyond anxiety. It I S anxoety but most people with even secere anxiety go ro ro school and work.
You sure have your hands full.
Tired out
Well-Known Member
I feel so bad for you. My 21 year old son is a jack a** and he maybe on the "spectrum" I really wonder at times. Or he just may be a a jerk. So many of the thing you describe your daughter doing he did. Blaming us, not doing work just because he said we bugged him about it.. That is ODD (oppositional defiance disorder, I think they call it) anything someone in any type of authority would tell him to do he would defy.
To have the added issues of your wife/ her mom that's sad and very draining for you.
I hope the hair salon can work some magic for her. Does your wife realize your daughter could call the police and file assault charges? A sharp instrument isn't funny, she could have really physically hurt her and she did emotionally injure her.
I am sending prayers and good luck to you..I hope things settle down.
To have the added issues of your wife/ her mom that's sad and very draining for you.
I hope the hair salon can work some magic for her. Does your wife realize your daughter could call the police and file assault charges? A sharp instrument isn't funny, she could have really physically hurt her and she did emotionally injure her.
I am sending prayers and good luck to you..I hope things settle down.
Elsi
Well-Known Member
Drew I’m glad today was a better day. Good luck at the hair salon tomorrow. Perhaps some new rules could be set around the new laptop - attending class, seeing a therapist or at least the school counselor, limiting the time she’s spends holed up in her room with it? I know it’s really hard once they are adults (even if they aren’t acting like it). Good luck.
